RE: A couple of questions (Full Version)

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purplepixie87 -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 4:06:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: still4gvn

Dear woman: You say you are in an abusive household and think of suicide. You sound very alone and scared. It's natural to want to get help as soon as possible and marrying this man who is so nice to you seems like a good idea at first.


It's not that I'm alone, and I don't think of suicide hardly ever. The only reason I said that is because to me, I feel as if I cannot survive without him. I'm a very codependent person, and could not possibly imagine life alone. I'm not lonely in the least. And the abuse didn't start until recently (that is, start again), so I've loved him long before the abuse started. He's not always nice, lol, we have our arguments like every couple does. :) I have numerous male friends, way more male friends than female friends actually. And really, it's my friends that keep me from feeling alone. So, I'm not alone at all. I have my friends, I have my children, I have God, I have my fiance...they are all there for me. I'm only scared for my children's sake. The abuse honestly isn't that bad, it's just being slapped around. It's just the reason that we are rushed. Heck, he's already tempted to be violent towards my father because of it. He only wants to protect me, even though I told him I'm fine.

quote:

It is important that you find a safe supportive place to live FIRST. It's hard to make decisions about marriage and moving to a new country when you are alone and scared. I urge you to find a large church that can take you under their wing and give you help. I'm sure they would have fun things for your children also.


I understand this, but I only have 2 more months before I leave this place. And my fiance has already said that he won't let my father touch me when he's around, and if he has to he'll stick me and my kids in his hotel room with him and his friend until we leave.

quote:

Have you had much time to know this gentleman in person? Or is the relationship mostly on the net or phone? Perhaps he would appreciate if you waited a while and used the time to learn some Japanese. That would show respect for his family's feelings.


No, I haven't known him at all in person yet. He's far too busy to just make casual trips. He doesn't care that I'm not proficient in Japanese, I know enough to get around and that's OK with him. He knows that I'll be able to learn better when I'm there than when I'm not, and he really does not mind at all. He's talked to his mother quite a bit about me, and he's constantly trying to change her mind. But even if I spoke Japanese fluently, they still wouldn't like me because I'm an American. He's pretty good with English, and I'm really good at understanding Asian accents just in case he pronounces something wrong. He doesn't care if I show respect for his family's feelings or not, because he knows how his mother is. All he wants is for me to show her respect in person.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 8:06:03 AM)

It's very possible to meet a good Christian man being a single mum of children with different fathers. Women do it all the time. I pray God will show you one so you can see how worthy you are of having the best.

It's something I always tell my best friend, as amazing as that (nonChristian) man is, God has someone even better in store; you just hast to be willing to receive it.

He blesses you even when you think he doesn't. The women here are bright, wise, loving, and honest. They don't coddle, but are loving when they tell us what need to be said. It would behoove you to listen with an open mind and heart and realise that no one here wants to see you hurt.

Take care sweetie and I do hope you allow God to lead you in the direction you need to go. *huggles*



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 8:07:15 AM)

quote:

No, I haven't known him at all in person yet.


Yikes, yikes, yikes!! [&:]

Purplepixie, please, please, please do not move yourself and your children overseas until you have known this man *well* and *in person*. This is going to sound hard but...that would be an incredibly foolish thing to do. There are predators on the net, sweetheart, and you are a young woman and have young children, which makes you potential prey. I'm not saying your fiance is one, but it is something you *must* consider when building a relationship online.
And if he considers visiting the woman he proports to love deeply and wants to marry a "casual trip", that doesn't sound very committed to family life to me.

How can you possibly know that he is the only one to make you happy when you don't *know* him? You know what he has presented online/on the phone. That really has no bearing on what life with him day in and day out will be like. You've never *seen* him interact with his family, with others, how he treats women, how he treats children, how he works, or any of that. All you have is his word, and with not knowing him, how can you trust his word?

Please hear me. I have no problem with cross-cultural marriages. I am in one myself. But there are issues specific to those kinds of marriages (the inlaws being one) that require much more than being "in love". Secondly, moving yourself and your children to a brand new country with no foundation in the culture or language is going to be extraordinarily difficult. Ask me how I know. You may love the Japanese people and your fiance, but there *is* going to be culture shock and there *are* going to be conflicts. If his mother doesn't like you, how do you think she is going to treat your children? And how will you and they cope with being conversation pieces everywhere you go?

I think you are valuing yourself too little to think that the only man in the world who will love you is a virtual stranger in another country and requires that you take infants and small children out of their home environment to live with him. Maybe he is the one for you, but please take your time, get to know him in person, watch him interact with others, before you make such a huge step.



Kat_D -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 8:17:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplepixie87

pbaribeault---Thank you for the verse of scripture. That is how I really feel, I don't want to break my word to him or our engagement. I can understand not getting into a relationship with somebody that's not Christian if you already are, but I was not Christian until 2 1/2 weeks ago, so that really took me aback.


I know I said I was done here, but I simply cannot, in good conscience, let this pass without comment.

The Scriptures she spoke of refer to those, who like Paul, were called to ministerial service and whether or not they were to be single (the ideal for someone so called) or married. In that regard, he says if the man is betrothed he should follow through with his promise, but this in no way counters or absolves one from the Scriptural command (II Corinthians 12:14-17) that we not be yoked together with unbelievers.

God does not contradict Himself. He says what He means and He means what He says.

I am praying that somehow, someway you would see past your own desires and look to what God wants for you. Again, He loves you and if you will put Him first and give Him the opportunity, He will provide for all your needs and give you joy, hope, peace and blessings beyond your wildest dreams.

