Step-Son Living With Us (Full Version)

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annie70 -> Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 2:11:23 PM)

Hello! I would like to get some sound advice about a situation we are in. My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. He has a 17 year old son from his first marriage who has always lived with him/us until recently. We also have 2 younger children together, 6 & 9.

The stepson's mother has not been involved in his life so for all intents and purposes I have been his "mother" since he was 5 years old. However, he's always been very headstrong and my husband has always been easily manipulated by him. It's been a very constant struggle. As a child I was firm but loving and he was usually pretty well behaved for me. But when his dad was home he became unbearable because my husband would not discipline him and I had to. We would always fight over this. When I wasn't home they acted differently so it was always "mom's rules" not "our rules".

Around the age of 12 (we were homeschooling at the time) I think my stepson finally realized that he could defy me and he was no longer "afraid" of me and knew his dad would not force him to obey. He stopped doing his schoolwork, chores and was openly defiant, etc. going so far as to laugh at me when I'd ask him to do something. Anytime I tried to revoke his priveleges my husband overrulled me.

The worse this got I felt I was forced to keep fighting a loosing battle or step aside to keep peace in my marriage. I wanted the children to see me respect their father so that they would respect him, despite his lack of involvement in his stepson's discipline. I can't say it was the right decision, but it was the best one at the time. My stepson withdrew further into his own little rebellious world and I had such a hard time relating to him.

It was VERY hard to want to do fun stuff with him when he was no longer contributing to the household chores, doing his schoolwork (he had to go back to school), being mouthy, having bad attituteds, etc, and all the while never being held accountable for these things.

Anyway, the older he got the worst the rut we were in became. I was glad he was at school all day, felt sick to my stomach when he came home and was glad to send him off to camp in the summer. He no longer took meals with us, which I hold my husband accountable for because he just let his son have his own way in nearly everything. I felt bad that it was usually just us and the younger kids doing things together, but my stepson was so miserable to be around and I would get so upset because my husband would all but ignore his rude behavior. It was more peaceful when he wasn't around. He was just an unhappy person. ANd it made me sick to thik the younger children were seeing us being so disrespected and disobeyed. Rather than be seen as having no authority (in the little kids' eyes) I simply stopped asking my stepson to do things. Which of course drove me crazy.

My stepson claims to have been saved around the age of 6 and I have not doubted that until the last few years. As he becomes more rebellious I fear for his soul. He now speaks outright against God. I am not sure if he does that just to shock us or because he feels that way, but he lives a very ungodly life.

Things were so bad last year--when he didn't feel like going to school he didn't and my husband never even grounded him or anything--I insisted he spend the summer with his mother in another state. Within a week he was calling to come home because he was so bored. My husband was ready to give in, but I felt he should know how good he had it at our house. He promised to be better and to change, etc. but within a week after he was home his attitude started all over again. He got detention the first week of school!

In September my husband had to go out of state to work for 4-6 months. I refused to stay with my stepson because he does not obey or respect me. So the options were all of us go with him or send the stepson to live somewhere for a few months so he could finish school. In the end, he went to live with a family I did not approve of and I and the smaller children went with my husband out of state. I hate to admit it, but for the first time we had a normal, peaceful, Christ-centered family life.

My husband flew home to visit his son and he came to stay with us some, but it was evident that he was becoming even more worldly and the family he was staying with had even stopped going to church.

My husband was offered the out of state job so I came home after 4 months to get the house ready to sell. I saw my stepson a few times. He was nice when he came to the house, but I didn't require anything of him either. Cut his hair, fed him, made his birthday cake, etc. He remained at the other family's house because it is in a different school district and he wanted the freedom.

We spent Christmas Day togther as a family which was pleasant. But the week that my husband was home they didn't see each other anymore. Also, 2 months later as we were packing up to leave for good--my stepson would finish school out where he was at--he was always too busy to spend any time with us and we were too busy to spend a lot of time with him. We sure could have used his 17 year old self to help us lift and move things, but...anyway.

While we were gone he had gotten his ear pierced. I know it is not the end of the world, but if we had been with him we would have not allowed him to do it. So, since we could not control this we just asked that he not wear it at the house or around the little kids--I still have hope that they will not see his rebellousness and try the same things. He refused to take it out and only saw my husband for a few minutes in the driveway before we left. It was very sad. It is not as if we have stopped loving him, but at the same time, why can he not just be respectful enough to take the stupid thing out for a little while while he visits?

