RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (Full Version)

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phosadaud -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:02:18 PM)

((((((((((((Christi))))))))))))))


I really can't add anything, because everyone else has said it so well. Praying that everyday you experience God's love in a deeper and richer way and that you know His healing touch. You are His precious child, my friend. Never forget that! [sm=hug.gif]



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:10:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1

Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.

This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.

quote:

"You are now a motherless child"


Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.

Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.

Ditto ~ also remember if she beat you what would keep her from beating your child? You can forgive but not have a relationship.



lightshineon -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:23:45 PM)

Were you not always a motherless child, what has changed?



awed -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:27:36 PM)

[:(](((((Christi))))) For what you endured.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw1

Print out a copy of your OP and give it to your Aunt.

This is not her cross to bear. Advise her lay this burden at the feet of Jesus.

quote:

"You are now a motherless child"


Unfortunately, my friend, you always have been. But you have a Heavenly Father on which you can always rely. Stay as far away from Brenda as you can. She is mean, manipulative and mentally ill. Don't even think of having any kind of relationship with her until the day comes when you are totally and completely convinced that she has been saved and her cruel and evil nature has been fully changed by the healing power of the Lord.

Pray for her, but please don't let anyone convince you to put yourself or GB anywhere near a position where you can be mentally or physically attacked.


I agree with the others about Kerr's post. It pretty much sums up what I feel about your situation.
Including the advice to the aunt. There is no way she can ever see things through your eyes, unless she has experienced the the things you have.
She can pray about the situation, lift Brenda and you in prayer, but in my opinion she has no place telling you what you should feel or do in this situation.

You're in my prayers.

(((((Everyone who has suffered abuse))))))[:(]



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:34:58 PM)

((((Lynn))))

Thank you for reading my novel.[;)] And thank you for your prayers.

It was pretty hard for me to write about my past in here. I felt kind of like there might be people who I know personally in here (there are several of you) who might think differently of me. That's really just the devil and I know it. I thank God for you and all of my online friends and those who have and will post here that I've never spoken to before. It's hard at times to let people know where you've come from, but I just have to remember that the abuse was never about me...ever. The abuse is about the abuser.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:36:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: phosadaud

((((((((((((Christi))))))))))))))


I really can't add anything, because everyone else has said it so well. Praying that everyday you experience God's love in a deeper and richer way and that you know His healing touch. You are His precious child, my friend. Never forget that! [sm=hug.gif]

((((Kristin))))

Thank you, my friend!



deermousie -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:37:05 PM)

There's been many wise words on this thread, and I've read them all with interest. My kid is in college, and it still hurts to have had parents who hurt and demeaned me daily. It's a struggle - a spiritual struggle - to realize that we were lied to by the ones God gave us to to raise, love and train, AND to realize that God's Word is true and we daily have to remind ourselves we are precious and loved (see Isaiah 43!)

quote:

ORIGINAL: awed
(((((Everyone who has suffered abuse))))))[:(]


Aw, this is great. Thanks! I'll send a hug back to you, dear one! (Awed)



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:43:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leslie35



Ditto ~ also remember if she beat you what would keep her from beating your child? You can forgive but not have a relationship.

Leslie, that horrifying thought didn't occur to me until that phone conversation in January of 2007 when she denied, vehemently what she had done to me as a child. After I hung up, I shuddered and held my little girl close and thanked The Lord she was never harmed (that I know of).



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:44:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lightshineon

Were you not always a motherless child, what has changed?

That's exactly what I said after reading that email.[sm=thumbsup.gif]



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 10:56:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: awed


I agree with the others about Kerr's post. It pretty much sums up what I feel about your situation.
Including the advice to the aunt. There is no way she can ever see things through your eyes, unless she has experienced the the things you have.
She can pray about the situation, lift Brenda and you in prayer, but in my opinion she has no place telling you what you should feel or do in this situation.

You're in my prayers.

(((((Everyone who has suffered abuse))))))[:(]

((((Sharon))))

Thank you for the hugs and prayers!

I totally agree with what Kerr posted too. That's wise council if ever he gave any.[sm=cooltilt.gif]

You're so right. The only thing my Aunt can and should do is pray. "Fixing" Brenda is something only our Lord and Savior could do. She's beyond unreasonable and she's systematically pushed everybody in her life out of it...friends and family. She has the hardest heart of anybody I've ever seen. As much of a monster as she was and as much of a liar and manipulator as she is, she could be changed. That's not my giving her any credit whatsoever, that's belief in what miracles our Lord can do. But, my aunt will never be able to get through that wall and Brenda has no intentions of letting it down a pebble. There's nothing but prayer. Laying any of this on my shoulders is just another slap in the face. It's not hers and it's not mine.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 11:00:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

It's a struggle - a spiritual struggle - to realize that we were lied to by the ones God gave us to to raise, love and train, AND to realize that God's Word is true and we daily have to remind ourselves we are precious and loved (see Isaiah 43!)



