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Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 10:35:02 AM
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jsadler
Posts: 24
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My current wife is currently upset with me because I want to spend time with and speak to my ex-wife's son that is 6 years old now (That is not mine biologically). Here is the situation: When I met my ex-wife she had a son that was 6 months old at the time; the father of the child ran off and has never been seen since. So, I have basically raised this child for about 5 years and he has never know anyone else but me as his father. My current wife loved it when we first started dating because I was able to love a child that was not mine and treat him as my own. Now she wants me to cut all ties to him because he is not my biological son. In my heart I feel torn because I do love this child and feel sorry for him because he will never know his real dad.
When asking my current wife why she tells me that my ex-wife has created a lot of heart ache and trouble since our marriage and that I do not need to help her raise her child. (I have two other children with my ex-wife as well.) I told her that I felt like she was wanting to punish the child for my ex-wifes actions and it was not the child's fault.
should I contuine my relationship with my ex-wifes son and keep upsetting my wife or cut all my ties to this child. Is my current wife's behavior normal?
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 10:43:59 AM
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buckifn
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If you are already seeing two children why is seeing the third one such an issue? Either there is a lot you are leaving out or your wife is targeting the one child .
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 10:50:44 AM
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NoShow
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So your ex-wife has a son from before and there's two more children that are yours and hers? Where are the two other? Are you seeing the 6 year old separately from seeing the other two?
Regardless of all that, personally, I have "issues" with people that take stances like your wife's, though I would say it's fairly common, from what I've seen.
As to what you should do, now that you've remarried, you need to work through this with your current wife. But I do think she's being either selfish or not very compassionate.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:08:24 AM
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jsadler
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When I pick up my other two, I have been leaving the other son behind. The only reason my wife has taken this stance is because she can not stand my ex-wife because she starts trouble and the fact that my ex is always calling me as well. which my ex wife has caused many issues in our marriage but it is not the child's fault.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:11:18 AM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1265
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From: Great Plains, Kansas
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I am in the same situation as your wife, jsadler. It sounds as though you two haven't been married very long (as you mentioned the child was 6 mos. when you met him & he's now 6 after you raised him for 5 years).
My DH has 3 kids that are not his own biological kids. I haven't had any problem with him seeing them as I don't want to keep them from him. For a time, the daughter lived with us (even though there are no blood ties).
From a wife's standpoint....perhaps she isn't sure where she stands in the picture? It sounds as though she may be insecure. I may be wrong though. For me, it has been an adjustment to become a stepmother to 3 children who have no blood relationship to my DH. In some ways, things have been made easier because the kids are older and can choose their relationships (although DH's ex still has HUGE strangleholds or belts or ties or something around the youngest child & she's working hard to secure them with the daughter that once lived with us).
Try to show your wife some extra compassion and grace. I know you would want the same if the situation were reversed. Pray that her heart will change.
Oh, there is so much more to add & I will...later....I have to get going on the day. Please know that I'll be praying for you.
God bless!!
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:12:09 AM
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jsadler
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My wife has told me,If I want to contuine the relationship with the other son than I should move back and be with my ex and her son. She has it in her mind that I am trying to hold on to my ex for some reason. My ex has caused problems and done things in the past to stir up problems but I do not think you should punish a child because of the mothers behavior. This what gets me, how can a person claim to be a Christian and be this way?
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:14:45 AM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1265
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We crossposted....
There's no reason to leave the other child behind. As you've said....he's YOUR son (even if not biologically). Does your ex-wife object to you taking all 3 of the kids for your visits or outtings? (Whatever it is that you have...I am unsure as you haven't mentioned the custodial arrangement).
My DH's ex has tried to cause problems in our marriage....mainly in the form of polluting aforementioned daughter with lies and whatever else. We've had to learn to try to decipher the truth through what daughter says (she's 17, so much older than your son).
Gotta run...
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:18:19 AM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1265
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Yeah, your wife is hurting, J.
