Decision making for our child.

Decision making for our child. (Full Version)

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mikejonesoftn -> Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 12:18:38 AM)
Hi, I'm new to this forum and I recently this year became very interested in the bible. God has always been in my life but now I am really just getting to know him and how he works. This leads me to my question. My "girlfriend" and I have a child. He is 6 1/2 months old, however we always seem to "bump" heads when it comes to the decision making for him. I personally want to protect my son and keep him safe, not to say she does not but sometimes I feel she does not think about it much. I'm looking for a scripture(s) in the bible to help us in this situation. We are not married, so I know it will be hard to really say I guess? Any help would be great.

SuspenseWriter -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 12:19:32 AM)
What's keeping you from marrying?

mikejonesoftn -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 12:27:58 AM)
I'm not 100% sure if I want her to be my wife. I'm not living 100% by God's word and that's the main problem why I have problems. I'm really wanting to but I don't know how to exactly start if you will. Me knowing that I "MAY" not want her to be wife, do I discontinue this relationship now? What if I change my mind? Kind of understand where I am at?

Rufas2000 -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 3:38:19 AM)
quote: Me knowing that I "MAY" not want her to be wife, do I discontinue this relationship now? What if I change my mind? Kind of understand where I am at? While the situation may not be optimal its probably the best you can do right now. It is worth trying, as having Dad & Mom married and / or under the same roof is better for the child, all things being equal. Also its better for you as it seems men lose custody fights more often than women, even when both parents are fully capable. Then again, if you jump the gun and marry her then find out you can't live together then you would have a huge mess that hurts everyone. As far as your original question more details would help. What types of disputes are you having over his safety? Does she leave him with people you do not approve of? Does she fail to keep him on a consistent daily schedule? Did she sign him up for swimming lessons? (Don't laugh, a fellow teacher of mine has her 12 month old in swimming lessons). Does she allow him to act reckless and fail to tell him "no" often enough? All these are safety issues but they are very different from each other. There are scriptures that indicate that the man is to be head of the family. Setting aside the ways in which that verse could be interpreted, if you already feel you aren't living right then it may appear to be using Scripture for your own ends if you try to go that route. Not that any man is perfect.

SuspenseWriter -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 7:29:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mikejonesoftn I'm not 100% sure if I want her to be my wife. I'm not living 100% by God's word and that's the main problem why I have problems. I'm really wanting to but I don't know how to exactly start if you will. Me knowing that I "MAY" not want her to be wife, do I discontinue this relationship now? What if I change my mind? Kind of understand where I am at? But you were 100% sure you wanted to hop in the sack with her, and create a child. Marry her. This falls under a man doing what's honorable ... funny and old-fashioned these days, I know.

car2ner -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 7:58:26 AM)
If you are not sure you want to marry her, get out of the way so that she can find someone who does want to marry her. That does not mean you don't have a say in the way your son is raised. You will always be responsible for his well being.

saraimay75 -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 1:49:42 PM)
What kind of decisions do you and your girlfriend disagree about? You also need to make some decisions about yourself the first is to follow G-d then you will know if you should marry. Give Him your problems. What about you girlfriend is she Christian? If not she will need to make some decisions also.

mvic -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 3:52:41 PM)
As I see it: there are 4 individuals involved in this equation. You, your girlfriend, the child and God. Let's park God to one side for a moment. We'll discuss Him later. You: do not want to marry, not sure what would happen after marriage, divorce(?), if so this would lead to even more problems, but currently concerned about child. Girlfriend: she may or may not want to marry you (you don't say). You claim that you're unhappy about her treatment of the child but we don't have details. Is this treatment likely to endanger his safety? The child: His safety is paramoount here. Is this endangered? His future is paramount too. Is he better served with both of you married or will he grow up in a family torn apart with arguments and warfare? If you were to divorce at a later date this would probably harm him more than if you were not to marry his mother. We can't foretell the future but we should evaluate it as best we can. Whether you marry or not you still have a responsibility towards the child: financial, moral etc... etc ... So what do you do? Decide whether the mother's behavior endangers the child's safety. If so, seek legal advice urgently. This is a moral and legal duty on you. Make your mind as to whether you love your girlfriend or not. You don't mention love in your posts; and marriage based solely on the existance of a child is not always a good foundation for a successful marriage. Find out (if you don't know already) whether she loves you or not. Marriage may be the last thing on her mind. And now we come to God. It's good that you've become "interested in the Bible"; I hope you grow to know and love the Lord. But I'm not sure that scriptures will really help at this stage of your situation. You need to concentrate first on the practicalities: child's safety, child's future, marriage and the existance (or not) of love between you. Whatever you decide I wish you well. Rest assured that I'm praying for the three of you and your situation. May God bless and help you.