11 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold From those who walk uprightly. " - Psalms 84



buckifn -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 8:28:48 AM)

I'm just curious have you all read her thread in the parenting section and the situation with her children?

If you think you have struggles with your children now, I don't think you even want to imagine the havoc it would bring into their lives moving them into another country to live with a man you do not even know.

PLEASE listen to the posters here, pray and ask God to help you stand on the Scriptures given to you and do not move your children.



pbaribeault -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 8:33:35 AM)

I'm not seeing any indication that the scripture in question refers to anyone particularly called -- neither in wording nor implication. The surrounding passages refer to average married Christians and average Christian widows. It's clear to me that the passage on engagement refers to average already-engaged Christian men.

(There is a lot of ministry talk because every Christian is called to ministry.)

The Biblical instruction is not to become unequally yoked. There is also the instruction to remain faithful if one is already 'yoked' with a non-Christian.

The distinction is a "gray area" as to whether an engaged person is yoked already (obligated by the betrothal, emotionally entangled) and should proceed, or capable of dis-engaging with peace. Paul has only the best and most godly advice (not to go through with it) no restriction or command for this situation.



still4gvn -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 11:46:40 AM)

My understanding is that in Jesus day, betrothal was pretty much an arranged marriage which was consummated when the couple was old enough. In our culture, engagement is much different. It is often broken and has a different meaning and purpose.



purplepixie87 -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 11:58:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

quote:

No, I haven't known him at all in person yet.


Yikes, yikes, yikes!! [&:]

Purplepixie, please, please, please do not move yourself and your children overseas until you have known this man *well* and *in person*. This is going to sound hard but...that would be an incredibly foolish thing to do. There are predators on the net, sweetheart, and you are a young woman and have young children, which makes you potential prey. I'm not saying your fiance is one, but it is something you *must* consider when building a relationship online.
And if he considers visiting the woman he proports to love deeply and wants to marry a "casual trip", that doesn't sound very committed to family life to me.


It's not a matter of him considering it a casual trip, he does not. He is far too busy with his job to just make a trip without there being a reason, he'd wind up being jobless then. He can come this summer because he has a decent vacation, and he's going to be here quite a while (almost 2 months) before we leave. Honestly there isn't any way for him to be here often and in person. For 2 reasons: 1) He's simply too busy most of the time with his job, 2) Way too expensive. I know you are worried, but know this, I have tons of friends over there that are also friends of his, and they would never let him hurt me, regardless of also having a friendship with him. Honestly, I do not see any cause not to trust him. I have friends that will attest to the fact that he treats women and children wonderfully. He hasn't had many relationships because of the women he chose to be with, but he's a good person none-the-less. And he acts much the same in person that he does online, from what I've heard. MANY people have successful IRL relationships after having long distance ones, some of them never have met the person they are moving in with.

quote:

How can you possibly know that he is the only one to make you happy when you don't *know* him? You know what he has presented online/on the phone. That really has no bearing on what life with him day in and day out will be like. You've never *seen* him interact with his family, with others, how he treats women, how he treats children, how he works, or any of that. All you have is his word, and with not knowing him, how can you trust his word?


Why is it that everybody freaks out just because somebody is marrying in a LDR? I mean really, that doesn't make any sense. You can be with somebody in real life and have them pretend to be things they aren't, pretend to be good people and they really aren't. Life is nothing but risks and dangers. I have had that happen to me before. Had somebody say they cared about me, but when I started to get close they'd start treating me badly. Over the past 3 years that I've known my fiance, we've only gotten closer, but he has never changed the way he treated me or anything. So I don't think he's going to start treating me badly now. And as I already said, I know many people that also know him and will attest to the fact that he will treat me just as wonderfully in person. With kids? It would be constant baby talk and playing when he's home lol, he's a huge dork and a playful one at that.

quote:

Please hear me. I have no problem with cross-cultural marriages. I am in one myself. But there are issues specific to those kinds of marriages (the inlaws being one) that require much more than being "in love". Secondly, moving yourself and your children to a brand new country with no foundation in the culture or language is going to be extraordinarily difficult. Ask me how I know. You may love the Japanese people and your fiance, but there *is* going to be culture shock and there *are* going to be conflicts. If his mother doesn't like you, how do you think she is going to treat your children? And how will you and they cope with being conversation pieces everywhere you go?


Yes I know about the difficulties, and they don't bother me. I know plenty about the culture, which I've been trying to incorporate into the kids. But even if they don't understand it at first that would be OK. They have JSL classes at almost all schools for children that don't speak Japanese, I don't believe it will be any more difficult than a hispanic family moving to the US. His mother won't be any trouble with the children, she loves kids. I honestly don't care about being a conversation piece. The kids, on the other hand, well you'll get teased at every point in life. No matter where they go to school they will be teased--even here in the US. Honestly though, I think you're taking this way out of context. In Tokyo it's not a big thing to see white people walking around. They are used to it because Tokyo has decent sized international residency. Most people don't even think about seeing a white woman. Although a lot of the women may stare at you, they are almost always good stares...

quote:

I think you are valuing yourself too little to think that the only man in the world who will love you is a virtual stranger in another country and requires that you take infants and small children out of their home environment to live with him. Maybe he is the one for you, but please take your time, get to know him in person, watch him interact with others, before you make such a huge step.


