saddened by my daughters actions (Full Version)

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smitties -> saddened by my daughters actions (5/2/2008 1:48:55 AM)

hi everyone

Im new so bare with me here. i have a daughter who 20yrs old and is parenting her little girl on her own. it breaks my heart seeing the things she doing eg. drinking alcohol, lying and continuely decieving myself and my husband and off loading her daughter on anyone so she can go out. I know my daughter knows better but just cant say no to anyone. She's a beautiful girl and is very well liked by anyone who meets and knows her. she came back to live with us after she got pregnant and we thought she was starting to see sence and grow up alittle but now that she's moved out she's even worse and even more irrisponsable, and very selfish.

i find it very hard comuicating with her when i bring up what shes doing and how it hurts seeing this done to her baby. she then starts to get angry and starts yelling at me then starts crying. what hurts even more is my sister who lives near her lies to me about looking after my grandaughter, she offers alcohol to my daughter also and encourages my daughter to go out and shell look after baby. My husband had said to my sister nicely she should have told us whats been going on and that she doesnt need to be dishonest to us but she see's things differently. I feel like she's coming between me and my daughter and is coming across as the good aunty and would rather lie to me (her own sister )than tell me what my daughters been upto. I has always felt my sister has always wanted what i had it just hurts because its my daughter and grandaughter now.
if anyone on here has been through this situation i would love to hear how you coped with things and invite those to pray for us.....

thanks



Ephesians4_32 -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/2/2008 3:22:02 AM)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can think of is for someone to call CPS if the granddaughter is abused or isn't being taken care of. As for our children who decide to live differently than they've been taught, we can only pray for them. It isn't good to live near family members who don't respect our values, but even if your sister weren't doing that, your daughter would probably find other ways to live that kind of life-style.

I'll pray.



pbaribeault -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/2/2008 9:23:41 AM)

It's not easy to have a wayward daughter, especially when she has a cute helpless 'hostage' to her lifestyle. I don't have a lot to offer you on surviving that scenario.

The complication I might have reasonable advice for is about your sister / her aunt. The reason you are upset by her behaviour is because you 'expect more' from a member of your own family. Think about how you might feel differently if your daughter just had a friend that was doing those things you describe... not a good thing, but not really the same sense of betrayal.

I think you are 'asking' too much of your sister, if you want her to somehow look after your daughter, be a good influence, and/or help you keep tabs on her. That's not an appropriate extension of your parenting role at this stage. At this stage all you should know about your daughter's life is what she chooses to disclose. Plus, it's clearly not at all realistic anyways. And your daughter probably resents your attempts to continue your guardianship role this way, so perhaps backing off will help restore something within your relationship with her.

My advice is to stop asking your sister about your daughter - that's the best way to teach her that she doesn't have to be dishonest with you. Instead relate directly with your daughter as best you can without using a proxy. If your daughter talks about her aunt, try to master your own reaction. Most wayward children have bad-influence friends -- it's better for everyone if you can manage not to take personally that your daughter's bad-influence friend happens to be related to you. It's not your fault, what your sister does; your sister is an individual that does as she likes, just like the rest of your daughter's friends.



reach -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/2/2008 1:37:27 PM)

I went through this with my sister. And she had someone in the house who was abusing my nehphew, so we took him to the Dr with every scratch. I did not want him dead. I ended up with custody of him when he was 3. She did not get clean and sober until he was 9. She was always allowed to see him and visit, but she was not him parent. She has been clean and sober for 7 years now, but it is only in the past 4 years that I have allowed her to step up and be a parent. And I would say that in the past 2 years he as actually called her mom. I am still financially & physically resposible for him, but he lives with her and my parents since I got married. I thought it was best for him.

But I second what everyone says. You can love the person and not the actions. The sad part is, if the child is being "cared" for (and I use cared loosely) then there is not much you can do. It does not matter that she leaves him to go out partying.

It is really, really hard to watch. :( But in reality, she is an adult and you can't do anything. Love her.

I would also suggest offering to babysit. Then at least you know the baby is in a safe place when she is running around.

Praying for you!



buckifn -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/2/2008 2:25:06 PM)

I would say document proof every time the mother goes out to drink and leaves the child if you feel the child is not being properly cared for.

Take your proof to child protective services and they investigate the complaint. You can file for legal custody of the granddaughter if necessary.



relady -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/4/2008 12:56:21 AM)

Your daughter is 20. How old is her child? How often does she go out? Is your sister a good sitter for the baby? I hate to seem harsh but unless the child is being abused your daughter has every right to go out occasionally and do whatever she wants. So unless she is going out every night, or even most nights, or unless she is leaving the baby alone or with someone who is abusing him/her, I think the best thing you can do is pray. She is young and she will grow up hopefully.

