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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 3:33:18 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6051
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I actually don't think posts like "pull your panties up" and things like that are beneficial to anyone. They come across as harsh, rude and uncaring.
Firstly, no-one here has told anyone to "pull your panties up".
Secondly, how posts are perceived is an arbitrary thing, dependant on so many different things.
- It depends on whether we choose to assign intent and/or tone, even if we don't really know that person or have never spoken to them in real time.
- It can depend on cultural differences
- It can depend on our own issues and hang-ups
- Very much linked with the above, it can depend on whether anyone else in real life has
said certain hurtful things to us, and, because something about this poster here reminds us of that person, we automatically assume that they're being the same as that real time person, and we react again the poster as if they were that person who originally hurt us
I personally think it is wise (and loving) to think about those things before we knee-jerk react to things posted to us. To ask ourselves whether there is anything else to consider, and to especially look within ourselves to see if we are reacting from our own issues, rather than just responding to the post. If something seem to touch a nerve, it's wise and prudent to ask ourselves why. Because really, in the big scheme of things, a few words on a screen in our room shouldn't really be upsetting us. If it is, then maybe it's time for a break, to regain perspective.
Even if someone is being a bit abrasive and direct to us, we can still choose not to make it all about us, we can look deeper and see if there is anything there we actually need to hear.
quote:
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
I disagree. I agree with "if you can't say anything constructive, don't say anything at all", but if we went by "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" there would be no tough love, no straight-talking, just a lot of flowers and cotton-wool padding. Jesus said some very hard things to people sometimes, and we need to as well.
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Alot of the time people online are crying out for someone to listen as they may not have that support around them.
And we have a LOT of people, myself and Ryanne included, who do listen and who are good listeners. There comes a point, however, when listening and support can cross the line and become indulgent, even enabling the person to remain in their mire, to feel entitled to remain in their mire, rather than getting up again and getting going.
We all need a pity party sometimes, and to have a bit of a wallow, but there does need to be some balance and perspective.
quote:
If you don't want to be the one to say "there there" then take a hike and let someone else do it.
"There there" is sympathy, and sympathy has a very limited shelf life. Empathy is far more useful, more constructive, but it is a much more active in essence.
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I am sorry but Jesus did NOT use that attitude to people. Yes he may have said, stop what you are doing now do better, but he was there in real life, people heard his voice, felt his touch, saw the love in his eyes. The net doesn't allow for that.
Shouldn't we all then assume the best about each other, instead of judging them? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to, instead of reacting, read each thing posted to us imagining the person's voice being soft kind and loving, imagining their hand reaching across to touch ours?
You may get the odd jerk who comes in here and says something deliberately nasty, but we have a "Report" button for that, and good old TOS. But I will bet you anything you like that most if not all of the women who post in this folder are good, kind, loving people who say things because they want to help. You will get different styles though - and just because someone doesn't post in a way that you instantly like, doesn't mean they're not being loving.
quote:
Those snide, sarcastic remarks are NOT helpful and make the person feel even worse then they already do.
Then maybe it's better for the poster not to label another person's words as such to start with. If you stop judging them as snide or sarcastic, and stop assuming they have it in for you, it will probably have the effect of stopping you feeling worse.
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Some of those people who like to tell it as it is maybe needs to learn how to rephrase things in a more gentler way as online you read it how it is written.
I personally hope nobody ever waters down what they say to me in an attempt to pussyfoot around and pander to my "feelings". I would always rather know how someone really feels about something, even if it is a bit shapr around the edges, rather than them putting on a mask and "being nice", just for the sake of it. In my life I have known too many smiles to my face, and then whispering behind my back.
quote:
Take a second to think "will this hurt the person more then help them" and if it does, there is a backspace key....
There is also something called "tough love". Give me tough love rather than "there there"s any day of the year. I trust it more.
