RE: Double Standard vent... (Full Version)

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3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 7:38:56 AM)

Visitor--you have recieved a lot of encouragement and good advice. Your husband is behaving horribly and I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

I just want to encourage you in one thing--Persevere in Godliness, no matter what your husband does or says. Don't react to him out of your hurt (and your hurt is valid!). Respond to him in a God-pleasing way. The reason I am saying this is, we are all held accountable for our *own* words and actions. For instance, as angry as you were and as boorish as he was, dissing him in front of the waitress was a reaction (and a totally understandable one!), but not a good response.
I am not saying you shouldn't speak up. And I admire you for sticking it out this long with so much rejection. You are amazing!
Just work through this in a way that you know honors God and don't do or say things that will give Satan or your husband any reason to accuse you. [;)]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 9:02:10 AM)

sorry for what you are going through VIW. i am not sure why people see a problem going to the inlaws, they are among the best to expose to. after all the idea of exposure is to end the affair. i guess you could tell a friend of his who may take his side not knowing all the info and he could more easily lie to. or to one of your friends he doesn't care about, but the point is exposure usually ends this fantasy world he is living in.

also right now, as mentioned right above stuff like 'you don't have to live with him' needs to stop immediately unless you want to continue to drive him to the other woman (not that he needs much pushing). why not just brush your teeth if he asks and quell any possible fight? i am guessing you are probably getting a std test already so why even push for sex til you know the result? talking to your inlaws before your son helps them move will give him a healthy 3 day dose of shame. i realize it's scary to expose and many betrayed spouses get cold feet and then months and months later wish they exposed earlier.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 2:02:39 PM)

Nothing new to report today... I haven't been as frustrated with the children today, praise the Lord. I haven't been as worried about the outcome either. I KNOW that it's going to get talked about one way or the other, and so, we'll just work toward that. I am sure that it's because I haven't had to deal with him much today...and he'll be going to his parents house immediately after work to help them with moving...and then again during the day tomorrow, and on Saturday as well. So, some time away will be good for me at least...

Thank you all for your continued prayer.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 2:07:55 PM)

no matter what the outcode ... you will look back and realize how much every action or statement seemed to be larger than life and would determine the future of your marriage ... it's healthy to be able to look at the situation from a distance or removed a little bit



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/5/2008 3:44:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

also right now, as mentioned right above stuff like 'you don't have to live with him' needs to stop immediately unless you want to continue to drive him to the other woman (not that he needs much pushing).


Sorry, but IMHO that's precisely the kind of thinking that's had too many women putting up with way too much abuse, and too many men refusing to move past the toddler stage of development. Why does she have to live with him? He has already divorced her in his heart. He obviously wants out. Do you honestly think the refusal to kiss her was really about brushing her teeth? If she had just scrubbed them clean, there would have been another excuse.

Just so no one misunderstands here, I am not suggesting that Visitor or anyone else in this situation simply toss the guy out, harden her heart, and say it's over. However, no wife should have to live with a man who is treating her this way. If she allows it, she is enabling him to continue to live in sin. If, in the end, he chooses the sin anyway, at least she and her children won't be a part of it.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 9:13:07 AM)

Ladies...just wanted to let you know that our prayers must be working. Hubby did something last night that he'd never done before. I was shocked and amazed...because I was dreading that it was going to happen...and then, it didn't. I don't want to go into all the details, but it was great. So, please, keep praying. Our problems are far from fixed and far from gone, BUT something that usually happens and hurts me, he didn't do, when put in the same situation again...so, it was GREAT! I am just honestly so amazed, that I'm just giddy. I know that God is working. Hopefully hubby's heart will be softened when we are able to talk about ALL of the issues soon. Just wanted to thank you all for your prayers and support. Keep them up because this was one small step in the right direction...very easy for things to turn bad again...so, thank you, and your continued prayer and support is much, much appreciated!!