I've thought similar thoughts and sometimes even versed them because DH wants to be closer to his kids and he can't be (mostly because of his ex though...not because of him or me). Was she stating this in an argument?
I'm just asking because those kinds of things are "inadmissible" evidence. BUT...do pray for your wife....love her...cherish her. Have you ever read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Maybe you're not speaking her "language". I know for awhile I had difficulties believing DH could love his kids (not biologically his...but from her)....without loving her. Does that make sense?
Oh, I pray it does....hugs & prayers....I'll be back later....
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:22:51 AM
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jsadler
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daughter_of_faith thank you for your insight on this topic. We have only been married for about 4 months now and I have been trying to comply to my wife's wishes and have only been talking to Gabriel on the phone. A couple a weeks ago she was listening to me speak with my children over the phone and when i got off, she blew up and said,"why are you allowing Gabriel to call you dad'? My response to her was,"I am the only person he has known as a father in his life."
I told her that she fell in love with me because i was able to raise Gabriel as my own but now it is a problem. She always makes a comment that I do not take up that much time with her own son, but he has a dad to do that with. Her son is around me more than my own children and we are always playing board games and video game every week, do not seem to understand.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:35:28 AM
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jsadler
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daughter_of_faith,
I mentioned seeing Gabriel this weekend when I picked my other two up and she get went into a rage. She has told me on occasions that she is willing to get a divorce over this.
Sometimes I feel she is all about her and her son. Reason why: She booked a vacation for us to go to Disney world next week and did not include my children. I mentioned to her that I would like to get my other sons and we could go as a family. She got upset and said, "why cant we just be a family." me and my son hasn't been on vacation together in two years and your child have already been to Disney before. I do not want to take your children because they are 1.5, 4, and 6 yrs old. Now i am going and leaving my other children behind. How much should i sacrifice for this marriage? I love my children....I have already moved out and ready to throw in the towel.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 12:55:29 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1603
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jsadler
daughter_of_faith,
I mentioned seeing Gabriel this weekend when I picked my other two up and she get went into a rage. She has told me on occasions that she is willing to get a divorce over this.
Sometimes I feel she is all about her and her son. Reason why: She booked a vacation for us to go to Disney world next week and did not include my children. I mentioned to her that I would like to get my other sons and we could go as a family. She got upset and said, "why cant we just be a family." me and my son hasn't been on vacation together in two years and your child have already been to Disney before. I do not want to take your children because they are 1.5, 4, and 6 yrs old. Now i am going and leaving my other children behind. How much should i sacrifice for this marriage? I love my children....I have already moved out and ready to throw in the towel.
Wow, all I can say is I feel so terribly sorry for Gabriel. Oh my goodness, my heart hurts for HIM. How any woman could treat ANY child like that, I will not understand............except to say that here we have the sinful flesh right out in the open for all to see it's ugly effects.......... 
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 1:36:02 PM
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Stronger2day
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I am REALLY feeling for Gabriel right now. I wonder how secure he feels when you pick up the other sons and leave him behind, especially if he has seen you as his father all of his life. I grew up with a ‘step’ father from 4-17 years of age. We saw no ‘step’ or ½ brother sister relationships- only brother, sister, mom and dad. When I was 17 and my parents divorced, my father basically broke ties with the 2 of us that were his step kids and kept relationships with the children that were his biological children (slowly convinced by his ‘new’ wife to do so). I am an adult now, and it still hurts from time to time as I am without an ‘earthly’ father.
Continue to pray that her compassion will ‘overflow’. I don’t know your wife (obviously), but there appears to be some major security issues as some have commented. Gently explain that although you are so happy to be her husband and are excited to spend a lifetime with her, you have responsibilities as a father that don’t just end because you chose to divorce and remarry. Though you feel she may not deserve it, shower her with love and kindness so her security can grow. Don’t allow the ‘enemy’ to pour resentment towards your bride into your heart! Meanwhile, seek Christian counseling and NO communication with the ex that isn’t ABSOLUTELY required for the welfare of the children!!! You may see it as innocent, but it doesn’t help the situation or your new bride’s security. Also, find ways to communicate to Gabriel how much you love him; he’s young and just won’t understand these ‘adult issues’. 