Self-value? I have more than that than most people I know. I don't know how many times I have to say this: You cannot control who you fall in love with. And I do NOT want any of the guys around here, I've had more than enough experience with them and I'll pass. Every relationship until this one has been horrible, and I've been left to feel worthless. For once I feel like I'm worth something to somebody, and I'm not giving it up. I trust him with my life. Even if things do go wrong with us, he wouldn't divorce me until we've been married long enough for me to get permanent residency there so that I can still remain there around the people that actually care about me. As far as I'm concerned, my blood relatives *are not* my family. They do nothing but treat me horribly. They aren't my family, as far as I'm concerned. And the further I get away from them the better. I don't want to even remain in this country, I highly dislike this country and never have liked it. My friends over there are more like family. We're always saying that our large group of friends is like a large dysfunctional family. And really? It is a large dysfunctional family, we are all so close to each other we might as well be related.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 1:06:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: purplepixie87

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

Purplepixie,
Dear Heart, I just caught up on this thread. I'm treading lightly into this conversation and hope my words give life.

Ask yourself one very important question:

Will you be okay if your fiance' never chooses to be a Christian?

Don't answer too quickly. Really think about it. You have a new life in Christ, and you are so worthy of a Christian man to love you and your children. I was so sorry to hear that the Fathers of your children are not in the picture. I hear a lot of fear in your post........ BUT I also hear a lot of love for your fiance' so I'm not here to tell you that you are right or wrong in marrying this man. Above all, please do not go into a marriage wanting to change the man you are marrying. This is thinking which is usually detrimental to a marriage.


I would be okay if he never chooses to be Christian, even though I would like for him to, I'd still be fine with him choosing not to be. I don't really want to change him, I just want to help him with religious choices is all. If he doesn't ever make the choice, then I understand and that is fine.


Thank you for your honesty, Purplepixie.

I have been married for 22 years and have 3 children. My husband and I are both Christians, but I leapt out in a full run with my spiritual walk a few years ago and it was very difficult and sad sometimes when I couldn't share my growth in Christ with him. I could "tell" him but he didn't truly "get" it because he wasn't praying and seeking a close relationship with Christ too. I felt very sad and lonely at times to not be able to really connect with him in that area of my life which was so important to me. I'm new to this forum, but I can see that there are so many here on this thread who genuinely care about you. I hope you will continue to walk with us here and share when your fiance' comes to the US. I'm glad to hear that he will be staying in the US for a couple of months. That is very wise of you two. That way you really will have a chance to be with each other in person and see your fiance' interact with your children.



buckifn -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 1:16:14 PM)

quote:

Why is it that everybody freaks out just because somebody is marrying in a LDR? I mean really, that doesn't make any sense.


This is not a RELATIONSHIP. It is a man you have not even met yet. You are going on hearsay from people in another country. Have you even met any of these people you are calling "friends" from overseas?

Have you even done any criminal background checks before allowing this man or any other in a close environment with your children?

You seem to be taking a lot of risks on a man you have never met. Is anyone over-reacting? If so, it may be because they see the situation a lot clearer than you do because you are too entangled.

I think you would benefit far more from personal counseling than from forming an attachment to a man you have not yet met.

You think 2 months is long enough to get to know a person well enough to know if they are suitable for marriage and esp. for a relationship with your three small children and that is scary.

It suggests you need help making healthy boundaries for yourself and for your kids. From what you said your own family has not been supportive of you in the past so doesn't that help you see how important it is for you to stand up for the well being of your children?

Leaving this country and moving to another will not alleviate your struggles it will just bring new ones.



purplepixie87 -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 1:53:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

quote:

Why is it that everybody freaks out just because somebody is marrying in a LDR? I mean really, that doesn't make any sense.


This is not a RELATIONSHIP. It is a man you have not even met yet. You are going on hearsay from people in another country. Have you even met any of these people you are calling "friends" from overseas?

Have you even done any criminal background checks before allowing this man or any other in a close environment with your children?

You seem to be taking a lot of risks on a man you have never met. Is anyone over-reacting? If so, it may be because they see the situation a lot clearer than you do because you are too entangled.

I think you would benefit far more from personal counseling than from forming an attachment to a man you have not yet met.

You think 2 months is long enough to get to know a person well enough to know if they are suitable for marriage and esp. for a relationship with your three small children and that is scary.

It suggests you need help making healthy boundaries for yourself and for your kids. From what you said your own family has not been supportive of you in the past so doesn't that help you see how important it is for you to stand up for the well being of your children?

Leaving this country and moving to another will not alleviate your struggles it will just bring new ones.


I'm sorry, but you are not me. You don't know anything about me. I do not need personal counseling, and refuse to seek it. I'm not good with people in real life, I'm a shy person, and counseling would take years for me to even open up and talk to people. There's no reason for me to get counseling.

I AM standing up for the well being for my children. Leaving this country is MY ONLY option. I will never be happy in this country, or with anybody from this country. I have had way too many bad experiences in this country, and all it is to me is just a big place of bad memories. Why would I want to live somewhere that's full of bad memories? If I was to stay in this country my family could find me as well, and come and try to bother me. I don't want any contact with my family, none at all. Leaving a country I HATE will alleviate my struggles because it would pull me out of my constant depression, and pull me out of a stressful place. That's what he has done, he has pulled me out of the majority of my depression, and he lets me rant at him all I want if I'm stressed out or upset.

Criminal background checks? Ha. I think they are stupid. Just because somebody did something bad does not mean that they will do it again. And a good portion of time people are imprisoned that never even did anything, actually a good portion of the people on death row are completely innocent. But, I bet you didn't know that did you?

