RE: Double Standard vent... (Full Version)

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VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/26/2008 2:25:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YZGUY
Do you desire your husband? Do you flirt with him? Do you tell him he is sexy?


Answer to all three... Ooohh yeah. I say things, imply things to let him know when I want to be intimate. I tell him daily that he's sexy and/or handsome. I desire him. I love him. I grab his bottom or hit it when he walks by... I think I let him know that he is desired at home.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/27/2008 2:06:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

Well, we had some of our talk last night, unexpectedly. We were lying in the bed talking about ways to save money, and we were talking about him taking his lunches with him instead of eating out. So, I said, "Well, I had your lunch packed today, but neither of us remembered it before you left for work." He said, "I know."
Me: "So, what did you have for lunch today?"
Him: "Something cheap." (with his smirk, which means, the resturant where I get a great discount that you don't want me to go to...)
Me: "I thought you said that you weren't going there anymore for me."
Him: "We didn't set that in stone."
Me: "How much more in stone does it need to be when you say that you won't go there if it will make me feel better, and I respond that I don't want you going there, and you say okay??"
Him: "Well, it only costed me $4.00 and something...less than $5."
Me: "I don't care about the cost, honey. And you can get a sub for $5."
Him: "I know, and I do sometimes, but I just wanted to go there today."
Me: "Did you even think about me while you were driving there? That I didn't want you to go there?"
Him: "Yeah, but I didn't think we had settled it."
Me: "I dont' see why you thought that. I think I made it clear."
We went on to talk about how the girls there treat him and how inappropriate it is knowing that he's a married man. He said that he knew what car that the girls drove and what the men drove because he's been there when they've pulled into the parking lot before and just saw what they were driving. He assured me that there is nothing to be jealous of and that I'm the only one that he's ever been intimate with...and I do believe him in that, but it's still not appropriate. The ladies there are obviously flirting with him, and he's accepting it all with a smile. At the end of the conversation, he said that he wouldn't go there anymore, and I told him that I didn't know if I believed him or not cause I'd heard it before, and then he went back.

Any ideas or suggestions about this issue particularly? What more can I say? do? I don't know how I will know if he goes there or not. After last night, he likely won't tell me if he goes there again... [:'(]


When you posted about the conversation with your friends when hubby said he wouldn't go to the restaurant anymore I was wondering if perhaps he was only saying it at the time in order to save face in front of your friends. Doesn't look like he really understands why doing this is wrong. Does he flirt with the girls there or do they just flirt with him? Either way I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with it. And once you let him know how uncomfortable it makes you feel, he should stop doing it. To keep going at this point is extremely selfish and disrespectful. It must be pretty bad if your mom and now your friends are noticing it too.

Have you talked to him about the neighbor issue? Have you talked to him about why he called out her name and why it's so wrong to do that? Have you talked to him about spending time alone with her and how it bothers you and why it's wrong to do that? Are you still going to have a talk with him and his parents?



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/27/2008 2:24:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Does he flirt with the girls there or do they just flirt with him?


He tells me not to take his friendliness for flirting. I would call it overly friendly...maybe not to the point of flirting because it's hard to tell with guys sometimes... I do know, however, how a girl flirts, and these girls are definitely flirting with him...
quote:


Have you talked to him about the neighbor issue? Have you talked to him about why he called out her name and why it's so wrong to do that? Have you talked to him about spending time alone with her and how it bothers you and why it's wrong to do that? Are you still going to have a talk with him and his parents?

I will soon. I was trying to take one issue at a time, and since this one about the ladies at the resturant kind of came to the top because of our situations in the past few weeks, I dealt with it first. The others will be handled. I will only involve his parents if I continue to get nowhere with him.