So, here we are a few weeks before school lets out and he either has to go live with his mother or us. The family he is with now is crazy. The teenage boy has been in trouble with the police, drinks, takes drugs, etc. Even this "christian family" has been smoking and drinking. Our son has admitted to doing it too, but says it's stupid and doesn't do it much! How bold he is to even tell his father this...but what can he do about it?

We told him if he comes here he will be expected to attend church, have chores and take his earring out at the house. But he doesn't want to do that. He thinks since he is 17 years old he can make his own choices, but he still needs our food, shelter, clothing, money, car, etc. I am just so afraid that he has become even more independent and set in his ways that the battle will be even more fierce this time around. He was just suspended from school for walking out on a teacher.

I am also afraid of what a bad influence he is on the younger children. Not to mention the strain he is going to put on our marriage. My next child is 9, approaching pre-puberty and he doesn't need any more ideas in his head than he has about being obedient or not to us. For the most part I believe my children are God-fearing and obedient. I want to keep it that way. My husband does relate to them differently and I don't want them to see how this older child gets his way everytime. After my stepson's last visit I had to spank my 6 year old daughter because she repeated kept trying to wear her pants hanging down so low her underwear was hanging out--"just like brother" was her reasoning. In my mind it's not just fashion anymore--if he wants to be like that around his friends or at shcool I can't do anything about it, but at least have the respect for us to pull up your pants in front of your family if they ask. But he has not respect. He only cares about himself. I get so sick of his negative remarks every single time we do an act of service or kindness towards each other or others. And when we try to be kind to him he just gets angry.

That being said, I am praying over what to do. I feel terribly guilty for saying he HAS to go live with his mother--who will be much more tolererant of his ungodly ways becuase she is not a Christian. He will be just 4 hours from us so we can visit without him being mad at us for controling his life, and he will be near his older brother and some cousins he can hang out with.

I am certain it will be best for my marriage and my younger children if he did not come to live with us. But will it be best for him? How I want him to be in a loving Christian environment, but he does not care about that. And he has the power to make our lives miserable. My husband unfortunately gives him that power. Even if he was completely rebellous and even more wild than he is I think I could live with it if I knew my husband would repeatedly stand up to him, lay down the rules and stick to them. Then the younger children and I could see evidence of his commitment to his son and to us and to God. But I can't count on that happening.

I don't feel God's peace yet either way, but I do feel guilty for "sending him away". I know many will advise us as parents to have a united front and all of that, as others have already said in the past. Yes, it is the best thing, but I cannot count on that happening. So please, if you have any advice, it has to just be about the situation as I have presented it. I have accepted my husband as he is. I love him and I am committed to him forever. He is a good provider and father to the younger children. I know cannot change him. So I really just need advice on how to deal with this situation as it is right now and really as it has always been.

Thank you very much.



buckifn -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 3:33:20 PM)

If you let disobedience, disrespect, and laziness be the norm for 12 years I don't think it is reasonable to expect change now that the kid is 17.

Send him to his mother and concentrate on doing the right thing with the children you have remaining. It saddens me to say but the parent's in this case have failed this young man miserably if what you say is indicative of the whole story.

I just have one question- why would you remain with a man who cannot stand up to a kid who refuses to respect his wife? That is not what God expects from a husband or a wife.


You are asking for advice on what to do now...normally I would suggest approaching the child protective system and try to get this kid some help, but the reality is a child who is 17 going on 18 will prob. not get a second thought in a system already burdened beyond belief with cases to handle daily. If you had intervened early the system could have stepped in and ordered family counseling, along with other boundaries to help the son and father, even the mother ...

Because you waited 12 yrs I am sorry, but I don't see much choice here with this one. Focus on the younger ones and find enough backbone to require your husband and family to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. Insist the husband get family counseling.



Sadey -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 5:33:04 PM)

This is incrediably sad. Your husband does not love his son and I'm sure his son knows this. I think your son is better off with anyone except your husband. How cruel to care enough about his younger children that he makes them mind while not asking anything of this boy. What a mess. Please do this boy a favor and let him live with someone else.

You keep saying that your home is Christian but how Christ like is it for this man to neglect his son the way he has. What kind of an example has he set for any of his children?

What he is saying to his oldest child is that he just doesn't care enough about him to spend the time and energy raising him. This is awful.

