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needtochange -> my first post is a doozy (6/2/2008 10:42:35 PM)

Well this is my first post here and it is a doozy.

I have been married for a little over four years. We have been having a very hard time financially, in our marriage and with life in general. We were talking and we know our life is such a mess because we do not have a spiritual life at all. WE have many excuses why we don't, but none of them are really good excuses.

Anyhow, I want to be a good Christian woman. I know in order to do this, I need to confess a very big sin to my husband and I am so scared.

I have cheated on my husband several times. Most of the cheating was done before we were actually married, but i have cheated once three weeks after we were married. He knows that something happened after we were married, but I lied and downplayed the situation. As far as I know, he is clueless about the cheating.

I love my husband. I want to make my marriage work, but I am scared to tell him. I am afraid he will leave me. I have been faithful for the last four years and I am confident that I would never cheat again.

I do believe I am bi-polar and that had a lot to do with my actions, but it doesn't excuse them. I disgraced myself and my husband. The guilt eats me up inside.

Can a marriage really survive adultery? For the last four years, I just felt that telling him would be worse for him. I felt like it would kill him if he finds out. However, I know if we really want to become a good christian family, I need to come clean. We can't have any lies between us. Is telling him actually going to help us, or hurt us more?

I need to tell him soon. We are currently living in his hometown in Puerto Rico, but we will be moving back to the states in the next two weeks. I feel like I need to tell him before we leave. That way if he decides to leave me, he doesn't have to be stuck in the states.

DOes anyone have any advice? Any books I should read?



lisadz -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 12:22:53 AM)

First off, I commend that you realize that God needs to be the center of your relationship.
Second, bless you for staying faithful to your husnband.

I pray that he won't decide to leave you. I am battling the consequences of an adulterous affair. I am on the verge of losing everything and praying with all I am that God restore my marriage.
I pray that you won't have to go down this road.

I will keep you in my prayers that your husband be understanding if you decide to tell him.
What has God revealed to you when you pray about this situation? Gosh, I wish I knew the answer to tell you about whether you should tell him or not, but I just don't!

PLEASE continue to be faithful to your husband.

I hope some one here can post a resourceful site or verses that can help you.


Oh!! By the way...have you truly and whole heartedly asked for God's forgiveness for your past actions?



jaimestarcross -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 12:59:26 AM)

Waiting too long can cause a lot of harm to the marriage... a lot of people feel if you waited years to reveal the adultery that the whole marriage is false and they got used by the person they loved.
There's a big risk involved but you know that already... now you are going to have to tell your husband the truth and face the consequences. This is what happens when one plays with fire... you may get burned.

The best book to read is the Bible... because that is where we find real help and
healing... regardless if our spouses leave or not - It is the Lord who'll see you through it all - Christ is forever faithful and His promises are true - He'll never Leave you!
Give it all to Him and allow Christ to work His perfect Will in your life and bring healing to your heart.

*I recommend reading Psalm 51



lightshineon -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 2:25:33 AM)

I m going to say something that many may disagree with, and do not know where I stand on it either. I read Reverand Billy Graham saying, that if there is some sin in the past such as this, sometimes it is better not to confess it, if it will bring destruction. I do not know for sure what you should do. If the Holy Spirit, ask you to confess it to husband pray earnestly for timing, and fast and pray before telling him to give you the words to say. Blessings.



car2ner -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 5:51:49 AM)

I agree with ^. What is the real reason for announcing this foolishness? Is it just because you want to free yourself of guilt?
If God wants you to let your husband know about this, then fast and pray and ask for perfect timing, etc. And no excuses. But really do examine the WHY you feel that you need to do this.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 6:49:25 AM)

quote:

I agree with ^. What is the real reason for announcing this foolishness? Is it just because you want to free yourself of guilt?
If God wants you to let your husband know about this, then fast and pray and ask for perfect timing, etc. And no excuses. But really do examine the WHY you feel that you need to do this.


I agree with this. Generally, I think we ought to confess our sins, however, sometimes we do it to assuage our own guilt, and that can be very destructive.

Fast and pray about this, I do agree with that!

Also, have you been diagnosed bipolar and given meds? It is *not* an excuse for bad behavior, but if you do have the disorder, you need help.



lastblast -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 8:38:55 AM)

And I will have to disagree with some of the posters who feel it better to keep this secret. The fact is that you sinned against YOUR HUSBAND---your one flesh. I personally believe that the Lord is most likely dealing with you now. Am I right? Are you "hearing" all around you----in sermons, in the Word, etc............."come clean..............trust me"?

