pastor's wife with very low EQ (Full Version)

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buyoil -> pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 1:21:41 AM)

Hi all,

i come from a very small church, size about 40, and will like to seek some advice. My pastor is a very kind, considerate, thoughtful and pastoral person, really a gentle shepherd. However his wife is the absolute opposite, with very low EQ, she does't talk much, goes about daily with a sour face, and so far I have never seen people being nourished by her.

In church matters, it can be seen that she sometimes overrules my pastor's decisions, and she steps on people's toes in areas of ministry. Seems that she does not know the boundaries. Often times, when we raise this up to the pastor, he tries to explain to us that she is like that due to her broken family background, and her past emotional baggages. And we are to give grace, etc, etc.

There have also been times, when she chides and bosses the pastor in front of his church members.

She has a younger cousin, who is a divorcee. This cousin is also an assistant worship leader, and does language translation for the pastor. As she is quite attractive and has a certain charisma, the pastor's wife sees her as a threat to their marriage, because the younger cousin and the pastor has to work closely together. And she often passes comments that try to bring down the cousin and the cousin's child.

I understand that as christians, we ought to give grace, etc, etc. Guess there is nothing much that can be done, except to bring these stuff to God in prayer. I view our church as a dysnfunctional leadership, when the shepherd refuses to rein in his sheep, in particular his wife's behaviour !

i know it isn't right to leave this church just because of this, but perhaps because of the small size, we are able to see each other's faults more clearly, then compared to a big mega-church.

not quite sure what to make of the situation....



pstrdebi -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 1:51:40 AM)

Buyoil...

Being a pastors wife and a pastor, I guess I would have to ask; have you tried to make this woman your friend?

I think you answered your own question... you need to pray for her!

There is a lot of pressure and responsibility that comes along with pastoring and being a part of a pastors family. They need your prayers more than you could ever know. Pray for God to soften her heart... pray for Him to heal her of her past problems... those things can torment a person for a very long time. Pray against the spirit of jealousy and a domineering spirit in her.

Many times people think that pastors and their wives should be able to handle everything perfectly. We're just like you. we put our pants (or dresses) on one leg at a time just like the rest of the congregation. Remember that along with all the responsibility of the church, the church family, their own family, bills, social issues, etc. they also have other personal issues they deal with also.

Pray for your pastor also. Pray that his eyes be opened to his wife's problems and that he is able to help her.

And lastly, love her. Pour yourself out to her as Christ does for us, and watch her change before your eyes. There is undoubtedly more to this woman than you are seeing on the outside. Just love her as Christ loves you, and you will see the difference. And also, don't allow yourself to cultivate a critical spirit within yourself or the church.

Blessings...
Pastor Debi



iluvatar -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 9:38:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buyoil

However his wife is the absolute opposite, with very low EQ,


Are you saying that she sounds muffled, with no high-frequencies in her voice? Like something is covering her mouth?

-Dan.



rcjames -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 12:36:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buyoil
She has a younger cousin, who is a divorcee. This cousin is also an assistant worship leader, and does language translation for the pastor. As she is quite attractive and has a certain charisma, the pastor's wife sees her as a threat to their marriage, because the younger cousin and the pastor has to work closely together. And she often passes comments that try to bring down the cousin and the cousin's child.


It seems that for a person that in not outward (your description), you seem to know a lot about the Pastor's introverted wife's thoughts and feelings; sound like gossip to me, which is a sin the last time I looked.

And how do you have knowledge of her IQ?

Something is not smelling right here with your views.

Thanks
RC

edited for spelling



JimboFletch -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 12:44:38 PM)

I once had a pastor whose wife sounded very similar. He was not a preacher when they met and married and she resented the change. She eventually divorced him and he has left the ministry. Maybe she was being rebellious, but God usually confirms His call through the spouse and they are a team in ministry, though only one might have a title.



lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 9:12:31 PM)

Did we go to the same church? Once I went to a small church, the pastors wife was awful. I was out of there after much abuse, tried hard to be her friend. She was witch to many. Her husband is and was a whimp, she wore the pants. The Bible tells how a Elders wife should act, and a Christian. I just am not going to defend a woman, pastors wife or not, who acts like a person that is destroying the body. Who would want to come, and be filled? ( yehaw.( The pastor needs to act like a man of God not like Ahab whimping to Jeezabel. Sorry, an ugly trip down memory lane. Yes pray for her, as you pray and see if the Lord wants you in a different, and healthy enviroment.



Sadey -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 9:16:00 PM)

What is EQ or did you mean IQ?

