RE: Double Standard vent... (Full Version)

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SouthernBelleGrits -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/5/2008 11:01:45 PM)

VIW,
Still reading along and praying for you. I have a couple of questions. What do you desire from your husband? What makes you so sad and frustrated? You have given us several examples in this thread of when you have felt this way after certain situations. You describe his behavior but what is beneath it all? What are you not receiving from him that you need?

I'm asking because I believe we should strive to seek to understand the heart of each other in a marriage rather than to seek to change a spouse's behavior. As long as the focus is on the behavior and emotions instead of the driving forces ( underlying thoughts and feelings )behind the behavior and emotions then you will be on a rollercoaster of highs and lows.

I've been married for 22 years, and I really do understand how difficult communication in a marriage can be. Deep communication can happen when both husband and wife give grace freely during the conversations. When my husband and I broke down the silent wall I needed a lot of grace for yelling and running away when things got heated. He needed a lot of grace for whistling( while angry ), avoiding and shutting down. I could give loads of examples but I'll spare everyone those details and just say that my husband and I are still traveling this road. However, the communication changed when he and I gave each other the grace to truly reveal our hearts to each other. It isn't easy. I pray you and and your husband can give each other the grace to grow and deepen the communication in your marriage. God wants that for our marriages. It's vital to the survival of it.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/6/2008 5:00:32 AM)

I'm glad to know that neither of you think it's ok for a man to beat his wife. I was pretty sure that was the case but it's good to hear it anyway.

Either way though, his response to you was wrong. If you told him of things that are bothering you in the relationship and he responds with "at least I don't beat you" and "see I'm not so bad" it shows that he doesn't understand just how wrong he's been. I think that hnt was onto something about the manipulation and diversion tactics. He may not even realize that he's doing it a lot of the time.

VIW, I hope you're right though and that he is slowly starting to change for the better. You and your children deserve so much more than this. (((VIW)))



x0846 -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 6:37:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting

I am pretty sure this doesn't fit into a one stop thread because it's not about roles in the home...but if it needs to be moved...then go ahead...

I am so upset with my husband right now...I don't know what to do. He is out on his boat that he's had for only a few weeks...with other family...not me, not our children...others... Have I been on the boat? Yes, once...for about an hour...and my children were on at that time too...so basically, he has been on the boat four or five times, but with us, only once. We have out of town visitors coming today...and he left the house... I was left here with three children to get everything ready for company by myself. All of this, I can take...doesn't set well sometimes, but I CAN take it. The visitors coming today is a friend of mine from college and his wife. The guy and I were friends from the time I was 18...we spent a lot of time together, but never were a "couple." Hubby knows all of this. Anyway, the friend let me know what time he'd be here...so, I let hubby know. Hubby calls me a while ago, and says, "We are going to a new place this time." Like I really wanted to hear that he was exploring new places with someone other than me...but I said, "Okay. Do you have any idea when you will be home?" He tells me...and says, "What?" He could tell that I wasn't happy. I said that I would like to clean MYSELF up a little before anyone came over. He said, "Who is coming over?" I told him that he knew, and he said that no one was coming over until we wanted them to. I said, "Well, I told you what time he's expecting to be here." He said that he knew, but he could do something else until he was ready for him to come into our house. I THINK that he didn't want him coming to visit without him home...which is understandable...but if that's his attitude...then tell me why this next situation even happened.....

We had a new neighbor move in. He didn't know her, didn't know she was moving in, but decided that when he saw a moving truck, he'd go see if anyone needed help. So, he was there helping her for a few hours get moved in. Then he came home and told me how great she looked...and told me about all of her womanly features...things that I didn't want to know about...then mentioning that she had dogs that were untrained, so he offered to help her train them. Then a few nights later when we were in bed, he said her name...I froze, stared at him, and said, "Don't do that again. I don't like that." He said okay and hasn't done it since, but it hurt so much...and it still does. So, later, I see him outside with the boys, and she comes out with the dogs...they are all playing with the dogs...and he said that she offered to let the boys go with her next time that she takes them to the park. So, just a few days ago, hubby took the boys for a walk, they "ran into" her, and she invited them to go to the dog park. Our little girl was in bed asleep...so I had to stay home with her. He came in and said, "We are going to the dog park with....." I said, "Now?" Meaning that I didn't think he should be going anywhere with a girl without me along...even if the kids were with him...but he went.

