RE: General Mommy Thread (Full Version)

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PrudentWife -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 9:26:15 AM)

Jen, there have been many times where a mother (especially 1st time moms) have vented their frustration and been told to basically 'grow up and deal with it.'

Quoting you from the other thread:

quote:

Have I lost a little bit of me, yes. Do I need to recover it, most certainly.


And how do you do that when you don't have support? I'm certain I've lost most of me. But what do I do? Lock myself in the bedroom for an hour each day while my infant screams and my toddler dismantles the house?

Hubby's tried calling my mother & best friend asking them to help me out here and there. Neither have responded. He's investigated drop-in daycare programs. He thinks if I can drop Reagan off a couple times a month for 3-4 hours, that might give me a break. But the only two he's found are way out of our budget.

I know I need a break, but it's just not feasible at this time. So I appreciate all the moms who are in the same boat as me and listen to my frustrations without lecturing me.



manda59 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 9:28:59 AM)

Thing is, if mums come here and only want to vent (ie not receive advice), then they need to make that clear.

If they come here to vent and also ask advice, they really should not be surprised if they receive advice.



LaurainAL -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 9:34:47 AM)

Jen, The current posts are just a smidgen of what I am referring to. Women can vent about their church, living away from family, politics, but don't you dare say that motherhood is hard because that "is what you signed up for"



PrudentWife -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 9:37:58 AM)

quote:

but don't you dare say that motherhood is hard because that "is what you signed up for"


That's one of my favorites too.

What about those whose children were unplanned and conceived while the couple was trying to prevent. I know children are a blessing from the Lord, and He's planned them all since the beginning of time. But to the couple who didn't 'sign up for it,' it can be even more stressful. One of the leading causes of PPD is surprise pregnancies.



MamaMilty -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 10:19:35 AM)

Okay, since I haven't been a part of this thread, I won't comment on what I didn't see. [:)]

I just know that for myself, I appreciate being told to "snap out of it" by someone who knows of what I speak if that is that person's honest, heartfelt advise for the moment. I have a healthy respect for people who care enough to tell me things that are not always easy to hear.

OTOH, sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and say, "Yes, I understand and have felt that way myself."

And, yes, I would like to have it both ways, please![:D]



MamaMilty -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:05:23 AM)

Here is a topic that I would love to have all opinions offered and discussed:

It seems like lately, with my three (2,4,5), everything we do rapidly gets out of hand. Example: this am, they were playing with a bowl of little rocks that I had a candle in. I made the decision to allow them to play with the rocks because they were enjoying themselves and it wasn't harming anything. Quickly, the game moved from feeling, piling, lining up the rocks to scattering and I got down with them and told them the ground rules of the game and the consequences of not following the rules. That worked for a few minutes, but it all escalated in no time. So I gave them each cups to fill and spill and that got out of hand, so I put tops on the cups so they could shake them and that turned into a free for all with rocks strewn all over my kitchen. They were so wound up by that point that I had to threaten to spank them if they didn't calm down.

That is just one example of how things are around here. So my ? is this: Am I giving them too much freedom or not enough?

Let me know if you need more info before you can answer. [:)]



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:34:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
Thing is, if mums come here and only want to vent (ie not receive advice), then they need to make that clear.

If they come here to vent and also ask advice, they really should not be surprised if they receive advice.


I think there is a balance. For example, you've given great advice like "try to get outside, even just for a short walk", and other practical pieces of advice that could make a mom's life better.

But telling a mom to "suck it up, this what you signed up for", might've been helpful to you, but I don't feel it's very helpful to most first time moms. There's ways of giving advice that aren't so ... harsh, to a sleep-deprived, hormonal mom.

I don't think it's either "give no advice because they're just venting" or "drill sargent advice".



manda59 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:39:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways
But telling a mom to "suck it up, this what you signed up for"


Where did I say that, Ruth?



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:42:14 AM)

Jen (MamaMilty), I don't have experience with multiple toddlers, so take this with a grain of salt. I wonder if you should've put up the rocks as soon as you laid down the ground rules and things started to get out of hand?

