I know what's right! Can't focus though. (Full Version)

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freakofnature -> I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 10:22:49 AM)

Gentlemen;

I have come to a road in my life that I once never thought possible for me. Years ago, I dated a young woman we can call Shelly. Oh my! The way I felt for her was a feeling I have never had before and have never had again. I remember pretty much everything from her hair, her smile, even her scent. The most beautiful girl evah... But one day, I was being a bit of a... let's say, child, and I broke up with Shelly, never anticipating that we would not get back together, I really just wanted to make a point. OOOPPS! She soon left our church with her family and moved on, meeting another man who was older than I and with a steady income... blah blah.. ya' know just better than I thought I was.

Well anyway, she got married. They have had a difficult time. Please keep in mind this was 16 years ago. I have not stopped thinking about her since. Yes, I am married, yes I have kids and I adore my wife I love her, my wife, for all that she is and all that she does, but it doesn't compare to the love I feel for Shelly, never has and I am affraid it never will. Well... I ran into Shelly this past weekend. I mean, I have moved out of the same state where we grew up, but I returned this week for a funeral, I was not with my family and she not with hers. NOTHING HAPPENED, at least physically. She is miserable, her husband does not respond to her needs at all. He is into porn on the internet and she is trying to stay in God's will and continues to go to church and raise her kids, but miserable none the less. Her and I were meant to be, I've always known it, and it is one of those kinds of feelings, it was a natural fit. I miss her. I know what is right but I can't help but want to take her out of the life that I basically gave her because I was being childish. I am angry at God for not stepping in. I have only been married 4 years, if I would have known that this would be like this for her, I would never have married I would have continued to wait... Guys, I need help...



waitingforreturn -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 10:33:36 AM)

You need to get a hold of yourself and reality.
YOU HAVE KIDS! Stay completely away from this other woman. Do NOT contact her. You werent meant to be. If you were.....you would be. But your not.
You talk about your selfishness when you were younger. What about your selfishness now to your wife and kids. You could destroy your kids' life if you seek this woman.
Now go love on your wife and give her your attention!



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 10:45:57 AM)

quote:

You werent meant to be. If you were.....you would be. But your not.


This pretty well sums it up, my confussion anyway! I can't say that we weren't meant to be. It was through our own selfishness that caused us to be out of God's will for our lives. We separated ourselves from God at that point.



jn1010lf -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 11:28:33 AM)

Hello freakofnature

This is an impression. You've never outgrown your first love as a teen ager. If that's so, you need to seek the Lord for maturity so you can move on with your life. Have I called this one right?



Konstantinos -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 11:38:54 AM)

dont be angry at God for your mistakes.

but you are married now, she is married.

with God, time and willingness any 2 people can be "meant to be". focus on that rather than the easy quick choice of wanting to be with someone that already has most of what you'd want from in a partner. if both of you werent married it would be different, but you both are.



evryknee -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 12:32:53 PM)

quote:

quote:

You werent meant to be. If you were.....you would be. But your not.

This pretty well sums it up, my confussion anyway! I can't say that we weren't meant to be. It was through our own selfishness that caused us to be out of God's will for our lives. We separated ourselves from God at that point.


I agree that is where your confusion is - but I agree with waitingforreturn. If this relationship was God's will - you would have been in it all this time. His will is for you to remain as you are - married to the wife you have. The more you toy with this relatio0nship in your mind, especially it being God's true will, then the worse you will be and the more likely you will have an affair (which is really not God's will. Stay away in physical presence & in mind!



TomTurn -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 1:38:29 PM)

Is a tough place but as everyone has said, you have made a commitment to another woman and now have children with her. But let me ask you this.

What if you had taken the road with Shelley years ago and that path led to the two of you being in an accident where she was killed and you crippled up for life? That might of happened and is that what you would have wanted for her and you? Just becasue you think you should have went with her you will never know what might of happened if you did. It might have been good and it might have been very bad.

