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What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 2:05:55 PM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 11762
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From: Between Hither and Yon
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...you found out that a "friend" was posting details about you, your family, your kids, or your interactions on the internet without talking with you about it beforehand? (esp in context of kids since this is the parenting folder)
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Proud Army Wife
Mom to Jake, Hannah, Emma, and Jack
Baby Boy due June 25, 2008
"God has a plan for your life...and so does everybody else." ~said by Doinkdom
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 2:22:41 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4768
Joined: 4/4/2005
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I think it would greatly depend on how they portrayed my family and me, and whether or not it was in a postive or negative light. Also, it would depend on whether or not they were simply posting a few general things, such as on a blog, or if they were discussing me behind my back.
I had an instance awhile back where a friend of mine made some references to a situation where she could have been talking about me, but I wasn't sure. I know I was there, but I wasn't sure I was the individual she was referring to in a negative light. I still don't know who she was talking about, but I was hurt by it because she might have been talking about me. Those who commented on her post seemed to know exactly who she was talking about and were agreeing with her.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 3:08:11 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1015
Joined: 4/29/2005
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If the person posting was protecting my privacy (using false names, not disclosing identifiable details) and if they were clearly posting from their own perspective with an honest intent to gain insight for their own life and interactions - then I wouldn't have a problem with it.
If they disclosed my name, my children's names, details about my home or church or something, then I would be bothered. I would also be bothered if it was one of those posts that just seem to want 'others' to validate some kind of negative perspective, or one that seems to want to ask advice for me, rather than for themself.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 4:43:13 PM
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kohls356
Posts: 185
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It would bother me. It would depend on what was said if I would end a friendship but I sure would watch what I said and what I did when around someone if they were known to go post about it on a message board.
When I read threads like the one this came from on boards, here and other ones, I realize that we are only getting one side of the story. The incident that was being talked about on the other thread is only being told by one person's perspective and he hadn't been there the entire time to know what may have led up to things.
When I read things like that I try to remember there are two sides to every story and I often wonder what the other person/people would be saying if they could be there to tell their side.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 7:09:15 PM
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Ellie-Mae
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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It depends. If they didn't make it obvious who it was about and it wasn't done in a way that is mean or demeaning, I would be ok with it. If they were starting several topics of discussion on my family, I wouldn't like it, especially if they were critical of the way we are doing things.
I wouldn't give them more fuel to start new online discussions about us. We would spend as little time with them in the company of our children as possible.
< Message edited by Ellie-Mae -- 5/10/2008 7:17:55 PM >
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Shar-Mar is my future SIL!
...As soon as my little brother gets older than her.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 7:34:05 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16061
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From: Central California
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It would depend. If it was something in passing, or a general comment, such as "my friend's daughter got married last year and the wedding was so pretty", then I have no problem with it.
But, if they were going into great detail about our lives, especially that of my kids, or picking apart our choices, then I would be upset and we'd have a conversation about that. What I choose to share(and whom I choose to share it with) is something I don't take lightly. If a "friend" decided on their own that details about my parenting, my children or my marriage were okay to post to the public, then they would no longer be invited to partake of any personal information and I would no longer consider them a trustworthy friend.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 7:56:24 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
It would depend. If it was something in passing, or a general comment, such as "my friend's daughter got married last year and the wedding was so pretty", then I have no problem with it.
But, if they were going into great detail about our lives, especially that of my kids, or picking apart our choices, then I would be upset and we'd have a conversation about that. What I choose to share(and whom I choose to share it with) is something I don't take lightly. If a "friend" decided on their own that details about my parenting, my children or my marriage were okay to post to the public, then they would no longer be invited to partake of any personal information and I would no longer consider them a trustworthy friend.
Yup, I agree.
Sarah, I had to stop and think if I had blogged about you or something, lol.
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Ryanne Gabriella Alexis born 8-22-07!
"No firebrands, or deadly arrows just a Springfield XD .40 with Tritium sights" Patriotism
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 9:10:28 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
It would depend. If it was something in passing, or a general comment, such as "my friend's daughter got married last year and the wedding was so pretty", then I have no problem with it.
But, if they were going into great detail about our lives, especially that of my kids, or picking apart our choices, then I would be upset and we'd have a conversation about that. What I choose to share(and whom I choose to share it with) is something I don't take lightly. If a "friend" decided on their own that details about my parenting, my children or my marriage were okay to post to the public, then they would no longer be invited to partake of any personal information and I would no longer consider them a trustworthy friend.
Yup, I agree.
Sarah, I had to stop and think if I had blogged about you or something, lol.
No, this thread was inspired by this thread.
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And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 9:27:49 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1015
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But really, aren't all of our threads about the interactions between ourselves and someone else? Someone at Church, our extended family, our husbands or our children... or someone? All areas of our lives involve other people.
