DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION

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beingobedient -> DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/10/2008 10:08:42 PM)
I have posted here numerous times over the past 4-6years. I have written about my wife's continued use of pot, her inappropiate relationships and her lies. Now I write becuase she has added adultry to her list. We have both seen lawyers and I will file by the end of the month. The kicker is - I am not really disturbed about the adultry. I am grossed out by it, but not really upset. I am mostly upset that when I came home early to confront her about the affair - she was in the bathroom smoking pot for 30 minutes while the kids were outside playing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. God forgive me if I am wrong for leaving her and trying to take the kids. And if a judge says that the kids are to remain with her, there is not much more I can do except continue to appeal. I think back to all of those on this forum who said not to leave her over the years and I ask myself "why not?". Things didn't get better.

NotDoneYet -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/10/2008 10:19:13 PM)
Being... I hope you find peace and happiness in the future. I hope your children are placed where they will be happy, healthy and taken care of.

TMeeks -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/10/2008 11:52:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beingobedient I have posted here numerous times over the past 4-6years. I have written about my wife's continued use of pot, her inappropiate relationships and her lies. Now I write becuase she has added adultry to her list. We have both seen lawyers and I will file by the end of the month. The kicker is - I am not really disturbed about the adultry. I am grossed out by it, but not really upset. I am mostly upset that when I came home early to confront her about the affair - she was in the bathroom smoking pot for 30 minutes while the kids were outside playing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. God forgive me if I am wrong for leaving her and trying to take the kids. And if a judge says that the kids are to remain with her, there is not much more I can do except continue to appeal. I think back to all of those on this forum who said not to leave her over the years and I ask myself "why not?". Things didn't get better. But, it appears that in that time things seem to have developed to the point where your children may at least be assigned to the safest home. Who knows... Had you left earlier, your case for custody might have been weaker. We do the right things because it is right to do them... not because it is the easiest thing to do.

ChoirDJ -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/12/2008 2:19:41 AM)
I can certainly understand your situation as the decision to divorce a spouse is usually a very painful one. As a mediator, I deal with situations such as yours everyday and I can't begin to tell you how destructive a divorce is to the parties involved as well as the children especially when it is a prolonged and messy one. A few words of advice if I may...Keep it as peaceful as possible. People's natural tendency is to pull out the artillery and go to war but it doesn't have to be that way. The more you two are able to decide, the less the court will have to decide and the better off you and the children will be. Sometimes lawyers can actually hinder effective communication and make things worse so that's something to take into consideration. UpToParents.org is an excellent site that helps parents to focus on the one thing they have in common - the children. I strongly encourage you to visit that site before you go to mediation (which will be mandatory in most situations).

TATERBUGLETTE -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/12/2008 9:49:41 AM)
my prayers are with you. I would encourage talking to a good counselor...and of course i know you pray....consider the good of ALL, not just one. If one persons behavior is destroying an entire family you may have no option. I have been through it and its hell, so get good advice and seek Gods guidance. but remember to take care of YOURSELF too. Many dont get this, but you cant take care of anyone if you neglect yourself. This isnt selfishness, its a necessity. God bless you and yours.

deermousie -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/12/2008 5:32:04 PM)
Call the cops and get her arrested for illegal drug use and child neglect every time you see this (maybe stay married another month or two?). Then when you ask for sole custody in court, you have a documented "bad mother" to back up your proposal. Otherwise, it's just your word against hers. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Be prepared to be father and mother to your children. I recommend you don't plan on remarrying or even dating until your children are grown; they can't afford to lose a second parent even partially.

beingobedient -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/13/2008 4:45:14 PM)
Cynthia, You are really out of control. The last time I posted on here you indicated that you were shocked by my lack of concern for my children. Do you read the entire post or do you simply pull key phrases and respond only to those? I have seen 8-10 lawyers so far. And b/c I am taking this seriously, I am very selective as to which person I choose to represent me. There are things to consider...ability of the attorney, the venue and that attorney's reputation in that venue. Not to mention the relationship my attorney could have with whomever she chooses. Additionally, the only reason I have not "called the cops" is b/c of the children. Imagine the long lasting images of the police showing up and then their mommy not being there moments later. Even if they didn't witness her being put in the car, they are smart enough at 7 and 5 to figure out what is going on. Well you think about it...by not calling the police and praying for her to right herself, I was protecting my children from my own selfish desires. Cynthia, you simply baffle me. Please do me a favor and refrain from commenting on any of my posts. There has never been any value added when you do. I don't know where your heart is, but your comments come across as rude, thoughtless and insensitive. To all others - thank you for your help, wisdom, and prayers.

cynthia -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/13/2008 11:34:15 PM)
I have made a note not to respond to your posts in the future. I hope things work out for your family.

mbgb -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/14/2008 7:23:46 AM)
I think it sounds best to definitely get away from the stressful situation you are living in right now. I'll be praying. It sounds like bitterness has settled in and when that happens, nothing accurate or clear can happen, sometimes we need a break just to clear our minds and get a nonpartial viewpoint. Also, if she committed adultery against you, then you have a right to leave even according to the Bible. Take care of those kids! I'll be praying!

isaiah6524 -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/14/2008 12:28:20 PM)
While reading your original post, I hear frustration in what seems like wasted time...years and years. I, too feel as though I've wasted years of my life in a dead-end marriage, pouring my heart and soul and every last drop of energy into saving it. And now that it's on the brink of disolving, I can see no good reason for it. Well-meaning people try to quote scripture and christian-pat phrases, but if anything, it hurts more. Just know that you are not alone in this feeling. I'll be praying for you and your family, your attorneys and the process you'll be setting in motion soon. Leave no room for self-doubt, get good counsel and be in prayer. If possible, get prayer cover from people you KNOW will follow through.

