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humbleinspirit -> Former Relationships (5/24/2008 8:36:07 PM)

I saw this from RichP's thread and noticed some of the comments about it:

- if you and I have a relationship, and somewhere along the way your ex-girlfriend is mentioned, NEVER badmouth her. It does not matter that she may have been evil, cunning, devious, or the most despicable person who ever walked this side of the Equator. Because that may mean that if you and I ultimately go our separate ways, that you will speak in a similarly negative manner about US.

Now my question is do you offer the same courtesy about us men too? I noticed that a "real lot" of former relationships that women tend to be bitter and bad mouthing their former man. I was just wondering what your thoughts are on this at all?



BugLady -> RE: Former Relationships (5/24/2008 9:46:04 PM)

I think it depends upon how you approach the subject and your purpose of discussing it. Badmouthing for the sake of badmouthing is in bad form. But if you need to explain a negataive experience you had with someone to facilitate better understanding of your reactions to things and your tender spots, then it isn't necessarily badmouthing, it's educational.



car2ner -> RE: Former Relationships (5/25/2008 9:11:25 AM)

I avoid it as much as possible. I only bring up the "bad history" if it is needed as an explaination. Frankly, I don't even want to remember the bad times never mind saddle someone else with the information. There is no good reason to bad mouth(gossip about) the ex. It doesn't improve my life and it does nothing to improve his and I do hope his life is going well.



Szaftoo -> RE: Former Relationships (5/25/2008 9:28:54 AM)

I would never badmouth an ex, I'm the one who picked them.



landabee -> RE: Former Relationships (5/25/2008 6:41:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo

I would never badmouth an ex, I'm the one who picked them.


Good point.

I'd just echo what every one else has: leave the past in the past. Bitterness only hurts you. Forgive and move on.

You can choose to be bitter, or choose to be better. [;)][:D][:)]



Prairiehiker -> RE: Former Relationships (5/25/2008 7:02:43 PM)

I think if you talk about the good aspect of the relationship, then talk about the bad aspect, plus admit how you contribute to the bad stuff, then, it wouldn't sound like you're bad mouthing the person. It would come across that the relationship didn't work because of incompatibility.

I am totally turned off when a man starts bad mouthing an ex girlfriend.



BugLady -> RE: Former Relationships (5/25/2008 7:49:58 PM)

quote:

I only bring up the "bad history" if it is needed as an explaination.


Same here. I recently had to explain a reaction I had to something someone said, and it involved explaining a bit of bad history. My reaction was entirely my responsibility but explaining helped them understand what happened.



trinigirl722 -> RE: Former Relationships (5/26/2008 12:21:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit

Now my question is do you offer the same courtesy about us men too? I noticed that a "real lot" of former relationships that women tend to be bitter and bad mouthing their former man. I was just wondering what your thoughts are on this at all?


I certainly try to extend the same courtesy. I think this principle applies to all relationships -- both romantic and platonic. If someone is eager to relive past relationship injuries, to me that says that person is still "stuck" in the past and needs to get rid of bitterness. I confess I have been guilty of badmouthing an old boyfriend to a new boyfriend in the past. However, I really regretted it later because I realized how immature it was. And the Holy Spirit convicted me about doing that to boot!



fluffmonkey -> RE: Former Relationships (5/26/2008 10:58:40 AM)

quote:


But if you need to explain a negataive experience you had with someone to facilitate better understanding of your reactions to things and your tender spots, then it isn't necessarily badmouthing, it's educational.

quote:

I avoid it as much as possible. I only bring up the "bad history" if it is needed as an explaination. Frankly, I don't even want to remember the bad times never mind saddle someone else with the information. There is no good reason to bad mouth(gossip about) the ex. It doesn't improve my life and it does nothing to improve his and I do hope his life is going well.


Agree, I dont really talk about ex's unless some one brings something up and even then I try not to give many details because its in past.



trinigirl722 -> RE: Former Relationships (5/26/2008 11:40:57 AM)

Yes, there's a way to just briefly state what happened without embellishing or villainizing the other person.



BugLady -> RE: Former Relationships (5/26/2008 7:34:41 PM)

And describing a bad thing that happened need not include identifying anyone involved.



