Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (Full Version)

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msashua -> Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/29/2008 12:51:16 PM)

Hello Christian brothers and sisters,

I am struggling with a couple of situations.

Some demands made by my boss (who happens to be a minister, I am a church secretary) have been a bit unreasonable in my view. He is very busy and has taken to overlooking the relaying of information to me, then seems to want to blame me for things not happening. He has overlooked messages I gave him with information he needed, then attempted to say he never received the information. I have been keeping my mouth closed and watching my tongue as directed by the Bible, but am finding it harder and harder to do so.

Another situation in my own church is truly bothering me. I have gotten involved in a comittee to form another usher board in our church. I am not the head of the committee and have relied on the committee head to provide me with details regarding the new usher board which is to be established to meet our pastor's desires. I was included in a meeting with the pastor and after sitting & just listening to him and the committee head, I found that the two of them were on completely diffferent pages in terms of how this new usher board is to function. They kept talking over each other and they weren't on the same page. The committee head kept talking about what he wanted the new board to be and the pastor was talking about what he wanted the new board to be. So I raised my hand and pointed out that they were not on the same page. In response, the committee head just kept talking. So I said softly, you're talking, you're not listening. In response, he snapped at me and told me my comments were not needed.

I found his tone offensive and demeaning. The fact is, my comment was neccesary because until he and the pastor are on the same page, the new usher board can not move forward. I have not addressed my feelings to him.

I am finding that I have difficulty confronting other Christians. I'm concerned that my method of confrontation may not come out in a Christian way. I seem to be able to do okay with my husband in confrontations, usually, but am finding myself shutting myself down and feeling very angry/resentful when dealing with others. I don't want to deal with people who bring out these feelings and that is not a very Christian attitude. I have been praying for the ability to forgive the offenders. But I am not sure how I should feel if I have forgiven them. Should I then be willing to put myself in a position for them to treat me unkindly again? I think the answer as a Christian is yes, I should be.

I need some guideness in this matter. Thanks!



Wild-Rose -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/29/2008 1:21:22 PM)

quote:

Should I then be willing to put myself in a position for them to treat me unkindly again? I think the answer as a Christian is yes, I should be.


No, I disagree. You should treat others with love and respect, and they should treat you with love and respect. If they don't you have the right to speak up. The more you keep your feelings inside the more you will seethe with anger and sooner or later it will spill out. It is better to speak up day by day instead of letting it build up and fester. Standing up for yourself does not mean that you have to be rude to anyone, it just means that you state your complaint and offer a solution to the other person.



Miril -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/29/2008 1:23:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose

quote:

Should I then be willing to put myself in a position for them to treat me unkindly again? I think the answer as a Christian is yes, I should be.


No, I disagree. You should treat others with love and respect, and they should treat you with love and respect. If they don't you have the right to speak up. The more you keep your feelings inside the more you will seethe with anger and sooner or later it will spill out. It is better to speak up day by day instead of letting it build up and fester. Standing up for yourself does not mean that you have to be rude to anyone, it just means that you state your complaint and offer a solution to the other person.


Ditto.
...and especially in a work environment.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/29/2008 5:11:33 PM)

We are to treat each other with respect.

I also think with being the church secretary you have more than enough
responsibility at the church you belong/attend. I'd politely resign from
the usher board.

Being in a office type situation it maybe necessary to have a chat with the minister
about the note situation and find out how you can improve the relaying of messages
that work for him.



pbaribeault -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/29/2008 6:08:29 PM)

These seem like minor miscommunication and plus that somewhat harsh interplay at the meeting.

I think that anybody that can think their way out of a cardboard box will be able to give you some practical solutions for the office stuff. As far as the snapping, the committee head probably felt offended and demeaned by your soft-spoken interruption/rebuke, and he responded in some temper. Both comments were uncalled for, but this stuff happens. (If you want to address it with him, you might begin with an apology before expressing how you felt about his inappropriate reaction... but I wouldn't say that such a conversation is actually nessisary)

You are experiencing some strong personal feelings, and they seem to be related to these incidents, but I'd venture a guess that they simply what triggered feelings in you that are less surface-level and more a part your life than might be immediately obvious.

OK, that's pretty vague. What I'm trying to say is that we all have 'hot buttons' (not necessarily anger) that make us react strongly to everything about that topic, whether it is small, medium or large.

(So if my hot button is my general (mistaken) impression that people tend not to like me and do not value my presence or friendship, then I'm going to feel badly not only if someone actually doesn't like me and says so, but also to things like teasing comments, lack of eye contact and cancellations.)

So, I'm wondering, do you have a kind of general feeling that you are the kind of person that is often disregarded, undervalued blamed unjustly or taken advantage of? If so, is this because of how your work relationships actually work, or because of something more foundational in your background?

If it is from your background, you might work on trying to be less sensitive around the things that you know are setting you off in a disproportionate way -- not that you ignore them, but that you soothe yourself and try to see things sensibly before you accept your reaction as appropriate to the offense.

If your workmates, congregation members, and especially your boss/pastor actually do regularly treat you with contempt or disdain, it's time to find a healthier post, before a bad working relationship sours your whole spiritual life.

PS - Watching your tongue, as is commanded in the Bible, is not the same as keeping your mouth closed. You might want to do a NT study on the passages that refer to the tongue for some enlightenment.

PPS - When you have forgiven someone that you are in relationship with for a minor offense, you mostly feel every-day casual about them, although sometimes there is a spike of emotion when you first see them, or when you think directly about the incident.



delete123 -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/29/2008 8:38:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: msashua

Hello Christian brothers and sisters,

I am struggling with a couple of situations.