Why don't you stop being so close-minded and let somebody have happiness for once? So what if I'm making bad choices. The only way to learn in life is to make mistakes. I'd much rather make a bad choice and suffer the consequences than lock myself up tight and never make any choices at all and live in fear. But, that is what you are suggesting. Is that I live in fear and not make any choices before jumping through a thousand hoops. I am trying to make a better life for my children than I ever had, I am trying to give them a father. Somebody that I know, whether you think I know him or not that's your own problem, it's not mine. I am not gullible like many other young people. I can see right through lies, and I do it all the time. I am a very good judge of character, and believe it or not you can actually tell if somebody is faking it or not online very easily. You just have to know what to look for, and I know what to look for. I know what I'm doing. So go berate somebody else about their choices. That's all I ever get is berated for my choices. A close friend of mine that lives in my town doesn't think I'm making a bad choice, so who are you to know whether I am or not, you don't know me. She knows me fairly well, and she knows that I know what I am doing.

And believe it or not, I know how to defend myself if I have to. My entire life has been nothing but struggle after struggle, mountain after mountain, fight after fight. I've fought for my survival, I've came out on the other end, now just for once can't you let me have happiness? Even if things go wrong, at least I had happiness for a moment. That's all I want. Why is that so wrong? God wants His children to be happy.



purplepixie87 -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 2:01:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

Thank you for your honesty, Purplepixie.

I have been married for 22 years and have 3 children. My husband and I are both Christians, but I leapt out in a full run with my spiritual walk a few years ago and it was very difficult and sad sometimes when I couldn't share my growth in Christ with him. I could "tell" him but he didn't truly "get" it because he wasn't praying and seeking a close relationship with Christ too. I felt very sad and lonely at times to not be able to really connect with him in that area of my life which was so important to me. I'm new to this forum, but I can see that there are so many here on this thread who genuinely care about you. I hope you will continue to walk with us here and share when your fiance' comes to the US. I'm glad to hear that he will be staying in the US for a couple of months. That is very wise of you two. That way you really will have a chance to be with each other in person and see your fiance' interact with your children.


Thank you for sharing your story, and I am sorry that you went through a period of struggle with your husband, no matter how brief.

I will continue, and I will share when he does come here. He is coming for many reasons. 1) So I can get comfortable around him in person and see if I still want to be with him or not, and he's actually said that even after I move with him if I decide I don't want to be with him that's fine with him and I can just move back home and we'll still be friends. 2) So he can meet my family so that they can decide if they like him or not. and 3) because he doesn't feel it's right to leave me alone on a plane with 3 children. He does truly care about me and my safety and comfort, I just don't see why others can't see that.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 2:54:41 PM)

Purplepixie--I am glad you are going to meet him in person first. I hope and pray that you will have your eyes *wide* open while he's here. I think it would be wise to find some people who you really, truly trust as wise, discerning people who love you and want your best interests, and have them meet this man as well, and be willing to hear if they have objections.

quote:

Why is it that everybody freaks out just because somebody is marrying in a LDR? I mean really, that doesn't make any sense. You can be with somebody in real life and have them pretend to be things they aren't, pretend to be good people and they really aren't.


I am not freaking about the LDR. I met my husband in his country, and we had a two-year long courtship consisting of letters, phone calls, and one visit. But before he proposed, I had a chance to get to know him a little. *If* you are willing to look for red flags, you can see them when you are with someone in person. You simply cannot do that over the 'net or the phone.

quote:

Life is nothing but risks and dangers.


I wouldn't have so much of a problem with this if you were by yourself. But you have three babies. If you make a mistake, you damage them, possibly for life, depending on how bad the mistake was. And even if he's a good guy, you don't seem to have any idea what they are going to go through with an international move. If you think they're tough to handle know, please understand that uprooting them like this is going to be very, very rough on them. I hope for their sakes that this man is as loving and wonderful as you believe.
You are a mother now. Your life choice have to be based on more than your feelings and desires. You have to make decisions that are good for your children, even if that means you have to sacrifice your own wants.

Please understand that I am not trying to put you down. What I said about self-value was based on your own words (your statement that no good Christian man would want you), and your seeming idea that you can't be happy if you don't have a man *now*. I believe in marriage! I think it's a great thing, and a wonderful thing. But there are times when it is unwise. That doesn't mean that 2 years from now it would be unwise.
This is purely my opinion, but it is out of concern for you. There are so many things in your situation that make me feel almost panicky for you...your problems with your children, your children's ages, the fact that you are now in an abusive environment looking to get out, the fact that your "man picker" has failed several times (you say the children's fathers are absent), and so on, you being a new Christian and him being a non-Christian, him being a stranger, his mother not liking you, and so on. At the very least that should be enough for you to take your foot off the gas pedal a little bit, and slow waaaaayyy down on this.



delete123 -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 3:12:04 PM)

quote:


It's not that I'm alone, and I don't think of suicide hardly ever. The only reason I said that is because to me, I feel as if I cannot survive without him. I'm a very codependent person, and could not possibly imagine life alone. I'm not lonely in the least. And the ***abuse
until recently (that is, start again), so I've loved him long before the ***abuse started. ***********
He's not always nice, lol, we have our arguments like every couple does. :) I have numerous male friends, way more male friends than female friends actually. And really, it's my friends that keep me from feeling alone. So, I'm not alone at all. I have my friends, I have my children, I have God, I have my fiance...they are all there for me. I'm only scared for my children's sake.
*****The abuse honestly isn't that bad, it's just being slapped around.
It's just the reason that we are rushed. Heck,
he's already tempted to be violent ******towards my father because of it. He only wants to protect me, even though I told him I'm fine.
quote:




I've been unsettled all day after reading your last post...This speaks volumes to me. I am not going to get into whether he is a believer or not. The few red flags I see is:
#1 you are still in survival mode and not resting in our Lord.