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 9:15:34 AM)

Good news, and I'm still praying. Please don't drop those other issues just because you had a good night though. I don't think you will...just saying...



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 10:51:21 AM)

cindy - it sounds like you haven't read the whole thread and no idea of the context. i never said she has to live with him but was quoting an intentionally hurtful statement she made in front of other people. publicly demeaning your husband is never a good idea ... constantly picking fights will make ANY spouse unhappy i could easily say the same of your post 'Sorry, but IMHO that's precisely the kind of thinking that's had too many men putting up with way too much emotional abuse, and too many women refusing to move past the toddler stage of development.' but i won't as i will give you the benefit of the doubt as not taking the time to read what is going on. if you also read my posts in this thread, you will see i have been advocating a tougher stance than sit down and talk and hope things turn out better so your characterization is vastly off the mark.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 11:26:27 AM)

I just wanted to say...that the statement I made at the resturant "Well, you don't live with him," was made in a jokingly way...amid others joking about things, and after I made the statement, I smiled at the lady, chuckled a little, and gave hubby a wink. I wasn't doing it in a demeaning way. EVERYONE present knew the context that I was saying it in. I thought I made that clear in the post about that situation, but apparently not. I was just going to leave it alone, but since it has turned into a bit of an issue here, I thought I'd give more info....

And, as far as picking fights...that wasn't the intention, and I don't think it was taken that way. I am the last person to pick fights...and I feel like I try to smooth things over more than most people I know...so that's not the way I meant it. Anyway, he was unhappy long before this, and it's not something I do on a regular basis...lol...we are hardly out in public together on a regular basis anyway, so EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I wouldn't have the opportunity to do so... As far as picking fights in public, hubby is great for that...but that's another post for another time...



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 1:00:57 PM)

you may have been joking but the rest of the post describes some underlying emotions:
quote:

It made me SICK this weekend when we went there ... and my parents went there with us once when they came for a visit. My mother was LIVID when we left that place ... If I were my mother, I would have knocked him out then and there!


i was trying to emphasize that it sucks being a betrayed spouse. you have to be extra nice to your spouse and be very careful to avoid any disrespectful judgements... not saying you shouldn't joke around, but our jokes can still be hurtful to other people. you don't want to give your husband any ammunition like angry outburts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands as an excuse to engage in his affairs. affairs are like addictions and wayward spouses don't think straight and in they can justify their wrong behavior in their head.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 4:37:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

you may have been joking but the rest of the post describes some underlying emotions:
quote:

It made me SICK this weekend when we went there ... and my parents went there with us once when they came for a visit. My mother was LIVID when we left that place ... If I were my mother, I would have knocked him out then and there!


i was trying to emphasize that it sucks being a betrayed spouse. you have to be extra nice to your spouse and be very careful to avoid any disrespectful judgements... not saying you shouldn't joke around, but our jokes can still be hurtful to other people. you don't want to give your husband any ammunition like angry outburts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands as an excuse to engage in his affairs. affairs are like addictions and wayward spouses don't think straight and in they can justify their wrong behavior in their head.


In some cases this would be a good idea. But I don't think in this case it'd be the best way to go about repairing the relationship. This man is already justifying his wrong behavior in his head. If he wasn't justifying it to himself he wouldn't keep on doing these hurtful things. He seems to have a long-term pattern of disrespectful/sinful behavior towards his wife and children. I think he'll just keep on doing it until his wife starts making his life uncomfortable. Hopefully he'll see the Light and repent before it's too late.

VIW, I'm keeping you in my prayers. Glad your dh made a good choice the other day and that you're feeling better. As others have said, make sure you still address these issues even though things are getting a little better.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 5:15:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

cindy - it sounds like you haven't read the whole thread and no idea of the context. i never said she has to live with him but was quoting an intentionally hurtful statement she made in front of other people. publicly demeaning your husband is never a good idea ... constantly picking fights will make ANY spouse unhappy i could easily say the same of your post 'Sorry, but IMHO that's precisely the kind of thinking that's had too many men putting up with way too much emotional abuse, and too many women refusing to move past the toddler stage of development.' but i won't as i will give you the benefit of the doubt as not taking the time to read what is going on. if you also read my posts in this thread, you will see i have been advocating a tougher stance than sit down and talk and hope things turn out better so your characterization is vastly off the mark.