But what we do know is that both of you married others.

You have my prayers during this tought time, I know it is hard.



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 1:45:15 PM)

quote:

but I agree with waitingforreturn. If this relationship was God's will - you would have been in it all this time.
quote:



Ahh... but this isn't always true, and despite the obvious signs in our lives, prophecies and so on, that we had then? The more I think on things, the ministry we both intended to be in and now neither of us are. Her life has been made miserable, mine was completely miserable unitl I married my wife 4 years ago, but I now, and haven't felt God's hand on my life in a long time. I don't understand fellas, I just don't. I mean, if neither of us followed God's plan aren't we out of his covering anyway, this is faith shaking to me, I'm not talking about just some first love, teen aged infatuation. I mean this has encompassed most of my adult life, whereas I have always been concerned that God has removed himself from my life even though I still pursue a life with Christ and try to continue to live for Him, but because of my mistakes, God has placed his hands on someone else to bless them.

In selfishness we (her and I) abonded his will and made a huge mistake... I mean, I don't know... I have pretty well been questioning just about every decission I've ever made?

EDIT
(Sorry, I don't know why this post is in a quote box. I was quoting yzguy and then responding)



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 1:51:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TomTurn

Is a tough place but as everyone has said, you have made a commitment to another woman and now have children with her. But let me ask you this.

What if you had taken the road with Shelley years ago and that path led to the two of you being in an accident where she was killed and you crippled up for life? That might of happened and is that what you would have wanted for her and you? Just becasue you think you should have went with her you will never know what might of happened if you did. It might have been good and it might have been very bad.

But what we do know is that both of you married others.

You have my prayers during this tought time, I know it is hard.




Thank you Tomturn. That is all I can ask for.



evryknee -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 3:30:28 PM)

quote:

Ahh... but this isn't always true, and despite the obvious signs in our lives, prophecies and so on, that we had then? The more I think on things, the ministry we both intended to be in and now neither of us are. Her life has been made miserable, mine was completely miserable unitl I married my wife 4 years ago, but I now, and haven't felt God's hand on my life in a long time. I don't understand fellas, I just don't. I mean, if neither of us followed God's plan aren't we out of his covering anyway, this is faith shaking to me, I'm not talking about just some first love, teen aged infatuation. I mean this has encompassed most of my adult life, whereas I have always been concerned that God has removed himself from my life even though I still pursue a life with Christ and try to continue to live for Him, but because of my mistakes, God has placed his hands on someone else to bless them.

In selfishness we (her and I) abonded his will and made a huge mistake... I mean, I don't know... I have pretty well been questioning just about every decission I've ever made?


I think, if I understand correctly, that you are putting sin with breaking up with Shelley - and concluding that God is no longer blessing you. Going along with this thinking, then you might conclude that: 1) God will bless you if you right the wrong. If that were the case, then you would have to divorce your wife (a big no-no); 2) That God will never bless you because you cannot divorce your wife (b/c it is a no-no); 3) That marrying your wife was a sin.

I do not think marrying someone is a sin (unless it is an unbeliever). There is not just one person for everyone - He gives us freedom to decide who to marry, but some boundaries. This is one of the reasons why I do not think it was God's will for you to marry Shelly (freedom to decide). The other reason is that nothing happens apart from God's will. He is in control. We may sin, & this is not what He desires, but it fits in with His greater plan (conforming us to the likeness of Christ). (This is a huge theological concept - the will of God - & I won't pretend to comprehend it all - but this is where I am)

I do not think God would remove himself (esp. since he said I will never leave you nor forsake you, & I will be with you until the end of the age.). I think your thoughts might be based more on feelings than the truth of God's Word.

There is a lot for you to work through with these things - more than forums can address. Have you considered talking to your pastor or a Christian counselor about these things - to help with the confusion? (BTW - I hope you hear my tone as being concerned, not condemning)



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 3:51:35 PM)

quote:

you are putting sin with breaking up with Shelley - and concluding that God is no longer blessing you.