It sounds from your description that you were trying to gradually get control of the situation while still giving them a lot of freedom, even after things started to get out of hand. I can appreciate trying to let them continue to play with the rocks, but instituting greater controls. But it sounds like maybe a complete change of scenery would've been better.

My boy is a lot younger then your kids, but sometimes I just need to pull him completely out of the situation and distract him with something else. The 4 and 5 year old, especially should understand that the "toy" gets taken away immediately after the first warning. No adjustments to the rules, just complete removal.

Also, what is their diet like?



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:43:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways
But telling a mom to "suck it up, this what you signed up for"

Where did I say that, Ruth?


Seriously? I've seen you use the phrase "Sorry to be harsh, but this is what you signed up for" many times. Maybe not literally said "suck it up", but pretty close to it.



manda59 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:47:41 AM)

In future Ruth please only put things in quotes if it's what I said verbatim. To do otherwise is misleading. I don't say, have never said "suck it up".



LaurainAL -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:48:31 AM)

Manda,

I think posts like this may be what she is referring to.

quote:

Sorry to be so direct but, EmilyAnn, that's what you signed up for when you decided to have a baby.



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:52:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
In future Ruth please only put things in quotes if it's what I said verbatim. To do otherwise is misleading. I don't say, have never said "suck it up".


I apologize, Manda. I will be more responsible in the future.



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:53:02 AM)

So where is the line between venting and persistent whining?



LaurainAL -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 11:58:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey

So where is the line between venting and persistent whining?



I guess that is the million dollar question.



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:01:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
So where is the line between venting and persistent whining?


Right where the baby sleeps more then 3 hours straight? [8D] Or when good advice has been given but isn't being taken?



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:01:47 PM)

Venting doesn't bother me a bit, I've been there(and still go there, lol) it's just the persistent whining about the same thing over and over again that starts to bug me. But the, pity parties in general usually bother me. I don't really think they are a very Christ like attitude. A lot of time people will offer advice to someone who has a persistent problem and when it's not the advice they want, then the advice offerer is the bad guy. Or they bring up "hot" topics then get offended when the discussion gets heated.

Ah, for my own little island.



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:03:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
So where is the line between venting and persistent whining?


Right where the baby sleeps more then 3 hours straight? [8D] Or when good advice has been given but isn't being taken?

[:D]

Recently though, the baby has been sleeping more then 3 hours[;)] And the bolded part is what bothers me the most. Good advice is often given here, people choose to ignore it and then continue whining.



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:09:11 PM)

Well, this mommy has cried uncle. I can't stand up very well, and the nauseau and headaches aren't going away even with medication. I can't seem to stay cool, and the dizziness is really bothersome.

My good husband offered to come home early, but my mom said she could be here in about 90 minutes. I'm very lucky to have these good folks in my life.



MamaMilty -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:09:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

Jen (MamaMilty), I don't have experience with multiple toddlers, so take this with a grain of salt. I wonder if you should've put up the rocks as soon as you laid down the ground rules and things started to get out of hand?

It sounds from your description that you were trying to gradually get control of the situation while still giving them a lot of freedom, even after things started to get out of hand. I can appreciate trying to let them continue to play with the rocks, but instituting greater controls. But it sounds like maybe a complete change of scenery would've been better.

My boy is a lot younger then your kids, but sometimes I just need to pull him completely out of the situation and distract him with something else. The 4 and 5 year old, especially should understand that the "toy" gets taken away immediately after the first warning. No adjustments to the rules, just complete removal.

Also, what is their diet like?


What you say makes sense, Ruth. While I was in the situation, I didn't think I was adjusting the rules as I didn't go back on any that I set to begin with, just added them as the play progressed. But in hindsight, from their perspective, I might have been undermining my control as I attempted to go with the flow.

I tend to be a control freak. I crave order. Little kids are crazy- messy-out of control. At least that is how I feel most days. [8D] I don't want to break their enthusiastic spirit or anything, I just would love to know how to instill some semblance of self-control.

Any of my attempts come off harsh and misguided. Like the neatness of the bed is more important than they are and that is not it. Does anyone know what I mean?

