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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 10:26:51 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6949
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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I'll be 33 in a month and have been married and divorced and some days I still wish my dad could adopt me, lol.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 5/31/2008 10:31:36 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1152
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
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Wow...Jenny.
Unfortunately, it's too late for DH & his kids. Unless they went & changed their names, etc. His kids are 19, almost 18, and 15. (His ex is very controlling and will not even allow the youngest to talk to his dad--my DH....but that's another thread entirely.)
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 6/1/2008 10:20:03 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 618
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline
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I feel so sad for your little stepson.
You are in a difficult position. Normally I would say that the wife must come first. However, in this case there is the prior relationship with your children (all three). These children are a part of you. When current wife (cw) says exclude one or all of them, she is rejecting part of you. She was well aware that there were children involved so she has no excuse for her behavior. I also do not like it that she is wanting you to exclude your children from "family" vacations. Even if these children do not live in the house all the time they are part of the family...just as much as new wife and her child(ren).
I can understand her wanting to have time for just the two of you, but in that case ALL the children should be left with others.
I too am very curious as to what problems previous wife has cause in your marriage? Is it that the pw has actually done things to damage your relationship with cw or is cw reacting to normal interaction between two people who share children? And how long was it after the marriage that cw started complaining about ss?
The fact that cw refuses counseling because "you are the one with problems" is problematic to me. In a marriage, if ONE person has a problem that affects the marriage, the BOTH have a problem because in marriage they become one. When one party of a marriage refuses to engage in solving the problems, or when he/she agree to counseling but expects the other to make all concessions, the marriage is in trouble. Both parties must engage in the process of solving the problems, and both must be willing to give a little. If you had asked my advice prior to getting married, I would have recommended that you spend at least 2 years seeing if you could solve any problems in the first marriage for reconciliation AND resolving those issues and what led to the divorce--identifying your role in the divorce and taking steps to address them-- before considering remarriage. Unfortunately, it's beyond that, but before you have children with cw and before things go much further, you really need to consider these things.
My personal position: I dated and married a man with children from prior relationships. Although I was married to him only a short time (less than a year) seven years ago, I STILL am in contact (sporadic) with both children. I made things for both the wedding and now new baby of the daughter and will do the same for the son. Any man who cannot accept that I care for these children (regardless of how I feel about the father) is not the right person for me.
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 6/16/2008 8:39:51 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10222
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Brandy
Talk about selfish. Any woman that wants you to ignore your child is not a nice woman in my book. She knew he was part and parcel and has changed her mind. Sorry lady but that's not how life works. You don't take your frustrations out on a child when they are directed at the ex-wife. petty.
He's part of the package of who you are.
Sounds like it's time to tell your wife that this is your child and you will have a relationship with him irregardless of her feelings.
I cannot imagine how a small child feels to see his two other siblings get to go see Dad and he gets left behind! That's horrible. I don't know what's worse, her demanding it or you complying.
YOU are the husband and father in this situation, stand up NOW for this child or your current wife is going to run you into the ground for the rest of your life/marriage.
Personally, in a marriage only 4 months old.. I would probably say "This is my life, this is who I am, accept it or don't that's your choice, here's the door"
I agree completely with this and also with Jenny-Fair's posts.
Your wife is being selfish and unreasonable. You ex-wife may also be, but your responsibility to your children (ALL of them) needs to come before both of them. Hopefully in time, both women will settle down some. In the meantime, you need to stand for what is right.
I commend you for going to counseling even if you have to go alone. Keep that up, as long as the counselor is using Biblical methods and thoughts with you.
_____________________________
I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
~Psalm 57:9-10~
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 6/17/2008 9:23:09 AM
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Row1
Posts: 217
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
The Bible is clear about where our priorities must lie. 1) God 2) spouse 3) children 4) etc.
This could be taken to mean that you should accomodate your current wife. Or: your wife should accomodate you as well, including the 'baggage' that she should have known about.
this young boy is going to COUNSELING. Why? Because the big people cannot get their act together. The BOY does not have a problem. The big people have the problem. Why is the boy the one in counseling?
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 6/17/2008 10:17:28 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2778
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
The Bible is clear about where our priorities must lie. 1) God 2) spouse 3) children 4) etc.
No the Bible doesn't teach this kind of linear relationship priority. The Bible teaches that God is above all, in all, supporting all. God shouldn't be considered as an item on a list of priorities. And, in my opinion, other relationships should never be on a list of priorities. The Bible teaches balance. We must balance our relationships. God is the one who helps us and provides us with that balance. If our relationship with our spouse is harming our children then there is something out of balance. If our relationship with our children is harming our marital relationship then something is out of balance. If our work relations, friendships, community relations are harming our family relationships then something is out of balance.
We should never have to sacrifice our marriage for our children and we should never have to sacrifice our children for our marriage.
I specifically used the word "harm". Life involves pain and hurt. God himself causes us pain and hurt but He never "harms" us. A good doctor may cause us significant pain in the process of treatment. That pain is part of curing us not harming us. In this situation the decisions that you must make to not "harm" your children may "hurt" your wife. Hopefully, such "hurt" will help cure her of her jealousy and immaturity. If you give in to her jealousy and immaturity in order to avoid "hurting" her then you will "harm" your children.
2 Cor 7:8Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— 9yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Confused about my current marriage - 6/17/2008 12:24:01 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1152
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
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Matthew 22:36-39. "Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
Sounds like prioritizing to me.
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