RE: Double Standard vent... (Full Version)

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Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 5:20:15 AM)

With Cindy giving such great advice there's nothing left for me to add. I agree with her. [sm=thumbsup.gif]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 11:19:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
this NEEDS to be brought into the open. If he's not cheated, then the stage is ripe for it, and things like this thrive in the dark. Embarrassing to bring them out? Of course it is. But is your marriage worth it? Is protecting the family your children will grow up in worth it? Absolutely.


i agree ... making lists and all is well and good of marriages that need a tuneup but HER HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! if you want status quo then keep things as is. making lists is good but i don't think will help the real problem. your husband is having an affair. he's in the perfect situation now as he is having some emotional needs such as domestic support met by you and other needs such as physical attractiveness and recreational companionship (and soon to be sexual fulfilment if not already). it's the perfect situation for him while he's not confronted. btw many betrayed spouses find it easier to recover from an emotional affair rather than an emotional one that turned physical, so it's really up to you.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 11:44:44 AM)

I've only read the first post. All kinds of red flags on this husband's behavior. This is not a double standard, it's about boundaries or rather lack of good ones.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 11:45:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindybode

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

quote:


Perhaps both writing a list of some things that need to change, some things you value in the relationship, and some things you want to do differently (goals). This may help you think through the relationship and begin the process.


I like this idea. Actually, I have asked him to do it for me several times...


This could be very damaging to the relationship if both of you start listing ways in which you want the other person to change.


I disagree. There has been a serious breach of trust here. I see nothing wrong with saying, "In order for me to trust you again, I need your computer passwords and I need your word that you will not go to that restaurant again." It is ok for a husband and wife to tell each other what they need from each other - or it should be. If your husband loves you and wants to restore the relationship, he should want you to tell him what he can do to improve. This assumes, of course, that he's adult enough to accept it without stomping his foot and screaming like a toddler, and right now I'd guess he isn't. The question is really whether he's willing to grow up, listen to your heart, and make some changes.


Actually, we agree. However, starting a conversation with these things is not the way to START a restoration of communication. Starting a conversation with the things you mention would come across as controlling IMO. She may WANT her husband's passwords. She may WANT him to stay away from the restaurant. BUT, would these two changes help her understand her husband's heart more and why he does these things in the first place? Just like her losing weight or keeping the house clean doesn't help him understand her heart. That is like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. None of the surface stuff matters if they can't discuss what is going on in their hearts.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 12:18:09 PM)

I agree that eventually the discussion will have to come to what is in their hearts. But from everything I've read, it appears some boundaries need to be put in place, and setting boundaries can often help get people on the road to talking about what's really important or at the least bring sin out of the darkness where it can begin to be dealt with.

It would be great if this couple could get some good counseling, but without that, the very least that needs to be done is for the wife to set a good boundary of what is acceptable behavior in her husband. The scriptures make it clear that what this husband is doing is not acceptable behavior, but the wife is having a hard time making boundaries clear because she feels inadequate in what is appropriate and just feels inadequate as a female. This has put her in a passive/aggressive cycle -- meaning she can take the situation until she can't take it anymore and lashes out either with confrontation or withdraws while festering resentment in her heart. This is what happens to most of us when we're in these kinds of situations but aren't equipped to assert what's right -- we fight or flee instead of walking by the Spirit.

VisitorinWaiting,

I'm going to be very plain. Your worth as a person is not based on how big or little your butt is. Sadly, most of us women grapple with our physical appearance being the definition of our worth because the world continually barrages us with that message. That's why it's imperative as children of the Lord to read regularly what He has said and to be in continual communication with Him if the truth is to uphold us. If we don't continually reckon on the truth, it makes us subject to the world. The best analogy I have is that it's like two fighting dogs. The one who gets fed the most will fight the hardest. If I were you, I would get in His word and stay there. It will bring you wisdom about what are appropriate boundaries and how to apply them in love.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 12:31:22 PM)

I've got one more thing to say -- for now at least. I don't think I made myself clear in the last post. The most important issue for VisitorinWaiting to deal with is trusting in the Lord to direct her, which may or may not include getting out of the marriage. It's really about her and the Lord and how she walks with Him through this and everything else in her life. She needs to be willing to submit to the Lord no matter what. I'm not saying she's not willing just that this is the key to resolve her issues and any other issues in life that she has or will have.