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 2:12:16 PM
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Brandy
Posts: 1834
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From: Los Angeles
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Talk about selfish. Any woman that wants you to ignore your child is not a nice woman in my book. She knew he was part and parcel and has changed her mind. Sorry lady but that's not how life works. You don't take your frustrations out on a child when they are directed at the ex-wife. petty.
He's part of the package of who you are.
Sounds like it's time to tell your wife that this is your child and you will have a relationship with him irregardless of her feelings.
I cannot imagine how a small child feels to see his two other siblings get to go see Dad and he gets left behind! That's horrible. I don't know what's worse, her demanding it or you complying.
YOU are the husband and father in this situation, stand up NOW for this child or your current wife is going to run you into the ground for the rest of your life/marriage.
Personally, in a marriage only 4 months old.. I would probably say "This is my life, this is who I am, accept it or don't that's your choice, here's the door"
_____________________________
~Brandy
<--- Isabel Grace eating on Thanksgiving. Her first food.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 2:32:43 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 200
Joined: 5/29/2008
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Am I reading this right that your youngest child is only 1 1/2 years and you've already divorced his mom and remarried another? Please understand I'm not trying to be judgmental but it seems that if you've jumped from one marriage to another is such a short amount of time. This can be extremely difficult on all the children regardless of their DNA. This also suggests to me that your new wife is not convinced that you have resolved any and all issues from your previous marriage since there has been little time inbetween.
Please know that blending a family takes time, patience and understanding and it doesn't sound as if you new wife is on board if she is starting to isolate your children from your vacation plans. If she is already saying she'll leave if you don't resolve the issues her way it doesn't sound as if she is committed to you or your marriage. Manipulation is a bad way to resolve issues in marriage. Sounds as if she is very selfish, immature or both. Sounds like you could use some marriage counseling to get on the right track. Just don't neglect your children to make your current wife happy. Either way, everyone loses and you'll grow to resent her for it too.
I wish you well.
_____________________________
Allison's World My Blog
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 2:35:51 PM
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jsadler
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quote:
Stronger2day
Stronger2day,
sorry to here about your situation. This is the one thing I do not want Gabriel to go through in life, not having a father because he has me! There are some security issues with her because her last husband cheated on her, I am always telling her that i would never do that to someone. My ex-wife is taking Gabriel to counseling and they are saying he is mourning me like I have past away this is very hard to hear sometimes.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 2:40:30 PM
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jsadler
Posts: 24
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allisonbrett,
you are totally right! I have move from one marriage to another way to fast and I am feeling the results of it right now. I have seeked counseling but she thinks she does need to go...because I am the one with all the issues. I have gone without her regardless. Maybe it will make me a better person.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 4:31:02 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1742
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
Am I reading this right that your youngest child is only 1 1/2 years and you've already divorced his mom and remarried another? Please understand I'm not trying to be judgmental but it seems that if you've jumped from one marriage to another is such a short amount of time. This can be extremely difficult on all the children regardless of their DNA. This also suggests to me that your new wife is not convinced that you have resolved any and all issues from your previous marriage since there has been little time inbetween.
Please know that blending a family takes time, patience and understanding and it doesn't sound as if you new wife is on board if she is starting to isolate your children from your vacation plans. If she is already saying she'll leave if you don't resolve the issues her way it doesn't sound as if she is committed to you or your marriage. Manipulation is a bad way to resolve issues in marriage. Sounds as if she is very selfish, immature or both. Sounds like you could use some marriage counseling to get on the right track. Just don't neglect your children to make your current wife happy. Either way, everyone loses and you'll grow to resent her for it too.
I wish you well.
I agree with this. I also agree that your wife is being extremely selfish. But maybe she has reason to be insecure. You also said...
quote:
ORIGINAL: jsadler
....I have already moved out and ready to throw in the towel.
and you repeadedly refer to her as your "current" wife. I guess I know what you mean and could understand "new" wife but "current" wife really doesn't make it sound like you're 100% in this. I don't know if you are or you're not but maybe she doesn't feel like you are!