< Message edited by manda59 -- 6/6/2008 3:40:22 AM >
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 8:00:29 AM
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Georgia-Peach
Posts: 1873
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Georgia on my mind
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Regarding sleep deprivation I know how frustrating it can be and how you feel like "I will never again sleep a whole night through". Not only that, but if I had a rough day and then still had to get up in the middle of night it just made the next day that much harder sometimes. Hunter was a easy baby for the most part, but never was a good sleeper from the get go and has always been a bit clingy to us. I was still nursing once in the middle of the night up until his first birthday. He also would only go to sleep for naps/bedtime if I rocked him and we tried crying it out, but it was not for me. Once he turned a year old though like Prudent said, it was like someone flipped a switch. He stopped waking up in the middle of the night, he would go down on his own, and he weaned himself off the rest of his feedings by 13 months.
But, I know for us we trade in one "frustration" for another. Now we are dealing with Mr. Independence w/ an attitude so the extra sleep does help me deal with that now.
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Chelle
A Mother holds her child's hand for a moment, but holds their heart forever.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 8:18:56 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6051
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Georgia-Peach
But, I know for us we trade in one "frustration" for another. Now we are dealing with Mr. Independence w/ an attitude so the extra sleep does help me deal with that now.
When mine got to that age, I LOVED it - but the hardest thing was not to laugh. If I laughed, my discipline went out of the window, but both of mine were so cheeky and so inventive!! lol
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 8:20:19 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4979
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
Status: offline
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quote:
While that's true that I can't drink a cup of virtual tea, there are still more helpful comments than "this too shall pass" and other cliches like it ... how about helping brainstorm a list of things that *could* help in that situation ... even if they are only to serve as a diversion (such as going for a walk)?? It could still be enough of a mental break to refocus, rather than just telling a person to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and "get over it".
Here's my take on why this doesn't happen more often than it does. We are all a group of women with our own struggles and challenges. Now, we're all different, but as for me personally I don't always have the mental energy to brainstorm about everyone else's challenges. If I have some solid advice I'll give it, or if I feel I have a word of wisdom about their particular situation I'll take some time to post it, but that's about the extent of it for me.
I've read people posting saying that they don't want to hear advice, and people saying they don't want to hear that it won't last forever, and I'm left with the impression that no matter what I someone's not going to be happy with my answer. So in addition to not having the mental energy to brainstorm, I am also faced with the possibility that it's going to be taken the wrong way if I don't word it just exactly right. So it's safer to just not respond at all sometimes.
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<--Plantation house in Louisiana
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 8:21:49 AM
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Georgia-Peach
Posts: 1873
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Georgia on my mind
Status: offline
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Manda, I am so glad to hear you say that because my hubby and I have both at times had a really hard time not laughing at him. I thought that made us horrible! We are getting better, but he too can be very creative when being disciplined.
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Chelle
A Mother holds her child's hand for a moment, but holds their heart forever.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 8:32:01 AM
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lexie
Posts: 3063
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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In the past, when I've had an issue I've found that the best way FOR ME, is to put it out there in the appropriate thread, field the responses I get, and if it needs to go any further, discuss it in pm with people who responded. That way I don't feel as though I'm taking anything away from the thread. If the situation is remedied I'd be happy to post the final thoughts and what got us there.
I have always been the type of person, who if I see someone needs encouragement, I will pm it to them if there is anything extra I can offer. But there is nothing more frustrating than not getting a response to the pm (and all it needs to say is thanks for the response) and then going back into the thread a few days later and seeing the person still going over and over the same problem. I get that problems can't be solved in one day, especially when it's issues with our children, but if you can't take the time to say thank you for my pm, then I wonder, do you truly want the help or do you just want to vent and you know that people online can't tell you to stop talking. At that point, I don't care to go much further, or even to continue reading the thread.
If you truly want to vent and don't want someone to tell you to stop, then bring it on to me, in PM. I don't mind listening. I always say, I may not have the solution but I can listen.
We are all such different people, our backgrounds coloured by so many different experiences. And it's hard to get a read on people. I've been here for a few years now with a lot of other women and there some I know I can go to for specific questions, but there are others that I have no clue who they are.