Other than all of that, I'm sorry that her husband has done the things he's done. Based on what I've read here, he's wrong. That simple. My flesh wants to call him a jerk. That might feel good for a time, but this is her husband and the father of her children and not someone passing through her life who can be so easily written off by calling him a name. What matters is seeking the Lord. My prayer is that this situation will compel her to do just that and thereby be blessed.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 12:48:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bzirk

I agree that eventually the discussion will have to come to what is in their hearts. But from everything I've read, it appears some boundaries need to be put in place, and setting boundaries can often help get people on the road to talking about what's really important or at the least bring sin out of the darkness where it can begin to be dealt with.

Yes, boundaries are extremely important, but one can only set up boundaries for themselves. She has to keep the focus on what she is able to do because constantly thinking about his behavior will not solve anything. Sure, he might give her the passwords and stop going to the restaurant or seeing this woman neighbor making her feel better but he will most likely feel like she is trying to control him. That will only alienate him more IMO and he will find new ways to feed whatever is going on inside of him. That is why I believe you should START with the heart then proceed to telling the other person what you need from them once the communication has been reestablished.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 1:04:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

quote:

ORIGINAL: bzirk

I agree that eventually the discussion will have to come to what is in their hearts. But from everything I've read, it appears some boundaries need to be put in place, and setting boundaries can often help get people on the road to talking about what's really important or at the least bring sin out of the darkness where it can begin to be dealt with.


Yes, boundaries are extremely important, but one can only set up boundaries for themselves. She has to keep the focus on what she is able to do because constantly thinking about his behavior will not solve anything. Sure, he might give her the passwords and stop going to the restaurant or seeing this woman neighbor making her feel better but he will most likely feel like she is trying to control him. That will only alienate him more IMO and he will find new ways to feed whatever is going on inside of him. That is why I believe you should START with the heart then proceed to telling the other person what you need from them once the communication has been reestablished.


I'm talking about boundaries for herself. Part of her boundary is telling him what will gain her trust and as part of that she can certainly explain what's in her heart. There is nothing that says she can't share that. He's free to respond or not. What she has to do is realize that setting a boundary will have a result.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 1:13:53 PM)

bzirk - OP has made followup posts shedding more light on her situation. it is not just two people not getting along. wayward spouses do not care about boundaries - that is why they are wayward! they have no desire to make boundaries nor keep them. affairs are addictions and addicts have no problem doing what is wrong. sure he can say he won't spend time with the woman, and then sneak over at some other point with no qualms. affairs thrive in darkness and exposing this to his parents and pastors can shine enough light on the situation to squash it right here and now. the affair will no longer be fun and exciting, harsh reality will set in. not until the affair is ended, can work begin on rebuilding this marital relationship. that is when lists and more communication has its place. communication right now from the wayward spouse is based on lies. the lies need to be removed first!



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 1:28:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

bzirk - OP has made followup posts shedding more light on her situation. it is not just two people not getting along. wayward spouses do not care about boundaries - that is why they are wayward! they have no desire to make boundaries nor keep them. affairs are addictions and addicts have no problem doing what is wrong. sure he can say he won't spend time with the woman, and then sneak over at some other point with no qualms. affairs thrive in darkness and exposing this to his parents and pastors can shine enough light on the situation to squash it right here and now. the affair will no longer be fun and exciting, harsh reality will set in. not until the affair is ended, can work begin on rebuilding this marital relationship. that is when lists and more communication has its place. communication right now from the wayward spouse is based on lies. the lies need to be removed first!


I think you're attempting to define what I mean. I haven't said anything specifically about how to accomplish the boundaries and don't remember saying anything about lists.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 1:46:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

quote:


Perhaps both writing a list of some things that need to change, some things you value in the relationship, and some things you want to do differently (goals). This may help you think through the relationship and begin the process.


I like this idea. Actually, I have asked him to do it for me several times...so I could see his point of view of what I was doing right, what I was doing wrong, and what he wanted me to do...but I had never done it myself. Maybe this will be part of the process when we have our talk. Things went weird today at work, so he's staying late. You know, he tells me this, and I believe him...but there have been times that I have called the work phone instead of his cell phone to make sure that he is working. Is that terrible? I mean, with that resturant being close by, I always wonder. If I check the bank account during the day, and see the name of that resturant on there, I wonder...

I am feeling better than I felt this morning. This morning, I was just praying that God would help me to love him... because I didn't think that I did. I thought that I had made the wrong decision in marrying him, and I was just going to have to make the best of it... I am not feeling so much that way anymore...still a little on that side, but not as bad as it was this morning. I mean, I was literally beating my head against the wall while praying, asking God to remove those thoughts from my head.