#2 You are running from your problem instead of resolving and healing from the physical child abuse and now to the assault being imposed on you. Yes it is assault when it is two adults.

#3 you need to heal from your hurts because eventually they will catch up to you and it can be devistating (BTDT).

#4 I find it interesting that this man you are in "love" with was provoked to anger and wanted to become violent towards another. It is not his place and violence with violence is a no win situation.

My concern is that you are running clear across the country with a man that you do not really know and could only be another perpertrator, except the difference is, you won't be surrounded by friends, or even a ticket back. A perptrator is very percepted in who has been abused and will carry on where the last one took off! It's like you are wearing a scarlet letter (BTDT)

Not only that you seem to believe that one slapping another is an acceptable behavior, it is not acceptable.

Your children are awefully young to be tossed to and fro, because in an essence you are still a child yourself in an adult body. That is a scary place to be.

I beseech you to try and find another alternative until, you get active in a program that can aid you in your past traumas. Jesus says the truth will set you free.
But you need to walk towards the help, not run into what you believe is a safe environment.
Have you considered that maybe you are endangering your children.

Words via phone, internet, etc.. canbe charming and very influential, but you haven't met the reality until things are somewhat settled and trusting.

I am very concerned for you and will pray for you.

CRH



SurpassingPeace -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 3:45:58 PM)

Purplepixie, I am so glad you have salvation in Christ. It is an amazing time in your life. It can also be a very confusing time. Some people go through an almost immediate transformations but others of us took more time. You are at a time when the things of the world are what you know. The world's values and priorities are in every thing you do. However, since the moment you accepted Christ's sacrifice, the Holy Spirit as been transforming you into a new creature, a child of God. It is an incredible time to learn and grow but also a time of change and letting go. It is a time to learn submission to God's will.

Submission to God's will is what kept me running for a long time. You see, I too was a rule breaker. I was smart, sassy, and independant. I didn't need anyone to tell me what to do. But inside was I was empty and alone. There was no friendship or relationship that could make me whole. I was always missing something. What I was missing was a relationship with Christ. When I was finally humble and broken enough to acknowledge that it opened the door to heart. I was filled with God's love, mercy, and compassion.

You are right, God is a loving God. He loves you more than anything you can ever imagine. He is also holy and righteous. Therefore he cannot abide sin. When you sin you put a barrier between you and God. You cannot be in the fullest relationship with Him unless you repent. As Christ told the adultress, "Go and sin no more." Will you sin again? Oh yes, but you can work on not sinning with willful defiance of God's law.

Take time to explore your relationship with Christ. That is the most important relationship in your life. God should come before all others, including spouses and children. (Yes, I am a wife and a mother.) Get into a church and learn about God and the bible. His Word is so important to know. As time passes I think you will find that so many things you have decided is best for you will grieve the Holy Spirt. Eventually, this will grieve your heart terribly.

Remember, Romans 8:28m "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called acording to his purpose." God knows what He has planned for you and I promise you He has plans to prosper you. It may not be with this man. I too accepted my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ's sacrifice and love for me admist nonbelievers. I too was scared how they would react. I am here to tell you by the grace of God, it worked out fine. My life is my witness. I serve God by openly living for Christ each day. A couple of those nonbelievers listened and now they are brothers and sisters in Christ.

You really touched my heart. You remind me of where I was when I was saved. I am praying for you to draw close to God and rely on Him and His plan.



rcorson -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 5:10:24 PM)

Purplepixie,

Hi there and welcome to the forums! I love seeing new christians start asking questions and inquiring about the decision they made. That's awesome and it shows you have a desire to change. Don't stop asking questions!! [:)] People may come across as harsh with their answers but 9 times out of 10, it's said out of love because they don't want you going down a path they have already experienced. Try to look at their posts as big, yellow caution signs instead of criticism. I know its hard but most of the people on this board have their hearts in the right place and really want you to become all that you can be in God. I'm very glad you are here and I personally want you to stay.

I'm not here to criticize you but to share some of my thoughts. I wanted to ask about a couple of things that you said...

quote:

I would be okay if he never chooses to be Christian, even though I would like for him to, I'd still be fine with him choosing not to be. I don't really want to change him, I just want to help him with religious choices is all. If he doesn't ever make the choice, then I understand and that is fine.


Let me ask you this: Are you ok with your fiance spending eternity in hell? The reason I ask that is because if he doesn't come to know Christ, that's where he is headed. I know that may be harsh but the bible specifically says that.

You can witness to him in many different ways without saying a single word to him. When he sees you respecting him, respecting the kids, respecting his parents, it makes him feel respected. When he sees you go through a trial without a sour attitude, that will begin to make him curious as to why. That's where you can begin to share how Christ has changed your life. Read what the bible says about marriage. The new testement is fabulous for this information. Listen to what God says and then do it. Words without actions = nothing. A fantastic study that's worth the money (for the book) is called Love and Respect by Dr. Eggrichs. It has greatly improved/enhanced my marriage, all without lecturing or much talking. Think of it this way: ACTIONS speak LOUDER than words. (By the way, PLEASE don't stop praying for him, your kids, and your MIL and family--prayer is extremely powerful and soothing during happy times and trials)

Something else that was brought to mind that you said you are having a hard time giving up something things since becoming a christian? I'm sure you've already found out but being a Christian is hard but you have to look at the long term goal of Heaven. This earth is only our temporary home and our heavenly home is going to be so much better! [:D] God demands obedience and repentence when we do wrong. He'll work with us and help us with our issues that we struggle but he demands that we repent and turn away from the sin that we are in. The cool thing is that God is so forgiving but we have to do our part by avoiding the things that he tells us to avoid. He's like a earthly parent...he's not telling us to avoid things because he can, he's telling us to avoid certain things because he knows they will only cause us pain in the long term (or short term too).