Not the breaking up part, but I have always felt that God had things for us as a couple to accomplish...AS a couple. It was through prophecy by respected and responsisble men of God that I had confirmation of those things. I was just to young and dumb to think about those things and again the point of breaking up in the first place was to assert myself a little bit with her because of some comment she had made that made me upset. I was just being childish. And I know God blesses me, but to this point of my life, those prophecies have remained unfullfilled.

quote:

I do not think marrying someone is a sin (unless it is an unbeliever


And marrying my wife has not been a sinful thing, although Shelly has married an unbeliever and that is her bed to sleep in I know, but my wife is a God loving woman. And I will agree, I think there are many many people that are compatible but I believe that God has the one for you. Obviously not all people follow God's plan for their life but live happliy ever after, but compatibility isn't what I am talking about here.

quote:

I think your thoughts might be based more on feelings than the truth of God's Word.


100% true... but feelings I have been trying from that first day to get rid of...

yzguy- Thank you for your encouraging words, I do not take them in any way condescending or condemning and that is why I went ahead and turned here to this forum. Getting some insight from those not familure with the situation. And I appreciate your concern. I just have lots of guilt in thinking that by ending our relationship, I have already ruined our lives. (as post noting earlier that leaving my wife would ruin so many lives, but my guilt is in thinking that those lives were already ruined) AGHHHH... Free will... sometimes a burden like free will is the ultimate doom.



evryknee -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 4:32:26 PM)

quote:

And I appreciate your concern. I just have lots of guilt in thinking that by ending our relationship, I have already ruined our lives. (as post noting earlier that leaving my wife would ruin so many lives, but my guilt is in thinking that those lives were already ruined) AGHHHH... Free will... sometimes a burden like free will is the ultimate doom.


I don't know if I would call getting married to a wonderful Christian woman and having 2 kids as "ruined lives." I doubt that you've ruined your wife's life and children's lives (Though I have not read your other posts - even so, there is a God who restores broken hearts & mends lives).

Re: the prophecy, well, I have a lot of problems with modern day "prophets" - mostly because I have no idea if their track record is 100% accurate - If not, then they are not prophets. I have heard too many of the opposite coming true - prophecies by Believers that do not come true. So maybe this is the case - I don't know.

Again, let me suggest the counseling route. These things should be worked through with a trusted believer, who has wisdom.



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 5:01:39 PM)

quote:

don't know if I would call getting married to a wonderful Christian woman and having 2 kids as "ruined lives." I doubt that you've ruined your wife's life and children's lives (Though I have not read your other posts


No, of course being married to a woman of Christ is in no way "ruined lives" It was the road here that was pretty harsh, and I never said the kids were hers. Their lives had been destroyed because of the choices their mom made, only arriving there by earlier choices that I made... Complicated at best.



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/4/2008 5:07:35 PM)

quote:

Re: the prophecy, well, I have a lot of problems with modern day "prophets" - mostly because I have no idea if their track record is 100% accurate - If not, then they are not prophets. I have heard too many of the opposite coming true - prophecies by Believers that do not come true. So maybe this is the case - I don't know.


Maybe you and I can spill this on over to the theology thread. Not sure where your coming from on this one. Biblically I put trust in Prophets and prophecy because it is one of the spiritual gifts, teaching, prophecy, tounges and interpretation... Another thread for another time I'm sure. But again, thanks man for sheading some other light on this <sigh> unfortunate predicament. I have found strong insight with your words.



evryknee -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/5/2008 9:35:49 AM)

Yes - it is a discussion for another thread. Perhaps I misunderstand "prophecy" - Though the prophecies have not been fulfilled, it can be dangerous to take those prophecies and make the decisions to go ahead and make sure they come true by becoming a couple again - in doing so, sinning against your wife & kids - though it sounds like this is not what you want to do - though talking with her and thinking about her in these ways is flirting with dangerous and destroying what contentment you may have with your wife.

