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Single4Life -> Communication (5/9/2008 11:37:53 PM)

Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time getting a response from people. I might expect that if I was just trying to make contact with someone I wanted to take out on a date, but I find this behavior even from close friends. I'll call and leave a voice mail, but never hear back. Sometimes I might get an e-mail response to my voice mail, but that's it. HELLO! I called to TALK to you, not just catch up by e-mail.

This is one reason I got off of Facebook & MySpace...friends just didn't respond. Things like those social sites and e-mail and texting...those are INSTANTANEOUS and QUICK forms of communication. I don't always understand the pattern. I never hound anyone.

I know people get busy, and the area I live in can get pretty hectic. I am disappointed when it seems that the majority of people I am trying to get in touch with simply don't respond. It makes life very lonely and doubts about yourself start to creep in.

All that said, I am grateful for those friends that are faithful to keep in touch...even if it's a couple of days later, when things slow down for 'em. I guess it's nice to know people appreciate your friendship as much as you appreciate theirs.

Can anyone relate?[&o]



Prairiehiker -> RE: Communication (5/9/2008 11:51:09 PM)

Who are these people that you're trying to communicate with? Are they friends, or merely acquaintances? I really don't believe that people get that busy to take a week to respond, unless their on holidays, or has a family crisis. If they are consistently non responsive, I'd leave them alone and move on. I'm very impatient that way. I have this rule that if I'm not in someone's "call back" list, they will not be in my speed dial, or my phone directory. Life's too short to keep trying to connect with people who doesn't respect you, or like you.



woodwind228 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 12:00:20 AM)

I have a close friend of mine that moved out of state last year. We used to talk all the time. But I get awfully frustrated with her because I'll call and end up leaving a voicemail. She doesn't call back. (We have free long distance on our cells.) In fact, she doesn't call me unless SHE has something SHE wants to discuss. It's really frustrating but that's just the way she is I guess. I don't know if it might be because of the move or she's just really busy all the time (which I know she has a lot going on at any given time). Still, I think it's rude. It doesn't happen with her ALL the time - just enough to get under my skin sometimes.



Single4Life -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 12:01:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

Who are these people that you're trying to communicate with? Are they friends, or merely acquaintances? I really don't believe that people get that busy to take a week to respond, unless their on holidays, or has a family crisis. If they are consistently non responsive, I'd leave them alone and move on. I'm very impatient that way. I have this rule that if I'm not in someone's "call back" list, they will not be in my speed dial, or my phone directory. Life's too short to keep trying to connect with people who doesn't respect you, or like you.

Well, some are new acquaintances that you try to develop friendships with, but I've been surprised at how people who have been GOOD friends start to slack off in their response.



rgod -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 12:22:17 AM)

quote:

In fact, she doesn't call me unless SHE has something SHE wants to discuss.


woodwind - if this is happening to you, then perhaps she isn't really a friend? Friends should want to talk to you, know how you are doing, and should also be there for you. There are plenty of people out there who will be truly interested in you. I've been in this situation before, so I can understand this. Maybe you can pray and ask God to send you some really good friends? There should be some reciprocity in friendship - if you are listening to someone all of the time, and they only call you when they want to talk about their problems, then you are their counselor. I'm not saying that everything has to be 50 50 all of the time - there are seasons when our friends lean on us more than others, but overall in a healthy relationship, there should be some sort of reciprocity.



AngelInWaiting1983 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 12:29:30 AM)

I'll admit i'm horrible at returning phone calls. I know people who are the same way.

My best friend who used to live in town with me. We used to talk online everyday or by phone. Well he moved away in November. Now we hardly talk once every other week. I leave him lots of messages. I always leave it open though because like me he is always busy. I always say "If you get the chance or have the time call me. Otherwise its ok I know your busy. Just know that I love you". If I call and sound upset or it seems urgent he calls back right away. We have a strange relationship though.



woodwind228 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 12:40:51 AM)

quote:

My best friend who used to live in town with me. We used to talk online everyday or by phone. Well he moved away in November. Now we hardly talk once every other week. I leave him lots of messages. I always leave it open though because like me he is always busy. I always say "If you get the chance or have the time call me. Otherwise its ok I know your busy. Just know that I love you". If I call and sound upset or it seems urgent he calls back right away.