Anyway, I gotta run but I hope you stick around. You can find some great advice and information.

Blessings,

Rachel



buckifn -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 10:06:53 PM)

quote:

Why would I want to live somewhere that's full of bad memories?


Moving to another place is NOT going to bring healing ...bad memories are with you no matter what country you move to. There are many good counselor's who could help you work towards healing .

I am not berating you simply saying a truth it is highly risky for you and your children for you to move them to another country to live with a man you have not even met. I do not apologize for telling you that.



BJinWA -> RE: A couple of questions (5/31/2008 11:28:45 PM)

purple pixie,

i feel for you.

but please consider this---------it is better to run TO something then to run FROM something.



agapetos -> RE: A couple of questions (6/1/2008 10:36:35 AM)

quote:

It's not that I'm alone, and I don't think of suicide hardly ever. The only reason I said that is because to me, I feel as if I cannot survive without him. I'm a very codependent person, and could not possibly imagine life alone.
You say that you've only been a Christian in a couple of weeks too, is that right?

What you need to do is get into a church and learn to depend on God. A good church will help you find a way to stop the abuse that is going on with your father ~ whether it's reporting him, leaving his house, or speaking with him (sometimes the abuser will stop, once they know they've been 'caught').

Isn't it always amazing that so many people go through horrible experiences in life and then believe that without a certain person in it, they wouldn't be able to cope. You are probably far stronger than you imagine and I suspect that you'd cope without this man in your life. I'm not saying it'd be easy, but I think you'd do it.

You are at the start of an exciting relationship with God and you need other Christians around you to teach, nourish and support you ~ and if you intend to go to Tokyo, perhaps you need to start checking churches out and find out how they are in relation to where you will be living etc.

My heart is heavy because I do not believe what you're doing is a good idea. It sounds as though you are running away from your life, and you imagine that by getting married to this man and leaving the country, your troubles will be over.

If you must go ahead with this ~ make sure you have money and passports to get you and your children out of the country if necessary ~ and ensure that you have several friends who will help if you need it ~ make sure that you have some pre-arranged signal (ie no contact, an 'innocent' question via email or on the phone etc) so they can start getting you help.



vixir -> RE: A couple of questions (6/1/2008 12:24:47 PM)

I definitely don't believe that you are putting your relationship with your fiance above God. If this were in fact true, then you wouldn't care enough to ask for advice. Unfortunately I cannot help you, for I am in a similar situation. Except for the fact that my boyfriend is an Atheist. Which truly sucks. Atheists tend to mock God and Christianity. So I can't even speak to him about God or my religion. I'm leaning more towards leaving, than to stay with a man who doubts and mocks my God. You should really pray about it. And if this isn't the man that God has for you, pray that God would give you the strength to leave the one that you love. Good luck and hang in there. Don't let others make you question your faith.



pbaribeault -> RE: A couple of questions (6/1/2008 5:54:56 PM)

quote:

make sure you have money and passports to get you and your children out of the country if necessary ~ and ensure that you have several friends who will help if you need it ~ make sure that you have some pre-arranged signal (ie no contact, an 'innocent' question via email or on the phone etc) so they can start getting you help.


This is absolutely true. Keep the passports and money in a safe deposit box at a bank under your name only.

I know you think you know what you're getting into, and I deeply hope that you are right. On the off chance that you are getting yourself into a problem, or if some stress and tension develops, you need a plan. Your kids come first, and everybody needs a 'fire escape' plan -- you might even need it for other reasons, like if your then-husband dies unexpectedly, or if some other member of his family or circle of friends turns out to be abusive.

Also, make sure that you know EVERYTHING about child custody in Japan. In some countries, your marriage might transfer authority over them to your husband, and completely remove your rights as their mom. Make sure you know your rights within marriage and how to go about getting a divorce or annulment if necessary. Make sure you understand about immigration procedures and what the requirements are, so that you can not suddenly be declared illegal. You are a smart woman who can use the internet and should not have to rely on him to answer these things for you. Make notes, print them out and bring them with you, because it might be a long time, if you ever (hopefully never!) have to use them.

Read all the "horror stories" and feel great about how you have an excellent man, and those things will never happen to you... but also wonder how smart-and-independent you would get out of that situation if you were that other woman.



jaimestarcross -> RE: A couple of questions (6/2/2008 1:19:43 AM)

If you do go off to Japan by all means have a plan of exist laid out should you need to return from that country. The cost of living in Japan is expensive - gee one movie ticket can cost close to $18.00!
Unless the rules have changed you can only stay in Japan for 3 months on a passport - so be prepared to shell out the money to leave the country if you don't get all your paperwork in order so you can stay longer... I know I had to leave Canada after 3 months (and I was married to a Canadian citizen) It took me over a year to get my residency card so I could live here in Canada (so the first year I spent a fortune traveling back and forth between the USA and Canada (I shelled out nearly 15 thousand dollars in travel expenses, medical, paperwork, legal fees and moving expenses.)

I hope you know a lot about this man who you want to take your children and go live with there... is his home big enough to accommodate you and your children? does he share his home with anyone else(many live with other family members?)

Do you have the children's father permission to take them out of the country?
Make sure all the legal matters are taken care before you leave.