This stepson at least has had you care enough to try to make him do what is right. Although your husband certainly stopped that didn't he?

I think some family couseling for is called for here.



annie70 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 6:08:50 PM)

Thank you Buckifn for your reply. It is not as if I have let disrespect and disobedience be the norm for 12 years. I try very hard to let the Bible be the standard in our home. I have tried all along to raise ALL of the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But for some reason my husband thinks that my stepson is different and should be treated differently. You are right, I cannot change this child. He is in the Lord's hands.

As far as remaining with this man...well, divorce is not an option for one thing. And for whatever reason it's just been different with this child. My husband is much more involved with the younger children. I think it is because they have been raised right to begin with, enjoy family time, don't try to manipulate each other and respect one another. I think my husband has always felt a little sorry for his oldest son being a product of the divorce. Which is not an excuse, but just a fact.

It may not be what God expects from either one of us, but am I in the Will of God if I leave this man? I don't think so. I respectfully ask you to reconsider giving this advice to anyone. The only grounds for divorce is adultry and only then if things cannot be reconciled. And me leaving my husband just makes more children victims here. Should I go out and get a job, stop homeschooling and deprive the children of a daily relationship with their father just because of one troubled teenager? It has been God's good Grace that has gotten us through the rocky times. And these past months without the daily influence of my stepson our marriage and family have gotten better than it's ever been.

As far as social services go...that is an awful can of worms to open for anyone. This child may not have been disciplined properly or trained properly, but I sure don't want some humanistic social worker telling us how to raise our children. His life is not in immenent danger, and what can they do with a rebellious 17 year old anyway?

We did try to get things straightened out early on. We have been to counseling numerous times with numerous people. Pastors, social workers, psychologists, doctors, etc. And the bottom line has been the same. We need to be united, regardlesss of which philosophy on child-rearing we have. My husband has always whole heartedly agreed with this idea, but it's been very hard for him to stick with the program. Therefore it's been easier to just do it his way in the end instead of fighting all the time. But again, it's only been this way with the stepson, not our children we have had together.

It is not as if we waited 12 years to do anything. It is just that it has been 12 years of ME being the disciplinarian, with the last few years going down the toilet. I have no authority now.

I do not feel that I lack backbone. If you bang your head against a wall year after year, eventually you get a headache and want to quit. As this child became a teenager and insisted on having his own way at any price that I had to decide what was more important...fighting a loosing battle or having a peaceful home. And now that he has been out of the house for the last 9 months it's been a relief. We all act and feel like a loving family. There is no more tension, walking on eggshells or fighting. This is what it should be like. Right or wrong, having him in our house creates so many problems. But what does the Lord want...a happy home for us or the boy back with us? That is the real issue.

Thank you buckifn.



Hislittleone -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 6:10:13 PM)

I agree with Buck and Sadey except for sending him away. You asked what would be best for ss in this situation. I'm not sure that sending him to a home where he'll have even more freedom to do whatever he wants without much supervision is the best thing. At least in your home he'll be somewhat surrounded by Christian values and have more supervision.

Where does your ss want to live? Where does your husband want him to live?

I agree that family counseling is in order and should have been done long ago.

buckifn:
quote:

I just have one question- why would you remain with a man who cannot stand up to a kid who refuses to respect his wife? That is not what God expects from a husband or a wife.


Exactly.

buckifn:
quote:

.......find enough backbone to require your husband and family to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. Insist the husband get family counseling.


This is worth repeating.

This is a sad situation. This little boy has been lost due to other people's sins. Very sad. [&o]

ETA: Annie, we must have been posting simultaneously. Didn't see your last post until after I posted.

You come across as putting most of the blame on your ss when in fact it belongs on your husband's shoulders for failing to be the leader of his home that he's been called to be. Not disciplining his son and even stepping in to prevent you from doing so is going directly against scripture in several ways. The Bible says that a man who does not take care of his family is worse than an unbeliever. Taking care of family includes discipline of the children. It's not just about bringing home the bacon.



annie70 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 6:35:18 PM)

We have had counseling. As far as I am concerned it is no longer an option. It doesn't do any good. I go to counseling alone to help me to deal with issues that come up, to help me to try to love this child and work on my marriage.

I did not mean for this to turn into an attack on my husband and myself. He is a good man with faults, as we all have. He loves me for better or for worse as I love him. It was the Lord's Will for us to marry and move and most everything else. Certainly not how we raised this boy, but...