I think I posted about a year ago for help on controlling my kids when we went to the grocery and I am still trying to get that under control. I know nothing works over night, but gee whiz, when will I see just a little progress?



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:11:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

Well, this mommy has cried uncle. I can't stand up very well, and the nauseau and headaches aren't going away even with medication. I can't seem to stay cool, and the dizziness is really bothersome.

My good husband offered to come home early, but my mom said she could be here in about 90 minutes. I'm very lucky to have these good folks in my life.


Ooh, I'm sorry you don't feel well. What are you sick with? Just pregnancy?



MamaMilty -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:12:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey

Venting doesn't bother me a bit, I've been there(and still go there, lol) it's just the persistent whining about the same thing over and over again that starts to bug me. But the, pity parties in general usually bother me. I don't really think they are a very Christ like attitude. A lot of time people will offer advice to someone who has a persistent problem and when it's not the advice they want, then the advice offerer is the bad guy. Or they bring up "hot" topics then get offended when the discussion gets heated.

Ah, for my own little island.


My mom always says, "If you don't want my advise, don't ask for it"


I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, Ruth. I'm glad the calvary is coming to the rescue.



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:14:34 PM)

I dunno. The headache is the worst part. It's messing with my sense of balance, and certainly affecting the nausea.

I just took more Tylenol, and I don't have a fever, even though I feel warm. Had the same sensation this morning... the thermometer said I was fine. Our AC is working fine, I just feel very warm.



PrincessDonna -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:15:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MamaMilty

Here is a topic that I would love to have all opinions offered and discussed:

It seems like lately, with my three (2,4,5), everything we do rapidly gets out of hand. Example: this am, they were playing with a bowl of little rocks that I had a candle in. I made the decision to allow them to play with the rocks because they were enjoying themselves and it wasn't harming anything. Quickly, the game moved from feeling, piling, lining up the rocks to scattering and I got down with them and told them the ground rules of the game and the consequences of not following the rules. That worked for a few minutes, but it all escalated in no time. So I gave them each cups to fill and spill and that got out of hand, so I put tops on the cups so they could shake them and that turned into a free for all with rocks strewn all over my kitchen. They were so wound up by that point that I had to threaten to spank them if they didn't calm down.

That is just one example of how things are around here. So my ? is this: Am I giving them too much freedom or not enough?

Let me know if you need more info before you can answer. [:)]


I'd not let them play with things unless you are okay with whatever way they play with it (without hurting each other or the object). Also, maybe set a time limit? Tell them they may play with the rocks for 5 (or 10) minutes, set a timer, and then when it goes off, put the rocks up and move on to something else.

Did you make them pick up the rocks that were strewn all over your kitchen? It's very important for kids to learn that we pick up after ourselves when we make a mess, IMO.

But the things they did with the rocks sound pretty normal to me. They sound like very creative, imaginative kids...that's a good kind of kid to have.[8D]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think when people post, unless they are clear that it is a vent and they do not want advice, they need to expect to receive all kinds of advice. This is the internet and though most who post here are Christian, we have all had different experiences and all have different opinions. If I know that someone often rubs me the wrong way, I am less likely to take what they have to say about my life and my decisions than I am someone who has earned that place of true friendship in my life. So...if that person who rubs me the wrong way tells me to get over myself, I'm more likely to ignore them and move on, and if that true friend tells me the very same thing, I'm more likely to think they're probably right.

I also agree there is a way to say things, even hard things, that makes it easier for people to take. I probably need to try as hard IRL as I do here to do that. LOL

And...last but not least...thicker skin. All around. Realize that how you read something may not be at all in the "tone" the author intended. Assume the best of people. And if you're having trouble with that, sometimes a break from forums is a good thing. Certainly a nice long walk in the sunshine (if it is not 800 degrees[>:]) can help.[:D]



LaurainAL -> RE: General Mommy Thread (7/10/2008 12:19:12 PM)

When I visit here I get the impression from some that they are Stepford Moms. I don't know any in real life so it is a bit confusing that they exist on the internet.



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