BrokenHeartInMarriage

BrokenHeartInMarriage (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Marriage

Message

humangirl2u -> BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/2/2008 2:04:54 PM)
Hello. If anyone else has been through this, I sure would like to know anything successful you did to bring about change & get your needs met. EMOTIONALLY STARVED We've bn married 2 1/2 yrs. My husband is so distracted with everything lately, that when I talk to him about MY day he says things like "Honey please try to be more understanding, I have a lot on my mind right now", or "I'm sorry for not paying attention honey, I'm just tired", or he will mock me (well at least it sounds mocking to me) by saying "I'll tell you what honey, when I get home tonight, we can talk about dogs or birds if you want". The part that really hurts is that there seems to be a double-standard... does it sound to you like there is or could I be misreading into it? ** When he talks to me about ANYTHING, he gets highly offended if I don't give him my undivided attention (he actually gets hurt by it - even if I have a good reason; like I didnt hear him - which is sometimes the truth!) - then it becomes an argument cause he'll say something like "yeah! sure you didn't hear me; and he'll start to treat me like I'm lying - which then causes more problems... * His lack of attention to me & such high demand of my attention to me makes me feel so unimportant that I've been losing valuable self confidence & self esteem & even motivation to get out of bed in the morning sometimes; and I've been unable to even desire intimacy with him; because I feel so mistreated & used by him. I want this marriage to work, but I feel like I'm doing allllllll the hard work & he's just expecting things to be great without his sacrificing anything at all. I don't know what else to do...... I've apologized for when I've hurt him. I've forgiven him time, time & time again for things he hasn't even tried to change, I've prayed, I've stayed, I've listened... and now I'm just plain TIRED from the constant struggle for my own husband to care about the little things that matter to me.... I'm disgusted with it so much that I don't even Want to stay & try much more..... On top of this all, we argue ALL the time; about anyting we try to resolve, so that's obviously not the answer. The things I've told him really bother me that he does, he only continues to do & we argue over it time & time again; with no resolve. So, he doesn't hear me or meet my emotional needs (and this has been going on throughout our marriage & I am dying emotionally)... ANY SUCCESS STORIES? thank you very much. DM

PatricksPeaches -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/2/2008 2:12:54 PM)
Would he be open to some kind of counseling with you? I think couples can benefit from counseling at any stage/problem in their relationship. My husband and I go to biblical counseling through our church. It has been a blessing for me because it helps me to understand my husband better without confrontation. Men and women are different and that is something I am learning about.

ChoirDJ -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/2/2008 4:33:36 PM)
I agree with the previous poster that some counseling might be in order. It seems that both of you may be able to benefit from a better understanding of how the other thinks and what the other needs. Keep in mind on that the average woman has 4 times as much to say as her male counterpart and that's neither good or bad, just different. What it equates to is the importance of understanding that many of your emotional needs will be best met by other women (who can better empathize with you) and, of course, God through prayer. Many men feel overwhelmed by a sensory load of information and it's not necessarily anything personal. It's just the way men are built but there should obviously be a balance in your communication needs.

jaimestarcross -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/2/2008 6:01:16 PM)
What type of things are keeping him so distracted is this work or outside interests? You have to regulate how much of your attention he gets - don't be afraid to say honey, I'm not up for this right now. It takes two people to argue - if you've told him that you honestly didn't hear something he said - then that's is that. He may say "yeah right" but don't take the bait to snowball the matter into a fuss... go find something else to do - even if it's going for a walk or dropping by to see a neighbor... go and calm down before facing him again! Don't depend upon your spouse to keep your self confidence/self esteem up - your motivation to do things is Christ - not your husband. Remember the Proverbs 31 Woman (composite description?) The focus of this portrait is a woman’s relationship with God, not her specific abilities or marital status. Her priorities are determined by God’s will, not her own. She is concerned about what God thinks, rather than with what other people think. She recognizes her need for God.

csl7037 -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/2/2008 6:20:48 PM)
My dh just left a miserable job that he had for 11 years - praise the Lord! There were so many times in that job where he was just MAXED OUT after a day of dealing with the contant barrage of demands and complaints. It wasn't always that way but enough. It was especially hard when I first quit my job to stay home with the kids, though. I admit I was a bit insecure about that big life change for me but there were so many times I thought he just didn't think my life or my struggles were important. There may have been a bit of that but, mostly, I came to realize that sometimes he just couldn't handle one more thing when he got home - good, bad, or indifferent...some days he just could not process one more sentence. If life is always that way, it's a real problem. But for life to sometimes be that way is somewhat inevitable. There could be a million other issues as well. It could just be a rough season at work or whatever for him. But you've only been married a short time - there could be adjustments to that he's still not figured out. There could be things about HIM you've not figured out. Counselling might be a good idea because someone else could probably help you both identify some of those areas and make more sense of each other. But if this is an extraordinarily stressful time for him at work, it might just be a time where a little more grace would go a long way.

evryknee -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/2/2008 8:24:51 PM)
Too often I see couple seeking to get their "needs" met through their spouse - focusing on changing them so they will be the perfect spouse. James 4:1 says:"What causes fights & quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires of your heart? You kill & you covet. You do not have because you do not ask God." Though I understand your hurt, your emotional "needs" are first to be met by God. He gives you your esteem. He gives you your value. Your man will fail you - but God will not. Reading the Search for Significance by Robert McGee may help you in this journey.