With the exception of the ones about our relationship with God, or some abstract stuff like ethics, everything here is about relationships, and all relationships involve someone else. Particularly in parenting, we often write about our dilemmas in dealing with our children -- but they are 'other people' too, and I wonder if we have their consent to post details about them in a public place.
It's kind of a gray area, when you think about it, to so much as allude to any individual other than one's self in any post - so it can't really be a question of the entire practice being OK or not, it's got to be about what kind of thing in particular crosses your personal line where you become reactive.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 9:47:49 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16061
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From: Central California
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quote:
Particularly in parenting, we often write about our dilemmas in dealing with our children -- but they are 'other people' too, and I wonder if we have their consent to post details about them in a public place.
True, but if we are making that choice for our children(or our own marriage), that's one thing. I don't give my friends permission to discuss my marriage or my children in a public forum.
And with me, you won't find a single post that speaks negatively of my husband or my children, or the choices they make...ever. I guard their privacy very diligently. So, it would be a huge violation to me if I found a "friend" doing that behind my back. Maybe with others, they share enough or complain enough about their family that it's no big deal if someone else add to the detail, but I don't, and wouldn't appreciate someone else doing so.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 9:51:34 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1959
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How would you know it is about you if they didnt name your name?
I would prob do nothing unless it was my name mentioned because that is what forums are about...talking about situations we are familiar with, isn't it?
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 9:51:46 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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Lol, thanks for that Rebekah.
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Ryanne Gabriella Alexis born 8-22-07!
"No firebrands, or deadly arrows just a Springfield XD .40 with Tritium sights" Patriotism
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 9:57:43 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16061
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From: Central California
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quote:
How would you know it is about you if they didnt name your name?
That's true. Even so, I still wouldn't appreciate someone I trusted with information to come to a forum and negatively pick apart the choices we made or ask others if we did the right thing even if no one knew us there. I trust my friends not to talk behind my back about anything I share with them, even to strangers.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 10:02:22 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 25500
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
quote:
Particularly in parenting, we often write about our dilemmas in dealing with our children -- but they are 'other people' too, and I wonder if we have their consent to post details about them in a public place.
True, but if we are making that choice for our children(or our own marriage), that's one thing. I don't give my friends permission to discuss my marriage or my children in a public forum.
And with me, you won't find a single post that speaks negatively of my husband or my children, or the choices they make...ever. I guard their privacy very diligently. So, it would be a huge violation to me if I found a "friend" doing that behind my back. Maybe with others, they share enough or complain enough about their family that it's no big deal if someone else add to the detail, but I don't, and wouldn't appreciate someone else doing so. Way to go, Karlie!
There are things that I went through with certain people during CS's probate that I have never posted about. I did that to protect their privacy - even though what was going on at the time was causing me massive amounts of emotional duress. But even so, I would not want them to stumble upon any discussions about them that were generated from me.
I've also been very open about my childhood and things that had happened. In all honesty, I probably would not have been so forthcoming if my parents were still alive or if any of the other people could easily be identified.
Posting things about another person and then analyzing and dissecting their life choices doesn't seem to be the best use of time; nor the wisest thing to do, nor even the kindest thing to do.
Often times, "getting people's opinion" about someone else's life is just another form of gossip.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 10:03:03 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1959
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but is it talking behind your back if they don't name you directly? The way I see it a discussion I take part in here could randomly apply to any one of quite a few people I may know well or someone I may have witnessed a one time event with...Am I violating trust by having a conversation about it? I don't see it as such because if it happened in public to begin with then it would be considered public knowledge.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 10:04:12 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 25500
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Just because names are not mentioned does not make it right.
If someone is giving my specific details (even without mentioning my name), then yes, they are most definitely violating my trust.
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 5/10/2008 10:10:18 PM >
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 10:07:22 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 25500
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
because if it happened in public to begin with then it would be considered public knowledge.
I've read many threads about things that didn't happen in public. A person's home for instance, is NOT a public place.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 10:21:30 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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From: California
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And, I still say as I said in the other thread, if it is a CHILD/REN issue, those of us who are not parents have to be careful not to judge. I don't care if I am 36, and someone else is 20, if that 20 year old has a baby they still understand 24/7 parenting in ways I don't. Yes, I have nannied for big families 3 times over, I've tutored, I taught preschool, I've babysat so many kids, I can't remember them all, I've taught Sunday School, etc, etc., but it is still not the same as being the one that's ultimately responsible. When I think about parents and how they have to take care of the house, the car, the bills, the meals, the laundry, their job(s), their child's health, education(even if they're not homeschooling there is still transportation, homework, field trips, etc.), activity taxi driving, doctor's appointments, emotional needs, spiritual guidance, etc, etc. it just boggles my mind sometimes.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 5/10/2008 10:27:42 PM >
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And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/10/2008 10:34:45 PM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 11762
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From: Between Hither and Yon
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quote:
Sarah, I had to stop and think if I had blogged about you or something, lol.