I know that my stepson has gotten a raw deal out of life. Quite frankly, so have many others. Some people pull themselves up by their bootstraps and others don't. This child seems to follow after his mother and only care about himself. She is still immature at age 50. I have tried to intervene for as long as I was able. It is hard to admit that I can do no more than pray, but unless he allows me to take care of him I can only do so much.

And I know it must sound crazy to hear how without this child we are a happy Christian family. But we are. We do devotions, go to church, spend time together, etc. We did these things while he lived with us too, but he was allowed to opt-out, which was wrong. Yes, it is wrong that this boy has been allowed to do his own thing for so long. I don't know what else to say.

I want to give him a loving environment with boundries, but all he sees are the boundries. And all I can see is how many rules he wants to break without consequences. And all I can think about is the harmony and peace we finally have in our home after 11 years is going to go out the window.

My husband sees both sides. He would like to have his son here to spend time with, but in reality I know that besides this teenager having his own life (school, friends, job, sports) and us wanting and needing to do family things (yardwork, outings, home projects) this boy might get a few days a month or less with dad alone--just like the rest of us. Most things we do as a family. Doesn't everybody? I have no objections to a few father and son days or weekends sometimes.

My husband also sees that having him here will cause a lot of trouble--especially since he has had more freedom this past year. He knows that living with his mom will free us up to have a nice relationship with him without all the hassle of discipline. We can be free to love him without having to make him tow the line. But I do think they miss each other.

My stepson, flops from one thing to the other. Sometimes he want's to come here--as long as he can not go to church, wear his earring and keep his own schedule--and sometimes he wants to go to his mom's. Mostly he wants to stay where he is, but that's not going to happen.



annie70 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 6:57:40 PM)

I know most of my frustration is put on my ss. I am so sorry for that. I guess it is easier to get mad because he's not behaving properly than at my husband who won't step up to the plate no matter what.

Believe me, I do get mad at him. I get so frustrated. All I can do it put it in the Lord's hands. If I get mad enough he does act differently for a while, but it is more to please me than a change of heart. He's just a very laid back person and if I'm happy being in charge he's happy with that. The problem has been that my stepson has always resented that and has spent his life trying to get his own way.

I think the hardest part for me has been trusting that this will not happen all over again with the two little ones. If they see how we are with the oldest, why should they not try to do the same? I guess I don't trust the Lord enough in this area, but it is so hard.

I know it is my dh responsibility to take care of us. I know what scripture says. How do I reconcile my marriage then if I am always mad at my husband for not raising his son right? For not training him to be responsible and accountable? If I don't respect him (at least outwardly) then how will the children know how to respect him?

I feel selfish in wanting to keep things peaceful. His mother's not a drunk or anything. She's married and has a nice home. But she just walked away when he was 3 and never much looked back. She has stayed in touch periodically, more in the last few years because he's tried to stay in touch with her.

I'm not saying that this is okay. I'm just trying to say that I have to live with this man for the next how many years and my stepson will be on his own soon. I do carry a heavy burden of guilt for how I may have contributed to the pain this child has experienced. I know his mother and father are mostly to blame, but I've been the most involved in his life and now I hate to admit that I don't want him to come back and live with us. But is that the right decision?



buckifn -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 8:48:36 PM)

I am not advising you to leave your husband, but I am saying force his hand into doing something to develop some parenting skills and some positive ways to communicate with his family, beginning with you, his spouse.

I am not blaming you either, it sounds like you have tried, but one parent cannot make any family complete.

Your stepson is prob only reacting to what has been shown to him, esp by the dad. Not knowing anything about you at all, based on what you posted here it sounds to me like the stepson is a bother and nuisance whereas the other kids are more than welcome. Children pick up on those things early and often, esp. from their parent.

Because of the stepson's age I don't think there are many answers for you except to pray with him love him and give him totally to God. Sometimes the damage has been done and that is the high price of divorce when kids are involved.


I would also pray and ask God to give you a heart of love and compassion for this young man. Try to see his life in his shoes instead of thinking of your guilt your hurt and your frustration. How would you feel living your life where you know everyday you are not wanted?

Based on what you said it sounds like this young man has been abandoned twice...once by his mom and everyday by his dad who is present in name only.



blessednw -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/24/2008 11:13:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: annie70

I know most of my frustration is put on my ss. I am so sorry for that. I guess it is easier to get mad because he's not behaving properly than at my husband who won't step up to the plate no matter what.