Hang in there. The Lord does come through, but you need to keep focus on that truth. I'm sure that many of us here will pray for you. Among other things I pray that the Lord makes provision of others in your day to day life to come alongside you and encourage you in the Lord.

For the record, love is better the second time around (so to speak). I haven't had to deal with adultery, but I've had to deal with deep anger issues toward my husband where I really didn't love him at the time, and I had to ask the Lord to bring back what I had. He did, and it was so much richer, because some of the wrong ideas I had about love were removed.

I used to hear people talk about love the second time around when I was younger, and I didn't believe it, but I do now. You can get past this, and things can be better than they were.

Many blessings.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 4:15:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

Yes, boundaries are extremely important, but one can only set up boundaries for themselves. She has to keep the focus on what she is able to do because constantly thinking about his behavior will not solve anything. Sure, he might give her the passwords and stop going to the restaurant or seeing this woman neighbor making her feel better but he will most likely feel like she is trying to control him. That will only alienate him more IMO and he will find new ways to feed whatever is going on inside of him. That is why I believe you should START with the heart then proceed to telling the other person what you need from them once the communication has been reestablished.


Sorry, but we disagree again. The behavior needs to stop. Period. I don't really give a rip if the poor guy feels like she is trying to control him. He obviously needs to be controlled by someone, since he's unable to control himself. His wife has every right to do that. Obviously dealing with his heart, and the reasons he did this to begin with, is going to be a long process. It will take quite some time to reestablish good communication. What is Visitor supposed to do, play deaf and blind until he gets his heart right? He is not going to get his heart right unless his feet are held to the fire and he comes to understand that his wife is simply not going to put up with this. If he can't deal with that and chooses to live somewhere else, that's his decision.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 4:28:08 PM)

The behavior does indeed need to stop, and Visitor needs to decide what she's going to do if it doesn't. The best thing she can do is be honest with herself and her husband about what's going on. Her husband is an adult and needs to be treated as one and most adults (mature adults) want to be dealt with in a forthright manner rather than have someone try to think for them so that they react one way versus another. That's manipulation.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 4:54:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bzirk

The behavior does indeed need to stop, and Visitor needs to decide what she's going to do if it doesn't. The best thing she can do is be honest with herself and her husband about what's going on. Her husband is an adult and needs to be treated as one and most adults (mature adults) want to be dealt with in a forthright manner rather than have someone try to think for them so that they react one way versus another. That's manipulation.


Agreed.

If it were me, I'd spell out in words of one syllable what it is I need him to do. That would include things like the ability to check his computer, email, and cell phone accounts, not seeing the neighbor, and not going to that restaurant. If he were not willing to comply with that, then I would be showing him the door. I would certainly continue to pray hard, but in the end it's his decision. I firmly believe that God hates divorce, but I don't think He ever intended that women should put up with this type of abuse. The churches and other well meaning Christians who have taught shut up, pray, don't confront your husband, respect him no matter what, and all that other horse manure have done a huge disservice to a lot of families. How many people are living in absolute misery because of that teaching? I know - I was one of them for a lot of years. I'm not doing it anymore, and you know what? Things are better around here.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 5:10:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindybode

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits

Yes, boundaries are extremely important, but one can only set up boundaries for themselves. She has to keep the focus on what she is able to do because constantly thinking about his behavior will not solve anything. Sure, he might give her the passwords and stop going to the restaurant or seeing this woman neighbor making her feel better but he will most likely feel like she is trying to control him. That will only alienate him more IMO and he will find new ways to feed whatever is going on inside of him. That is why I believe you should START with the heart then proceed to telling the other person what you need from them once the communication has been reestablished.


Sorry, but we disagree again. The behavior needs to stop. Period. I don't really give a rip if the poor guy feels like she is trying to control him. He obviously needs to be controlled by someone, since he's unable to control himself. His wife has every right to do that. Obviously dealing with his heart, and the reasons he did this to begin with, is going to be a long process. It will take quite some time to reestablish good communication. What is Visitor supposed to do, play deaf and blind until he gets his heart right? He is not going to get his heart right unless his feet are held to the fire and he comes to understand that his wife is simply not going to put up with this. If he can't deal with that and chooses to live somewhere else, that's his decision.