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/30/2008 11:46:07 PM
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pickupyourmat
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Hi jsadler,
What I would like to know is this. You mentioned that your ex caused problems in your marriage. You shared that your wife told you she has caused heartache and trouble in your marriage. You don't appear to deny this. How did you handle that?
You mentioned that the ex calls you all the time? How are you handling that? What are your conversations like?
Have you really "divorced" your ex? What I mean is that, just because you've been given a legal document that says your divorce and you have remarried does not mean you have actually divorced your ex in your heart. Are you really finished with her?
Let me say that I do not agree with how your wife is handling this. She is wrong. At the same time I do believe that this has nothing to do with the children but rather has everything to do with your relationship with your ex. What do you think?
In my opinion, what Gabriel is experiencing is the fruit but not the root.
< Message edited by pickupyourmat -- 5/30/2008 11:53:55 PM >
_____________________________
"It's not my opinion but the word of God." That's the same thing Jim Jones said.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 11:54:36 AM
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evryknee
Posts: 287
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Stepfamilies are very different than traditional families. There are numerous relationships to consider. Your wife wants a traditional family. I do not think there is anything wrong with going on a vacation with she and her sons, but to schedule a vacation w/o consulting you is not a good idea. James 4 talks about fights & quarrels coming from the desires of your heart. I understand ours, but what is hers? A Traditional family? Security? ?? Check out www.successfulstepfamilies.com for some other tips and chats that specifically deal with stepfamilies and I would strongly recommend Ron Deal's book Successful Stepfamilies and his seminars.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 2:19:45 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 775
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In my humble opinion your new spouse isn't able to love non-biological children yet...she actually has revealed what her struggle is in the matter by her actions and words.
It takes maturity to love children from another relationship and there are some people with whom it takes longer to get to the point where they can actually love their new spouses "other children"... I find many have experienced such feelings and haven't dealt with the matter in a positive manner.
I also see the other things that are going on in this situation, your wife wishes you didn't have a past with another woman with whom you share children and you love the ex's child(that's not yours) --- it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say that your ability to love a non-biological child has made jealousy rear it's ugly head in her own life... not too mention this relationship progressed too fast and now the ramifications are being felt by all involved. I couldn't imagine being the the ex's child(from another relationship) and be left alone while his siblings go with the man he also calls "dad"... I can see why the ex-wife would be on the phone calling your home a lot, when her child is hurting and feeling left out etc...!
If your new wife remains unwilling to seek counseling and come to terms that it's possible for a person to love a non-biological child and work on a better way of dealing with the complications of handling/blending two families - I'm afraid your new marriage is in SERIOUS trouble... and that'd be a shame and create even more hardships on the children... I pray that you and your wife will seek help together and stop this downward spiral that'll only lead to divorce and more emotional hurts.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 9:17:19 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6954
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
Am I reading this right that your youngest child is only 1 1/2 years and you've already divorced his mom and remarried another? Please understand I'm not trying to be judgmental but it seems that if you've jumped from one marriage to another is such a short amount of time. This can be extremely difficult on all the children regardless of their DNA. This also suggests to me that your new wife is not convinced that you have resolved any and all issues from your previous marriage since there has been little time inbetween.
Please know that blending a family takes time, patience and understanding and it doesn't sound as if you new wife is on board if she is starting to isolate your children from your vacation plans. If she is already saying she'll leave if you don't resolve the issues her way it doesn't sound as if she is committed to you or your marriage. Manipulation is a bad way to resolve issues in marriage. Sounds as if she is very selfish, immature or both. Sounds like you could use some marriage counseling to get on the right track. Just don't neglect your children to make your current wife happy. Either way, everyone loses and you'll grow to resent her for it too.
I wish you well.