I just read that...what a love story! How encouraging! Thank you for that!

I wish somebody would have told me about that a long, long time ago. What a comfort.



musicboss11 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 11:18:44 PM)

Last year I had a relative that was jumping into a family thing. After trying to nicelly talk to the relative about not being involved, they just were not getting it. I finally had to say "I'm sorry, but I don't see that this is any of your business. This is between me, and <blank>". Blunt? Yes. It worked though. The relative in question got the point, and has never brought it up again.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 11:25:14 PM)

Musicboss11, sorry they didn't listen when you asked nicely. I don't think my aunt will need me to be very blunt about it. She's a peace keeper by nature and I don't think she's considered that this is not for her or me to fix. I'm like her in a way...wanting there to be peace where there can be. When she reads these posts (I'm pretty sure I'm going to print the thread out and mail it to her with a letter), I think she'll be pretty remorseful about trying to place this on me.



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/12/2008 11:54:27 PM)

(((((((zmanfan38))))))) That must have brought back so much pain for you. I was abused but it was by a stepparent. I do not know how bad it feels to have your own mother act that way but it must hurt much more then having a step parent doing it. This is one of the few times I wish I could give a real hug rather then a cyber hug.

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leslie35



Ditto ~ also remember if she beat you what would keep her from beating your child? You can forgive but not have a relationship.

Leslie, that horrifying thought didn't occur to me until that phone conversation in January of 2007 when she denied, vehemently what she had done to me as a child. After I hung up, I shuddered and held my little girl close and thanked The Lord she was never harmed (that I know of).



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 12:01:34 AM)

Leslie, I'm so sorry you went through it too.

Thanks for the hug. Cyber or not, it's very thoughtful and I appreciate it![:)]



deermousie -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 1:39:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

((((deermousie)))) cute name![:D]

God bless you also for stopping the cycle.


Thanks, Zmanfan. I love little mousies! Who is Zman?

I consider myself a "pivot" - the point on which my family changed from abusive to godly. My parents could never figure me out and died thinking I was the family failure. Ever read Lewis' "Last Battle" from the Chronicles of Narnia? They were like the dwarves in the stable, unable to see reality because they'd already made up their minds how life was. Sad.

But it's our job to live in God's truth. Yay!



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 9:18:29 AM)

I haven't read any of the Narnia books yet. I have a stack of "must reads" in my room and there are only 2 left, so maybe I can get that one after reading the other two. Yeah, that does sound very sad.

We're Chicago Cubs fans. My favorite player is our pitcher, Carlos Zambrano and his number is #38. I joined the forums in September when baseball season was in full swing and it was on the brain.[:D]



delete123 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 4:06:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38
I receive a letter from my aunt saying the same things she's told me on the phone a couple of other times in this year and a half since Brenda severed the relationship with me. She says that since I'm a Christian, I should forgive her again and patch things up with her.

My Aunt's intentions are good and she's a wonderful, Godly woman


Zman~
In no way should your aunt guilt you into a relationship. With the famous, "You are a Christian!"

BTW Yes I come from a very abusive backround as well. My mother was like your mother except I also had to deal with her husband as well kwim?

My abuse started from my mother from age 6 and with her husband age 10. Oh yeah and my mother you would think was saintly as she as well claims does not remember treating me or my sisters the way she did.

One day (My poor brother) she was reminicing about how her life use to be and that if she could start over, she wouldn't have had not one of us.

I believed it took me years to "get over it." Well I only lied to myself, because I really hadn't. Yet I had gone back there and put on Christ on to have them abuse my in a different way. I too also married an abusive man, not physically, more mentally and verbally.

It may help you to read the book boundaries or even the Dave Peltzer books: A child called It, The lost boy, and a man named Dave.

Anyhow I agree with others that you should not reconcile. Forgive yes as a Christian we are committed to do this, but have a relationship. I don't think so.

I have a relationship with my mother and her husband, but believe me, it's like I hold my breath everytime I visit and I only stay about 20-30 minutes. My mother has parkinsons disease and is bed ridden now, so allow my 2 y/o visit with my presence and fiance only.

But was guilted by a christian woman with the, "What kind of christian are you?"

My fiance is a Cubbies fan. Where I live it is hard to find Cubs memoribila!