I think we really do agree more than you realize. I never said the behavior shouldn't stop. If my husband called me by the neighbor's name in bed I'd be out of the bed and out of the house faster than lightning. He would understand very quickly that it was not okay to do that. I could lay out exactly what I think about VIW's husband's behavior but I'm new to this forum and I think the administrators would riddle me with several TOS breaches if I said exactly what I thought about that.........so I would rather focus on VIW instead of her husband at the moment. Sure, she can tell him she wants the behavior to stop and he can tell her he wants certain behavior to stop but it doesn't get to the "real" issue of why he is doing what he is doing. He may think nothing is wrong with walking the dog with the kids and the neighbor. He may think nothing is wrong with going on the boat with friends. He may think nothing is wrong with going to a certain restaurant. In his mind, he may think she is making unfair demands of him. Do you understand where I am going with this? You don't change a relationship by making demands of the other person. You change a relationship by being honest with each other and communicating. Until communication is restored into the marriage through humility on BOTH sides then there will be striving on both sides and relying on themselves( instead of God) to be better or do things better in order to appear good enough for the other person.

VIW, as you can see there is some disagreement on how you should proceed. I wish you the best, but I'll bow out of the situation for now because I think I've stated quite clearly what I believe. But just in case I haven't been clear then maybe this will clear it up.



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 5:15:57 PM)

I couldn't give my unvarnished thoughts either. But I will say that if my husband called the neighbor's name in bed, there wouldn't be much talking. I'd be direct enough that he might not be able to ever get out of a bed.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 5:21:57 PM)

Quite a few posts since my last one. I just thought I'd get in and answer some questions and address some things before I start cooking supper...after that, I won't be around much of the night because we have church tonight...that is, if I decide to go. It's been a horrible day...and I have a headache...but ds1's birthday is tomorrow, and I need to go to church to talk to the lady making his cake...so I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, it seems. I just don't FEEL like leaving the house for anything today. Anyway.....on to the subject at hand.

I have prayed about it...and I have played the situation over and over in my mind... My thought about what to do is to get all of my thoughts out on paper...I tend to forget things in the confrontational moments...because I get nervous when confrontation comes and can't get all of my thoughts sorted... So, anyway, I plan to write out each "situation" that needs to be addressed on a separate sheet of paper...go over that one, and move on to the next. When he chooses not to respond or responds negatively, I will set aside that paper, and say, "Okay, we need help from your parents on that one." After that, I really REALLY think that he will beg me to talk with him and not with his parents. You see how he destroyed the "appearance of sin" in our home when he thought they would see it... I haven't thought past what happens if he doesn't respond after we do talk with his parents. I do plan on following through with talking to his parents, because I truly believe that they are Godly counsel for us...but only if he doesn't talk it out with me, and even if we do talk it out, and I see no change, I will be asking them for a meeting. So, that's my plan right now. I do not know when I can carry this out because his parents are moving this weekend...he will be helping them tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday. He won't be around the house much, and I truly do not want to bring it up around the children or when he has had a long day and won't really feel up to talking about much of anything, especially not this. So, I am planning on the next night that he doesn't work, having the children in bed early, and then telling him we really need to talk.

I do have all of his computer and email passwords. He doesn't have mine, but he gave me his so I could communicate with him to let him know if he'd gotten an email from someone one time that he was waiting on... So, I have access to that...nothing there. I have access to his phone...I haven't really gone through and checked the numbers in a while. I check his text messages from time to time and haven't found anything there either. I'm not saying that any of this stuff means anything because HE DID GO TO THE PARK with the single female next door. HE DOES GO TO THE RESTURANT and gets free food, food that's not on the menu, and who knows what else. It made me SICK this weekend when we went there, and there was this waitress standing there practically swooning over him...telling me how great he is, and how sweet, and how it's so nice when he comes by...I said, "Yeah, well, you don't live with him." Then looked at him and laughed...and she said, "No, really." Give me a break!!!! Oh, and my parents went there with us once when they came for a visit. My mother was LIVID when we left that place. She said that he shouldnt' be doing what he's doing. There we were, with the kids...my mother, father, and I, trying to keep them under control while he stood at the cash register talking to some woman for EVER, and laughing with her and everything... If I were my mother, I would have knocked him out then and there! LOL

To all of you that have advised me to dive into the Word, I know...that's where my sanity will lie over these next few days, weeks, however long it takes...so, yes, I have to have a good time with God many times a day. I assure you that this is part of the plan as well. I know that without HIM whatever I do will not bring peace...