Those were my thoughts.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 9:37:35 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1265
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
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First off, I need to apologize as I am just now getting back to you. I've been busy with day to day life (it was our son's birthday yesterday--we went to the zoo and then today was his birthday party).
To 'defend' what jsandler has done (as far as complying with his wife's wishes about Gabriel)---I think he's trying to do whatever he can to "pave" a clearer path for his current/new marriage. To some extent, he's trying to appease her & help her feel comfortable about things. Yet--it is at a cost as Gabriel is now mourning his dad's lack of involvement.
The Bible is clear about where our priorities must lie. 1) God 2) spouse 3) children 4) etc.
It's hard to be a "family" when it involves a blending of families that were previously established....but now are broken. The best advice I can give is to pray, pray, pray. Please seek counseling (as some have suggested). Do what you can to make your wife feel loved and accepted. Sit down & have a heart to heart with her about the importance of your kids in your life...ALL of your kids. Gabriel may not be your biological child....but to you....he is YOUR child. There has to be some compromise that can be made with your wife regarding this.
Gabriel's bio father ran out, correct? So he's not even in the picture. And now this little boy (just older than my own son) is left fatherless.
I've asked my husband to read this & reply.
God bless & please know that we are praying for you.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 9:40:14 PM
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sabadog
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I can totally relate to how you feel. I am the husband of Daughter_of_Faith. My ex is a very selfish and manipulative woman. I raised the 3 kids for a little over 10 years and they all call me dad. The oldest is the only one who sometimes would talk to his bio dad. All 3 have different bio fathers so that was hard on them.
Unlike you though my ex does everything in her power to keep me from them. She even got a restraining order against me to prevent my Daughter from living with me. I had to move to another state to get away from her so my wife now knows that I do not want anything to do with my ex other than the children.
Your wife needs to know that you are committed to her. I try to let my wife know how much I love her every day. I text her to let her know as well as leave her a voice mail from time to time. These are just some ideas.
Feel free to contact me if you need any advice.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 10:19:20 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6288
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From: WA
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J, is your wife a Christian?
As far as your relationship with your stepson...I really do think the right thing to do is adopt him and treat him just like any of your other kids. I wish you had adopted him previously, as that may have saved you this trouble. I say this as a person who was raised by her stepfather and, due to a manipulative parent, was denied his presence in my life for many years. Fortunately I have him back now  and it's wonderful. I, too, never knew my biological father. Kids need dads, though, they really do, and this child needs you because as far as he is concerned, you ARE his dad.
What your wife is saying does not make sense because parenting this child will not increase your contact with your ex-wife. You already have to go get your other children and so on. Your wife is being jealous and she needs to get over herself because she is basically willing to sacrifice that child for her own selfishness. Don't give in to that--speak respectfully to her, of course, but don't let her manipulate you into doing wrong. It would only begin your relationship on the wrong foot.
Have you offered marriage counseling?
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 10:25:32 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1265
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
J, is your wife a Christian?
As far as your relationship with your stepson...I really do think the right thing to do is adopt him and treat him just like any of your other kids. I wish you had adopted him previously, as that may have saved you this trouble. I say this as a person who was raised by her stepfather and, due to a manipulative parent, was denied his presence in my life for many years. Fortunately I have him back now and it's wonderful. I, too, never knew my biological father. Kids need dads, though, they really do, and this child needs you because as far as he is concerned, you ARE his dad.
What your wife is saying does not make sense because parenting this child will not increase your contact with your ex-wife. You already have to go get your other children and so on. Your wife is being jealous and she needs to get over herself because she is basically willing to sacrifice that child for her own selfishness. Don't give in to that--speak respectfully to her, of course, but don't let her manipulate you into doing wrong. It would only begin your relationship on the wrong foot.
Have you offered marriage counseling?
Great advice, Jenny. I know my DH has this huge regret about NOT adopting his kids from his previous marriage (it's something he's bound and determined to change in our marriage). Is that even an option? Of course, I don't think that's going to change your wife's opinion. I don't know--it just might though...as it shows your commitment to your kids.
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