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RE: Step-Son Living With Us - 6/29/2008 2:49:11 AM
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annie70
Posts: 7
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline
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Harvpluer, I appreciate your honesty. Believe me, we have all been doing quite a bit of soul searching. I do feel like a failure for not being able to love this child unconditionally as I should. When I am not with him my heart breaks for him. I want him to love me too. I did marry my husband knowing full well I was getting an already made family. I did not enter this lightly. I have been with him since he was 5 years old, nearly every single day since, even homeschooling him for 2 years. And on the few days he really seemed to want me to love him he was so sweet. But it just seems like most of the time he spent trying to be as unlovable and as manipulative as possible.
I know, the shrinks are saying that he was just crying out for attention. Yes, I knew that. But when I knew he could be sweet to me and a holy terror to his father who didn't seem to mind...it only created a lot of problems. Which now we are all paying for. We are all guilty. My husband for allowing it. My ss for doing it and me for trying to keep peace in my family by...by what? By going from "I'm going to take care of you if it kills me (and it was)" to "I'm fighting a loosing battle so I'd best at least try to take care of the two little babies I do have some control over."
He's always been very impulseive. Last year he had such a time controling his temper, that I was a little afraid of him. Punching holes in walls even. He was just mad at the world and us and himself and I did try to avoid him. He did need help, but we'd been down that road before. It was always my idea and no one else cooperated. So I gave up on that too. I am afraid that he will come here and get frustrated and despite all of our good intentions, even his, he just won't be able to cope. I don't want to HAVE to send him away. This is one reason why I think it is best if he just starts out at his mom's in the first place.
I do not feel that I do "godly" things just to appear godly. I'm kinda what you see is what you get. I'm not perfect. I sin. I've made mistakes. But my pastor said one time that you can tell if a stick is crooked by laying a straight one next to it...meaning that I try to make my decisions based on what I believe the Bible teaches. In my heart--and perhaps my husband and ss see this differently--I truly have tried to raise all of the children the same. I expect no less from one than the other. Right is right. Honest is honest. Respect is respect. And my husband says that is why he married me--because I was a no-nonsense kinda gal.
But then I feel like a failure because for the millioneth time this child is unrepentant and willfull and I am faced with fighting with my husband over the matter or leaving it to the Lord...which has been very hard to watch most of the time.
I don't know the feeling of the rejection that my ss faces. Not truly. I see your point. But I am struggling to play the hand that life has dealt to me with as much fairness and grace as I can for everyone.
And this is where it hurts everyone. I don't think I am wrong to lower my standards over some headstrong kid who thinks he knows it all. If we are a "family" and we are "Christians" then we should worship together, play together and work together. But my ss thinks differently and my husband gets tired of this battle and after 10 years I got tired of the battle too. Especially when there was no victory. My ss became more worldly and bitter, my husband all but ignored the situation unless I nagged him all the time so I became resentful.
I do not know if I made the right choice to just ignore my ss behavior too, but it ate at my soul. But now, how can I in good faith try to answer my younger children's questions of "Why doesn't so-and-so have to go to church? Why doesn't he have to help out in the yard? Why doesn't he eat dinner with us? Why does he get to watch that? Why didn't he go to school today? Why does he talk like that?" And on and on it goes.
Does giving it all to the Lord require so much faith that I may have to watch the younger children go down this same path of rebellion? Does this child really exclude himself or are we excluding him because he is just miserable to be around?
I'm sorry if I go on so much. I lay awake at night thinking of all of the things I've said to him and want to say to him. I want nothing more than to love this child. I want him to allow me to love him. To teach him, to play with him, to help him. But it is so very hard to love him when he doesn't even try. How much is still his mother and father and my fault and when should I expect him to pull himslef up by his bootstraps and move on?
I know, that sounds so heartless. I never had an easy childhood either, but, you know, there are just some people who have it in them to overcome and some who never seem to grow up.
He toys with the idea of coming here...but always on his own terms. And when things do not go his own way he pouts and mopes and withdrawls or just gets plain mean. And this happens daily. It is very complex. Part of it I know is just baggage from life. Part of it is rebellion towards God and part of it is just plain old pig-headedness. He's still very immature and really does need someone to hold his hand and walk him through life. Yet when someone tries to do that he gets so angry and can't imagine why things just aren't fair to him.
Josie423...I am very intersted in your view of things. How much older is your brother than you. And how things played out in your home. Did you understand what was happening and want to emmulate your brother or did you understand that he was making the wrong choices? Were your parents trying to help him or ignore him and how did it affected you.