TMeeks -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/3/2008 10:19:03 AM)
I have mentioned this before. But, there is a business book called, "Fish!" that includes a principle that all couples could benefit by. That principle is called, "BE THERE" "Being There" is simply taking the time to block out everything around us and turning out attention to the person directly in front of us. It seems to that both of you could benefit by learning how to do this better. Sometimes, the problems that you describe can be caused by problems in the cingulate area of the brain. When this area of the brain has issues, it is very difficult for the person to switch gears from one focus to another. One of your sentences indicates that you are calling him at work and want his immediate attention while he is still focused on work issues. If this is the case, then I'd suggest that both of you choose a time when each of you has wound down from the day's events to discuss what is important to both of you. A lot of what I read in your message is a simple misunderstanding of the differences between the way a woman's brain is structured and a man's brain is structured. Yes. They ARE constructed differently. Try 'Being there' for HIM and see if that doesn't change some things on his part toward you.

futuremartyr -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/3/2008 10:17:05 PM)
I know when my husband and I realized how selfish we really were, began to work through it. Not that we aren't stil sefish at times, but we work through it together and try to catch it in time. Communication (without anger) is the key.

mrsmatt323 -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/26/2008 9:54:23 PM)
You marriage sounds a lot like mine...only I've been married 3 months. My husband is still living like a single person...it's an adjustment for him and it will take time before he gets into the role of being a married man. I think that is our problem...I'm in the role of a wife and I'm set and ready to go and he's still on the sideline. I think he is afraid to fail so instead of just dealing with failure he choses to just do his own thing and not include me. We've had several talks on this and thankfully we've gotten some good Biblical advice. He's willing to work on it and I have to be patient and continue to pray for him. I've been told that behind every good husband there is a praying wife.

hnt -> RE: BrokenHeartInMarriage (6/27/2008 2:16:19 PM)
quote: ** When he talks to me about ANYTHING, he gets highly offended if I don't give him my undivided attention (he actually gets hurt by it - even if I have a good reason; like I didnt hear him - which is sometimes the truth!) - then it becomes an argument cause he'll say something like "yeah! sure you didn't hear me; and he'll start to treat me like I'm lying - which then causes more problems... * His lack of attention to me & such high demand of my attention to me makes me feel so unimportant that I've been losing valuable self confidence & self esteem & even motivation to get out of bed in the morning sometimes; and I've been unable to even desire intimacy with him; because I feel so mistreated & used by him. Brokenheart: If what you say is true is sounds like your spouse is a bit insecure. I don't care how overwhelmed he is, etc if you can't stop and repeat yourself when your spouse says they didn't hear you without getting offended under normal circumstances - that is a HIM issue not YOU! There comes a time in which you must just tell him that you will speak to him when he is ready to repeat himself in a respectful tone. You are very willing and wanting to hear what he has to say! You will not allow him to make you feel like you are lieing. Remember it could go one of two ways. He could get even more irraited, and could give you all kinds of excuses. The second is that he apologizes in a sincere manner about making you feel that way firstly, and then you continue. People that are going to get upset about this are normally ones that don't respect boundaries, and don't be surprised that he gets upset by you NOT being willing to continue the conversation. Its NOT out of being disrespectful back - or to make your point in a ugly fashion - its for you to have healthy boundaries to feel better about yourself and the situation. You can't always deal rationally with a person that doesn't wish to be rational. Pick a time in which you feel he is receptive. YOu need to for him to hear you about YOUR feelings! Mention that you like to try some marriage classes, counseling - whatever you both feel comfortable with. If he is not willing then find it for yourself. Remember anyone can be a ugly at times, and everyone can go thru times of stress, etc. If its a pattern of behavior that is hurting you, and your spouse is not willing to acknowledge or work on it....its MORE than 'communication' etc. Its time for help, and even if he is not willing...go and fine help for yourself. Its not a matter of getting your emotional needs met - its a manner of being acknowledged as a person that has feelings, hopes, dreams, etc like anyone else! God will help you on that path. Education of what you are dealing with at times is a huge help! Learning to place healthy boundaries for yourself - even if your spouse doesn't appreciate it - is NOT to cause trouble! Everyone is allowed within that realm. Some people just don't like it, and that is more their issue than it is yours! [;)]

Page: [1]

Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI