Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (Full Version)

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Starduzt -> Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 5:05:32 PM)

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. When I first met him he was charming and loved the Lord. Soon after we were married he became very angry, controlling and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. ( At the time I thought it was my fault he was angry and he would take out his anger on me, putting me down, calling me names, threatening me, controlling my money, where I went and friends and family I had. If I stood up to him he would get physically abusive.
I was embarresed and never looked for help afriad that people would judge us. He is in the military and 2 years into our marriage he was called to be stationed overseas. Part of me was sad we would be away from each other for 18 months but another part of me was relieved that I would have a break from the abuse.
He left for overseas but the emotional and verbal abuse never stopped. He would still continue to control where I went, money I spent, friends I had. If I didn't he would hang the phone up on me, call me names, put me down and threaten to leave me.
22 months later he came back I was devoted, loyal and faithful to him through the deployment and marriage. He was fine the first couple of weeks then he started to again be abusive worst then he ever had been. I spirled into a depression and I asked him to leave, he would say he was sorry and change but he never did. I felt I was sinking into a dark tunnel, with all I had left in me I left with our 4 small children.
I left in January 2008 since then we have been seperated, we have been going to counseling 3 times a week and felt some postive changes but we still have a long way to go. I have learned alot about myself and God through this time that I don't have to submit to my husband;s abuse, which I thought as a Godly women I was supposed to submit no matter what.
He wants to move back though I feel we are not ready and he still displays some control and anger yet. He does support us finacially though he complains and puts me down If I ask him to buy food or shampoo. Last week was hard because I seen the same behavior. I want to get finacial assistance from our state but they require that I file for child support. He threatens that If I file he will not give me any money, it will be over between us and he will sell the house that the children and I live in, becuase he feels that filing for child support means that we will not be unified.
I want to follow God and respect my husbnad be a godly wife and submit but I don't want to be nieve and get abused. Should I file or not?
please pray for us!



delete123 -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 5:18:00 PM)

Personally I would file. He need to get a handle on his controlling behavior which is also a part of the abuse cycle.

Until he displays a very promising that he really, really can mange himself in a Godly man and put his anger elsewhere I would not allow him to return.

This is a futile and hostile situation for your children to be exposed to, they learn from our behavior and his is certainly unacceptable.

Years and years ago, I dated a man like this, he was abusive because his father was. His father brutally killed his mother and back then they blamed a special needs child who lived down the street.

I said a prayer for you dear sister and hugs.
You can do all things in Christ who strentghens you,
CRH



hnt -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 5:20:36 PM)

quote:

He wants to move back though I feel we are not ready and he still displays some control and anger yet. He does support us finacially though he complains and puts me down If I ask him to buy food or shampoo. Last week was hard because I seen the same behavior. I want to get finacial assistance from our state but they require that I file for child support. He threatens that If I file he will not give me any money, it will be over between us and he will sell the house that the children and I live in, becuase he feels that filing for child support means that we will not be unified.
I want to follow God and respect my husbnad be a godly wife and submit but I don't want to be nieve and get abused. Should I file or not?
please pray for us!


Child support has nothing to do with being unified. If you need state assistant due to funds it would take some burden off his plate.

If he was repentant, and loving you like Christ loved the church then griping about shampoo and food wouldn't be an issue.

Controlling people tend to threaten when you are doing anything they are unpleased about. It doesn't have to be rational to them.

He can't stop paying you, and if he tries to sell the house out from under his family........the judge won't look to nicely upon him. I doubt the military would love his actions either. In most states it doesn't matter if all of it is in his name either.

You need to do what God is leading you to do, but you need also to see clearly that his actions aren't one of a man that is changed. It sounds like you need for him to go to counseling by himself.......which I'm sure he won't agree with but that doesn't mean he doesn't need it.

I think you need to stop doubting yourself, because I feel you can see things very clear. God will provide for you, and I would pray for his soul. He is a broken man, and in much need of Jesus!

My prayers are with all of you!



evryknee -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 5:26:43 PM)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. His threats to sell the house are a means to control you. True- you are not unified (but this is a half-truth - which abusers usually give - unless it is a complete lie) - but he is the one that has prevented the oneness of unification and you are showing that you are trying to be unified through counseling. Also, if you file, he has no choice to give you money or he will be in contempt of court - leading to possible jail time. Also, many states will automatically take it out of his paycheck.