Some demands made by my boss (who happens to be a minister, I am a church secretary) have been a bit unreasonable in my view. He is very busy and has taken to overlooking the relaying of information to me, then seems to want to blame me for things not happening. He has overlooked messages I gave him with information he needed, then attempted to say he never received the information. I have been keeping my mouth closed and watching my tongue as directed by the Bible, but am finding it harder and harder to do so.
I would get a piece of carbon and duplicate the messages you give to him with the date and time. Can't be refuted

Another situation in my own church is truly bothering me. I have gotten involved in a comittee to form another usher board in our church. I am not the head of the committee and have relied on the committee head to provide me with details regarding the new usher board which is to be established to meet our pastor's desires. I was included in a meeting with the pastor and after sitting & just listening to him and the committee head, I found that the two of them were on completely diffferent pages in terms of how this new usher board is to function. They kept talking over each other and they weren't on the same page. The committee head kept talking about what he wanted the new board to be and the pastor was talking about what he wanted the new board to be. So I raised my hand and pointed out that they were not on the same page. In response, the committee head just kept talking. So I said softly, you're talking, you're not listening. In response, he snapped at me and told me my comments were not needed.
Some times a peacemaker needs to make war to find peace, as state by Charles Stanley.
I found his tone offensive and demeaning. The fact is, my comment was neccesary because until he and the pastor are on the same page, the new usher board can not move forward. I have not addressed my feelings to him.
In no way, shape or form are you to be disrespected. I would not tolerate it

I am finding that I have difficulty confronting other Christians. I'm concerned that my method of confrontation may not come out in a Christian way. I seem to be able to do okay with my husband in confrontations, usually, but am finding myself shutting myself down and feeling very angry/resentful when dealing with others. I don't want to deal with people who bring out these feelings and that is not a very Christian attitude. I have been praying for the ability to forgive the offenders. But I am not sure how I should feel if I have forgiven them. Should I then be willing to put myself in a position for them to treat me unkindly again? I think the answer as a Christian is yes, I should be.
You should be a God pleaser and not a man(people) pleaser.Pleasing people get you no where, except to be someone else's doormat. Jesus also stood up for righteousness and because of that we live.

I need some guideness in this matter. Thanks!

See my answers above: Plus:
Imagine, what if Jesus cowtowed to the pharisees,scribes, and sadducees, because they were not happy and decided to do what they believed was right? Where would You (me or anyone) be today?
He did not raise you up to please or appease them. (See Isaiah chapter 11.)
CRH



LivingParadox -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/31/2008 1:52:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose

quote:

Should I then be willing to put myself in a position for them to treat me unkindly again? I think the answer as a Christian is yes, I should be.


No, I disagree. You should treat others with love and respect, and they should treat you with love and respect. If they don't you have the right to speak up. The more you keep your feelings inside the more you will seethe with anger and sooner or later it will spill out. It is better to speak up day by day instead of letting it build up and fester. Standing up for yourself does not mean that you have to be rude to anyone, it just means that you state your complaint and offer a solution to the other person.



What if you did this and nothing happen, with the exception of the abuse continued...except a little more underground.
We ARE called to treat each other with love and respect, unfortunately some don't play be the same rules. We still play by this rule but it's not always a matter of "showing" someone the error of their way because they know the error and just don't care.



Miril -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (5/31/2008 6:06:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose

quote:

Should I then be willing to put myself in a position for them to treat me unkindly again? I think the answer as a Christian is yes, I should be.


No, I disagree. You should treat others with love and respect, and they should treat you with love and respect. If they don't you have the right to speak up. The more you keep your feelings inside the more you will seethe with anger and sooner or later it will spill out. It is better to speak up day by day instead of letting it build up and fester. Standing up for yourself does not mean that you have to be rude to anyone, it just means that you state your complaint and offer a solution to the other person.



What if you did this and nothing happen, with the exception of the abuse continued...except a little more underground.
We ARE called to treat each other with love and respect, unfortunately some don't play be the same rules. We still play by this rule but it's not always a matter of "showing" someone the error of their way because they know the error and just don't care.



That is where I exit the relationship, be it professional or any type of personal relationship.

I wouldn't advise anyone to stay in a bad situation for too long. You try to make it better, if the other person doesn't want to cooperate there is nothing you can do but end the relationship. In this case begin looking for another job.



buckifn -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (6/3/2008 8:44:09 PM)

quote:

He is very busy and has taken to overlooking the relaying of information to me, then seems to want to blame me for things not happening. He has overlooked messages I gave him with information he needed, then attempted to say he never received the information. I have been keeping my mouth closed and watching my tongue as directed by the Bible, but am finding it harder and harder to do so.


The easiest way I have found to handle this problem is make copies of EVERYTHING you do and keep a copy for yourself. This covers you completely when they say you didn't give it to them. On each document I also put the date and who copies were given to. Another way is to send information via email and keep a copy of all emails.



msashua -> RE: Addressing Offenses/Confrontations (6/9/2008 12:21:44 PM)

Thanks to all for the helpful advice. I appreciate the feedback. I have decided not to confront the chair of the new usher board. However, I am limiting my exposure to him. I will not attend any other meetings between him and the minister. When they figure out the direction this usher board thing is to go in, I will assist but am no longer willing to be involved in the implementation of such. Let them handle it. In terms of my personal relationship with this gentleman, I have also distanced myself. We sing in a choir together at church. I always say hello and am pleasant, but at one point, it looked like we might be developing a true friendship. I now feel that we do not have enough in common for such a friendship so I keep it friendly, but brief and that seems to be working fine for me.

I am still working on the work issues. I am a church secretary at a different church than I am a member of. My boss (the minister) is under a lot of pressure with various projects he is involved in. I do plan to talk with him about some of my concerns but I think I will table that conversation until a less stressful time.



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