MyBoyJayden -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/27/2008 6:21:18 PM)

When I read your situation I almost started crying. I have been there. When my husband go tback from Iraq I found out that one night before we moved to another duty station that one of his female soldiers was texting him and talking to him at all hour for advice. He appoligized and I blew it off. Then once we moved to Georgia my husband would go fishing and hunting with frienda nd leave me at home with our four children. That started to cause problems but I made excuses and blew it off. A few weeks ago I was snooping in my husbands e-mail and found a naked picture of one of my good friends. They had been texting back and forth for a year and what started out as inocent recently escalated to pictures being send back and forth. They had been texting for months almost all day long. She is married to an army guy as well and we went through out husbands deployments together. She lives in another state, but to me they were emotionally having an affair.
The excuses you made I have made them myself. He said I am a great mother but I am not a good houswlfe. That he expects more of me. I leave him little notes telling him I love him and alway tell him how proud of him I am. What he did has nothing to do with how clean our house is. He is having issues that he will not discuss.
After confronting him and asking him to leave so that I can pack my things and leave he finally broke down and told me how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me. He can't explain why still and we are still working hard on our marriage. It is going to take me a long time to trust him and I am still struggling with the issue to leave. I know how is hurts to give all of your self to someone and not have that returned. You have to confront him and let him know how you feel. Communication is the key. You can not be scared by his reaction. I know you are scared of diapproval from him. I was there. I didn't want him to think less of me. But the fact is he is going to think less of you if you do not stick up for yourself.
Sorry this is so long. I guess I am in need of a little advice myself.



hnt -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/27/2008 6:24:18 PM)

quote:

When you posted about the conversation with your friends when hubby said he wouldn't go to the restaurant anymore I was wondering if perhaps he was only saying it at the time in order to save face in front of your friends. Doesn't look like he really understands why doing this is wrong.


If he knew he had to save face in front of his friends - then he knew it was wrong. I mean seriously! He understands perfectly well I believe.

His wife told him she didn't want him going there, and he agreed with that. Its not like this hasn't been brought up before. I think that was a diversion tactic myself.

quote:

I will only involve his parents if I continue to get nowhere with him.


Vistor: You are at the nowhere place now. You need to nip this in the bud! I mean unless the man has always lost all forms of common sense he knew what he was doing. He isn't going to tell you if he goes back there at this point.

If he doesn't know that having a bunch of women flirting with him, and then having some single woman coming around is WRONG...and can't grasp this HE needs to be TOLD! You need another man to come along side of him, and knock some sense into him big time!



Stronger2day -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/27/2008 9:16:06 PM)

VisitorinWaiting, I have been keeping up on your story - sorry I don't have much to offer. There has been some good advice, especially not sweeping the big things under the rug. I pray that you are given the courage and discernment needed to address this. Please continue to keep us updated. [;)]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/30/2008 4:46:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hnt
quote:

I will only involve his parents if I continue to get nowhere with him.

Vistor: You are at the nowhere place now. You need to nip this in the bud! I mean unless the man has always lost all forms of common sense he knew what he was doing. He isn't going to tell you if he goes back there at this point.


agreed. it's been a month of posts now (not counting all the time before you came to cw) and things generally don't seem better. you still have not [fully] exposed this affair, maybe out of fear? you are protecting your husband's feelings (while he is not caring for yours) and allowing it to continue. affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness. once exposed, the thrill is gone and it will take real work for him to continue. it just won't be fun any more. most affairs die within two months of exposure, what are you waiting for?

p.s. i am sorry if this seems harsh but almost all affairs have similiarities and yours is not unlike a couple hundred i've heard about ... and if you don't believe me, go read the surviving an affair book i recommended earlier by dr harley who has seen this in THOUSANDS of couples.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (6/30/2008 5:11:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: hnt
quote:

I will only involve his parents if I continue to get nowhere with him.