Believe me, I do get mad at him. I get so frustrated. All I can do it put it in the Lord's hands. If I get mad enough he does act differently for a while, but it is more to please me than a change of heart. He's just a very laid back person and if I'm happy being in charge he's happy with that. The problem has been that my stepson has always resented that and has spent his life trying to get his own way.

I'm just trying to say that I have to live with this man for the next how many years and my stepson will be on his own soon. I do carry a heavy burden of guilt for how I may have contributed to the pain this child has experienced. I know his mother and father are mostly to blame, but I've been the most involved in his life and now I hate to admit that I don't want him to come back and live with us. But is that the right decision?


You know, the problems with this young man are rooted in the breakup of his parents, this was the place where he was to grow and be connected and develop. The fracture still affects him and may affect him for a very long time. I believe strongly in honoring one's original vows as taught in Scripture. I won't say much here though, I have talked about it on the marriage/divorce/remarriage thread here.

I wouldn't take all the blame, because then we think we alone can fix it, and can be in anguish because we aren't seeming to be able to do so. I am not at all saying you haven't tried to connect and do what is right by him.

I think your best bet is to "release" him to his parents. Mom and Dad. It is their responsibility to care for him. When he went away, it was like he did the 18 yr old independent-move-out kind of thing. You kind of lose your authority with them when they come to that place. It is God's job to reach them, our job to pray for them and to trust the the Lord really cares and will use their circumstances and consequences of their choices to teach them what they need to know.

As for your job, you can do the best with your kids and trust the Lord to work with their dad.

don't worry about your kids and their future, but teach them about the Lord's desire to know them and walk with them and for them to love Him and submit to Him.



annie70 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/25/2008 12:05:43 AM)

Thank you all for your insights. It will remain a matter of prayer as to what the future holds for us.



Christian30 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/25/2008 2:24:39 AM)

Annie, you seem to be doing well in loving your husband. Unlike 1 or 2 posters, I DO NOT think you should divorce, as there are no biblical grounds. The are where your husband has failed is very serious though, and I am sorry for you in that regard.

I do not think he should live in your home if he cannot abide by your rules, and I dont' think you should beat yourself up over where he ends up. It killed us to make our 18yo daughter leave when she could not abide by our rules, but she flat out told us she couldn't obey the rules, even though we'd really lowered our expectations (and probably too much) for an older child. But she did come back after a few months when it got tough to be on her own. Still, she has to follow the rules. She's still hard to live with at times, but easier than before.

Your husband likely "oversympathized" after the divorce, but he has not done your ss any favors by not making him obey and do as he is told.

So very sorry this has happened to you. May God bless you.



car2ner -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/25/2008 8:49:53 AM)

ONe other thing, it seems that teens get so full of themselves sometimes. Young guys trying to be men but having no idea what that means. All you can do now is role model the behavior you want him to pick up. When this young man goes out into the world next year, starts paying rent, working 5 to 6 days a week, buying and cooking his own food, etc, he may start to see your expectations in a differant light.

Yes, dad should have been the one to knock the young stallion down a peg. Young men need a strong father, but even then, they can be so pig headed (girls too but we are talking about a son right now).

No reason to leave dad. That wouldn't solve anything! It would only make things worse.



Szaftoo -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/25/2008 9:14:17 AM)

What you should or shouldn't have done is irrelevant, it's over. Could you sit down with your husband with no distractions and come up with a plan? Would he be open to seriously discussing it? It's important that all of you, even his other mom, be on the same page with this.
He is 17 so I assume he will be graduating soon. I know he doesn't talk much, but do you know what his plans are? He will soon be 18 which make him an adult responsible for himself. Does he know this?
I am so sorry for what you are going through and will help you pray.



shadowspring -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/25/2008 3:29:50 PM)

Posting after reading the OP and nothing else:

You have no reason to feel guilty for telling him to go live with his mother. She's his MOTHER! She gave birth to him and has a responsibility, legal and moral, to be there for him.

I am assuming your dh will send child support, of course.

You are right to do your best to protect the younger children from his bad influence. The house rules are the same for everyone (or at least should be). You are not purposefully excluding him from your home, he is purposefully excluding himself.

It is imperative that you pray for him daily though, no matter where he lives! And I would pray for his father's repentance, because the Word says if you fail to discipline your son it is proof that you hate your son. This boy feels that he is worthless and unloved, and behaves accordingly. He needs the divine intervention of God in his life!

All this is not your doing and is quite out of your control. I think that it is time to pray fervently and continually for this boy, and let his natural parents do their part to support him as the law and morality require.



deermousie -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/25/2008 4:38:54 PM)

I grieve over a lot of things here (with you, not "at" you); life is rarely ideal and God allows things that only heaven will reveal the reason for.

One of the problems this poor young man has is that his world fell apart when he was three. That wasn't your fault, Annie, so don't beat yourself up. You've done your best, but your husband consistantly dropped the ball. I think you are wise to love your husband and realize that he has limitations like everyone else. It's unfortunate that this boy got the bad end of that one, but God uses hardship in everyone's lives and He is probably doing something in this kid's life that will end up wonderful. So keep praying!

Personally, I wouldn't sacrifice the smaller kids for the older one who is out of control, too old and too male for a mom of any kind, and will soon be a legal adult. I'd boot him. It's more rejection from you, so it would be important that he understands that he can't live at your house if he disobeys and disrepects and sets a horrible example of a lost life in front of two impressionable kids. Protect the good stuff you've got going instead of risking the good for the unlikely event the young man will slap his forehead and utter surprise at what a fool he's being. Like someone said, it's going to take the herd stallion to knock this young'un down a peg, and it doesn't look like it's going to happen. God will use life to do this, but very likely not you. Bigger hammers are called for, and God is in charge.

Find him another place to live, protect your little ones, and keep praying like crazy. Find ways to show love to this guy that doesn't put your kids at risk. God bless you guys; I am praying today.



hnt -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/26/2008 11:15:34 AM)

You shouldn't be feeling quilty about this.

You can't raise another spouse's child without cooperation. Your husband needs to grow a backbone! He will harm his child if does not! Broken bonds or NOT with his mother - feeling sorry him or NOT - is NOT doing this child any good.

Your husband needs to look at where the incentive for this child to do any better? He has given him none so far. He refuses to give him consquences which will harm him greatly in life. He will constantly be picking up the peices of his life he doesn't learn to change his mindset.

It seems all you can do is allow your husband to pick up the peices, and remove yourself from them. All uglies connected with the son - allow your husband to deal with. If he is out of town he needs to figure that out. If he is not available for rides he needs to figure that out as well.

It sounds like he is a good man overall, but he is in serious need for a wake up call! The older child is going to start resenting things soon as well. He is going to see how well the other two are doing in life, and he is going to be mad that no one handed him that. That will open a whole new can of worms.

I would be praying for both of them! You have tried to hand him some disciple, and your husband bascially took those rights away from you. Your hands are tied. YOu mentioned you are seeing a counselor....please ask the counselor about some healthy boundaries for both your husband and stepson.



Memaw. -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/27/2008 9:25:15 AM)

quote:

The stepson's mother has not been involved in his life so for all intents and purposes I have been his "mother" since he was 5 years old.


I am also "mom" to step children.
Have been since they were 2 and 4.


This young man has been rejected by his biological mother, his dad is wishy washy, and now you want to boot him out.

I would probably react the exact way he is if I lived through that.

Did you not know there was a son when you married your husband?
They are a complete package, and until the son is 18 he needs to be in the best environment....for him.... not the easiest for you.

Just my opinion.[:)]



NoDumbBlonde -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/27/2008 11:06:23 AM)

Hi Annie,

I'm so sorry to hear of your stuggles with your ss. It sounds as if your husband may be guilt-ridden where your ss is concerned and thus has allowed him fewer boundaries and little discipline in trying to make up for his mother not being in his life. Not uncommon. Instead of taking a united front in parenting, your husband may be allowing guilt to give the kid what he thinks is a break. In contrast, your ss may see this as a lack of love. Example: my father allowed me free range when I was with him during summers when a teen. (parents divorced when I was 12). At 14, I was allowed to date this boy, 17 who nearly raped me and kept me out until 2 am. By the time I finally got home I expected my father to be waiting ready to kill me. But I found him sleeping soundly never knowing when I came in or if I was ok. The "date" was horrible and I spent the evening fighting this jerk off only to realize that my dad didn't seem to care what happened and if I was ok. It least that was my perception. I was not the rebellious type but a good girl who just wanted to be loved, protected and cherished by her father. Which brings me back to your ss. Here you have a kid rejected by his mom and then treated differently than siblings by his dad. I'm sure he found ways to get what he wanted by manipulating you and your husband into what he wanted. I'm sure in some ways he was glad to have gotten away with things but then deep down he may have felt like those lack of boundaries isolated him and convinced him that his dad didn't love him as much. Not saying that your husband didn't or doesn't love him but that he undermined your authority in the home lead to many of the problems you are now facing.