I will pray for you, stay strong
CRH



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 4:37:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crh737
It may help you to read the book boundaries or even the Dave Peltzer books: A child called It, The lost boy, and a man named Dave.

I will pray for you, stay strong
CRH

((((CRH))))

Thank you for your post and for sharing your past with me. It takes a lot of courage to do that in such a public place.

I'm so sorry you've been there too...and not just by the hands of one adult, but two of them. And that jab of a comment about not having her children if she could do it over broke my heart.

I have heard of those books you mentioned, but have never read them. I may get at least one in the near future.

My FIL has Parkinson's...it's an awful disease, isn't it? He's had a lot of grief just from the medication.

Yeah, there isn't a lot of Cubs stuff around here either. Most of my stuff was ordered online. Tell him "Go Cubs!".[:D]

Thank you for your prayers. I really covet the prayers that I know are being lifted up for me because of this thread.



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 6:32:26 PM)

I remember one time telling a friend at school about the abuse. She in turn told her mother who was a mandatory reporter. I was so very angry with her for a long time. It seemed worse at the time that everyone in my small town knew. Well that in turn shocked my mom into finally leaving my step father. She thought it was OK if he strangled her or held a knife to her throat but when she found out about me that was her breaking point. We left that little town and my mom made me go to counseling for years. Now after seeing what happens to most abused children, how they just marry another abuser I wish I could thank her for saving me and probably my mom too.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 8:33:02 PM)

Leslie, God bless your friend for telling a respectable adult what was happening to you. Even though you went through quite enough, she most likely saved you from much more, and even worse abuse...and your mom too.

I've wondered what it is that makes abuse survivors marry another abuser. Isn't that strange that we'd do that? I know one reason is that I didn't feel worthy of being treated like a human being. Who knows...I turned 19 just a few weeks before marrying the guy and kind of thought that was my ticket to do life my way. Of course, I wasn't a Christian at the time and we all know that "my" way does not work anyway.



zmanfan38 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 11:34:46 PM)

I gotta share this praise.

The letter from my aunt came the day before Mother's Day and after reading just enough to see what it was about, I put it away because I refused to let anything ruin my 3rd Mother's Day. (it was fabulous, by the way)

I opened the letter Monday and read it. While reading it, I noticed the mail carrier drive up and leave mail in my box. The letter made me feel uncomfortable and I cried and prayed and put it away again.

Then I went out to the mailbox...

There was a Mother's Day card in there from another of my aunts (one on Dad's side of the family). It was so sweet and encouraging and it included some *very* good news...my brother and his wife are expecting a baby!!![sm=dance.gif] Oh how I needed that. I cried again...happy and grateful tears this time. I thanked God for that wonderful timing. I called my aunt (the one who sent the encouraging Mother's Day card) and we talked for over an hour. She felt bad that the card got here a day late and I told her what a "God thing" it was that it came in my box at the very moment I needed it.

Thank you all SO much for your responses and for sharing your own experiences with me.

Another praise is that I let my husband read this thread this evening. He's also a peace keeper type and he's always hoped that I'd "fix" the relationship with Brenda, but he's only alluded to it...he never vocalized it. He understands now. That alone lifts a planet's worth of burden off of my shoulders. I feel so free tonight...so peaceful.

Something that has stood out to me in the posts in this thread, both yours and mine, is that because abuse is about the abuser...never about the abused, means that to place the responsibility of "fixing" the problem on the abused is as wrong as the abuse they endured and survived. It's a one step forward, three steps back kind of thing. Abuse survivors have a complex web of information and misinformation to sort through because reality and our perceived reality are so different. Abuse survivors are not responsible for the actions of their abuser and they are not responsible for "fixing" the abuser or the relationship, if there ever was one.

With that said, I think I'm going to print this thread in the morning and send it with a written letter to my aunt. Please do continue to post if you will. I think many of us are benefiting from talking about it and learning from each other.

God bless you all, and thank you!!![sm=heart.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/13/2008 11:43:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zmanfan38

Abuse survivors are not responsible for the actions of their abuser and they are not responsible for "fixing" the abuser or the relationship, if there ever was one.
You go, girl!!! [sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=dance.gif]



Focusing -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/14/2008 12:07:10 AM)

quote:

I feel so free tonight...so peaceful.

Praise God!!!

[sm=heart.gif]



delete123 -> RE: Need help: a family member trying to fix other family members' relationship (5/14/2008 12:10:12 PM)

I am sooo Happy for you and I believe it will all work out.
May God continue to strengthen you and give you a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Praying for you

CRH



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