You mentioned that you and she were "meant to be" - Personally, I think if this were the case - that you were meant to be and therefore was God's will - you would have been (prophecy or no prophecy).

I think there's a country song about that: "Try not to think about what might have been..." Can't play the song backwards and get all that back, though [;)]



JimboFletch -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/5/2008 9:49:28 AM)

quote:

I am angry at God for not stepping in.

I submit that He did when He allowed you two to go separate ways. You KNOW the two of you getting together NOW is wrong, so the only logical conclusion is that God DID step in all those years ago.

It is not your job to fix her life and, as one of God's redeemed, you have no right to harm your wife and children even worrying about that old flame.

Satan has used countless similar scenarios to forever end ministries. Don't become another stat.



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/5/2008 11:26:04 AM)

quote:

YZGUY:

"Try not to think about what might have been..." Can't play the song backwards and get all that back, though


LOL. Yeah.. a real wiseguy eh! Nuuck nuuck nuuck....

quote:

JimboFletch:

I submit that He did when He allowed you two to go separate ways. You KNOW the two of you getting together NOW is wrong, so the only logical conclusion is that God DID step in all those years ago.

It is not your job to fix her life and, as one of God's redeemed, you have no right to harm your wife and children even worrying about that old flame.

Satan has used countless similar scenarios to forever end ministries. Don't become another stat


Perspective and clarity. Thanks JimboFletch



evryknee -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/6/2008 8:30:48 AM)

Piggybacking on JimboFletch (Who is THE MAN) - Is Romans 8:28-29 - "ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. For those He foreknew, he predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son."

All things - Even past decisions



BlackCapnHarlock -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/6/2008 10:06:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: freakofnature

Gentlemen;

I have come to a road in my life that I once never thought possible for me. Years ago, I dated a young woman we can call Shelly. Oh my! The way I felt for her was a feeling I have never had before and have never had again. I remember pretty much everything from her hair, her smile, even her scent. The most beautiful girl evah... But one day, I was being a bit of a... let's say, child, and I broke up with Shelly, never anticipating that we would not get back together, I really just wanted to make a point. OOOPPS! She soon left our church with her family and moved on, meeting another man who was older than I and with a steady income... blah blah.. ya' know just better than I thought I was.

Well anyway, she got married. They have had a difficult time. Please keep in mind this was 16 years ago. I have not stopped thinking about her since. Yes, I am married, yes I have kids and I adore my wife I love her, my wife, for all that she is and all that she does, but it doesn't compare to the love I feel for Shelly, never has and I am affraid it never will. Well... I ran into Shelly this past weekend. I mean, I have moved out of the same state where we grew up, but I returned this week for a funeral, I was not with my family and she not with hers. NOTHING HAPPENED, at least physically. She is miserable, her husband does not respond to her needs at all. He is into porn on the internet and she is trying to stay in God's will and continues to go to church and raise her kids, but miserable none the less. Her and I were meant to be, I've always known it, and it is one of those kinds of feelings, it was a natural fit. I miss her. I know what is right but I can't help but want to take her out of the life that I basically gave her because I was being childish. I am angry at God for not stepping in. I have only been married 4 years, if I would have known that this would be like this for her, I would never have married I would have continued to wait... Guys, I need help...


Let's be honest ever seen the Chris Rock movie, "I think I love my wife." He was in a similar situation . . well he goes off and he's ready to commit adultery, and he looks in the mirror and he sees himself deshoveled like he is when he plays with his DAUGHTER.

He remembered he was married and ran home and talked to his wife about everything he was keeping inside. His marriage got better and his wandering eye disappeared.

YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME.

Let me tell what happens if you go with SHELLY

1. You get together and have sex.

2. You ruin our families lives.

3. You go through a messy divorce.

4. You end up losing your family, and embarrassing yourselves.

5. You get together and the relationship goes into the toilet.

6. She ends up with someone else, you end up alone, in a crummy apartment looking at the ceiling asking yourself, "What happened?"