Vistor: You are at the nowhere place now. You need to nip this in the bud! I mean unless the man has always lost all forms of common sense he knew what he was doing. He isn't going to tell you if he goes back there at this point.


agreed. it's been a month of posts now (not counting all the time before you came to cw) and things generally don't seem better. you still have not [fully] exposed this affair, maybe out of fear? you are protecting your husband's feelings (while he is not caring for yours) and allowing it to continue. affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness. once exposed, the thrill is gone and it will take real work for him to continue. it just won't be fun any more. most affairs die within two months of exposure, what are you waiting for?

p.s. i am sorry if this seems harsh but almost all affairs have similiarities and yours is not unlike a couple hundred i've heard about ... and if you don't believe me, go read the surviving an affair book i recommended earlier by dr harley who has seen this in THOUSANDS of couples.



We don't know for sure that he's having an affair, do we? It's likely from what VIW posted about him and the neighbor that he could be having an emotional and/or physical affair but we don't know that for sure, right? Or did I miss something?

Either way, his actions are very selfish and something drastic does need to be done in order for things to change. Because of the way he acts around other women (at the restaurant and neighbor) I'd be very worried that he would end up having an affair at some point in the marriage. He just doesn't seem to want to have those boundaries that marriages should have. IOW, he is a married man who is acting in many ways like a single guy.

I'm just afraid that if you don't address this now, you will end up facing something much worse in the future.

From what you've posted, it seems your husband needs to do more than just not go to that restaurant. He needs to have a change of heart (i.e. follow Christ instead of his own selfish desires).



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 12:03:19 PM)

I agree... He does need to have a change of heart...but that is something that I can say, but he can't SHOW me that has happened for a while. At least not going to the resturant would be something that would show that he cares. I honestly, maybe I'm blind, do not think that he has had an affair...emotional, maybe...physical, I really don't think so. Anyway, the resturant issue is off of my mind for right now. The next time it will be mentioned will be with his parents sitting with us...and not again until then. I am not going to keep up and run it into the ground so that it doesn't even get through anymore.

On another note...concerning double standards in our marriage...last night, a lady that we have known for maybe a couple of months or so now, invited me to a weekly, womens Bible study at her home...not a mile from ours. The night that the Bible study is on is a night that hubby sometimes works, so I let her know that sometimes I would not be able to make it because of that, but otherwise, I'd love to come. After we walked away from them, I told hubby that she invited me. I hadn't so much as mentioned it before he started shaking his head. I said, ,"I haven't even finished yet, and you are already not happy about it." I was silent for a while, as was he, then I finished telling him the story. I seriously doubt that I will get to go to this Bible study. He will make it impossible, I know. Why? There will be no men. It's ONE night at week that I won't be at his and the children's beck and call (not that I mind this, I enjoy taking care of them). He can go out whenever he wants with family and friends on the boat or wherever else, but when it's me, it's like he won't hear of it! *sigh*



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 1:02:21 PM)

his response about Bible study was awful VIW sorry :( maybe it can be used somehow to open communication somehow. i'm not sure it could be approached such as setting aside that night each week for you, and him getting another night. it's sad you have to bargain a way to grow in God. i think forming close friendships with same-sex believers is very important and will help you be a rock in this marriage. maybe he could watch the children one week, and his parents the next? just throwing ideas out, but it's not fair for you to be the only one giving and him taking. he might be used to that by now, but it's not too late for him to change. i can't understand these fathers who don't want to play major parts in their children's lives. i'll continue to be praying.



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 1:23:23 PM)

{{{Hillary}}}

Your dh's response to the Bible study proves what we've known all along - he's selfish. He wants to do his own thing, and he wants Mommy at home with the kids so he can be free to do it. He also doesn't want Mommy somewhere where he has no control over what she's talking about or what she's doing. His life isn't going to work unless you're firmly under his thumb.

You can't put this off any longer. Call your in-laws and sit that little boy down and give him what for. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result - and frankly, my friend, that's what you're doing. You are grabbing at little straws and thinking they mean big changes, and that's not going to happen. He will not change unless you make it too uncomfortable for him not to change.