JesKlu -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/14/2008 3:08:53 PM)
You may get a lawful divorce certificate, but in God's eyes she is still your wife. Therefore, you cannot remarry someone else. You either stay single, or you be reconciled to her. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 10To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11(but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. It seems you need to pray for her to have a godly repentance. Have you done that? Do you pray for her continually every single day? Your sister in Christ Jesus, Jessica

JazTek -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/14/2008 3:22:39 PM)
quote: You may get a lawful divorce certificate, but in God's eyes she is still your wife. Therefore, you cannot remarry someone else. You either stay single, or you be reconciled to her. JesKlu, Didnt he say she committed adultry?

isaiah6524 -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/14/2008 3:46:10 PM)
JazTek is right. JesKlu, if you read just a little further, you'll see: 1 Cor 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. And in Matthew 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. I don't have the exact reference right here, but the Greek word used for marital unfaithfulness implies sin of a sexual nature. And furthermore, our brother is not responsible for his wife's salvation. He may pray for her 24/7 and God may still not choose to act on those prayers in a positive manner. Ultimately, it is HER decision, HER life, HER salvation.

freakofnature -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/14/2008 4:17:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: isaiah6524 JazTek is right. JesKlu, if you read just a little further, you'll see: 1 Cor 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. And in Matthew 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. I don't have the exact reference right here, but the Greek word used for marital unfaithfulness implies sin of a sexual nature. And furthermore, our brother is not responsible for his wife's salvation. He may pray for her 24/7 and God may still not choose to act on those prayers in a positive manner. Ultimately, it is HER decision, HER life, HER salvation. BEINGOBEDIENT: I know exactly where you are, I lived through a very similar situation. We are divorced now. She was into drugs, heavy drinking and partying. She also had, let's say, more than one adulterous affair. I stood strongly on the word that is quoted above Matthew 5:32. Knowing that I did all I think I could have done, counseling, individual and couples/pastoral, prayer. I have grown up in church and was the first in my family to get divorced. It was a difficult decission, I know for me tho, she decided to leave me, she left me and our three kids. I was upset, angry, hurt all of the things that one would expect to be. It took time, I had to forgive her and because she has been negligent to our children over the last 6 years, I have to keep on forgiving her. But the thing I want for you to remember is that just because you may get a divorce, doesn't mean you can't be supportive of her. Part of what makes divorce for everyone most difficult is I think, the fact that no one can remain friends or particularly the two parties aren't supportive of each other in the long run. There tends to be alot of annomosity. When she does decide to call, I treat her with respect and dignity, ask her if she needs help or prayer and then move forward. She within the last 6 mos. gotten her life somewhat more together and wants to start a relationship with the children. I pray that God blesses your family with whatever your decission will be and that God provides direction and comfort to all involved.

JesKlu -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/15/2008 1:22:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: isaiah6524 JazTek is right. JesKlu, if you read just a little further, you'll see: 1 Cor 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. And in Matthew 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. I don't have the exact reference right here, but the Greek word used for marital unfaithfulness implies sin of a sexual nature. And furthermore, our brother is not responsible for his wife's salvation. He may pray for her 24/7 and God may still not choose to act on those prayers in a positive manner. Ultimately, it is HER decision, HER life, HER salvation. I'm not saying she didn't do anything wrong, and I don't believe I said that he can't divorce her. But what I did say is that he cannot marry someone else after he divorces her because then he will be guilty of the same sin that his wife committed. Just because she broke her vows does not give him the permission to break his. Marriage is permanent. Your sister in Christ Jesus, Jessica

beingobedient -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/15/2008 1:29:19 PM)
Thank you everyone for your advice and prayers!!! Just to be clear. The adultry is sad and it hurts...but the reason for divorce is the drugs. In my opnion, the adultry would not have happened without her drug use. I don't plan on making that the issue. Has anyone faced a custody situation like this where drugs were involved? If so, mind sharing how it turned out? I am stressed about what the court will do!!!

futuremartyr -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/15/2008 11:58:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beingobedient I have posted here numerous times over the past 4-6years. I have written about my wife's continued use of pot, her inappropiate relationships and her lies. Now I write becuase she has added adultry to her list. We have both seen lawyers and I will file by the end of the month. The kicker is - I am not really disturbed about the adultry. I am grossed out by it, but not really upset. I am mostly upset that when I came home early to confront her about the affair - she was in the bathroom smoking pot for 30 minutes while the kids were outside playing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. God forgive me if I am wrong for leaving her and trying to take the kids. And if a judge says that the kids are to remain with her, there is not much more I can do except continue to appeal. I think back to all of those on this forum who said not to leave her over the years and I ask myself "why not?". Things didn't get better. Biblically they gave good advice about you staying, now that she has commited adultery, biblically they would give good advice to tell you not to stay. Pray for her soul...

Carleejoan -> RE: DIVORCE IS THE ONLY OPTION (5/19/2008 8:30:57 AM)
The children should not be in the addiction situation at all. Make sure and fight for them and then provide them with the love and stability they need. Don't criticize their mother to them as she is their mother but love them individually and let them know you'll be there for them no matter what. Make sure they are safe at all times. Focus on them more than on yourself. Sure you are being hurt a lot but their needs are greater right now. I was raised with a dad who was a binge drinker and an older brother with a rage problem. I know what it's like to feel unloved and abandoned emotionally as a child.

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