If so, the Lord IS dealing with you----desiring to bring YOU to a closer walk with HIM. In addition, this has to do with your marriage and the ONENESS of your union. If this remains "hidden" and the Lord wanted you to bring it out in the open, you will be tormented not because of your past sin, but because you are being disobedient to the Lord in hiding your sin NOW when He wants it disclosed. It may very well be that the Lord is bringing this to the forefront at this time so that you will be brought to a greater place of trusting HIM, and so that your husband will be brought to a place of TRULY walking out forgiveness. The truth is, the Lord uses HURTS against us to grow us as well (in regards to your husband). If your husband refuses to forgive you, it will hurt his relationship with God and stunt his spiritual growth. When one DOES forgive offenses, it is amazing the spiritual transformation/growth a person goes through. Many times in such cases, the Lord will bring to remembrance what the offended did to hurt OTHERS in their past----ouch, so that makes forgiving the spouse who sinned, easier---if their heart is right/humble.

Can a marriage survive adultery??? Absolutely!!!!!! When the hearts of the persons involved are focused on the LORD, though it is a HARD thing to go through, many come out on the other side with a MUCH stronger marriage ------and the one who sins against the other, has GREAT thankfulness to the Lord AND their spouse who forgave them much.



TMeeks -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 10:05:05 AM)

Ask yourself. What is the most important aspect of this situation?

Isn't it to build a long-term, solid marriage? If so, it seems to me that there are two very important considerations.

One is to seriously deal with the potential bi-polar aspects in your makeup. Find out if your instincts that you may be bi-polar are true and take steps to correct that medical condition. Prevention is worth a pound of cure and if this condition had anything to do with your poor choices then it would be wise to try to prevent a recurrance.

The other consideration is that the goal is to not to salve your quilt; but, to turn your life around. Repentence is not simply about 'feeling sorry'. It is about turning around our lives and running in the opposite direction of sin. You have confessed this sin to God and have been cleansed. If there is any way that your husband would find out about your sin then it would be a reason for telling him.

But, if there isn't a way for him to find out then my own personal feelings is that you would be doing far more harm than good in your 'confession'. You would be opening a can of worms that are best left unopened and for no real Biblical reason. Confession to another has to do with reconciliation and rebuilding. In a case like this the breech that revealing your sin would cause would go on for years... not days and months. It's simply NOT worth it.

What IS worth it is to set your sights on making your marriage strong, healthy and supportive of your husband. Use the spiritual energy you have to live the life that Christ wants you to live. The past is dead. It's gone. It's done. To confess to your husband is to resurrect the past and harm the 'now' and the 'future'. The forgiveness of Jesus Christ is not about the past. It is about His cleansing power to make a righteous future. Focus on that with your husband and leave the past where it belongs.



APZR -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 3:34:52 PM)

quote:

I have cheated on my husband several times.


Not going to menace the meat... with such a pattern of behavior, I'd be gone in a heart beat! One time while dating is one thing, one time while a marriage is in trouble is another, and both may be recoverable. But a pattern of cheating before and after would very likely mean the end of the marriage. As others have said, the past before salvation and repentance is the past...



pbaribeault -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/3/2008 3:45:15 PM)

My vote is for
quote:

if there is some sin in the past such as this, sometimes it is better not to confess it, if it will bring destruction. I do not know for sure what you should do. If the Holy Spirit, ask you to confess it to husband pray earnestly for timing, and fast and pray before telling him to give you the words to.



laura... -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/4/2008 9:56:16 AM)

quote:

I have been married for a little over four years. We have been having a very hard time financially, in our marriage and with life in general. We were talking and we know our life is such a mess because we do not have a spiritual life at all. WE have many excuses why we don't, but none of them are really good excuses.


Confessing your sin to your husband is not what will make your family a good Christian family. What will bring you closer to God is choosing to follow Jesus in all your ways. Confess to God your sins. Ask for forgiveness. Ask Jesus to take control of your life. Start making godly choices. Get into a bible believing and teaching church. Live for Christ.

quote:

I do believe I am bi-polar and that had a lot to do with my actions, but it doesn't excuse them. I disgraced myself and my husband. The guilt eats me up inside.