Ryanne is someone I don't know very well, even though we've both been here for a long time. There are a lot of things she posts that I think right away "oh no she did not!" But when I consider the reason why it is posted, I can begin to see where it comes from. I imagine Ryanne is a confident, blunt and no need to be hassled type of person (am I right  ) and I take her posts with that in mind. It helps me to wade through the delivery and see the message, because no matter what style any of our posts are delivered in, there is a message there that was sent with kindness and love.
Anyways, that's my two cents, and our dollar is on par with the American, so you guys have to take it!
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 11:25:13 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6051
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Georgia-Peach
Manda, I am so glad to hear you say that because my hubby and I have both at times had a really hard time not laughing at him. I thought that made us horrible! We are getting better, but he too can be very creative when being disciplined.
Chelle,
I found the little baby times very hard indeed; I really don't cope well with the total dependence thing. Some of it comes from my own childhood issues, some of it is down to my own selfishness (and I am not saying that to put myself down, but to be realistic about myself).
But toddlerhood, where they start to develop their own personality, identity, assert their will .........
I really enjoyed it, with both of my children. Even the naughtiness.  I just found it so fascinating to watch/hear what they come out with, the way they think, the way they learn to "reason". It can be quite a lesson to hear them come out with some of the things you say, and perhaps shouldn't have said. It can also be totally amazing when they come out with something they NEVER got from you. I just really really really found it exciting and rewarding - even with the battles of wills and frustrations, it's all so totally worth it.
I remember when my ds was just under 3, we went to a carpet store. As soon as we walked in through the door, he saw the big rolls of carpet and totally pelted across the store towards them (I just knew he wanted to climb on them). I called him back and he hesitated - but then put a finger in each ear, started running again and said, very nicely and politely "I sorry mum, I can't hear you!"
Thankfully his back was towards me, so he couldn't see me cracking up with laughter (the shop assistant was also laughing) - I must add that I did run to him and pulled him off one of the rolls of carpet, and then kept him with me. But I couldn't bring myself to punish him. He had not been with many other children - I am *sure* he hadn't heard it from anyone else. It had just occurred to him as a way of supposedly not appearing to be disobeying. lol
I even found it funny when he discovered the phrase "I hate you mummy". He would furrow his brow and look really cross, and try and say it with a real attitude. And although it shocked me first time he said it, I knew he was just trying to assert his will. And I'd reply "oh do you? that's nice!" And he'd get madder and say "no it isn't, I hate you". To which I'd reply "oh well never mind, perhaps you'll feel better later" and he'd pull a face and stomp off, which also gave me room to have a secret little chuckle.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/6/2008 11:35:20 AM
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lexie
Posts: 3063
Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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quote:
I really enjoyed it, with both of my children. Even the naughtiness
Oh my, there are times that I have to run from the room because I am laughing at what Akeelah did and I can't let her see it. Toddlers are so creative and so smart and it just brings joy into my life when she is acting naughty. How silly it sounds.
BTW....Prudent....Your son is just gorgeous. I love your avatar. Thank you for putting babies on this earth with such beautiful eyes (among all the other things that are beautiful about them.)
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 12:30:18 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: offline
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Hey, I miss this thread! It is perfect for my question. For those of you who watch Veggie Tales with your kiddos, my hubby has a question about one particular Silly Song with Larry. It's The Gated Community. He was wondering what type of singing the gated community guys are doing. I know there's a name for it, like when three people sing Row Row Row Your Boat one right after the other.
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-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 1:04:13 AM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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Thank you, LOL!
I love love love Veggie Tales, best kids show EVER! They even have some adult-aimed humor in there (like all the new 3-D kid's movies have now) but none of it is inappropriate like the new movies.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 7:05:01 AM
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Shells54
Posts: 441
Joined: 2/25/2007
Status: offline
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We love Veggie Tales here also.
My son DJ has decided when he grows up he wants to be a super hero like Larry Boy. I don't know how many plungers we have been through because they all become super suction ears.