Have you spoken to your counselor about this? If you cannot come to an arrangement with the counselor in regards to how much he should pay during the separation, then I think you should file. This should be talked about in (maybe) a separate session with the counselor. Hopefully, your counselor is experienced working with abusers and will be firm. It is not right if you have to continue to come back to him for more money every time, but an arrangement of monthly support may help that you do not have to continue going back (that is control).

Again, if he is unwilling to do this peacably with the counselor (which may not be likely and looks like the way it may be headed), then I suggest you file. But if you do, and his behavior become worse or at any time you feel threatened, you may need to get a Protection from Abuse Order (which only works if they respect the law).



NotDoneYet -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 5:41:04 PM)

If your husband is still in the military you can go to his CO. They WILL require him to support his family, especially if he is still being paid for dependents. They will cut the allotment and he can't do a thing to stop it.
His threats are just that, threats. Been there, done that, burned the T-shirt.
If he sells the house, he will have to give you a percentage of the equity in the home, or he will not be able to sell the house until your youngest child is 18.
Contact an attorney or go to the base/post legal office. They can advise you.



readytogoon -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 6:08:46 PM)

i too went thru all that you are going thru. for 18 years i put up with the threats and the abuse. God does not want us in a situation that is harmful to us or your child. file for the support, one has nothing to do with the other. i agree go to his Co , will he seek counseling, find a safe place for you and your child. most of all pray , pray, and seek good Godly women who can direct you and give you good advice.



Sadey -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 7:03:54 PM)

I would suggest that you get in contact with the nearest Battered Women's shelter and ask for an advocate for yourself. This person would be able to help you through this process. They have heard it all before and also know a lot about the legal aspects and what your husband can and can't do. You need all the support you can get. I hope your husband see the light but in the meantime you need to protect yourself and your children.



Focusing -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/4/2008 7:33:48 PM)

You should file for the financial, medical, and food stamp assistance you can receive from the state. I know in my state you must have filed for child support. He can threaten you all he wants about selling your family home, but I can tell you in my current state and the state where I was living at the time we were separated, my ex could not legally sell our home without my consent. The only exception was if it was ordered by the judge during the divorce settlement ... but that's getting ahead of the game. Once a separation takes place, neither of you may sign the others' name on any financial or legal paper (meaning specifically, you cannot sign his name on the back of a check, neither of you can apply for credit cards by signing the other's name, etc.)

The bottom line is, he is trying to manipulate you through threats and wanting to continue to control you. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. If he isn't willing to be a responsible and caring husband and father, do not allow him back in. True change takes time, and he must prove he has changed ... not just do or say whatever it takes to "make you believe him". (been there, done that)

You must keep your children's best interests in mind at all times ... physically and emotionally, and spiritually. The court will look at these things very closely if you two end up filing for divorce and/or custody.



relady -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/5/2008 2:25:57 AM)

quote:

If he sells the house, he will have to give you a percentage of the equity in the home, or he will not be able to sell the house until your youngest child is 18. Contact an attorney or go to the base/post legal office. They can advise you.
In most states now, there is a marital interest in any real property....I doubt he could sell the house out from under her without her signing a waiver of rights regardless of the age of any children. Very few states allow that anymore. And there are a few states around where support for you is a matter of law as well - not many, but a few. You need to now your rights.

Starduzt, since your h is in the military, if you file and get child support....he won't have any say, the military will make sure that you get paid. They will take it right out of his check.

GO GET A LAWYER NOW. Do NOT under any circumstances use a military/base lawyer. They are there for the members. DO NOT try to use the same lawyer. Get your own counsel. Please.



momma07 -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/5/2008 2:56:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Starduzt
I want to get finacial assistance from our state but they require that I file for child support. He threatens that If I file he will not give me any money, it will be over between us and he will sell the house that the children and I live in, becuase he feels that filing for child support means that we will not be unified.
I want to follow God and respect my husbnad be a godly wife and submit but I don't want to be nieve and get abused. Should I file or not?
please pray for us!


You need to do what is best for your children and you. If you file for public assistance, a child support case will automatically be opened up against your spouse. When a child support order is taken the money will be paid back to the state to cover the money that is being given to you in the form of cash assistance. In essence the tax payers are paying to support your children and the system has to have a way to get reimbursed otherwise it will run dry. If you need it, apply!! That is what it is there for. For mothers in your situation. Once your public assistance ends the money then becomes payable to you. You only assign your rights to the child support during the public assistance period. If your child support order exceeds the cash grant, close the public assistance. All you will need is the child support. If your spouse is in the military, trust me he will have to pay!