Just as a manic episode of bipolar could have contributed to your cheating on your husband, it can also be contributing to your "urgent" need to confess now. One of the markings of bipolar disorder is the inability to weigh the consequences of impulsive actions. You need to seriously weigh the consequence of confessing to your husband before you do so. I recommend that you do not confess until you get a definite diagnoses and have been under any necessary treatment. You need to be stable and capable of weighing the consequences before any confessions to your husband.



LoyalFriend -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/4/2008 4:11:29 PM)

If, you are bipolar you need to be evaluated by a doctor and get proper treatment. From reading your story you appear to be fully aware of your wrongful actions. You do need to tell your husband the truth about what you have done for you have done him wrong and have been lying to him about it. A marriage or a life built upon lies is not God's way. God is truth and he always leads toward truth and to walk in truth.

It may be difficult to tell him and you may want to get yourself a support person who can pray with you through this time.



LoyalFriend -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/4/2008 4:19:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lastblast

And I will have to disagree with some of the posters who feel it better to keep this secret. The fact is that you sinned against YOUR HUSBAND---your one flesh. I personally believe that the Lord is most likely dealing with you now. Am I right? Are you "hearing" all around you----in sermons, in the Word, etc............."come clean..............trust me"?

If so, the Lord IS dealing with you----desiring to bring YOU to a closer walk with HIM. In addition, this has to do with your marriage and the ONENESS of your union. If this remains "hidden" and the Lord wanted you to bring it out in the open, you will be tormented not because of your past sin, but because you are being disobedient to the Lord in hiding your sin NOW when He wants it disclosed. It may very well be that the Lord is bringing this to the forefront at this time so that you will be brought to a greater place of trusting HIM, and so that your husband will be brought to a place of TRULY walking out forgiveness. The truth is, the Lord uses HURTS against us to grow us as well (in regards to your husband). If your husband refuses to forgive you, it will hurt his relationship with God and stunt his spiritual growth. When one DOES forgive offenses, it is amazing the spiritual transformation/growth a person goes through. Many times in such cases, the Lord will bring to remembrance what the offended did to hurt OTHERS in their past----ouch, so that makes forgiving the spouse who sinned, easier---if their heart is right/humble.

Can a marriage survive adultery??? Absolutely!!!!!! When the hearts of the persons involved are focused on the LORD, though it is a HARD thing to go through, many come out on the other side with a MUCH stronger marriage ------and the one who sins against the other, has GREAT thankfulness to the Lord AND their spouse who forgave them much.


I am on the same page with not keeping secrets and lying to our spouses about things. I don't see that as of God. Satan is a liar not God.



manda59 -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/4/2008 8:16:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoyalFriend
I am on the same page with not keeping secrets and lying to our spouses about things. I don't see that as of God. Satan is a liar not God.



No-one is advocating lying and I think it is totally wrong to infer that anyone here has done this.



lastblast -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 8:26:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: needtochange

However, I know if we really want to become a good christian family, I need to come clean. We can't have any lies between us.


Amanda,

She most certainly does view this secret as a "lie between us". Many posters are telling her NOT to expose what she feels is a lie----in other words, encouraging what she feels is a lie. Whether one chooses to call non-disclosure of a sin perpetrated against one's spouse a "lie" or a "misrepresentation" of one's role as a faithful spouse, it matters not. She is feeling convicted and that is the issue. To tell someone NOT to disclose something so important, when God in fact may be dealing with her, is to go against God. To say, and I'm sorry to have to disagree with what Billy Graham said, that one should not disclose due to the possible destruction of the marriage, is to say WE are God and WE have to control what WE feel our spouses can handle. I very much see that as leaving God out of the equation. The Lord may be desiring to do just as much of a work in her husband as He is doing in her in bringing her to the point of choosing what SHE will do in this. Blessings................



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 10:02:32 AM)

i think you need to confess especially with the feelings of guilt but even without you should ... dr harley states this really well here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html if you look at the section: Should an affair be revealed? there is more in that article for you to read and consider...

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.



lastblast -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 10:33:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

i think you need to confess especially with the feelings of guilt but even without you should ... dr harley states this really well here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html if you look at the section: Should an affair be revealed? there is more in that article for you to read and consider...

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.


EXCELLENT counsel!



buckifn -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 4:07:25 PM)

Guilt is no reason to confess an affair and will not resolve the problems in your spiritual walk or your marriage.

Guilt can be a tool of the enemy to bring more destruction. I advise you to fast and pray and seek God's guidance through prayers, through reading His Word, and through a Godly counselor. I also advice you to seek medical treatment for the conditions you mentioned such as possibly being bi-polar. That is not something to take lightly.