OK, sorry, I didn't realize you were quoting her post. I also didn't realize that I was "characterizing" you in any way. I was simply disagreeing with you. It seems that many of these threads might go a bit more smoothly if folks didn't get quite so defensive when someone disagrees with them. I apologize for anything I said that was offensive to you.

Glad you had a good moment, Hillary. I'll pray they keep on coming. Hang in there!



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/6/2008 10:36:02 PM)

Iwillfearnoevil said: [i was trying to emphasize that it sucks being a betrayed spouse. you have to be extra nice to your spouse and be very careful to avoid any disrespectful judgements... not saying you shouldn't joke around, but our jokes can still be hurtful to other people. you don't want to give your husband any ammunition like angry outburts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands as an excuse to engage in his affairs. affairs are like addictions and wayward spouses don't think straight and in they can justify their wrong behavior in their head.
[/quote]

I have a BIG problem with this.[:@] I don't think it says anywhere in the bible that one must be "extra nice" to a spouse who has betrayed her. This insinuates it is the wife's problem and responsiblity for the choices her husband makes. No matter what VIW does it does not excuse her husband's behavior. This is false guilt if you buy into that and think that you have control over the choices your husband makes. Do not apologize for your husband's wrong choices. It is up to him to apologize for them.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/7/2008 12:38:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits


I have a BIG problem with this.[:@]


Me too.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/8/2008 4:05:49 PM)

Things aren't going well. Will update more tonight or tomorrow...but the gap has gotten larger between hubby and I. I still haven't brought up these particular issues...will do that in the next couple of days...so things are coming to a head, and it doesn't look good...

Please keep praying...



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/8/2008 4:33:02 PM)

Gotcha covered.

I'm sorry things are downhill again.[&o]



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/8/2008 7:16:11 PM)

Well, in a nutshell, here is what happened...he got mad at me at CHURCH. A great place to be mad at your wife, huh? So, he got in my face about it, and his father ended up seeing it...neither one of us knew that he was outside and within viewing distance of what was going on. He came over and stopped us, and asked what was going on. Hubby gave his side of the story...not telling the whole truth, so I'd have to put in my comments of how it really did happen...hubby didn't deny it when I'd tell what was really said... His dad was not happy at all. He told hubby that no matter what I do, he has no right to treat me that way...that it's not right. Hubby said that he shouldn't have done it in public, his dad said no...not anywhere... So, that backs up a lot of what you ladies have been telling me. His dad did make sure to point out that we both have flaws in the relationship, but no matter what, hubby shouldn't have done what he done... So, maybe it will turn out to be a blessing about having the ice cracked already by someone other than myself. Hubby has hardly spoke to me since, and has been really distant. He is treating me more like a casual friend now than a wife, lover, or even a best friend. It hurts, but I realize that this might be the way it is before he really cracks. If his dad only knew half of the things that he doesn't know, I think it would be a help to him to maybe see why my flaws are so evident while hubby's are hidden until he "catches" him. So, my debate now is whether to go ahead and tell his parents whether the conversation goes well with him or not...may make them understand the dynamics of everything better...??? I don't want to embarrass hubby...and this would definitely do that...but then, we need help, and he doesn't care to embarrass me...the past two times we've been in church, he's done it, so he obviously doesn't care... ??? *sigh*



mayfly -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/8/2008 7:28:23 PM)

VisitorInWaiting, it sounds like your FIL could be a great mediator for the two of you, perhaps you could arrange to talk to your husband in the privacy of your home with him present? It might make it a little easier for you, since I'm sure it must be difficult to confront him about this.