SATAN is behind this, you need to work on your marriage and she needs to work on hers.

Talk to you wife about it, talk to your wife about Shelly, get rid of these secrets and get into counseling and get your marriage working.

Go ahead and be disobedient to GOD, go ahead and fall for the devil's candy and when you get sick, we will be here for you to get well.

GOD isn't to blame for this, YOU ARE . . .. and I have no sympathy for you or for anyone in your boat.

I'm in a hellish marriage, my wife has treated me like dog ****, I haven't come close to cheating, I don't watch or own porn, and I don't chase chicks.

We are better men than this, you are a better man than this, forget Shelly, forget her and get your marriage working.

I'm working on mine, you work on yours and you pray, fast and fight and believe that GOD can heal your heart and heal your marriage and make it blissful in his eyes.

You wanna talk some more? PM me . . .



colliefan -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/7/2008 2:55:58 PM)

You have a wife and two kids who love you. Don't blow by trying to relive the past. For some reason there is an emotional tie that must be severed.



andyc10 -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/8/2008 10:48:28 PM)

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" -Jeremiah 17:9

Stay with your wife and kids, never talk to Shelly again, and pray hard for deliverance.



nuclear_sidewalk -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/9/2008 12:49:57 AM)

As far as the "what ifs" with your past Shelly situation...

God's Will for your life is not a bus. By that, I mean it won't drive by and leave you forever stranded, waiting to catch up. So long as you're reading the Word, praying, and have a generally good fellowship with God, you won't be missing out on His Will. So you're married now, in a different stage of life, and it seems pretty clear to me that it's where God wants you. Don't spend time looking back on possible life paths, what ifs, or if onlies...

Take the advice offered - avoid contact with Shelly. That doesn't mean you should be rude, but make your stance clear. Temptation, let alone what your wife might perceive as emotional adultery, is too strong a risk to be run.



DreadPirateRandy -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/12/2008 3:52:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: freakofnature

Her and I were meant to be, I've always known it, and it is one of those kinds of feelings, it was a natural fit.


This sentence contradicts the following:

quote:

Yes, I am married, yes I have kids and I adore my wife


If you and this Shelly girl were meant to be, then the quote up above wouldn't exist.

You need to get a grip on reality and stop living in fantasies of 16 years ago. You have a wife whom you say you love and adore, and the two of you have children. Are you willing to give up the reality God has given you for temporal happiness?

Leaving your wife for this woman would be equivalent to taking drugs. You've jammed the syringe thoroughly into the arm, the injection is pumping through your veins, and you're on cloud nine for all of what? minutes? hours? half a day maybe? Point is, it doesn't last but a short period. Once you come down off that high, you realize you have made the biggest mistake of your life.

It isn't worth it. No woman should be even comparable to your bride, your wife, your love.



freakofnature -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/12/2008 9:14:17 AM)

Gentlemen;

Thank you for your thoughts and earnest prayers. Just as an update. So I have been home for almost 2 weeks, (back from the funeral). I have had time to really search my heart and soul and have allowed time for God to work on me and everyday, when I leave this here office and I drive the 10 minutes or so to get home, who is there to greet me but my wife and kids. I never lost any love for my wife and admitedly it is a different love than that of what was for Shelly but that may not have been so healthy and I thank God for the woman in my life that he has brought me to, to share time with and be friends with and enjoy each other. She loves me like no other and respects me and who I am.

Given the amount of time that has passed by the last two weeks, knowing that when I saw Shelly all of those feelings just kinda rushed back in but it was but a fleeting moment. Thanks again for your comments, concerns and prayers.



evryknee -> RE: I know what's right! Can't focus though. (6/12/2008 10:30:25 AM)

God's blessings on your marriage freakofnature! (that was weird to write)



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