My heart goes out to you and your children. Noone should have to be abused. If you still see signs of that type of behavior and are not comfortable reconciling yet. Listen to your gut. 9 times out of 10 your first instinct is right.



pstrdebi -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/6/2008 1:13:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Starduzt

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. When I first met him he was charming and loved the Lord. Soon after we were married he became very angry, controlling and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.


Hi Starduzt...
First... was he saved? Do you know for sure? You say he loved the Lord, but soon after, everything started.
"...for a tree is known by it's fruit..." Matthew 12:33

If he did not bear fruit... if you never saw evidence of his walk with Christ, than it was never there.

quote:


I left in January 2008 since then we have been separated, we have been going to counseling 3 times a week and felt some positive changes but we still have a long way to go. I have learned a lot about myself and God through this time that I don't have to submit to my husband;s abuse, which I thought as a Godly women I was supposed to submit no matter what.


This is excellent... especially that you are learning from it.

quote:


He wants to move back though I feel we are not ready and he still displays some control and anger yet. He does support us financially though he complains and puts me down If I ask him to buy food or shampoo. Last week was hard because I seen the same behavior. I want to get finacial assistance from our state but they require that I file for child support. He threatens that If I file he will not give me any money, it will be over between us and he will sell the house that the children and I live in, because he feels that filing for child support means that we will not be unified.
I want to follow God and respect my husband be a godly wife and submit but I don't want to be nieve and get abused. Should I file or not?
please pray for us!


If he is still displaying control and anger, then he is not ready.

Although my opinion is not popular among many, I'm going to give it anyway: God does not want you to sit at home and be a punching bag for anyone. It is fine and honorable that you want to honor your husband, however, you need to honor God first.

If you are a Christian, God wants you to bear fruit... and you cannot walk in the fullness of God's glory without bearing fruit. If your life is consumed with being abused, a controlling husband, wondering what kind of mood he's in, walking on eggshells every minute of the day... then you are not able to focus on God and bearing fruit for him. And not only you, but your children also. Your children are also learning all of the habits your husband has as well. They have been learning that this is natural behavior because it is what they live.

I would seriously consider filing for whatever you need to file for. If you live in a community property state, then he cannot sell the house without you (they just threats as the others have said). He is telling you these things because he knows that if things go any further... that YOU can file for a separation or divorce, win custody of the children, be awarded 1/2 of all property (if not all), child support and spousal support. This is common knowledge since he is abusive. That is why he is threatening you.

I would encourage you to get a little bible study called "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkerson. Do this study and be in deep prayer over everything. God will lead you as you surrender to Him.

Dear one... I have walked in your shoes. I know how you feel trapped. I know how you hurt and I know the pain of shame and insecurity... and much more.
Please feel free to email me any time.

Much love, prayers and concern... [:(]
Pastor Debi



Focusing -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/6/2008 8:02:26 AM)

quote:

If you are a Christian, God wants you to bear fruit... and you cannot walk in the fullness of God's glory without bearing fruit. If your life is consumed with being abused, a controlling husband, wondering what kind of mood he's in, walking on eggshells every minute of the day... then you are not able to focus on God and bearing fruit for him.

Very well put ... yes, in an abusive situation that is part of the problem, you are so focused on survival - for yourself and for your children - that focus is taken away from God. My relationship with God was a giant struggle in my marriage, as he wanted to be the center of my universe. He viewed God as the competition, maybe even the enemy. And part of the control was to keep my mind off Him.

I am continuing to pray for you and your children.



the_mom -> RE: Need advice~ I have an Abusive Husband (5/6/2008 12:08:28 PM)

If you file for divorce or legal separation, you can move the court for temporary orders that stay in effect until things are final. You can get restraining orders preventing him from disposing of assets, especially your home. Furthermore, courts do not like to uproot children, and the chances are good that the court will order that possession of the home be given to you so that the children can remain in their home. Of course, the court will order child support. Finally, often in the final decree, the court will order that you can stay in the home until the children are 18. At that point, the home can be sold, and you divide the money. Or, you can refinance, if possible, and cash him out. I know that financially that might not be possible, but it is a common solution to maintain stability for the children.

Shelters and groups supporting abused women and children sometimes offer free or low cost legal advice.

You should free yourself and your children from this man. He is teaching your children how to treat you and how to treat others. You don't want that to happen.

the mom



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