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Michelle
Formely Soukz8696
Living for HIS glory not my own
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 12:52:09 PM
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thisistheday
Posts: 9598
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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My 4yo sometimes wants to be a Superhero when she grows up. No super-suction ears here though, she sticks with a cape!
Dee
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 1:18:10 PM
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MamaPyratekk
Posts: 96
Joined: 6/16/2008
From: NC
Status: offline
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Hey everyone, I'm a newbie to the thread (^_^). I just wanted to say hello and jump in on the conversation here. First, my name is Christina and I'm a stay-at-home mom to my 20m old son (Jacob) and soon-to-be mom to my daughter (Summer).
Now onto the Veggie Tales!
Can I just tell you, *I* love Veggie Tales. I found a few songs from the show before my son was born and I still listen to the Bellybutton Song...all by myself :). My son loves Veggie Tales but we only have one DVD right now and it comes on TV during his nap :(. Do your kids like other Christian based cartoons? I haven't seen any of the other ones, but I've seen the variety of ones in the children's section at a local Christian bookstore and so I've been trying to find some that my little one might like.
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~Christina~
Wife to Alex, Mom to Jacob, S2B Mom to Summer, Fur-Mom to Roxy, and Fishy-Mom to: Snuffy, Ernie, Oliver, Opal, and Loco
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 1:24:18 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2954
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: offline
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Hey Christina, I'm Christina too!
I haven't found any other that my kids like. I tried to get Timmy to watch Davey & Goliath on TBN (it's claymation), but he wasn't into it.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 3:45:01 PM
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Shells54
Posts: 441
Joined: 2/25/2007
Status: offline
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My kids also like 321 Penguins. They are ok I don't like them as much as Veggie Tales. Also we like Adventures in Odyssey.
_____________________________
Michelle
Formely Soukz8696
Living for HIS glory not my own
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/7/2008 4:09:13 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2438
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: online
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I love VeggieTales ... I started collecting them even before I met dh, as I was doing a LOT of full time babysitting back in those days ... I needed things for the kids to watch that wouldn't drive me absolutely batty. I actually signed up for the Ambassador program, so I receive a bunch of promo materials and whatnot about 6 weeks before each film is released ... the kids LOVE our UPS man, as he is often delivering mail "from Bob and Larry"
I like the subtle adult jokes in there too ... "Why do I have to share? How do I share? Whatever happened to Sonny and Cher?"
(BTW, Christina ... TYVM ... you've had me humming "Gated Community" for the past few hours ... AARGH! Probably better than having the "Hairbrush Song" stuck like a broken record, though ...LOL)
The kiddies haven't seen Boz yet, but they are Hermie addicts (I just wish that I could get the Grumble Bees message to sink into their brains!)
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Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/10/2008 9:13:28 AM
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LaurainAL
Posts: 1260
Joined: 8/13/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
I have a question for those of you who are critical of Mother's venting about some of the struggles of motherhood and it's honestly just out of curiosity and there is no malice intended. But, do you ladies really never think to yourself that you wish things were different right at this moment? I think we all know that babyhood is a season and things will change and get better. I am only speaking for myself, but it was sometimes therapeutic to come here and discuss with other Mom's how being without sleep was so hard. And, for a first time Mom it was good to know that my kid wasn't the only one that didn't need sleep.
Mothering a baby is wonderful, joyous, beautiful, scary, heart-wrenching, and exhausting all at the same time. Why is venting about it off limits while less important topics, imo, are ok?
This is a continued discussion from the baby chat thread. Please comment here.
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Life Trumps Choice
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 7/10/2008 9:23:09 AM
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MamaMilty
Posts: 1522
Joined: 10/18/2007
Status: offline
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Hey Laura,
Why do you think venting is off-limits? I didn't read the discussion like that at all. I read women giving their heartfelt opinions on the subject of the vent....
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Jen
My very 1st ever blog!
http://secondhandtreasure-mamamilty.blogspot.com/
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