GladForGRACE -> RE: Former Relationships (5/26/2008 10:34:42 PM)

truthfully can say that I have never badmouthed a former boyfriend. (have only had 1 )He set a very good example for me of honoring the girls that he dated. I want to do the same courtesy to him as well as anyone else I may date.



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Former Relationships (6/1/2008 7:54:59 PM)

I am married to the man I "bad-mouthed"! [:D]

Seriously!

We started going together when I was barely 14, then he broke up with me about 2 years later. We each married other people, and when my first husband died, because of life's circumstances, his family and mine often spent parts of our summers in the same place during the same weeks.

His wife asked me if I still loved him. I nearly fell to the ground, laughing, and responded, "Love him? I never loved him! First of all, I didn't know what love was, and second, I was too young to love anyone but myself!" She seemed satisfied with my answer, but as time went on, I shortly decided I didn't even LIKE him!

Ten years after my husband died, his wife died. This time, it was my daughter asking me. I responded, "No, he's too much of a cowboy for me."

I soon learned, however, that he was neither the "cowboy" I had made him out to be nor the despicable dregs-of-the-earth I thought he was.

We ended up married.

Did I admit to him the things I thought and said about him? Yes. I believe in full disclosure and honesty. Still do. And I demand the same from him.

In a few days, we will have been married 21 years.



trinigirl722 -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:36:36 AM)

Wow, Abiyah, that is such a sweet story!



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:40:58 AM)

It's funny -- where life takes us, Trini! You know the old adage that warns us not to say we will never do something, because that is exactly what we will end up doing? [:D]



humbleinspirit -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:42:30 AM)

Abiyah, I still remember the story that you shared several years ago in forums about your current husband when y'all were still dating. [:D]



trinigirl722 -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:43:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga

It's funny -- where life takes us, Trini! You know the old adage that warns us not to say we will never do something, because that is exactly what we will end up doing? [:D]


Yup, never say "never." Very true!



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:45:42 AM)

[:D][:D][:D] Ah! The one about our first date as adults in which he sat still, I thought his leg was the leg of the table, so I nervously rubbed it with my foot throughout the dinner? --An my payback?

You are really something, to remember that!!!

You really are something!

I knew I liked you!



humbleinspirit -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:46:47 AM)

Yes, that was the one, for some reason that stuck with me!



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 12:48:05 AM)

[:D][:D][:D]!!



Cloak -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 8:50:07 AM)

I never badmouthed my ex boyfriends simply bc they were nice folks. When I happen to mention them to anyone I talk with gladness simply bc we they were not evil at all with me. I even still love them and appreciate them, tho not in a romantic way. I still keep photos of my 2nd bf who was cute looking and was actually talking kindly and gladly about him to a classmate.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 2:12:10 PM)

Hmm...I don't bad mouth for the sake of bad mouthing, but if someone asks me why things didn't work out, I won't lie. I may not tell the whole truth, but if he was at fault (like he was this last relationship) then I don't mind admitting it.

As for my exhusband...I can't say anything positive about the man. Well...let me take that back. He was great at getting his way. Is that good? [:D]

I saw a comment from someone who said, 'how can I? I picked him.' or something like that. Hmph. Just because I had a relationship with him doesn't mean he wasn't a great person in the beginning. People change and unfortunately I married one who did. I just didn't see it until it was too late.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Former Relationships (6/2/2008 4:23:32 PM)

I have been guilty. It's hard to go through divorce and not "bad mouth" to some degree. I usually tried to say as many good things about him as bad, but confess I didn't always make it. Now that it has been over 5 years, it's easier! He is also deceased now, so there aren't "new" things happening that bring all the garbage back up either.

One other relationship I have been in since the divorce, it didn't work out, but I don't talk about it much- and never badly.

I have always believed it takes two to make a relationship work, and it takes two when it fails. Hard as it is to believe, I wasn't perfect either. [:o]



trinigirl722 -> RE: Former Relationships (6/3/2008 12:17:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga

[:D][:D][:D] Ah! The one about our first date as adults in which he sat still, I thought his leg was the leg of the table, so I nervously rubbed it with my foot throughout the dinner? --An my payback?

You are really something, to remember that!!!

You really are something!

I knew I liked you!


Oh, I think that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard![:D][:D]



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Former Relationships (6/4/2008 1:17:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trinigirl722
Oh, I think that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard![:D][:D]

YOU remembered that, TOO?!?!?!? WOW!



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