Speaking of which, I have had very little of today. It seems that the children sense that mommy is thinking about things far greater than they can comprehend, so I'm sort of in my own little world...and they have acted out because of that... I have also had to deal with at least two not-so-nice bill collectors, and started crying after the last one. With my dd's surgeries, we have been so strapped for cash...when we got the economic rebate, it all went to that glorious boat outside that I've been on for one small short period of time...so that would have been a big help. We are at least two months behind on most bills...and I hope that after this month, we aren't three months behind... I will also start thinking about this situation and why my husband doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did, and will be lost in my thoughts...the kids will come to me and ask me for something, and I will be frustrated with them for asking...because my heart is elsewhere... I really got to get it together.

I don't think that hubby understand that whatever family problems we have start at the head and move down. If there are problems with the kids, we shouldn't JUST be working on the kids...we should see if the relationship between us is right too...that's advice given to us by his parents a while back...that it's like a pyramid... I think they have SENSED marital problems long before I did...but I don't think they have a clue as to the degree...



bzirk -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 5:24:37 PM)

I pray they are protected from what is going on and are unscathed in any way. I know first hand that prayer can be answer, and I ask it now for your kids.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 5:26:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bzirk

I couldn't give my unvarnished thoughts either. But I will say that if my husband called the neighbor's name in bed, there wouldn't be much talking. I'd be direct enough that he might not be able to ever get out of a bed.

Yeah, that crossed my mind too! As well as a few other evil thoughts which I won't mention.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 10:01:25 PM)

((((((((((((((VIW)))))))))))))))))) I'm glad you have been able to be honest here and sort through some things. Sometimes when we don't talk about what is going on, it's easier to pretend nothing is REALLY going on. I'm not saying something is for sure, but with all those red flags...definitely something needs dealing with, at the very least.

I like you plan of writing things down and trying to get him to talk first. I don't really care for the thought of his parents being the ones that will counsel you...but know you have said they are fair in dealing with both of you. I hear you on not wanting confrontation, but please, please, please...do not let these things keep sliding. Praying for courage and boldness of the Holy Spirit on you as you call your husband on his actions. Really and truly...praying, also for him to have a softened heart and to truly repent. God can use these hard things to tear you down and rebuild you stronger than before, if you both are willing.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 10:09:36 PM)

Wait a minute. You are 2 months behind on all your bills, and your husband took your stimulus check and bought a boat??!!

He is behaving like a selfish little 2 year old. [:@]

SouthernBelle, I do see where you're going, and I think we do agree up to a point. However, if a husband is being mature and Christlike, he should stop any behavior that bothers his wife just because it bothers her. It doesn't matter if he thinks her reasons are valid or not. If I have a problem with my husband shopping at the truck stop up the road, whether it's because of a certain waitress or because I'm afraid one of the trucks will run over him in the parking lot or because I'm convinced that's the next stop on the alien abduction route, he should care enough about my feelings not to shop there, even if he thinks I'm nuts. A man who loves his wife as Christ loves the church will not want to do anything that hurts her or makes her uncomfortable in any way.

I think the part you might be missing here is that any woman who is being treated well by her husband wants to make him happy. She will do anything in her power to accomplish that. She will not make unreasonable demands . . . but demands based on his demonstrated inability to behave himself are not unreasonable. As she is able to trust him more, those demands will drop off. The point is that the man has to go first - if he's loving his wife as he should, then the respect and love he wants from her will follow.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/4/2008 10:54:22 PM)

quote:

I think the part you might be missing here is that any woman who is being treated well by her husband wants to make him happy.

Even those of us who aren't being treated well still want to make him happy.

I am sitting here crying, and he's lying in bed. We were sitting on the couch, and I leaned over wanting a kiss, and he stopped me and said, "Not right now." I said, "You don't want to kiss me?" He said, "Have you brushed your teeth?" No, honey, I'm dirty...I don't get to get a shower twice a day like you do...I have three children to take care of...no, honey, I was getting three children ready for church this evening and we were late, so I didn't get a chance to brush my teeth before we ran out the door 15 minutes late... I pushed myself off of him and he said, "Oh, that's my chest, where it hurts." I said, "Yeah, and my heart hurts too." He left the room in a huff saying that I'm being unreasonable. I followed him and talked to him...I told him it was more than about toothbrushing...he used to kiss me all the time...no matter what...I told him that he didn't seem to care about me anymore, and he said that it was all baloney. So, I walked out saying it's baloney over and over...I cried...he told me that I should stop. He says that I won't listen to him...but I never will forget how I felt when I was REJECTED by my own husband of SIX YEARS for a KISS...not sex, not anything other than a kiss. Wow...how that hurts.