Is the oastor the only authority in your church or do you have elders?
Just wondering about the makeup of your church's leadership?



buckifn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 9:16:52 PM)

What are the last five things you and others in the congregation have done to show love to the pastor's wife?



lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 9:21:03 PM)

You know buckfin, I love you, you ar wise, loving and wonderful. The truth is, this maybe this is very true, and it kind of feels like people will defend the pastors wife no matter, if she stabbed members in the heart with a knife.
quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

What are the last five things you and others in the congregation have done to show love to the pastor's wife?



bzirk -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 10:13:03 PM)

I'm also curious what EQ means.



lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 10:21:38 PM)

Emotional Intelligence, you know how some people are friendly, kind, compassionate. Socially appropriate, have the gift of gab, a good listener, a good talker. That is what I learned long ago, I am sure there is a better definition. A balanced person is what I think is something I forgot to add.



buyoil -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 10:24:32 PM)

yeah, i am also seeking the knowledge of my own heart in this matter. And do pray for me as well that I seek God's heart. I also do not want to stir up troubles in a church that is already very weak in spirit. As for myself, I choose to continue to serve the Lord as He leads, and at best keep her at arm's length. How do you try to love someone who already scowls at you all the time, even when I was a first time visitor to the church, which startled me at the beginning.

It is open knowledge that his wife is behaving like this, many in the congregation either do not care because they are too involved in their own lives or do not want to kick up a fuss. Many stay in the church also because they have much respect for our pastor and love him dearly.

It is difficult to be in such a church where i feel the leadership is crippled. Clearly the pastor and his wife are not moving in tandem in the spirit. My pastor has privately even mentioned that if he was a non-christian, he would have walked out of his marriage many times already.



lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 10:26:49 PM)

Do you live in Oklahoma? I swear, I used to attend a church just like this.
quote:

ORIGINAL: buyoil

yeah, i am also seeking the knowledge of my own heart in this matter. And do pray for me as well that I seek God's heart. I also do not want to stir up troubles in a church that is already very weak in spirit. As for myself, I choose to continue to serve the Lord as He leads, and at best keep her at arm's length. How do you try to love someone who already scowls at you all the time, even when I was a first time visitor to the church, which startled me at the beginning.

It is open knowledge that his wife is behaving like this, many in the congregation either do not care because they are too involved in their own lives or do not want to kick up a fuss. Many stay in the church also because they have much respect for our pastor and love him dearly.

It is difficult to be in such a church where i feel the leadership is crippled. Clearly the pastor and his wife are not moving in tandem in the spirit. My pastor has privately even mentioned that if he was a non-christian, he would have walked out of his marriage many times already.



bzirk -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 10:38:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buyoil

yeah, i am also seeking the knowledge of my own heart in this matter. And do pray for me as well that I seek God's heart. I also do not want to stir up troubles in a church that is already very weak in spirit. As for myself, I choose to continue to serve the Lord as He leads, and at best keep her at arm's length. How do you try to love someone who already scowls at you all the time, even when I was a first time visitor to the church, which startled me at the beginning.

It is open knowledge that his wife is behaving like this, many in the congregation either do not care because they are too involved in their own lives or do not want to kick up a fuss. Many stay in the church also because they have much respect for our pastor and love him dearly.

It is difficult to be in such a church where i feel the leadership is crippled. Clearly the pastor and his wife are not moving in tandem in the spirit. My pastor has privately even mentioned that if he was a non-christian, he would have walked out of his marriage many times already.


The account I highlighted is not good. It is truly bothersome for the pastor to be saying this about his wife -- even if she deserves it. This is not the way for him to handle the situation with her at all.



artemis -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 11:00:42 PM)

Does your pastor's wife receive a salary or something from your church? You hired the pastor, not his wife. If HIS abilities are not up to standard, then that is an issue. If hers aren't, what does it matter any more than any other member of the church?



buyoil -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 11:05:19 PM)

its not the issue of who is hired. The pt is she is hindering the areas of ministry, as well as his leadership. Also I believe as a pastor's wife, she has to be partnering him in ministry. There is no running away from this.



lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 11:19:18 PM)

No a pastors wife can make or break a ministry, his household is not in order.
quote:

ORIGINAL: artemis

Does your pastor's wife receive a salary or something from your church? You hired the pastor, not his wife. If HIS abilities are not up to standard, then that is an issue. If hers aren't, what does it matter any more than any other member of the church?



bzirk -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/12/2008 11:21:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buyoil

its not the issue of who is hired. The pt is she is hindering the areas of ministry, as well as his leadership. Also I believe as a pastor's wife, she has to be partnering him in ministry. There is no running away from this.


