RE: Emotional abuse (Full Version)

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zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/19/2008 11:26:42 PM)

gmendifast, is your church under a denomination that you could speak to the district about his behavior? That's wrong! The man himself is very insecure that is acting that way. Where there is love, there is liberty and freedom. I believe 80% of abusers don't even realize they are doing it. He may not realize it. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's wrong.

meshuga, I'm sorry that pastor stopped your ministry. I'm glad you were submissive to authority and I pray that you are blessed with a loving, supportive pastor now.

I also noticed on the marriage forum that someone mentioned when a husband gets depressed they get angry and controlling. This would come across as emotional abuse to me. I'm really sensitive and pretty happy go lucky.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/19/2008 11:38:15 PM)

You're sweet, Funny-girl. I'm not sure how truly submissive I was; I just stopeed going, but I begrudged it. Thank G-d, I do have great leaders now. [sm=icon_smile.gif]



rcjames -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/20/2008 2:33:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: treasure_above
It seems like a cycle that happens right before my (lack of better term) period. My husband will treat me fine all month and then he shuts down and or is moody. There is a past history of emotional abuse and we sought counseling. Our counselor told me that there would be occasional set backs because no one is perfect.

The more I dig for answers, the more I'm curious if it stems from a fear of rejection and misunderstanding of one another. It seems like emotional abuse can be so grey sometimes.


I can't be for sure, but I would venture a guess that you can blame your problems on Eve, instead of your husband.

And I say that with 46 years of marriage and raising two daughters as a basis for my thoughts on the subject.

Thanks
RC



MrsDC -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/23/2008 1:15:25 AM)

Crownlaurel -- well said! Thank you for saying what I wanted to say!

Funny_girl -- (Hi! Long time no hear!!!) Yes, I've witnessed abusive husbands in church leadership...and abusive fathers, too. It's a sin, just like lying or stealing or gossiping -- but with weightier consequences because this sin is against another person who is generally unable to protect themselves. As with any other sin, it needs to be dealt with Biblically, firmly and with love. Not an easy thing, but necessary. Sometimes it's easier, also, if the confrontation is coming from someone who is not too close to the situation. Dunno, just a thought.

Hope you're doing well!!!

-- Rebecca



RevMick -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/31/2008 11:03:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

I guess no one using the board has ever witnessed emotional abuse in a pastor's home. That's great! Hopefully it's very rare.


Being that we are all human beings I am not entirely sure that abuse of any kind in a pastor's home than in any other home. I grew up with abuse. I had an alcoholic father who was very abusive, emotionally and mentally. Prayer and support for the abused is the best we can do in most cases.



RevMick -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/31/2008 11:29:34 AM)

This type of behavior seems to happen with those in position of authority. I have seen it in families associated of law enforcement and other occupations dealing with authority. I think we could take an example from our Savior, the religious leaders of the first century where abusing their authority over the Jewish people and straying away from God. Jesus confronted them and pointed out their wrongs. If we do this today we will face hate and a lot of bad feelings just as our Savior did when He walk the Earth. This I think is why we are so hesitant to confront it today. Prayer and the sought after guidance of the Holy Spirit. My God be with you in your time of need.



CherishedbyGod -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/31/2008 1:01:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RevMick

I grew up with abuse. I had an alcoholic father who was very abusive, emotionally and mentally. Prayer and support for the abused is the best we can do in most cases.


[:(] How did you deal with it, if it is not too personal to ask?



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/31/2008 10:41:58 PM)

Yes, RevMick! And being from such a background, although certainly not to the degree you went through, it always makes me praise G-d for those who are found by Him in spite of such families, such abuse. The main thing that saved me was that it was not my father who abused me as a child, so I still had his example (back then) to know what a real father should be like. How did you find G-d, accept Him as your Father, see Him as the loving Provider, see His gentle side?

Also, your post made me realize something I had not thought of before: you wrote,
quote:

This type of behavior seems to happen with those in position of authority.

Although you intended that in a greater way -- regarding authority, power outside of the home -- I had not considered before that the abuse happened because Father handed over to her much of the authority G-d intended him to have in our home.



zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/31/2008 11:07:54 PM)

I think that it's important for us as Christian leaders to recognize what is abuse and what isn't. I think everyone could have a moment of being abusive but they correct themselves when confronted either by the conviction of the Holy Spirit or by someone who calls them on the table for it. I think that it can be abusive if someone is playing mental games with someones mind. If the abuser is a master at psychology and planting seeds to manipulate how people think. This same person could be a great leader if they keep their motives and thought life pure. The Bible tell us to be angry and sin not. It's hard to know where that line is sometimes, knowing that Jesus stormed into the temple and knocked over the money tables. He didn't ask them to move but He did something very physical. I just hope those who could have natural tendencies to be emotionally abusive would please keep themselves in check with the Lord and not become hard hearted. On the other hand, has our society convinced us that we've been emotionally abused when we haven't?

Personally, if I see a family with a dominate husband and a dejected looking wife and children, that would be an obvious sign, but I don't think it's always so evident. I remember finding out our best friends were having problems in their marriage. We lived next door in some skimpy trailers and didn't hear a thing. My friend told me later that there had been terrible fighting between the newly wed couple. The husband started using drugs and 2 children later they divorced.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Emotional abuse (5/31/2008 11:35:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl
I think that it's important for us as Christian leaders to recognize what is abuse and what isn't.

It can be interesting to see how many people want to jump on the "abuse wagon" when, as you mentioned, a parent of spouse simply had a bad moment -- or even a couple bad moments.