I know it's scary. I totally understand feeling like . . . this is bad, but if he left it might be worse. I was there for years, and then my husband left anyway. You know what? It wasn't worse. It was peaceful for a change, and God took care of us. My dh still has a long way to go, and frankly I sometimes wish for those days when he wasn't here. It would just be so much easier in so many ways. Mine is beginning to get it, though, and he's trying, so he is still here. Your dh may need to discover what life on is own is like before he gets to the place where he can be the husband and father you need him to be.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 2:08:38 PM)

VIW,
I'm still here too reading along and praying for your marriage. I disagree with telling his parents because I believe it will be another source of contention in the marriage and it is an attempt to control him. I wouldn't want my husband to change just because he is afraid of his parents. That is your call to make though. Your husband is no longer a boy even though he may be acting like one. Your in-laws may be helpful in the situation but my gut instinct tells me that involving them would not be beneficial in the long run . It may produce short term results though....... I'm just not sure.

I said earlier in this thread that it appears your husband pretty much does as he pleases. Your latest post is full of how your husband is actually controlling you. You do not NEED your husband's permission to attend a Bible study. Sure you WANT him to want you to go and to stay at home with the children while you go, but if he isn't willing to do that then make other arrangements. Perhaps there is another woman you can trade childcare with and take turns attending the study. Do you have any youth at your church who babysit? Bring this issue up with the person leading the study and perhaps she can help make arrangements for your children. Go the extra mile to make this happen for yourself. Your spiritual growth is a very Godly desire and something that is very beneficial to a marriage. I repeat, " You do not need your husband's permission to attend this Bible study." If you believe you do then it is time for a counseling session. Spoken with much love ((( VIW))). God tells us to follow him first. God wants you to grow. Your husband seems to want to prevent that from happening........ The question is.... WHY? If he is willing to tell you the truth about that then you may begin to see a real glimpse of his heart.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 2:56:12 PM)

quote:


...but if he isn't willing to do that then make other arrangements.


That's where the problem lies...there is no one else. We have only lived in this state for a short period of time, so I know very few people...and I trust none of them to watch my children for an undetermined (yet) amount of time. That would really send hubby over the edge. The other mothers attending the group with small children have an arrangement set up for the dad's to all go together to Chik-fil-A where there is an indoor playplace...and they can all eat. I wish hubby would do this...it would be good for him to be around other Godly men too... *sigh* I will be talking to him about the whys...and trying to convince him that this would be good for both of us... I just have a feeling that he won't see my side of this at all...



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 9:46:19 PM)

quote:

That's where the problem lies...there is no one else. We have only lived in this state for a short period of time, so I know very few people...and I trust none of them to watch my children for an undetermined (yet) amount of time.


What about his parents?

I agree with Cindy, BTW.



ta_mosquito -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/1/2008 11:31:08 PM)

I'd be ornery enough to tell him, "This is how it's gonna be. Live with it. If you're not working, take the kids with you." [8|]



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 4:03:47 PM)

Yes, yes, his parents...well, see, this is my problem with that. They will likely ask me, "Isn't *hubby* at home? Why isn't he watching them?" I would then have to tell them that he didn't approve of me going to this Bible study. Now, I agree with the belief that the husband is the head of the home, and if it isn't sinful, then the wife should do all that she can to abide by what he wishes. My in-laws also belief this, so once I told them that, I think they'd not agree to watch the kids either. So...that's why I am saying that I probably won't go. If he really doesn't want me to, then I feel like I should do what I can to do as he wants...although the coin doesn't flip the same way if the situation was reversed...as we have already found out.

I talked to the lady again today, and she asked me if I knew if I was going to be able to come or not. I told her that I had mentioned it to my husband, and we just have to wait and see what his work schedule is... I have hardly any friends here...I would love to make some new female Christian friends in the area. We have NO couples friends... married, our age, with children...NONE...so, I think it would be good for us and for them...as they are new to the area as well.