Your pastor speaking of his wife in derogatory terms is a sign of weakness in his leadership abilities. I hope he just had a weak moment when he said that, and it has not been repeated because it's a very damaging statement. It is not just damaging to his wife but to his leadership of the church because it's says that he's caught and is helpless as well as being a divisive statement. That's not leadership. Again, I hope you just happened on him at a weak moment and the Lord covers his mistake. It's fair to say that we've all had weak moments (many of us more than a few).

In the meantime, the best thing you can do is ask for wisdom from the Lord about your response. Let the Lord set your expectations of these people. Perhaps you're in their midst because you're going to learn something you may need later. At a minimum you can be used to cover all those involved in prayer.

Blessings.



pstrdebi -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 12:57:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bzirk

Your pastor speaking of his wife in derogatory terms is a sign of weakness in his leadership abilities. I hope he just had a weak moment when he said that, and it has not been repeated because it's a very damaging statement. It is not just damaging to his wife but to his leadership of the church because it's says that he's caught and is helpless as well as being a divisive statement. That's not leadership. Again, I hope you just happened on him at a weak moment and the Lord covers his mistake. It's fair to say that we've all had weak moments (many of us more than a few).

In the meantime, the best thing you can do is ask for wisdom from the Lord about your response. Let the Lord set your expectations of these people. Perhaps you're in their midst because you're going to learn something you may need later. At a minimum you can be used to cover all those involved in prayer.

Blessings.


Wow... I agree completely. And I am even seeing some harmful comments on this thread.

You know this world is full of dysfunctional families.. what makes this family different is that they live in a fish bowl. People mess up... people have problems... people get angry... and people hurt. Yes, pastors and their wives are suppose to be a shining example for the church... leaders that lead by example and have their house in order. But what happens when they slip?... Do we just watch them fall? Are we all so holy and righteous that we have no room for forgiveness because they let us down and didn't live up to what we expected?
Or do we come along side and lift them up and pray... as God commands us to do?

Yes... they need to have their house in order... and we can go to them in love and hold them accountable for their actions... but it is God's job to fix them... not ours. We need not lambaste them or any other person for that matter.

quote:


lightshineon...
You know buckfin, I love you, you ar wise, loving and wonderful. The truth is, this maybe this is very true, and it kind of feels like people will defend the pastors wife no matter, if she stabbed members in the heart with a knife.


You sound like you've been hurt before... and I am sorry for that. Please do not allow yourself to be bitter... all deserve forgiveness... 7 x 70.

Much love... and blessings
Pastor Debi



LaurainAL -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 1:40:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: artemis

Does your pastor's wife receive a salary or something from your church? You hired the pastor, not his wife. If HIS abilities are not up to standard, then that is an issue. If hers aren't, what does it matter any more than any other member of the church?


Good points artemis.



LaurainAL -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 1:42:20 PM)

I can solve all your problems very quickly.

Look to Jesus as your example, not your pastor or his wife. He will never let you down. They will.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 2:04:49 PM)

I can see how having a marriage like that can be detrimental to a ministry.

As a normal member of a church, I would feel led to take the pastor's wife under my wings, and develop a friendship with her and pray for her. Sometimes those in leadership aren't really ready for it yet. It is much easier to calm down, feel secure and so forth if she feels like she has a friend who truly cares about her.

I know this may sound odd, but I would probably look into seeing if she could go on a Walk to Emmaus thing where she could be ministered to in a very personal and powerful way.



buckifn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 2:11:36 PM)

If you have not yet applied love to the situation it's wrong to gossip about the pastor's wife...and even if you have, gossip is still wrong.

Either care enough to confront the wrong in person in love or leave it alone.


I asked about what has been done to show love because love is the ex we are supposed to follow...



crownlaurel -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 2:25:09 PM)

This saddens me greatly. I am sure there are pastors' wives who just weren't cut out for it, but as a pastor's wife, I can tell you people misinterpret things in so many ways. People have said these same things about me. One woman left our church and began telling everyone that I controlled the church and my husband because I watched an usher pick up the offering in the middle of a sermon and I quietly went to him and let him know he needed a second person to count it with him. While I did this to protect him, the few people who saw what happened began to tell others that I chastised him and I wanted control of the money. We are from different cultures and as hard as I try, because we have about 5 or 6 different cultures in our church, I usually end up offending someone. I'm so glad that James warned us we'd be judged harshly because "in many things we offend all." (James 3:1-3)

My husband shares his thoughts and ideas with me. I know what he wants and he has asked me to relay things to other people because he can't be in all places at once. Then those people turn around and say that I am controlling. I'm not submissive enough. I don't work in the kitchen when there's food (because my husband told me not to by the way).