What I suggest is to sit down with your husband and set some house rules. As parents we have to stand united. The addage "united we stand, divided we fall" is very true. All rules should apply to everyone. Help your husband understand the importance of having a united front.

Is your husband a Christian? If not pray that he becomes a believer. If so make sure that you bring your faith to the forefront in your home. Pray together as a family. Let this young man know that he IS loved and important in your family even when yuo may not like him much these days. While I can imagine the struggles/conflicts you are dealing with on a daily basis, in many ways your ss is struggling as well. I imagine he's trying to find a way to fit in, figure out who he is and why his mom hasn't been there for him. He may be trying to cover up deep-seeded hurt, anger, resentment, etc. in ways of rebellion. The earring thing, is it really worth the fight and conflict for such a minor expression? Learn to choose your battles. While drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, etc. are issues to stand firm on and never compromise, some things are just not worth the battle. You can show your younger children that you don't approve but you may want to avoid a useless battle. I agree to protect your children from some of the negative situations but also let them know that despite the troubles that parents continue to love, support and pray for their children. This can be a great learning opportunity for your younger children to speak out and pray for their big brother.

While I imagine you've truly done the best you could have for many years, surrender it all to the Lord. I know it may sound preachy and I apologize for that but we know that we cannot change people but God can. We can, however learn to react differently to them thus allowing them the opportunity to change without losing face. Instead of focusing on this young man's faults or get bent out of shape for his earring or haircut (whatever he's into) welcome him as he is. Remember, Christ accepts us as we are, warts and all.

I'll be praying for you all.



deermousie -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (5/27/2008 7:40:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hnt The older child is going to start resenting things soon as well. He is going to see how well the other two are doing in life, and he is going to be mad that no one handed him that. That will open a whole new can of worms.


This was waving a little flag in the back of my mind as well. So far, the poor young man has been pretty passive in his rebellion. Annie, if you ever see anything that looks like violence is possible, you'll want to take steps to protect the younger children. He could (irrationally) see them as "having it all" while he's had break up and heartache, and he could take his anguish out on them. I doubt this would happen from what you described, but it could be fueled by a drug-induced lack of inhibition one day. Keep your anntenae up.



annie70 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (6/27/2008 9:03:03 PM)

Thank you all for your prayers. Just an update. After a good deal of discussion, my husband (who is a Christian, BTW), myself and my ss all agreed that it would be best if he could stay with his mom. It was not an easy decision, but one we felt was best for everyone.

First off, the ex-wife has not returned any of our phone calls. She finally started to e-mail yesterday.

She said just a few months ago he could probably come there but is now coming up with really lame excuses for not being able to take him. This is not really a surprise since she all but ignored him since he was born, but we really thought that since she has tried to keep in contact somewhat over the last year and said he probably could come to stay...

Anyway, her first excuse was that her elderly mother-in-law is living with them and she is just a lot of work right now. Even my ss reply was, "And, this means what?" After all he is 17 and doesn't exactly need a babysitter.

He will be in school during the day and likes to play sports after school. Although she said she didn't know when she would find the time to "find him a school." She really has 6+ weeks to sign him up for the public school just like we would do.

She went on to be really mean and told my husband she didn't expect him to understand her situation, but it's really nonsense. She's truly done whatever she has wanted--even moving out of state without telling us--without ever considering how it affects her son or us, so it is kind of ironic that she wants us to sympathize with her now. Not that I'm being unkind...I'm just thinking this is a poor excuse for not wanting her son to come and stay with her.

Her next excuse was Child Support, which my husband said was the easy part. She would keep what she already pays us and we would match it. No brainer. SHe said without that she could not afford to do it.

As of now we have heard nothing else from her.