LOL
quote:
And with me, you won't find a single post that speaks negatively of my husband or my children, or the choices they make...ever. I guard their privacy very diligently. So, it would be a huge violation to me if I found a "friend" doing that behind my back. Maybe with others, they share enough or complain enough about their family that it's no big deal if someone else add to the detail, but I don't, and wouldn't appreciate someone else doing so.
yup..that's how I feel about it also. What I post about my family is me posting about them...I don't talk about others or their choices on here without first talking with them and secondly asking if they want me to say something on here. I have been asked before to open a discussion so that their anonymity could be kept...but that's it...and they asked for it to be posted about. I fI found someone were posting things about me without my knowledge, and especially about my kids, I would be FURIOUS
_____________________________
Proud Army Wife
Mom to Jake, Hannah, Emma, and Jack
Baby Boy due June 25, 2008
"God has a plan for your life...and so does everybody else." ~said by Doinkdom
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/11/2008 4:13:30 AM
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manda59
Posts: 4841
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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What would I do? Nothing, so long as real names, locations etc weren't used. It honestly wouldn't bother me.
Why should I be bothered?
I'm not so precious about my life, choices, decisions etc that I can't take them being questioned or talked about by others.
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"Well said, Manda"
(BlessedMamaofMany May 2008)
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/11/2008 6:42:29 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4768
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Jesus Land
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quote:
but is it talking behind your back if they don't name you directly?
Yes. If you are giving out enough details about the situation that the person involved can figure it out, then yes. It's happened on here many times. I've seen several instances where one person will be talking about another, when lo and behold, that person, who has been reading, willl start an account and come on to defend themselves. In the particular situation this thread was started from, the situation was quite detailed. If the parents of the kids were reading, they would have recognized the setting and the situation, down to how many times the one child bounced on the other child's back, and where the one child got injured, to what the parent's reaction was, to who was present. The situation was laid out for feedback, and people were telling the poster that their friends had not been good parents in that situation, and he was agreeing with their assesment. If I had been those friends, I would have felt so betrayed. I would have wondered why he felt the need to get the feedback of everyone else about what I was doing was wrong, and why he hadn't just confronted me in the first place.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/11/2008 7:26:21 AM
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Calea37
Posts: 392
Joined: 10/2/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
And, I still say as I said in the other thread, if it is a CHILD/REN issue, those of us who are not parents have to be careful not to judge. I don't care if I am 36, and someone else is 20, if that 20 year old has a baby they still understand 24/7 parenting in ways I don't. Yes, I have nannied for big families 3 times over, I've tutored, I taught preschool, I've babysat so many kids, I can't remember them all, I've taught Sunday School, etc, etc., but it is still not the same as being the one that's ultimately responsible. When I think about parents and how they have to take care of the house, the car, the bills, the meals, the laundry, their job(s), their child's health, education(even if they're not homeschooling there is still transportation, homework, field trips, etc.), activity taxi driving, doctor's appointments, emotional needs, spiritual guidance, etc, etc. it just boggles my mind sometimes.
You are right. I think the "issue" some people have had with certain posts is that someone seemed critical of others parenting skills and they aren't even a parent.  It's a little too easy to sit and judge someone else's parenting when you have never had kids...
As for someone posting about me and my parenting skills, I think I would have more of an issue just in the fact that they seemed to be watching my every move and ready to critique it on a regular basis. It would make me mad and if I found out it would put a severe strain on the friendship.
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Calea
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RE: What would you do if... - 5/11/2008 8:39:06 AM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 11762
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: Between Hither and Yon
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quote:
I think the "issue" some people have had with certain posts is that someone seemed critical of others parenting skills and they aren't even a parent. It's a little too easy to sit and judge someone else's parenting when you have never had kids...
absolutely not...I personally don't have an issue at all with that part....what I DO have issue with is someone posting the details of another's parenting and their family and kids, with detailed information about situations...asking others if it is appropriate actions taken, and they (the poster) never actually ASKED the parents if they would mind this being discussed online where anyone in the world could see those details, comment on them, or just read to know them. My problem has NOTHING at all to do with whether that person is a parent or not...that's not even an issue. Whether they are a parent or not, they should still respect the privacy of other parents in regard to kids that are not theirs.
_____________________________
Proud Army Wife
Mom to Jake, Hannah, Emma, and Jack
Baby Boy due June 25, 2008
"God has a plan for your life...and so does everybody else." ~said by Doinkdom
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