[sm=heart.gif]
I'll be praying for you.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/8/2008 8:03:08 PM)

quote:

So, my debate now is whether to go ahead and tell his parents whether the conversation goes well with him or not...may make them understand the dynamics of everything better...??? I don't want to embarrass hubby...and this would definitely do that...but then, we need help, and he doesn't care to embarrass me...the past two times we've been in church, he's done it, so he obviously doesn't care... ??? *sigh*


Provided that you trust your FIL and he is a trustWORTHY man (sounds like he is willing hear both sides and not just side with his son...that's good!), I think it could be a good thing to involve him no matter how the conversation with hubby goes.

That is one of the things my husband and I have agreed on...when we start heading down our "old path", one of us will involve one of our pastors. It is good for both of us to have that accountability, even if it has the potential to be very embarrassing.

I'll say it again...marriages are worth fixing and protecting, EVEN if that means embarrassment for one or both of you. There is nothing to be gained by keeping Satan's mess in the dark. He only wants us to think there is, so that we can't have healing and restoration and the abundant life Jesus promised us.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/8/2008 9:18:25 PM)

What Donna said. [:)]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/9/2008 10:10:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernBelleGrits
I have a BIG problem with this.[:@] I don't think it says anywhere in the bible that one must be "extra nice" to a spouse who has betrayed her. This insinuates it is the wife's problem and responsiblity for the choices her husband makes. No matter what VIW does it does not excuse her husband's behavior. This is false guilt if you buy into that and think that you have control over the choices your husband makes. Do not apologize for your husband's wrong choices. It is up to him to apologize for them.


i don't see anywhere in the bible that one must be antagonize your spouse either. this insinuates that the betrayed spouse should heap coals upon the wayward spouse and has no responsibility to work on reconciling the marriage. VIW no one ever said you forced your husband to have an affair or should apologize for it. also be prepared for the fact that your husband may not apologize right away for the affair as he may feel justified in his mind. it may take months to get to that point for him and as donna said yes there is embarassment involved but by reconciling you can bring glory to God!



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/9/2008 12:51:17 PM)

I had decided that tonight was going to be the night that I talked with hubby...if his day went okay, and he wasn't too distracted when he got home...but I haven't felt well today (see thread in Health & Fitness), so I'm not sure what will happen. Also, we might be having part 2 of ds1's birthday party this evening after he gets home...so, it will likely be tomorrow...please remember me in prayers tomorrow night...I will talk to him after kids go to bed...around 9pm est.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/9/2008 1:13:36 PM)

praying for you and your family ViW!



kohls356 -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/9/2008 4:40:19 PM)

VIW I have been reading and praying for you and your marriage. I went to health and fitness and read your post. I wonder with all the stress that is going on right now if that is not what is making you sick. I know when I get worked up about something my stomach pays dearly for it. I know you want to pick the best time to talk to your husband about this but really I think the sooner the better. It needs to be brought out and talked about. I think you are really making yourself sick over this and things need to start healing, not only in your marriage but you yourself need to start feeling better.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/9/2008 5:09:55 PM)

It's definitely true that stress can make you sick. I believe that a wife can become very ill due to a husband's mistreatment of her (see Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair).

I'm so glad that your fil stood up to your husband and told him not to treat you that way. I think it may be a good idea to bring certain issues to fil's attention no matter how your husband reacts to your talk. He may get angry, defensive, beg and plead, promise to do better etc. but that may just be in hopes that you'll not bring these issues to his parents' attention. If his parents will hold his feet to the fire then it seems like a good idea to involve them. Most men like this need a real kick in the pants, so to speak, before they will really change. Isn't that why the Bible says to cast out the believer from among us who is living like an unbeliever......so that they might be brought to a state of true repentance? It's like God knew that many believers wouldn't see the light and repent until they were faced with the choice of either repenting or facing some really uncomfortable changes in their lives.

Don't delay too long. There will always be a better time to do this, kwim?

Praying for you. (((VIW)))



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