Sounds pretty much like it is with my friend that moved. She's very busy too. She has 2 kids that take up a lot of her time. Her daughter is into horse shows and they go to the barn at least twice a day, and to horse shows nearly every weekend. Her son keeps a busy schedule too. It's not like she NEVER calls for no apparent reason, but not so much anymore. I stay pretty busy too so there have been times when I've had to return her call. It's not like she's close enough to get together anymore like before. Bummer.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 12:46:13 AM)

I'm pretty bad at communication as well. I've gotten to the point to where I've told a few of my friends that it's not that I don't love them, or want to hang out, but sometimes I just honestly forget. I have a good friend in Central Florida that we talk about once a month and that's only because she initiates it. I love talking to her, but I just don't think to call her. Plus she is married with a child and very busy so I don't want to take time away from her family as well. *shrug*

I do hope you're able to make friends with people who want to be with you for you.

My close friends know that no matter how frequently I go without talking to them, they can always count on me for whatever they need and I think that matters more than me chatting on the phone endlessly about nothing. [:)]



Single4Life -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 3:11:26 AM)

What really bugs me is when you receive a support letter from people you never hear back from. I'm all for missions, but apparently some people will only make contact when they want something from you. Unless it's someone I consider to be a REALLY good friend, I just throw those letters in the trash.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 8:08:25 AM)

Couple of comments related to these things:

One thing I've observed over the years is that friendships and many other relationships (including marriage) "breathe". Sometimes they are very close. Sometimes they fade for awhile into more of an acquaintanceship. And that's OK. Once you realize this, you can let the relationships breathe without panicking, and they are a lot healthier because of it.

Another thing I've noticed is that close friendships are few and far between. They just don't happen that often. It is important that we allow God to bring us into relationship with those He has for us to minister to, and let go of those He seems to have moved out of relationship with us.

S4L, I think there's probably some reasons why you feel you are being ignored--is it possible you have personal issues, maybe life-controlling issues, that are making your friends and acquaintances uncomfortable around you? I don't know a thing about you, haven't even read a lot of your posts, so I'm not saying you have any problems at all. But I know for me, sometimes I am tempted to avoid a person if, for instance, they have a life-controlling problem I can't fix or help them with.

For example, I have one friend who is what we call at our house a "love sponge". No matter how much time you spend with her, no matter how much you do for her, it's never enough. She whines if we don't call her enough. When she's with us, the conversation is all about her: or she's giving us advice on our own lives when she really doesn't have a clue what she's saying.

You can bet we don't hurry to respond to her voicemail.

Also, it can be tempting to base your worth on how many people actively respond to you. But your worth is not based on that. Nor is it any judge of your friendliness or personality. People are probably not deliberately snubbing you. They are just thoughtless. A lot more people are just plain old rude and thoughtless than you think!

I'm also a lot like Prairie: I don't invest time in people who don't have time for me. For many years I would try to maintain relationships with people who didn't reciprocate. I'd ask them out to lunch or whatever, nevermind that they never called me, never asked me out to lunch. Finally, I decided that life is too short for that. If they are Christians, we'll have all eternity together and that's all that matters.

To me, love is spelled "T-I-M-E". If the other person doesn't have time for me except when I initiate, then to me that's a "taker's" attitude, and I've got better ways to spend my time. If they don't want to spend time with me for a specific reason (say, I bug them like my friend I mentioned above) it's their Christian duty to tell me so we at least have a chance to work it out.

I would encourage you to commit yourself to allowing God to orchestrate your relationships. Reach out to those He directs you to reach out to. Let go of expectations of reciprocation. That way you can be at peace about any response or lack of it...He's in control and you've given it to Him to use as He sees fit. Let Him bring into your life those who will best minister to you, too...sometimes that's bringing someone like the friend I mentioned above. A lot of personal growth has happened in my life because I have to deal with her in a Christian manner!