*sigh* I just don't know what else to do. It seems that there are more important issues on the table to discuss, so I feel like maybe I should let this go...BUT then, I think how nice it would be to even be able to study the Word with anyone without wondering when the kids are going to wake up, get bored, or whatever and come interupt. I mean, I believe that God called me to be a wife and a mother...and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job...better than any other job I've ever had...but is it so wrong to want ONE evening, a few hours...out of a week of 24/7 days? EVEN if the Bible study lasted for 5 hours, which I seriously doubt, but that would put us at 11 PM, so I'm just working with that...that would be 5 hours of me time out of 168 hours in a week that I put everyone first except me. [:(]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 4:18:29 PM)

what was his objection? i think we all thought it was because he didn't want to watch the children? his parents are overruling him if that's the case. if he told you that he didn't think bible studies were good, i think that's even more reason to speak to his parents about your husband's woman issue and control issue. why not reach out to this woman leading the study in another format if you can and maybe one on one time with her.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 4:26:15 PM)

I agree with Cindy too. And I'd likely be as ornery as Tricia. [;)]

quote:

Yes, yes, his parents...well, see, this is my problem with that. They will likely ask me, "Isn't *hubby* at home? Why isn't he watching them?" I would then have to tell them that he didn't approve of me going to this Bible study. Now, I agree with the belief that the husband is the head of the home, and if it isn't sinful, then the wife should do all that she can to abide by what he wishes. My in-laws also belief this, so once I told them that, I think they'd not agree to watch the kids either. So...that's why I am saying that I probably won't go. If he really doesn't want me to, then I feel like I should do what I can to do as he wants...although the coin doesn't flip the same way if the situation was reversed...as we have already found out.


But your husband is in sin. His decision is SELFISH and that is sinful. Therefore you CAN and should hold his feet to the fire. He is keeping you from interaction with other female believers whom you would be studying the word of God with. If that's not sinful then I don't know what is.

Your husband is wrong on so many levels. Are you happy with the way your marriage is? If not, you need to take action and do something about it. You told him that you don't want him to go to the restaurant. But as we can see that didn't work. He needs to be held accountable and if it takes going to his parents for that then so be it. But if you don't hold his feet to the fire then it's likely nothing will ever change much. He will remain a selfish, immature husband and father. As a fellow believer and helpmeet, you are called to hold him accountable. That means when you see him being consistently selfish, lusting after other women, ignoring the children, not being Christlike in his actions towards you and the kids etc. you are supposed to point it out to him. Do it gently at first and if he still won't listen then get more firm about it. Take it before witnesses as we are instructed to do in Matthew.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 4:32:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Your husband is wrong on so many levels. Are you happy with the way your marriage is? If not, you need to take action and do something about it.


unless venting here is enough for you? talking to us can only give you encouragement, some ideas, and support. Hislittleone is right that action is needed on your part. you may be scared to do anything and if so, let us know so we can address those fears.



SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 7:08:16 PM)

VIW,
Please do not make the mistake of thinking that just because you are a SAHM that you have to take care of the children all the time. I've been a SAHM for 18 years so I know what that is like. My children actually suffered because I took on most of the childcare and never felt like I could inconvenience my husband when my first two were little. I made up for lost time though with #3 and began to expect more from my husband. I wasn't a jerk about it but I made sure that he understood how much I needed time without the children too. I told him when I had appointments and only under extreme circumstances did I falter on not keeping my appointments. I was a much better Mom for taking time for myself and the kids enjoyed their time with their Dad. Your husband isn't the babysitter. He is your husband and the children's Father.


Let's say you decide to go to the study and your husband is home that first night. What would he do if you just walk out the door and say you'll see him in a couple of hours after your Bible study is over? Would the children be in danger or would he take care of them? He may be angry but that's okay. People get angry when they don't get their way. Do you do what people want all the time just to avoid anger and unhappiness?