When my mother died, within weeks, some of our members began spreading rumors that I was unattentive and didn't minister to them. Not one of them ministered to me in my heart wrenching loss. Through many many hurtful episodes, I have had to heal from the pain and bitterness of thinking that everyone was judging my every move.

Maybe some of her attitude comes from the way people have talked about her behind her back. She is human and has feelings too. It's not easy to be a pastor's wife. We are expected to be superhumans and mild and meek at the same time. If we're too involved, people say we're controlling. If we're not involved as much as some want, we're stand-offish and not good PWs. You don't know how he treats her at home or how she's been hurt in the past or in the church. Maybe some of the things she says to him in church are reflections of things he's said to her and she wants to see him stand up for what he says in private. Maybe some church members are trying to control things and he doesn't have the assertiveness to stand up and she tries to cover him. Though that may not be the best approach for a wife to take, it's hard to stand by while people step all over your husband, and then when you do, you're the bad guy and he's a saint. Maybe if she weren't a Christian she would have left him long ago. It may not be what's happening, but you only see what happens in public so you don't know. The truth is that if it weren't for Jesus my husband and I never would have made it through all these years. That's because we're both humans and we both have faults and issues because we're both sinners and we're both grateful that Jesus is the reason we're still together.

Please reach out to her. Please pray for her and please stop talking about her to other people. Follow Matthew 18 and speak directly to her when you feel offended...allow her the opportunity to explain herself or to ask for forgiveness. So many times I have needed to be ministered to and there is no one to minister to me. I am so glad that we do have members now who love and accept me for who I am and work with me in making our cultures and our characters work together and who give me the opportunity to say I am sorry when I offend them and didn't mean to.



lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 2:29:16 PM)

Sister Debbie, hi yes I have been hurt, but I have forgiven long ago. My comments were mostly, tounge and cheek. My husband is an elder in my church ( different from the one where pastors wife, really hurt people) I take my role as an elders wife very seriously. The other pastors wife in my old church, hurt many people, including threating to kill her mother, who lived in terror of her. The pastor made the very same comments OP pastor did, about wife. There is a difference between living in a fishbowl, and people having a critical spirit, and a pastors wife so hateful, that she hurts the kingdom. My pastors wife now, is very quite, but sweet, I have people say to me she is a snob. I defend her, saying "no she is quite and rserved, I tell them people think that about my husband who is reserved' So sister Deb, please I know it is hard to see from internet, but I am not a bitter person. I think just because someone is a pastors wife, does not make them good, and with the husband, wrong or not, saying the statement he did, about his wife tells me, this is not, a small character flaw we all have, but someone that is hurting the kingdom, and possibaly bring reproach on Christ and the Church. My problem is tis buyoil, came here seeking advice, do not know if they are a new Christian or not. I agree love never fails in all situations, but does not make the person bad, or a gossip because they are disturbed. Why are we beating up buyoil?

quote:

ORIGINAL: pstrdebi

quote:

ORIGINAL: bzirk

Your pastor speaking of his wife in derogatory terms is a sign of weakness in his leadership abilities. I hope he just had a weak moment when he said that, and it has not been repeated because it's a very damaging statement. It is not just damaging to his wife but to his leadership of the church because it's says that he's caught and is helpless as well as being a divisive statement. That's not leadership. Again, I hope you just happened on him at a weak moment and the Lord covers his mistake. It's fair to say that we've all had weak moments (many of us more than a few).

In the meantime, the best thing you can do is ask for wisdom from the Lord about your response. Let the Lord set your expectations of these people. Perhaps you're in their midst because you're going to learn something you may need later. At a minimum you can be used to cover all those involved in prayer.

Blessings.


Wow... I agree completely. And I am even seeing some harmful comments on this thread.

You know this world is full of dysfunctional families.. what makes this family different is that they live in a fish bowl. People mess up... people have problems... people get angry... and people hurt. Yes, pastors and their wives are suppose to be a shining example for the church... leaders that lead by example and have their house in order. But what happens when they slip?... Do we just watch them fall? Are we all so holy and righteous that we have no room for forgiveness because they let us down and didn't live up to what we expected?
Or do we come along side and lift them up and pray... as God commands us to do?

Yes... they need to have their house in order... and we can go to them in love and hold them accountable for their actions... but it is God's job to fix them... not ours. We need not lambaste them or any other person for that matter.

quote:


lightshineon...
You know buckfin, I love you, you ar wise, loving and wonderful. The truth is, this maybe this is very true, and it kind of feels like people will defend the pastors wife no matter, if she stabbed members in the heart with a knife.


You sound like you've been hurt before... and I am sorry for that. Please do not allow yourself to be bitter... all deserve forgiveness... 7 x 70.

Much love... and blessings
Pastor Debi



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