I feel so very torn between trying to help my ss and trying to keep his influence away from the younger ones (ages 6 & 9). I hate at this moment that I do not have enough Faith in God to protect them, although I am ashamed to admit that. It's not that I don't trust God, but look, bad things happen to people all the time...and I'm sure He does not Will it. He does allow things to happen because of people's own freewill choices. I'm certain God did not approve of his mother leaving him, but she did...and now we have to deal with what has become of it. I am certain God does not approve of my ss attitude, but the choices he makes absolutely will affect the rest of us. So now what? I'm certain He does not approve of how I always reacted to my situation, but what's done is done.
As of this evening, my ss will be coming to our home sometime next week. After that, I do not know. Thank you so very much for allowing me to talk this over with you all. That alone is cathartic...especially at 1am when I can't sleep.
Annie
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RE: Step-Son Living With Us - 6/29/2008 9:43:46 PM
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josie423
Posts: 14
Status: offline
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I'll share some of my brother's story with you.
My brother (M) is 2 years older than me. I didn't exactly try to emulate him, but I joined in his bad behaviors at times. For example, M would mercilessly pick on one of our brothers and I would usually join in. I definitely understood that he was making terrible choices. Most of the time I stayed away from him. The few times he was happy and cheerful I would try to be his friend, but that usually didn't last long. He was very up and down and could go from happy and friendly to bitter and hateful in just a minute or two.
My brother was into some very bad stuff. He was steeped in porn, and watching awful movies whenever he could. We were homeschooled and whenever he decided to do some work, he would cheat. (He never actually finished school.) He would tell my parents, "I need to go to the store and buy x, y, and z." In reality he was going out to party, do drugs and have sex. He lied about anything and everything. It was awful. There is so much I'm sure I don't know because my parents didn't share all. He ran away too, at the age of 15.
My siblings couldn't understand why M didn't do school, or join us for Bible studies or family activities. They didn't understand why he could treat them and my parents the way he did. We avoided him and he did likewise. It was bad. My parents, btw, did not ignore him, but tried everything they could to help him and get him back on the right path. (Nothing helped.)
M eventually moved out at the age of 17 to live with a "wonderful" pastor he met. This pastor turned out to be a homosexual pedophile and tried to rape my brother (he's in prison now). My brother got his own place with a girlfriend after that and they got married last Jan (although I just found out they're divorcing). He's definitely settled down but he is still miserable and has horrible guilt for what he did as a teen.
He has always tried to pull me into his lifestyle too, to make himself feel better (offering pot to me, offering to get me a tattoo, trying to get me to listen to his disgusting music). "Well look at righteous little Jo doing some of the things I am! Guess I'm not so bad." He knows he's living in sin, but he desperately wants approval. We have become close throughout the last few years and now that he's separated and feels even more like a failure, he comes to me to pour out his soul. I don't know what's going to happen with him, but I sure hope he gives his life to Christ once and for all.
Exposing your children to your stepson's behaviors will not be good for them. My brother hurt us, and my parents efforts changed nothing. He was in rebellion. Offer your love and support to him, but don't try to change him. He's got to do that on his own, which I have a feeling he will.
I hope I helped you see things from a sibling's point of view.
_____________________________
~Jo
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-Terry Pratchett
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RE: Step-Son Living With Us - 6/30/2008 4:15:48 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1696
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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This young man is not just a headstrong kid who thinks he knows it all. He is a very wounded hurting soul that desperately needs his dad to be man enough to truly be a father the way God intended us to be a father to our children.
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RE: Step-Son Living With Us - 7/1/2008 9:26:57 AM
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Row1
Posts: 212
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline
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your husband has really won this contest.
he has you convinced that he is not the problem.
he has convenced you that the son is the problem. and you have gone off on this wild goose chase.
when you turn the light toward him, he deflects it somehow.
that is everything.
and you know this.
i am telling you this because i want to support you that you are right.
your main strategy and concern should be to get your husband to be the father to this son. anything and everything you do should be directed toward your husband.
if the mom calls or emails, walk him through all communications, etc.
if the two of you decide the 17yo should take out the trash, you and your husband need to develop a plan to monitor whether this is done, and a plan for your husband to be the enforcer. this is just an example. your husband needs to be doing lots of things, like having decent quality time with his 17yo. son.
starting at 17yo or 18yo is better than nothing.
who knows how your husband might get guidance. if he went in to counseling knowing he was the main reason for all of these problems, and became dedicated to addressing them however he could, he would make counseling work. same for a men's bible study group.
this will happen only if you can shift your husband out of his comfortable position.
you carry the effort for figuring out how to help this 17yo, and your husband kicks back and shrugs his shoulders, and says, 'well, i am ok with the other kids. let's tell my son to go live with mom.' and he is done with the problem.
then it is all up to you.
your husband is doing this to you.
you need some guidance on how to shift this pattern and shift responsibility onto husband. a counselor can help you to figure out a strategy to make your husband uncomfortable, and make him shift into a new position in the family - the father position.
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