I am working on my thoughts tonight to present to him the next time we have time together...not sure when that will be. I did ask him why there was a gap between us, and he said it was because the children didn't behave...and it drives him crazy, and it drives me crazy, and that's why we can't be close like we used to be...I told him it was more than the kids, but didn't go into anything. I was already losing it...crying and all...so I walked out of the room. I am so scared of what is gong to happen in the coming days... Tomorrow is ds1's birthday, and he hasn't been involved at all... I am so hurt and heartbroken right now, I don't know what to do. For the past two days, all I have had to eat were a toaster waffle for breakfast each day, a bologna sandwich for lunch every day...and that's all. I don't even feel like eating.

I had been having some strange womanly stuff going on...I posted about it in the women's personal issues folder...and someone suggested std, and when I looked it up, I found those things too... Boy, that makes me wonder.........................................



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 12:24:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

quote:

I think the part you might be missing here is that any woman who is being treated well by her husband wants to make him happy.

Even those of us who aren't being treated well still want to make him happy.


That is the kicker, isn't it?

Gen 3:16 Then he said to the woman, " . . . And though your desire will be for your husband, he will be your master."

Our desire really is for our husband, and we will take an awful lot of abuse before that's turned off. OTOH, many men seem to think that their wife's main goal in life is to become a (insert TOS violation here) and make their lives miserable. That's just not true, guys. Women respond to how you treat them.

Hillary, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. If you have any suspicion at all that you have an std, you need to get yourself to a doctor. I know finances are tight, but an untreated std will put you in the hospital eventually, and you need to be healthy for your kids. I'm sorry your husband hurt you so badly. I pray that he wakes up and sees what he stands to lose.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 3:16:25 AM)

Visitorinwaiting, my heart is breaking for you. [&o] I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

I think writing everything down is a good idea. However you need to do it.....just get it done. Actually having the conversation with him is more important, IMO, than the way you go about it. I don't know if involving in-laws would be my first choice but if you trust them and believe they'll set him straight then go for it.

I know this is hard but the alternative is even worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. May God bring you comfort tonight and protect your children.



buckifn -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 7:23:07 AM)

quote:

There has been a serious breach of trust here. I see nothing wrong with saying, "In order for me to trust you again, I need your computer passwords and I need your word that you will not go to that restaurant again." It is ok for a husband and wife to tell each other what they need from each other - or it should be. If your husband loves you and wants to restore the relationship, he should want you to tell him what he can do to improve. This assumes, of course, that he's adult enough to accept it without stomping his foot and screaming like a toddler, and right now I'd guess he isn't. The question is really whether he's willing to grow up, listen to your heart, and make some changes.


I agree.. say what you need, clearly, precisely, and DO NOT APOLOGIZE for it.

I can tell you it's pretty much a done deal this guy is taking everything from every female he can possibly take from. You are too close to the situation to see it. A. He has no concern for you and your children or he would not be buying a boat when the bills are 2+ months behind. B. He would not visit a woman next door without you. C. When out in public, even with his parent's present he doesn't have enough decency and courtesy to cover up his desire for approval with another woman.

For some reason women in general tend to rationalize pathetic behavior in the "name of love". I can tell you 1000% a man who loves his wife is not going to allow those things to happen I listed. It's the exact opposite of what a man who loves and honors his wife will do! I guess that is what makes me angry.

I hope you do not see his behavior and think "I must deserve this" or "this comes with the territory" No on both counts. Your husband is behaving like a 2 yr old and needs to be held accountable.

I personally, would not recommend his parent's as the ones to go to, but if that is where you feel your strongest hope of change is you know the situation better than us.

Don't live in denial and think this will just go away. Your husband is seriously destroying his marriage and his family. I suppose the tough question for you is do you want to fight for it, or realizing all the filth in his heart do you even have enough worth fighting for?

God can restore your relationship, but I think the problem is deeper than a "relationship" Your husband needs serious spiritual intervention for himself even aside from your marriage.

He is either feeling overwhelmed with all personal responsibility and looking for anything to serve as a diversion (which is what the boat prob is) and is also struggling deeply with sin issues such as lust, adultery. etc and is bailing out emotionally instead of working through the struggles. The incident with the waitress when you and his parents were waiting sounds like he also has issues of self worth and may be looking for approval from any source available.

Maybe his Dad can recommend an accountability group for him, or another pastor to work one on one with him? I really believe from the male point of view he has issues within himself he needs to work on first before the marriage can ever go forward.

Keep yourself strong, building up your faith, stay focused on God, your well being and the well being of your children. Don't allow his problems to drag you and your kids down to his level.



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