I feel so sad when women feel like they need to treat their husband like a babysitter. He is the Father of the children. He helped bring them into this world and he should help take care of them. Give him the responsibility of keeping them.They need that individual time with their Dad.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 8:46:06 PM)

You ladies are so good to me. You keep pushing me in the right direction, but not being rude or ugly about it. Thank you all so much. I need a good woman to woman talk. Hubby is working tonight, so I'm home...with the children. They are almost asleep...or so I hope... Anyway......

iwillfearnoevil....he still hasn't told me his objection. He just shook his head when I was telling him about it that night, and then when I asked, he didn't respond. I didn't push for an answer. I figure that I will bring it up again tomorrow or sometime when his schedule hasn't been as full as today...he's working double shifts today...and hopefully, I can get an answer then. I have such a fear of confrontation...just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach...but the thing with the resturant flowed so smoothly and easily for me...I think it was because I had talked about it so much with you ladies that it made it easier to talk to him.
Scared to do anything? Well, yes and no. I am scared that our marriage will totally flop if I confront him. I am afraid that I will never have happy times with him again...like lately we have been watching a lot of movies because I had to turn off our cable for lack of funds to pay every month...so, it's so nice sitting here with him...cuddling with him...and him letting me lie in his lap and cry when we have one of those sad movies and laughing with him when something funny happpens....and him poking me when something is funny that he really knows I will get... It's time like that when I think...I can't confront him...these times will no longer exist...

This lady and I are meeting tomorrow morning. The kids are going to play together, and she and I will hopefully have some time to talk while keeping a watchful eye on five little ones... :) Hubby knows about this...and when he talks about it, he uses this tone like I really don't like this, but..... kind of thing... So, if he doesn't, that's fine...I WANT FRIENDS! He has friends. He has the opportunity every day to meet someone new and make a new friend. I do not. I don't understand why he doesn't get that. Yes, my family is my first priority, but does that mean that it's my only thing to do for the rest of my life? I can't imagine if I keep living my life like this when the kids are gone, I will be a friendless person...and I'll be pushing 50 by the time all of the children are of age to be out from in under my roof.

Hislittleone...am I happy with my marriage the way it is? Well, to be honest, I wasn't sure exactly how much I was unhappy with until I started venting here to you wonderful ladies and getting your feedback really hit home. I mean, I was just letting all of this slide like it was okay...and it's not. I shouldn't have to live like this...especially knowing that my husband finds other women so attrative that he would mention them in our intimate time.

SouthernBelle...you are so right. So, so, so right. I used to go workout every morning. I would come home and be so encouraged that day because I had some me time... Other times when we had Bible studies with the church and we got to get away from the kids for a while would revive me and make me feel like I could handle them so much better.
What would he do if you just walk out the door and say you'll see him in a couple of hours after your Bible study is over? Probably come running after me telling me how wrong I was to go somewhere that he didn't want me going. And yes, he'd be angry...
Would the children be in danger or would he take care of them? LOL, he'd probably go to his parents house and vent to them...
Do you do what people want all the time just to avoid anger and unhappiness? Unfortunately, a lot of the time, the answer is yes.

So, I feel like I've poured my heart out to you ladies... Hubby has been acting strange today. He says that he's just tired, and that may be true...he's worked a lot of hours today...but when I talk to him, he seems upset, he has been distant like...strange...even for him...he came home for a few hours for lunch since he was working so many hours, and it was almost like a depressive state...just different, even for him... [&:]



buckifn -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 9:38:57 PM)

In my view if I was forcing my wife to be isolated to the point she could not even attend a Bible study that is abuse.

The Bible does not teach you to be obedient to your husband (or wife) in circumstances that are abusive.

You have as much need to be out of the house as he does. Surely his dad would tell him the same?



cindybode -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/2/2008 11:52:59 PM)

Hillary, if you can do this, I want to to try to see your marriage like we're seeing it, based on what you've told us.