Just remember this Japanese man you've been sharing all this info with knows you are a co-dependent type (you even stated in your post that the abuse is just being slapped around and you trivialize the abuse and the emotional effects that has on a person such as yourself.) You say you are concerned for your children - so be concerned that you are taking them to live with strangers - thousands of miles from what has been their home country. I fail to see how this is a better way to go since you have no idea of what you're getting into by moving to a foreign country!
It's a lot of money to spend to take you and your children to Japan... cause if this relationship don't work out in Japan - it'll be a humiliating thing to put your children through. Why not spend the money to get yourself a place to stay in another area in your own country? There's a lot of programs/resources out there for single mom's - access those resources and establish your own home in love and rooted in the knowledge of Christ.

I also know that there are good men who do marry women with children --- my friend Donna married (at 30)and she already had 2 children and was nearly 9 months pregnant(by her ex who ran off to be with someone else!) She is still married to the man who married her and got an instant family... in fact most of my friends and acquaintances already had children when they got married (they'd been teen moms.) Like you, they'd said no one would marry them either but someone did!



purplepixie87 -> RE: A couple of questions (6/2/2008 2:14:49 AM)

Jaimestarcross:
It won't take too long to get a visa before I leave, and then once we get married it will be changed to a spouse visa which lasts until you are divorced or apply for permanent residency (after 5 years of marriage).

His home is VERY large. A friend of ours gave it to him when his mother died and willed her house to him, he couldn't bear living there so he signed it over to my fiance. Including the tatami room there is 5 bedrooms, 2 living rooms, 2 bathrooms (just sink, bath, and changing room, of course), 2 toilet rooms, a lot of closets, kitchen, and foyer. It's 3 stories high. So, I'd say it's BIG.

Don't need to worry about their fathers' permissions at all. You only have to worry about that if they signed a paternity affidavit and their name is on the birth certificate, I already checked that out. :) And their name is NOT on the birth certificate, nor did they sign a paternity affidavit. They've never even been there for their individual children, nor have they seen them. They simply do not want them. My youngest, well, he was conceived through a violent rape, so I would never even have to worry about his father(s) (it was 2 men).

I'm not spending any money. My fiance is paying for the majority of the trip, with a friend's help. And really? I don't consider this *my* country, I don't love this country or even like it for that matter. Ever since I was younger I've always wanted to leave this country.

Does a man have to be a Christian to be a good man? No.



purplepixie87 -> RE: A couple of questions (6/2/2008 2:55:09 AM)

CRH--Thank you for your concerns. I've been praying about this myself, and nothing is urging me to cancel the plans.

SurpassingPeace--Thank you for all of your kind words. It's nice to know someone else was a rule-breaker as well. Did it take long before you stopped being a stubborn rule-breaker?

Thank you. I am trying my best to follow his plan, but I don't know what that is right now LOL. But, I'm sure that He'll lead the way.

rcocson--I know that, but if it comes to that, well there isn't much I can do. I'm not 100% OK with it, but it is, after all, his life, not mine.

Thanks for your advice.

buckifn--WOW. You took what I said out of context. I don't like or love ANYTHING in this country, period. Counselors? I've been to all the best in my area to help with various things, but the thing is, I don't talk to people I don't know (that is face-to-face) about my personal life. It is none of their business to know about my life. I have friends for that. I don't need some shrink psychoanalyzing me and saying things to me about myself that I know aren't true. A shrink doesn't know me, only I know myself, and only my friends know me. It would take like 10 years before we even started digging with a shrink, much less getting results.

I AM meeting him, he's coming here this month. He'll be here for two months. Almost all of his time will be spent with me and the kids. So, trust me on my judge of character, OK? I know I had 3 kids by 3 different fathers (one of which I couldn't help) out of wedlock, but I was not in a relationship with any of them, and really the only reason I was--how do I put this in a delicate way--fornicating so much was because it was my way of feeling cared about back then. You don't get my story. Yes, my dad slaps me around. But, back years ago I was beat a lot by my mom, yes she stopped, but still...she beat me a lot. Sometimes she almost killed me. When I was 13, I started fighting back, and it stopped. I didn't feel like she cared about me at all, it wasn't until I was pregnant with my eldest that I knew she really cared, because she told me. However, to this day, I do still doubt it a lot. It's not my way now, because I have friends and a fiance that make me happier than I've EVER been and they make me see that people DO care about me, and DO love me, and I don't have to fornicate to be happy.

BJinWA--I am running TO something. To the arms of the man I love, to my dreams, to my friends, a safer place for my kids, a family for my kids.

My past is just that--past. If I wanted to, I could have easily left 2 years ago.

agapetos--I don't have the time for church. I know that's not really good and all, but I do independent Bible study and I pray a LOT. I'm not kidding when I say I don't have time, I really don't. I don't get up early enough for one thing, for another even if I was to go to church I wouldn't be able to hear the sermon because our church doesn't have a permanent nursery watcher. And my kids get fussy during church. So it's pretty useless to go, when I know if I go everybody in my family would want to go, which means dragging the kids with me.

I have found a church a ten minute walk from our home---excuse me, his home.

Oh, I don't think that at all. My life will NEVER be free of troubles and struggles, apparently that's part of the package that's me.