Unloading your guilt onto your husband is looking for the easy way out and there is no such thing. One part of sin the devil never shows us until it is too late is the guilt and shame as a result of choices we make.



LoyalFriend -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 4:22:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

i think you need to confess especially with the feelings of guilt but even without you should ... dr harley states this really well here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html if you look at the section: Should an affair be revealed? there is more in that article for you to read and consider...

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.


This the best advice being offered here!! I agree that honesty is not what hurts it is the affair and it is disrespectful to them. The secrets also keep them in bondage.



needtochange -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 6:39:08 PM)

Thank you all for your advice. I have been checking back in everyday to see what everyone has been saying. It is amazing how many different view points there are.

I have decided to wait to tell him until after I see a doctor. That way I can make the decision with a clear mind.

I appreciate everyone giving their honest opinions and I look forward to reading any other advice that may be given. I am taking everyone's advice into consideration.



buckifn -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 7:00:43 PM)

revealing truth does not in, and of itself bring healing. Revealing the truth with the wrong motive, such as guilt, can do more damage than even the initial sin. The Bible is clear on this: speaking the truth IN LOVE. the op does not make it clear LOVE for her husband is the motivation here, but they did speak several times about guilt.


I encourage the op to read Ephesians 4:15 and allow the Holy Spirit to examine your heart. If love is not your motive do not tell your husband simply to unload guilt.



LoyalFriend -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/5/2008 9:01:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

revealing truth does not in, and of itself bring healing. Revealing the truth with the wrong motive, such as guilt, can do more damage than even the initial sin. The Bible is clear on this: speaking the truth IN LOVE. the op does not make it clear LOVE for her husband is the motivation here, but they did speak several times about guilt.


The bible also tells us to love our neighbor as ourself. How loving is devoting a lifetime with a spouse who broke their wedding vows, became one flesh with another and continues to hide it from you. Where did Jesus ever teach us to lie to others or to wrong them with without ever coming to repentance with that person?

This is a sad day when christians are teaching a message like this in my opinion.



laura... -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/6/2008 9:33:25 AM)

quote:

I have decided to wait to tell him until after I see a doctor. That way I can make the decision with a clear mind.


A very good decision.



Hislittleone -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/7/2008 1:54:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laura...

quote:

I have decided to wait to tell him until after I see a doctor. That way I can make the decision with a clear mind.


A very good decision.


I agree with this. Wait till you see a doctor and are on meds that are working. Also, I think it's be very wise to wait until you are back home in the States. If he got mad and just up and left you sitting in the house in PR would you be able to get yourself back to America without his (or his family's help?). If not, then definitely wait to tell him.

But I do think that he needs to be told. Keeping something from someone is hiding and hiding something is the same as lying. It's dishonesty. If you are ONE (as Scripture says) then your other half shouldn't keep secrets from you. It's not up to you to decide whether or not he'll want to stay with a spouse who commited adultery. It's not up to you to decide if he can handle the truth or not. These should be his decisions. He probably suspects something happened anyway. I think most betrayed spouses have a sense that something's happened even if they don't actually know the details.

ETA: Sin thrives in darkness. Bring it to the light but just be wise about where and when you tell him.



NotMyHome -> RE: my first post is a doozy (6/7/2008 5:46:55 PM)

My husband had an emotional affair a year and a half ago. it came with in a thread of crushing my marriage. The trust is still not all back. being the one cheated on I can only say I am not so sure telling would be good. But not telling any one would be very bad because if he ever finds out he will never trust you again.

I would go to a pastor for counsel. tell him everything and ask what to do. If he says don't tell him, and then your husband finds out, you can prove through the pastor that you sought counsel and truly tried to do the right thing.

if the pastor tells you to tell him, pray hard about it. I am thinking you will need to tell him cause some day he may ask, were you ever tempted by another man. Think of the shock when he finds out you have had this secret for years! If you come clean and tell him instead of him finding out you have the chance he will see you are sorry, it is over, and you came clean on your own. Trust me these things would mean a lot. I found out about my husband by snooping. I will wonder for the rest of my life if it would have ended on it's own had I not found out.

either way you need to give ALL you life over to God. This means you immerse yourself in living each day to glorify God in what you say, do, think, see, and hear and speak!!!! Living for God means putting him first, your spouse should be second, and you are last on the list.



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