Your husband basically does whatever he darn well pleases, without the least bit of consideration of how it will affect you and the children. He goes where he pleases, when he pleases, with whom he pleases, even if you've told him you'd rather he didn't. He spends large amounts of money on toys for himself, without any thought to whether or not the bills are paid. He then leaves you to deal with said bills and bill collectors while he goes out and has fun. He does not include you or the children in that fun.

If you want to do anything at all for yourself, he pitches a fit. He will not allow you to have any time to yourself, any friends outside the family, any break from taking care of him and the children. He wants to control where you go, who you see, and how you behave. I would be willing to bet large sums of money that he has to approve of what you wear. If he could control how many times you sneeze in a 24 hour period, he would.

You are married to an immature, controlling, abusive man.

You are putting up with this because a) you are afraid of being a single mom and b) because you would be lonely without him. Both of those are legitimate concerns. I have been there. I understand. I went through all that myself, and I at least had the ability to quickly get a full time job with good pay. I don't know what marketable skills you have, and I know that the idea of having to support yourself and your kids, less whatever child support you might get, is enough to scare you to death. I am sure you would miss him. I'm sorry to say that when my dh left, my only emotion was relief. It was unbelievably hard for me to let him come back. I found myself wishing I could miss him. At least you're not there yet.

You're gonna have to trust me on this, because you're not seeing it from the other side, but the security and the few crumbs of attention he throws you every now and again aren't worth it. You deserve better than that. You are a princess, a child of the King, and you deserve to have someone who will love you as Christ loved the church.

Your husband might be that someone. I am getting the impression that he does love you in his own selfish way. If you really love him, then you are going to have to become his helpmeet. That doesn't mean just taking whatever he dishes out, keeping the peace and making him feel good about himself while he treats you like dirt. It means helping him to grow up and become the man God wants him to become, and in order to do that you are gonna have to get tough. You have to hold his feet to the fire until he either changes what he's doing or gets seriously burned.

You certainly can vent here all you want, and I'm glad it's helping, but if you really want your marriage to change, you are going to have to take some action.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/3/2008 4:53:34 AM)

In complete agreement with Cindy....again. [8D]

VIW, have you ever considered counseling to better learn how to deal with confrontational situations?



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/3/2008 8:56:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
iwillfearnoevil....he still hasn't told me his objection. He just shook his head when I was telling him about it that night, and then when I asked, he didn't respond. I didn't push for an answer. I figure that I will bring it up again tomorrow or sometime when his schedule hasn't been as full as today...he's working double shifts today...and hopefully, I can get an answer then. I have such a fear of confrontation...just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach...but the thing with the resturant flowed so smoothly and easily for me...I think it was because I had talked about it so much with you ladies that it made it easier to talk to him.
Scared to do anything? Well, yes and no. I am scared that our marriage will totally flop if I confront him. I am afraid that I will never have happy times with him again...like lately we have been watching a lot of movies because I had to turn off our cable for lack of funds to pay every month...so, it's so nice sitting here with him...cuddling with him...and him letting me lie in his lap and cry when we have one of those sad movies and laughing with him when something funny happpens....and him poking me when something is funny that he really knows I will get... It's time like that when I think...I can't confront him...these times will no longer exist...


good morning viw. i totally understand your concerns and they are definately vald. it's tough being in a place where you feel you have a bad marriage and any change could eliminate it cause you are thinking something is better than nothing. i've thought that before too. does your family get together with his parents at all, like for dinner after church or anything? i wonder if you could bring up the bible study in front of everybody. if the lady doesn't go to your church, you can ask his parents if they know so and so, and mention she is running a bible study.

i know cuddling and watching movies is really good, but you are only settling as a few women hear pointed out. you can have an amazing marriage that is 10 times better and you won't believe, but it'll take making some action of some sort. doing nothing, kinda endorses the status quo. praying for you and your family.



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