I agree with the poster who said that at this point in her life all you should know/need to know about her situation is what she chooses to share with you. If she chooses to confide in her aunt instead of you, that speaks vollumes to me about your relationship with her from her perspective.

I also agree with the person who suggested that you offer to babysit occasionally. You would get to see your grandbaby and what could be better than that? [:)]



smitties -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/4/2008 2:24:26 AM)

I understand what your saying relady, she's my first child so I'm new to all this and i guess why I started this post was to see what other parents have done in my situation and learn from it. No I dont think my sister would intentionally hurt my grandaughter, but she knows my values and who I stand for, I know if I was in her shoes i would respect hers. I am and have always tried to be the best mother I can and only want the best for my daughter.

If my daughter is confiding in her aunt about everything, what do you suggest i do? Maybe my daughter finds it easier to talk to her to aunt because she drinks and parties etc etc.... where as I dont. I'm not sure exactly what my sisters motives are it just hurts that all.

I find it very hard to talk to my daughter and pretend I'm happy with her when i know what she's been upto, I dont like being lied to and my sister intentionally going along with these lies, again how do I get past this? Before this i would do ANYTHING for my sister I loved her to bits, maybe this wasnt enough for her I dont know. She doesnt contact or speak to me anymore since my husband spoke to her. [:(]



pbaribeault -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/4/2008 8:34:14 AM)

quote:

I find it very hard to talk to my daughter and pretend I'm happy with her when i know what she's been upto, I dont like being lied to and my sister intentionally going along with these lies, again how do I get past this?


Chances are that your daughter finds it hard to talk to you too, when she knows that you know "what she's been upto" and she knows how much you disapprove. Disapproval messages are really hard to take in the early-motherhood stage of life, particularly from your own mom.

The answer to "getting past this" is to NOT know "what she's been up to" -- to not try to know, and not want to know. Just talk with your dd straight, about the weather, about the baby, about non-judgmental elements of your own life, about whatever wholesome parts of her life she feels comfortable sharing with you. Once she becomes comfortable with that, she might start sharing some of her mixed feelings about her lifestyle choices... but maybe not. You need to use your own personal self discipline to begin to relate to your dd on her own terms.

quote:

Before this i would do ANYTHING for my sister I loved her to bits, maybe this wasnt enough for her I dont know. She doesnt contact or speak to me anymore since my husband spoke to her.


If you would do "anything" for your sister, try this...

Buy her a nice card and write her a letter. Tell her you are sorry for putting her in a tough position. That you are having a difficult time coping, but that you've realize that it was wrong to ask her to spy for you and/or to be a tattle-tale. You let your worry get out of hand, and you hope she can understand that you didn't think about how that would be for her. You are especially sorry you involved your husband between you. You are glad that she loves your dd. You acknowledge that they should have their own relationship, and you will no longer act as if the aunt should 'play on your team' when it comes to your dd. You love her, and you hope that your mistakes in this difficult situation won't be a problem forever. You will absolutely never ask her to report on your dd again.



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/5/2008 2:12:34 PM)

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to watch your daughter live a life that is against everything you tried to teach her. Worst still is watching her be a bad mother. I remember my party days but I also remember when I got pregnant I knew that the party days were over it was time to grow up and be a mom. I had friends who did not give up their party lifestyles after they had kids. It is sad for the kids because they know that mom would rather go out and party then to spend time with them.
The only thing I can suggest is to get it out in the open I dont like your lifestyle and you dont like mine. We know that about each other but I love you and I love my grandbaby. Find out what area's you are similar in and build a mother daughter relationship that way. I wish more then anything I could have done this with my mother. Even though I am now older and have been a christian for over 10 years I still have this wall between my mother and myself. I wish she could have seen past what she did not like about my life when Jack was little and just been a supportive mom that I could have built a strong bond with.
I hope that helps ~ Leslie



ChoirDJ -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/5/2008 7:23:17 PM)

Sounds like your daughter may be using you as a meal ticket and the aunt is contributing to her "biting the hand that's feeding her" (lol). She's too "grown up" to follow rules, yet "too childish" to be out on her own which is a recipe for disaster. Perhaps she should be given the opportunity to go live with this "supportive" aunt since they seem to have "so much more in common." The aunt may have a different take on the situation once the daughter is actually living with her verses visiting her.