The home where my ss is now is not the greatest. It is not the place I wanted him to go, but I did not get a vote. Tee family used to go to our church, but they were not very Christ-like, and have completely stopped going to church all together. Their teenager has been repeatedly in trouble with the law for drugs, DUI, etc, and just this week the mother got drunk and told my son to pack his bags and get out. I'm so upset. I want him out of there now.

I want to call another family I know who can go get him until we can put him on a plane next weekend, but my husband says it's okay now and things are "quiet". AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGG! It is so frustrating to want to do right by this child and to take care of him but not be able to.

So, I have no idea what will happen. I do appreciate your prayers for this boy and our family.

Thanks.



buckifn -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (6/27/2008 10:08:54 PM)

I am really praying for this young man. Every time a child is displaced it brings more damage. I am so sorry to hear he was sent to a home where there was already troubles with another son. That has got to be devastating to this young man to have to be displaced again.

I pray others will join in praying God sends a caring adult into this young man's life who will mentor him and love him to Christ. It kills me to realize the trauma he is going through so young and so often.

What disturbs me so much also is you said your husband said everything is ok now because the situation is quiet. Surely he does not believe his son is ok?



evryknee -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (6/28/2008 9:19:33 AM)

If it does come back around where your home is an option again, stating the terms of this being his family and as a family, he will have responsibilities. He has been abandoned & rejected by his mom and probably feels that way from dad & you (w/o realizing that he plays a huge part in this). He has not been abandoned by you, though, but unmanagable. Any dicussions with him being home should probably include the "we want you here", "You are my son", "We love you," etc. and if you act in these ways and don't behave, you are choosing not to live with us. These terms show that him that it is not you rejecting him, but he is rejecting the rules.

BTW - When does he turn 18? Is this his Sr. Year in HS?



josie423 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (6/28/2008 10:23:33 AM)

As a sibling to a brother just like your stepson (probably worse), it is best for your family if he is with his mother.

I don't understand why your husband is being the way he is with his son, but I hope he realizes his error and repents!

I will be praying for you, your family, and your stepson.



harpluver -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (6/28/2008 7:15:36 PM)

Hello annie.
You asked for sound advice. I believe I have some to offer for what its worth. I have not been in your shoes, so I do not fully know how you are feeling. But I have been in your steps sons shoes, so I am assuming I can more accuratley understand and relay how he must be feeling. In fact I'm fairly certain of it.
Your step son sounds as though he is hurting extremely, and has been for a long while. If you have never had the pain of experiencing parents or a parent that does not love you (by love I mean biblical love) then you have no idea what he is going through.
I realize that it is not entirely up to you, to fix this boy, by any means. But I can't adress his father, so I'll only adress to you what I honestly know this boy needs. He needs love. Not conditional love. Not judgment, not dissapointment. But pure, selfless, unconditional, Godly love. Whether or not most people are able to give this, is besides the point. This is what he needs.
And you are right, it is certainly not the end of the world, that he peirced his ear. And to be completely honest, I think it did more harm for you to ask him to take it out around you all. It may have made him feel all the more excluded, judged, and "less than" the rest of the family.
Please do not think I'm trying to be harsh with you. I realize you probably have no idea what goes on in the boys head. It sounds like a difficult situation for you. But that is life plain and simple. You seem to notice whether others (like the family he stays with) are being Godly or not. Well please look at yourself. And I mean true Godliness.
Honestly I'd much rather be, or be associated with people who drink or smoke, yet are humble and loving. Then people who have a sence of Godliness, that is warped by their desire to look Godly.
Well this is just my opinion. But I would not send the boy away. Instead I'd welcome him with open arms, and turn the other cheek at his negitivity, and show him so much love and respect that he would have no other choice then to respect you back. He needs to know that he is loved despite himself. He needs to know that his family "has his back". Is that not what the Lord does for us? We certainly don't deserve it by any means.



josie423 -> RE: Step-Son Living With Us (6/28/2008 9:58:07 PM)

Yes, I am sure he is hurting very much inside. He probably hates the way he acts, but feels helpless to change. He most definitely needs love, but younger children must be thought of too. I've been there. Having my brother in our house was hurting everyone and allowing so many evil influences in. No amount of "open arms" or "turning the cheek" made things better. My brother simply took advantage of that and got away with even more and became angrier and more hateful.

Annie, your stepson needs to make the decision to change, and your family must be protected in the meantime.

(BTW - my older brother, now 22, is doing much better although he still isn't living for Christ the way he should.)



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