Now, how is this different? It seems to me that I should be the one upset about him going somewhere with a girl that he obviously finds attractive rather than him being upset about me seeing a friend and his wife that I had the opportunity to do whatever we wanted to do with him for 5 years, but never did... ARGH! I am so upset right now that I don't even know what to do with myself.............................


1. You should NOT have invited an 'old boyfriend' to your home.
2. Maybe he did the neighbor thing to show you how it feels.

3. Stop the drama and move on.



x0846 -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 6:49:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

I don't know if you're husband is a Christian but this isn't how a Christian husband should behave. It's selfish behavior. When a man gets married his time is no longer his own (Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker & S. Arterburn). A Christlike husband would have stayed home to help his wife get ready for company.....not gone out to play leaving his wife with all the work. I can definitely understand why you are upset. [&:]

I'm even more concerned with the whole neighbor issue though.

quote:

Then he came home and told me how great she looked...and told me about all of her womanly features...things that I didn't want to know about...then mentioning that she had dogs that were untrained, so he offered to help her train them. Then a few nights later when we were in bed, he said her name...I froze, stared at him, and said, "Don't do that again. I don't like that."


This is DEEPLY disturbing. I would be concerned that something inappropriate is going on with the neighbor or if it's not already going on then it has the potential to develope. Nip it in the bud while you can. Put your foot down on this issue. I would have a HUGE problem if my husband described any other woman's "womanly features". Afterall, a married man has no business looking at other women's "womanly features" ESPECIALLY if he's a Christian. Not to mention that he said her name while in bed with you. That's sick. It's completely immoral/sinful if it's in the context I'm thinking it was in. [:'(]

I agree with Tricia that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he doesn't want you doing it then he shouldn't be doing it either.

I'm sorry you're going through this.


A 'Christian like' woman wouldn't invite an old boyfriend to her home. If I were her husband I'd have gone boating too.

What I find DEEPLY disturbing is all the speculation without any evidence of any wrong doing on his part. Standing there in front of your husband and laying down the law with your HUGE problem with an attitude to boot, I'd be out the door.....gone fishin.



ta_mosquito -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 10:28:52 AM)

quote:

A 'Christian like' woman wouldn't invite an old boyfriend to her home. If I were her husband I'd have gone boating too.

1. She asked him about it originally; he agreed/consented to the visit.
2. The guy is married now; his wife was also visiting.

You make it sound like some sordid liaison. [8|]

quote:

What I find DEEPLY disturbing is all the speculation without any evidence of any wrong doing on his part.

Calling out another woman's name while being intimate with one's wife is no "evidence of any wrong doing"? Explain how a man could do that innocently, please.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 10:33:41 AM)

Good post, Tricia. Exactly what I was going to say. So now I don't have to say it.[:D]



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 1:55:21 PM)

Now I've heard it all. I was the one who did wrong in this situation...?? Hahaha...lol! The FRIEND wasn't a BOYFRIEND. He and I were never a "couple." We were only friends for a very long time. We never even so much as held hands, much less considered one another more than friends. My husband and this friend have met several times in the past. We have went to his home to visit he and his wife, and now they have visited us. It was a decision that both of us had agreed to a long time ago...his in-laws live in a nearby city, so we told him that when he comes to visit them, to stop by and see us. So, it wasn't me inviting an old boyfriend...it was one couple inviting another couple for a visit....

Obviously this person didn't read the entire thread or there is no way they could say that my husband did nothing wrong. He even admitted and apologized for the wrong doings...so now, he obviously sees that he's done something wrong.

