I don't know what to do (Full Version)

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tickerrose -> I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 11:41:23 AM)

I am new posting here, though I have come to this site many times through my marriage to try and find the advice and support I needed to stay in it and keep fighting for the man I married. My husband and I were married on Sept. 4, 2004 and only five months in I found out he had an affair. I should have left him then, knowing that he could not have been truly married to me if that was in his heart but I stayed and held on, trying to forgive him, praying, meeting with our pastor and seeking God. He was with me for awhile, repented and seemed to be moving forward in his faith with me, but two years later he did it again and I worked to forgive him again. He has always struggled with honesty and his addiction to pornography and other women. Finally last week while I was at work, he got on a bus home to his family in Colorado, leaving our car at the bus stop and a note on the passenger seat telling me it was over and he was going home. We live in upstate New York, so I went two and a half days with no word from him and he still did not call me when he got there. He wrote me an e-mail telling me he was going to file for separation. I don't know what to do and am so lost. Will I ever be able to have a husband and a marriage again that God smiles on?



tickerrose -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 12:09:41 PM)

I need some advice. I am so torn....the women in my prayer group are praying with me and asking God to change his heart and praying that God sets good Christians in his path that say "What? You left your wife?" but I don't think that is going to happen....I feel so scared and alone and I miss him, even though he hurt me so much and betrayed our marriage and our life together time and again. I still want to be his wife and would still be willing to work through the pain but he is SO GONE. He left everything behind, his clothes, his favorite movies, he didn't even take a picture of me. We didn't have a fight, but I had been so sad after he repeatedly lied to me about money, stealing from his job and much, much more. I don't know what to do. Should I jump on a plane and try and get him to come home or change his mind........please, anyone with any advice, please help me and pray for me, because I feel like I am falling apart.



UBarW -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 12:19:16 PM)

Boy howdy, I dont know what to say to you... I will think and pray on this.

for now, know that someone is out there thinking of you...

all my love to you...



jaimestarcross -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 1:08:28 PM)

Stand still and let God work out this matter.
Leave it at the alter --- God will provide for you.

In the past you acted in good faith and sought to retain your marriage
and trusted that your husband would do the same. Now he's betrayed you
again and this time it's his time to prove to you he's wanting the marriage and
will be faithful and honest to God and to you. Not too mention get help for his problems.

*If your husband has stolen from his place of work - he could be fleeing because
of that too! Keep a clear defined distance between you and him - contact him through a lawyer. Also his addiction to porn isn't to be overlooked - he needs help!
Wanting to take him back is admirable but accepting him back with all his problems isn't the wisest thing to do... unresolved bad history has a way of repeating itself!
(You know this already --- keep your focus and don't allow him back if he's bringing home the same rotten baggage.)

Find a christian woman who can counsel you during this emotional upheaval.

*I'm very sorry things haven't turned out as you would've liked but one thing is for
certain - our Lord hasn't abandoned you!



christsgirl -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 1:32:17 PM)

Tick,

Oh how my heart hurts for you, as I am in a VERY similar situation as you. My h has left me as well....quite similarly, he went back "home"...originally it was just to "visit"...but it's been a month now, and I don't suspect he's coming back. I have been begging and pleading with him to come home; several times he has gotten my hopes up high, telling me he was coming, then the disappointment hit everytime when he never showed, but instead came up with different excuses as to why he couldn't come. As of now, I'm done....NO more begging and pleading. The bible says "if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave" and I am going to do JUST that. I would suggest the same for you. You can call him, text him, or email him to express your feelings...telling him that you still love him deeply, and you're willing to work through the issues. But leave the ball in his court because you don't want to twist his arm to come back....you don't want him back if he doesn't want to be back because you will wind up compromising everything that you need/want in a man/marriage just to "hold on to him" (I'm talking to myself too). I'll be praying for you.



tickerrose -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 3:57:31 PM)

Thank you all for your responses. I just feel so frozen in time. I am begging God to take away this hurt but I am so crippled by it I am finding every minute painful. I guess there is no other way to feel even though some people are telling me I should feel free and view this as a new opportunity, I can't see past the pain and all the plans I had and visions I held for our future. I want to feel free and I want to feel like I can start the next chapter of my life, but I feel so abandoned and it is so hard for me to live our life without him. I tried so hard and though I ended up failing as a wife I was the best I knew how to be.
Christsgirl - I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. The pain is so raw it is palpable and I pray for the both of us that our Father will give us the strength we need to start and finish each day. God is great and through Him I know I will get past this I just don't know what the next step is. I have to work on spending time with Him and seeking His guidance. I don't want the next move I make to be a wrong one and the only way I know how to be sure it is God leading me and not my own will is to spend as much time in His presence as possible.

Please continue praying for me and also for my husband. My name is Erika and his name is Jon.



YZGUY -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/1/2008 4:38:02 PM)

Tickerrose - I'm sorry for your loss. Now is the time for grieving. That is your step. Continue to be in God's presence (& make sure he does not have access to your finances for the time being). This is going to take some time to heal from. So discard any thoughts about moving on and finding another man who won't cheat or abandon you, and just focus on the here & now (BTW - God is in the yesterday, the here & now, & the future).
If you're upset with other people saying stupid stuff - let them know before hand that you just need them to listen, not give advice. Too many people are uncomfortable with grief that they say stupid things.



timf -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/2/2008 9:01:25 AM)

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

1 Corinthians 7:13-15
And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.



carl54 -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/2/2008 10:30:54 PM)

When we donīt know what to do and things appear to be spinning out of control it is a good time to be still, focus on God and let him fight our fights for us. Thatīs hard for us to do because it makes us feel like we are leaving things up to chance. That is not the case at all. God specializes in fixing things that are beyond our control. Thatīs when he gets a chance to really be God. If we could fix everything then there would not be a need for God, would there. Just be still, worship and serve Him, put all the stuff out of your head and weep when you have to. Joy will return after a while.

Iīm praying with you.



Narcil -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/2/2008 11:48:47 PM)

tickerrose,

I am deeply sorry...I can't begin to empathize with what you must be feeling right now.

A forum like this is not the best place to get advice for these kinds of problems. Do you have a church family you can seek council with? Or someone older and wiser whom you trust, like a pastor or elder in your church to take this too? You really need to be talking to people who are actually in your life and can do more than offer some kind words on a computer screen.



Ashyah -> RE: I don't know what to do (5/3/2008 12:12:03 PM)

ticckerrose,

When I was in so much pain and now at times..I would go to everyone that I could just to get justification in what I felt.

I spent a lot of time with my lights turned off and a candle lit talking to God. During that time he told me to just be quiet. Psalm 39 was my guide.He always put in my heart about Jesus inviting Peter to walk on the water. He started to until he saw the storm around him. The Lord has told me to not look around but , to keep my eyes straight ahead. I have dealt with a lot but, now I am bathing in the promises that the Lord has brought through.

Pray and ask for God's guidance. Don't carry this man. He has run away because he doesn't want to live a decent life. He is dealing with his own demons. You take care of yourself and pray for him. I say don't contact him.



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