My father used to tell us "I don't care how old you are. As long as you are under my roof, you will follow my rules" and that's a perfectly fair position to take. Cut the apron strings dear and give her the choice of living by your rules (which includes curfews and instructions on responsible parenting) or find some place else to live. She's entitled to make whatever choices she makes as long as she is willing to live with the consequences of those choices.



pbaribeault -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/5/2008 7:51:56 PM)

quote:

she came back to live with us after she got pregnant and we thought she was starting to see sence and grow up alittle but now that she's moved out she's even worse and even more irrisponsable, and very selfish.



deljefferson -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/5/2008 11:29:21 PM)

I was that person. I did the alcohol and drug thing with my oldest girl. She was about 7years old when I started. Though I never abused my daughter, I lived a horrible life in front of her. I thank God for my family who I eventually gave my daughter to until I got my life together. She would stay with me on occasion. She knew what I was doing and we discussed it. The remarkable thing is she would tell me how she was praying for me. Then I began to pray with her. Then we started going to church together and it's been 14 years since I have drank or did drugs. I know it was because of my daughter. She is 23, married with a son of her own. They are faithful christians and I am so proud of her.

So to make a long story short, please continue to pray for her. It really works and it matters to know that someone is praying for you when you don't pray for yourself.



relady -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/6/2008 12:34:26 AM)

Smitties, some of the other posters have given some very good advice. I don't think I can really add any more to that end of the conversation. You need to just accept that your daughter is an adult and doesn't share the same values as you....at least not right now. Telling her that her values are "incorrect" is only going to drive her further away from you. You have got to be able to just be with her and enjoy the grandbaby when you can. Most kids who don't talk to their parents about lifestyle choices do not do so because they assume, often rightly so, that the parents are going to judge and/or condemn them. I'd say just try to accept her where she is and be there for her to the degree you can be.

You didn't answer my question about how often she goes out. Do you know how many nights a week she goes out? I mean, if it's one or two nights a week there really isn't anything wrong with that. She does need time away from the baby. If it's more than that, I'd probably have a problem with it, too, frankly.



ChoirDJ -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/6/2008 1:45:22 AM)

LOL pbaribeault...those missed details do sort of negate everything I said doesn't it?!



Hislittleone -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/6/2008 2:06:03 AM)

quote:

pbaribeault: Disapproval messages are really hard to take in the early-motherhood stage of life, particularly from your own mom.


Amen to that!!! Your disapproval is pushing your daughter away. I had a child when I was barely twenty years old. My husband divorced me almost right after ds was born. So all of a sudden I was a young single mom living at home with my parents again. I love my mom and she has done so much to help me but right now we are barely speaking to one another because she refuses to relate to me as an adult. She hardly ever talks to me without saying something disapproving about the way I do things with my children. It's been this way ever since my first son was born almost 12 years ago. I'm so tired of being told I'm doing things the wrong way that I'm going to limit my contact with her until she agrees to not be so negative and disapproving.

quote:

2monkeysmom: Find out what area's you are similar in and build a mother daughter relationship that way. I wish more then anything I could have done this with my mother. Even though I am now older and have been a christian for over 10 years I still have this wall between my mother and myself. I wish she could have seen past what she did not like about my life when Jack was little and just been a supportive mom that I could have built a strong bond with.


I could have written this myself. BTDT. It's really a tough situation.

You haven't mentioned your daughter doing anything that is really that bad (as far as being a mother is concerned). It sounds like she still has some growing up to do and that will come in time. There is no such thing as a perfect mother so unless she is abusing and neglecting your grandchild to the point that it needs to be reported to authorities I think you really need to back off. She's an adult and is parenting her child the way she sees fit. Let her figure things out on her own.

If you aren't careful you could end up losing a sister, daughter and grandaughter.



smitties -> RE: saddened by my daughters actions (5/6/2008 8:23:35 PM)

Thanks everyone for the posts. I am certainly thinking alot on what was said and will apply it yes it makes alot of sense. I will back off and leave my daughter to it and enjoy them both when i see them, not that i didnt anyway, but as the day got on my disapproval would start creeping in. It wont be easy to ignore what happening but I love them so I'm prepared to change.
In my sisters case i will forgive and move on, and i wont buy into her little games. Again it really hurts when someone close to you (family) decieves you though. I'm sure when her kids grow up she will find out then, what I'm feeling now.

ps. Relady she goes out every weekend.

pps. deljefferson I will keep praying, thank you for sharing your experience with me.

god bless



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