I will definitely do that. :)

vixir--Thank you. I have been praying about it quite a bit. Good luck, and I won't let others make me do that.

pbaribeault--I have done tons of research on immigration, visas, permanent residency, even custody. He is going to adopt the kids, it's not required by law, but I asked him if he would and he said he would. That way, if I'm not around he can sign for things legally. Over there, the emphasis is put more on okaasan/mama (mother/mommy) than otousan/papa (father/daddy). I know all my rights with divorce there. It's really easy to get divorced. Just go and sign papers and it's done. Unless, of course, there will be fighting over who gets what. Most of the time the mother keeps the kids, unless there is a child that's a half-child, then the Japanese parent gets that child IF they want the child. But he would never ask for custody of my kids, he knows they mean WAY too much to me.



rgod -> RE: A couple of questions (6/2/2008 11:36:34 AM)

quote:

I don't understand what you are trying to say here. Am I supposed to die lonely? I mean really, because any respectable Christian man will not marry a woman that already has children. Most men run far away from women with children. Honestly, many many people get into mixed religion marriages, and many people are happy in them. Why can't I be happy with mine as well? It could be a long long time, or never, that he becomes Christian. As I said in my previous post, and I am going to quote that directly " After giving it some thought, I have come to the conclusion that I will pray for him, I will do Christian things in front of him and around him (because really, I pray all the time) etc. Hoping one day he will come to see God as well."

And if I told him to just postpone everything because my God says it's wrong, I know him, and I know he would take that the wrong way and he would probably never speak to me then. So then my chances of happiness are ruined. I've already said it, and I'll say it again the chance of me finding a Christian man to accept me and my 3 children are almost nothing. There is virtually NO chance of that happening. Especially not where I live. On the small chance there IS somebody that's already Christian out there, it could be 30 years before I ever meet him, and I know that I will never love him as much as I love my dear fiance. I will never love anybody as much as I love him. Forgive me for believing in destiny, and true love, but I know with him it IS destiny, it IS fated, and it IS true love.

And you know what? I have a feeling that God wants me to be with him, God wants me to marry him despite His rules. Otherwise, I would not feel as strongly, I would not be sitting here praying to Him about it as I type this post. I would not feel as if I had His blessing in this marriage. And I DO feel as if I have His blessing in this. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for me to marry somebody that is not a Christian. Didn't you think of that? It may be because He has some divine plan for me to do over there, it may be for other reasons. I honestly do not know. But I feel as if I'm supposed to do this, as if God WANTS me to do this. I have spent the most of the day and most of the night last night praying on this, asking God to help me on this, to tell me what He feels. Guess what? I never once felt wrong in this, never once had a feeling that I should not do it. That's how I know I have His blessing. Otherwise He would have let me know that He does not want me to do this.


Purplepixie - First, welcome to the family! I'm so glad to hear that you have been saved. I'm rejoicing that you are now a Christian! You are a very new Christian, so you are just beginning your relationship with God. There are many things that you are learning right now and in the coming years you will change drastically as you grow in experience with the Lord and read and study your bible. So before I address your question, my first question to you is have you found a bible-teaching church yet? This is so new for you that you might not have yet, but being in a place where you can be exposed to scripture will help you a lot. There are lots of good bible teachers online at www.oneplace.com. Charles Stanley is particularly good as is Tony Evans, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur. The teaching there is very solid and you can listen and learn while you are searching for a church.

There is nothing wrong with loving a non-Christian. But, there is something wrong with marrying one. The bible talks to us about this and God would not go against His word. Often when we become Christians, within the first year or two many of our associations change. We lose old friendships and relationships - as you start to grow you'll see what I mean. It is painful, but necessary, and God starts to replace those friends with new ones who will encourage your walk with the Lord and your growth. If you try to hold onto those old relationships, it becomes even more painful (trust me I've been there). God will just start moving people out of your life and you'll wonder what happened to them. Some people, you'll need to actually say "Good bye" to them yourself. Sometimes we keep a few old associations. I don't know if your fiancee will be one of those people. I don't know if he will be saved. You can pray for him and witness, but ultimately he has to be the one to make the choice - and he might not choose to do so. I can really feel for you because this is a tough situation.

You've gotten some good advice here and being married to someone who is an unbeliever when you are a believer is tougher than you can ever imagine. You might want to talk with people who have walked that road so that you'll know what awaits you should you decide to move forward. You need to pray about this, read the bible, and find wise counsel. I detect a lot of fear - that you are afraid that this is your last chance at happiness - your last chance at marriage. Afraid of what will happen if you tell your husband that you want to delay the marriage. My question is, are you comfortable being married to someone who can't/won't make space for you to be unsure or to make sure that you are comfortable with your decision?

Also, one of the first things that you'll learn as a Christian is that what is impossible with man is possible with God. If you end up giving up this relationship (you have to make a decision one way or the other) - God can provide another one. It isn't true that no respectable Christian man will want you because you have 3 kids. God can do anything. Even if you decide to delay the wedding until you feel that you've heard from God, know that God can work out visa issues etc. too. I've seen it happen time and again. God is in control.

Another thing that you will learn as you continue to walk - in fact that you are learning even in this situation - is the difference between being led by feeling and being led by the Spirit of God. In John 14, Jesus talked about sending the Holy Spirit to live inside of us - that the Spirit will guide us, teach us, comfort us. Although you might feel that you have God's blessing on a matter, it is important to know that feelings are unreliable when taken by themselves. So as Christians, we pray, we consider scripture, we follow peace (if you don't feel peaceful inside about a situation it is probably not God), we get wise counsel, we listen for the still small voice of God - particularly in something that is as important as marriage. Sometimes following God is a very difficult thing to do and it requires sacrifice. Sometimes it is a very sweet experience. Regardless, in the end, following God is always the best course of action.

I think that the very fact that you are asking this question and have been so tenacious in answering speaks volumes about the sincerity of your conversion experience. If you weren't serious about being a Christian, this wouldn't even be an issue for you. I pray all the very best as you move through this situation ...

rgod



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