I must admit, though, that one time, I thought someone was playing this game, and she turned out to be absolutely honest. I once discounted the idea of recovered memories of abuse, but I learned very quickly a double lesson from this woman: that she wasn't "jumping on the abuse wagon," and that there really is such a thing as recovered memory of abuse. I am grateful for both lessons.



RevMick -> RE: Emotional abuse (6/1/2008 12:41:43 AM)

I don't mind you asking Cherished. In a lot of ways I am still dealing with some issues and it has been over 26 years since I last shared an address with my father. I don't remember some things that happened but my mom said that I used to get in between the two of them when he started. My father was great at putting everyone down, still is actually. I remember my mother used to take my sister to do things away from the house and when I got older I did the same until my father and his second wife kicked me out of the house when I was seventeen. My father and I have had a strained relationship to this day and we rarely talk today.



hnt -> RE: Emotional abuse (6/2/2008 1:36:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: funny_girl

I think that it's important for us as Christian leaders to recognize what is abuse and what isn't. I think everyone could have a moment of being abusive but they correct themselves when confronted either by the conviction of the Holy Spirit or by someone who calls them on the table for it. I think that it can be abusive if someone is playing mental games with someones mind. If the abuser is a master at psychology and planting seeds to manipulate how people think. This same person could be a great leader if they keep their motives and thought life pure. The Bible tell us to be angry and sin not. It's hard to know where that line is sometimes, knowing that Jesus stormed into the temple and knocked over the money tables. He didn't ask them to move but He did something very physical. I just hope those who could have natural tendencies to be emotionally abusive would please keep themselves in check with the Lord and not become hard hearted. On the other hand, has our society convinced us that we've been emotionally abused when we haven't?

Personally, if I see a family with a dominate husband and a dejected looking wife and children, that would be an obvious sign, but I don't think it's always so evident. I remember finding out our best friends were having problems in their marriage. We lived next door in some skimpy trailers and didn't hear a thing. My friend told me later that there had been terrible fighting between the newly wed couple. The husband started using drugs and 2 children later they divorced.


I think the key your answer is pattern. Abuse is a pattern. Its NOT being a jerk one day - We can all can be that on occasion! [:D] You can see the list of behaviors, but one thing people miss is the part about it being a PATTERN of behavior! Its a mindset - a lifestyle! That doesn't mean they can't be a really awesome person on certain days!

quote:

On the other hand, has our society convinced us that we've been emotionally abused when we haven't?


I'm sure there have been. There has also been alot of cases in which they clearly were being emotionally abused, and were told they were not.

The best way to make sure you know what you are dealing with is like anything ELSE in this world........education! I have seen some pretty far fetched ideas on this board from people totally convinced they knew what they were talking about. Suggestions that if the party was being abused would have made the issue worse. HECK we have all done that, but at times logical choices aren't the best avenue. There are approaches to reveil things as well.

The thing that rots the worse is you will have two people that will continue to live in hurt, sin, etc because no one wanted to give it the best look, and do what was needed. You have one person that was broken and weary and stayed within the relationship 'as is' because people told them that was proper(among other things of course). THEN you have the other party that feels justified because no one stopped them. One may be saved, but the other is lost. I think that is the sadest part of the denial factor.



zippty_day -> RE: Emotional abuse (6/3/2008 10:05:15 PM)

quote:

I think the key your answer is pattern. Abuse is a pattern. Its NOT being a jerk one day - We can all can be that on occasion! You can see the list of behaviors, but one thing people miss is the part about it being a PATTERN of behavior! Its a mindset - a lifestyle! That doesn't mean they can't be a really awesome person on certain days!


Could you describe in more detail this PATTERN of behavior?



hnt -> RE: Emotional abuse (6/6/2008 7:34:58 AM)

Hello funny_girl!

Sorry - its been one of those weeks! [:D][:D]

I wrote an article this week about the pattern on my blog. Its funny you mention that, because I got one comment but I got more private emails about that article! LOL! What is Emotional Abuse Actually?



CherishedbyGod -> RE: Emotional abuse (6/7/2008 6:52:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RevMick

I don't mind you asking Cherished. In a lot of ways I am still dealing with some issues and it has been over 26 years since I last shared an address with my father. I don't remember some things that happened but my mom said that I used to get in between the two of them when he started. My father was great at putting everyone down, still is actually. I remember my mother used to take my sister to do things away from the house and when I got older I did the same until my father and his second wife kicked me out of the house when I was seventeen. My father and I have had a strained relationship to this day and we rarely talk today.


Thank you...I understand as I am still trying to deal with mine, also.



gmedifast -> RE: Emotional abuse (6/12/2008 7:56:14 PM)

Funny Girl---I have seen your post many times and I have to say that your family seems so very nice. My wife and I are so perplexed at what God would have us to do about our situation at church. We have brought many of our family members to church, many who have never attended church before and we feel that if we cause a lot of waves that it could damage the process these people are making.

The last few weeks I felt impressed that I should model myself after Joseph and how when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers and ultimately went through everything he did, he stayed quiet and before the Lord and in the end he was elevated to where God wanted him to be. For now, that is what we are going to do, seek God, do as much as possible to build the kingdom and wait for God to handle every situation. Our pastor is building a house of cards, he has in the last year changed his theology, we don't have alter calls, he probably has never offered moments during church to lay hands on the sick. We are just having these seeker-watered-down-services and it is tiresome and I am so hungry to be fed a little bit. I know I am reasonsible for my own spiritual food, but when you put out and put out, you just sometimes want to have someone to break the bread of life for you and offer you something to build your spirit.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.



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