We have both been working hard on improving our marriage. We have both caught ourselves a few times not being as loving or respectful as we should, stopped ourselves, and changed our tone and attitude about the situation. It's been nice to see that we are both working on it...and not just a one-sided thing...



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 2:50:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ta_mosquito

quote:

A 'Christian like' woman wouldn't invite an old boyfriend to her home. If I were her husband I'd have gone boating too.

1. She asked him about it originally; he agreed/consented to the visit.
2. The guy is married now; his wife was also visiting.

You make it sound like some sordid liaison. [8|]

quote:

What I find DEEPLY disturbing is all the speculation without any evidence of any wrong doing on his part.

Calling out another woman's name while being intimate with one's wife is no "evidence of any wrong doing"? Explain how a man could do that innocently, please.


Ditto that.

Visitorinwaiting:
quote:

It's been nice to see that we are both working on it...and not just a one-sided thing...


That's good to hear. [:)]



MrsTracy72 -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/8/2008 7:12:04 PM)

I am glad to hear you guys are working on things. Don't listen to people who throw around accusations though. You know your marriage and you know the type of life you and your husband live so only YOU really know what is going on. Nothing is your fault and you know that. Your husband knows that he has a part to play in this, and the neighbor needs to know that yes, there are boundries. It is inappropriate for a married man to be alone with a woman married or unmarried without another person there. That is just my opinion. I also think it is inappropriate for a married woman to be alone with a man married or unmarried. And your friend brought his wife so it wasn't like you were alone together, and you know your heart. It is with your husband, not your married friend. Don't feel bad because someone didn't know what they were talking about. Just work on your relationship and get a babysitter and get out once in a while. being home with the kids all day takes its toll on everybody.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/9/2008 9:26:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72
Nothing is your fault and you know that.


not quite sure you meant that but we know that no one is perfect and thus some blame can be assigned to both parties. it is very clear from our viewpoint that OP's husband is engaging in very thoughtless behavior and at least an emotional affair but OP has mentioned her problems as well.



Hislittleone -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/9/2008 3:12:24 PM)

Iwillfearnoevil, I think MrsTracy was referring to another post that essentially put all the blame on VIW in these specific situations. MrsTracy was just pointing out that it's the husband who is acting inappropriately in the situations being addressed here. That's the way it came across to me anyway. [:)]

VIW, how are you doing? I hope things are still going well at home.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/10/2008 2:36:44 PM)

Thanks for asking...things are going well...we are still being very patient with one another, yet expressing everything we want to...we have both failed a few times already, but change like this will take some time to correct. As far as other women are concerned and anything to deal with them, that has gone...so far...so all is going much better still. Thanks so much to all of you who encouraged me to speak up!



evryknee -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/10/2008 7:40:23 PM)

You're probably doing this VIW, but I'd thought I'd mention it anyway. He will need some encouragement for his change in behavior - meaning that you state that you feel you can talk more open to him now that he has not been as angry or demanding, you appreciate him and how he wants to be a better hubby and father, that he has been listening to you, etc. For the respect part that you said you have not been good at at times, this would be good.

It's also OK to mention the fears that things will go back (assuming this is a fear), so to make some goals (like date night with the in-laws watching the kids), cuddling, etc. He may desire a few changes also, so this may be a question for him. May the Lord bless you and your hubby as you seek Him.



MrsTracy72 -> RE: Double Standard vent... (7/12/2008 8:43:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72
Nothing is your fault and you know that.


not quite sure you meant that but we know that no one is perfect and thus some blame can be assigned to both parties. it is very clear from our viewpoint that OP's husband is engaging in very thoughtless behavior and at least an emotional affair but OP has mentioned her problems as well.


Yes, I was referring to an earlier post where the blame was placed almost entirely on her. Everybody has problems, but she did everything right. She invited a couple over to the house, her husband was consulted and agreed to that visit, then went off and made himself invisible when THEIR guests arrived, and was being inappropriate with a neighbor.



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