This will take the pressure off of those around you, too. In expecting them to be friends or be friendly, we actually put pressure on people to respond to our needs. God can supply what we truly need--and if we put those needs on Him, where they belong, then we remove pressure from others and they are free to be who they are...and quite often they feel much freer to be our friends because we accept who they are and where they are. We can let God deal in their lives as we rely on Him to provide for us instead of relying on them to provide, to be the kind of friend we think we need.

besiderself



Prairiehiker -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 10:02:36 AM)

I agree with everything Besiderself said. Friendships ebb and flow. True friends don't ignore you. People who don't want to respond to you are not interested in being friends with you. If you have issues that you constantly talk about and are dragging your friends down, they will eventually wear out and distance themselves from you. If you're whiny, negative, critical, people won't want to talk to you.

Build a rapport with people. If it doesn't happen, move on. Friendships are hard to build. Often times you have to meet someone you have an instant rapport with. Otherwise, it's hard work.

Reason why I don't return phone calls/emails. I normally do but when I don't, trust me I've thought about why I'm not returning them now, or later. And it's deliberate. If I can spend a lot of time posting on a forum, I am not too busy to return phone calls that I want to return.



Focusing -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 1:07:24 PM)

A couple more thoughts:

One person whom I adore, but we don't talk frequently, is because we are both single parents working full time jobs and full lives ... we both know that when we do talk it's going to be hours. Unless we have a lot of time to spare, we know better than to start a conversation. But we're both very understanding of the other.

There is someone I tend to avoid talking to (it's a family member, so I can't always avoid her) is because she's a SAHM and has no concept of what my life is like, nor does she try to understand. The conversations generally start off with something such as "YOU need to ... blah blah blah". I tune her out because she's very accusatory, highly controlling, highly emotional, doesn't bother listening to anything I'm saying 95% of the time, and she's usually bored and just wants to nag someone. I do not like people who nag, and will avoid them at all costs. I have to mentally prepare myself to spend time with her, and keep in mind that she does have good qualities. In fact, we will be spending time together today. I just need to limit my exposure.

Also, keep in mind that as people go through life and have new experiences ... boyfriend/girlfriend relationships that are just beginning, or are deepening; they go to college and make new friends; they develop a new hobby - music, art, sports ... these things will take over the top spots on their priority list. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you any longer, or don't care about you, but there are new and pressing things in their lives.

Take music for instance. Remember the songs you used to love and couldn't get enough of 10 years ago? Do you still enjoy those songs? But there are probably new songs now that you really love and can't get enough of listening to them. Just an analogy.



woodwind228 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 1:32:53 PM)

What is SAHM?

I agree totally with what you said.



Focusing -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 2:03:25 PM)

SAHM = stay at home mom



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 6:04:13 PM)

.
.
.
.
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....... I've started writing letters and sending cards again.... wait... did I ever in the first place?? [8D]


The extra effort means a lot.... well, to me anyways!

I think in this life if instant gratification.... it's important to do the best we can....

[;)]



woodwind228 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 6:29:49 PM)

Handwritten notes, letters, and cards are so much more personal. I'm sure they're very appreciated by the recipient.



AngelInWaiting1983 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 6:33:07 PM)

Not to be off subject, but Susan you are very pretty!



woodwind228 -> RE: Communication (5/10/2008 6:35:01 PM)

Thank you!



Single4Life -> RE: Communication (5/11/2008 2:38:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself

S4L, I think there's probably some reasons why you feel you are being ignored--is it possible you have personal issues, maybe life-controlling issues, that are making your friends and acquaintances uncomfortable around you? I don't know a thing about you, haven't even read a lot of your posts, so I'm not saying you have any problems at all. But I know for me, sometimes I am tempted to avoid a person if, for instance, they have a life-controlling problem I can't fix or help them with.


