DH comments re attractive women (Full Version)

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miscindy -> DH comments re attractive women (5/12/2008 6:44:49 AM)

I've posted before about dh wanting me to view porn with him. He realizes now that I won't watch it and won't turn it on when I'm around. (He still watches some after I go to bed though.) I viewed this as progress. However, he's suddenly begun over the past few months making comments about attractive women when we are out. The other day in Target, he said "Mmm, there's a tasy snack!" It makes me feel very hurt.

My response was silence. Then in the car as I continued my silence, he asked what was up. I said nothing. Bringing it to his attention would have brough conflict and we were staying at his mother's house with the kids for mother's day. The discussion would have ruined was what otherwise turning out to be a nice weekend.

DH is an athiest. Pastor has told me before that I can not expect him to follow Christian morals, because he's not there yet. I do want to be respected though. Do I pray about it only or also talk to him? Do I wait until it comes up again before talking?



evryknee -> RE: DH comments re attractive women (5/12/2008 8:01:19 AM)

I'm sorry for your pain. Definitely pray - but bring it up when you have some time alone together. I wouldn't wait til next time, but that would be something to pray about. Let him know you're feelings, how this affects you, your intimacy with him, how it affects your children, etc. This is an addiction. There is a book for women on www.purelifeminsitries.com or .org whose husbands are caught in the addiction that I would encourage you to read.



CatholicCritter -> RE: DH comments re attractive women (5/12/2008 11:32:32 AM)

I disagree with your pastor. Expecting a spouse to quit acting like a pig is reasonable and has nothing to do with Christian morals, but Natural Law. God writes his law on every human heart and everyone, your spouse included, knows that what he is doing is wrong. There are many moral atheists in the world and many who would not subject any person, let alone their life partner, to this stuff.

Write your husband a letter when events like this happen. In the letter, pick out a single feeling that you have from it--for example 'hurt' is the one you posted. Then go about explaining that feeling in terms of Images (some visual image that explains your feeling and the level of it) and/or Personal Experiences (like a time before when you felt the same leve of hurt). Give that feeling a color or intensity. All this is geared toward getting your husband to really understand the feeling you had when he did what he did. He seems to be oblivious and callous about it right now but maybe he just doesn't understand the gravity of what he does and its effect on you. This would also allow you to really get ahold of that feeling and know yourself better.

Anyway, just my $.02



csl7037 -> RE: DH comments re attractive women (5/12/2008 12:34:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatholicCritter

I disagree with your pastor. Expecting a spouse to quit acting like a pig is reasonable and has nothing to do with Christian morals, but Natural Law. God writes his law on every human heart and everyone, your spouse included, knows that what he is doing is wrong. There are many moral atheists in the world and many who would not subject any person, let alone their life partner, to this stuff.


I agree. Expecting him to tithe may be one thing but his behavior is repulsive. That's uncalled for.



DustyLady -> RE: DH comments re attractive women (5/12/2008 5:33:20 PM)

I'm going to try a different take on this. You said that your husband has commented on other women before. What was your reaction at those times? Did you ignore him, as you did on this occasion, or did you speak out against his behavior?

I wonder if he said what he did in an effort to instigate a response on your part. When someone (my husband or anyone else) does something like this, my typical response is to ignore it. Continued ignoring of this kind of behavior will eventually result in his stopping it altogether, if it doesn't yield the kind of reaction from you that he's looking for.

I think you need to look at a broader picture here. You need to determine why your husband continues to engage in behavior that he knows is upsetting to you. That includes watching porn, commenting on other women, or any other negative behavior that he might be engaging in. (And I would suspect that there are others.) It may not be a lack of respect or morals. There may be a deeper issue here. The porn and other women are just a symptom of a broader problem, in my opinion.

Dusty



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