Well, not that I know of, but thanks for making me paranoid. [;)]

I've thought about that and asked trusted friends, but I don't feel I have any dependency issues. I think I tend to be very loyal and friendships are important to me. Its hard when people I feel close to just drift away. I guess there isn't much I can do about it if friends make other things a priority and you are left behind. It seems to happen too often. I can kind of relate to that Social Misfit thread.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Communication (5/11/2008 2:21:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself


Another thing I've noticed is that close friendships are few and far between. They just don't happen that often. It is important that we allow God to bring us into relationship with those He has for us to minister to, and let go of those He seems to have moved out of relationship with us.


I agree with Esther on this.
Sometimes God gives us life long friends, and sometimes God gives us certain friends just for a season.
It is possible, if a friend is no longer reciprocating the friendship. The season for the friendship may be over and you are having difficulty letting go. It may not be the case for you. It may be worth praying about though. I am in a similar situation with a particular friend, I am not really enjoying the process. For us the relationship has to change, not necessarily end. Still, no fun though.
Blessings!



Konstantinos -> RE: Communication (5/11/2008 3:10:14 PM)

OP i understand what you are talking about. some of my friends do that, even some that i consider some of the best ones. some are busy, others may be boring in a way or not know what to say, or not have anything all that interested to say. sometimes you simply dont feel like talking seriously, or jokingly or just blabbing whatever it is. and some people simply dont understand friendship the same(or as well as) you do. some people have never even had a really close friend. they dont know whats it like. some people dont know how to be good friends.

whatever the reason, dont judge so quickly that they dont want to talk to you. that could be the case sometimes, but definitely not always



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Communication (5/11/2008 3:35:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Single4Life

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself

S4L, I think there's probably some reasons why you feel you are being ignored--is it possible you have personal issues, maybe life-controlling issues, that are making your friends and acquaintances uncomfortable around you? I don't know a thing about you, haven't even read a lot of your posts, so I'm not saying you have any problems at all. But I know for me, sometimes I am tempted to avoid a person if, for instance, they have a life-controlling problem I can't fix or help them with.


Well, not that I know of, but thanks for making me paranoid. [;)]

I've thought about that and asked trusted friends, but I don't feel I have any dependency issues. I think I tend to be very loyal and friendships are important to me. Its hard when people I feel close to just drift away. I guess there isn't much I can do about it if friends make other things a priority and you are left behind. It seems to happen too often. I can kind of relate to that Social Misfit thread.


I knew there was a possibility that what I said would cause you to worry about having the issues mentioned--but then, I also figured you were likely already worried about that, so I wasn't going to do any more harm than already existed. But I also tried to make it plain that I do not know you well enough to give an opinion on whether or not you do have a problem.

So, hope you are not offended.

It sounds to me like you've checked honestly with some friends and this is not your issue.

I would venture to say, then, that the problem is not YOU. The problem is sinful people like me who sometimes put priorities where we shouldn't.

So you can quit being paranoid, open yourself to the reciprocating friendships you have and let go of the non-reciprocating ones, allowing God to work in their lives and in yours.

It's rotten, but it is just the way life is.

besiderself



Single4Life -> RE: Communication (5/17/2008 4:45:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself

[I knew there was a possibility that what I said would cause you to worry about having the issues mentioned--but then, I also figured you were likely already worried about that, so I wasn't going to do any more harm than already existed. But I also tried to make it plain that I do not know you well enough to give an opinion on whether or not you do have a problem.

So, hope you are not offended.

It sounds to me like you've checked honestly with some friends and this is not your issue.

I would venture to say, then, that the problem is not YOU. The problem is sinful people like me who sometimes put priorities where we shouldn't.

So you can quit being paranoid, open yourself to the reciprocating friendships you have and let go of the non-reciprocating ones, allowing God to work in their lives and in yours.

It's rotten, but it is just the way life is.

No worries. I was only kidding. I have that loyal streak, so it pains me when friends start fading away...knowing that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. Life goes on, though.



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