SovereignIsHe -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 5:38:35 PM)
Put God first.... Seek the Kingdom and everything else will follow... If God isn't first all you have is a house of cards... John

rcjames -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 7:00:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SovereignIsHe Put God first.... Seek the Kingdom and everything else with follow... If God isn't first all you have is a house of cards... John I concur, the OP should seek a relationship with God through Christ and his whole attitude about the 'Right" thing and his idea about his responsibilities will be decidedly different. Thanks RC

SonInMe1 -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/7/2008 10:56:58 PM)
I think you are finding out the difference between knowing about God and loving Him. Love God, and seek His ways and everything else will line up. Our lives sometimes get complicated. What we felt was good for us often turns out not to be. This is something you are coming to aknowledge. My advice is...look to God and He will show you the right path. First you must commit to Him. Accept Jesus as your Lord in your life. I think the problems youare experiencing now is God calling you to Him. Accept Him and trust Him and your life WILL get better, if not less complicated. I also presume, your child's mother is not a christian? Her problems as a mother will also have answers in Christ. Stop "being" with this lady. Until you find your way in Christ, be pure. If you do accept Him, stay pure until you two get married. Without sex, you will see this lady as who she really is and that will help you to decide if you will marry her or not. This is all pretty tough stuff I am telling you and this forum is probably a poor way to communicate these things and I pray you will not be offended by what I suggest but I think if you follow this advice your life will turn around. Thanks

mikejonesoftn -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/8/2008 10:34:13 PM)
Thanks for the replies. What I ment by her allowing dangerous things for our child are small but important "not" to do or to "do" in my opinion and I think some of you will agree. She may careless let him play with plastic (not bags) it could be small but she things like "it will not hurt him", and I'm just trying tell her it's not important to take a chance on a life like that because she doesn't know. Recently he was diagnosed with an ear infection but she wanted to take him to her choir practice, which contained loud drums and other instrumentals. I disagreed because the loud noises wouldn't be pleasant to his little ear. Just things of that nature. She will disagree with me causing arguments and that is something that I would love to avoid. Is she a Christian? Well, she is one of the reasons I got back into church and started studying the bible again. I dated this girl for 3yrs and almost every Sunday she goes to church and that inspired me to go and learn about God so that I can help the both of us. We have talked about stopping sexual things until we become married, which we both think will be vary hard but it's something that HAS to be done if I'm with her or not. I honestly love this woman and I honestly want to be with her the rest of my life. Despite that we have a child together, if she continues to disagree with me all the time (Not saying I'm right 100% of the time) I couldn't see her being my wife. I am a big believer in the Lord and I WILL do as he says. She believes in the Lord, so hopefully we can both learn to Love him and honor him together.

everythingat -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/9/2008 5:17:05 AM)
IMHO, it sounds like you're being a little over-protective with what the child plays with. About the church and the ear infection, was your son up front with her or in the nursery? Do they have a nursery for when they have choir practice? Most churches do nowadays, I don't see anything wrong with your son being in the nursery...but if he was up front with the band and choir, probably not the best place for a child with sensitive ears. It's very relieving to hear that you love her. I think it's unacceptable to marry a person only because you had a child together. It appears to me that it would be much more destructive for the kid to grow up in that world, then have it be torn apart by divorce. While if the child grows up knowing where his/her parents stand from the beginning, that can be worked with for the child's benefit. I strongly believe you should not have any sexual relations at all, especially at this present state of your relationship. Granted, I don't believe you should have sexual relations before you're married in any relationship...but from a secular point of view, your relationship is too fragile at the moment...sex complicates things. From the disagreements you listed, I don't see why you would refuse to marry her. It would take a lot more than those minor arguments to keep me away from the woman I love, and from what you said...the woman you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. You could do much worse. And what you said about it being very hard to not have sex...it probably won't be as hard as you think. You know those moments when you feel the most tempted to go to that next level...see what creates those moments, and prevent the situation from happening so you won't be tempted to give in. Only you and the Lord know when those moments are...sex is never something that "just happens." There are moments leading up...and that's what you have to cut out.

mikejonesoftn -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/9/2008 11:57:37 AM)
quote: About the church and the ear infection, was your son up front with her or in the nursery? Do they have a nursery for when they have choir practice? Most churches do nowadays, I don't see anything wrong with your son being in the nursery...but if he was up front with the band and choir, probably not the best place for a child with sensitive ears. Yea, the he would have been in the actual practice. She goes to small church where, the is no nursery and the actual practice room is the entire church. That is why I suggested he do not go, since he would be so up in front with the sound.

cow451 -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/9/2008 1:44:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mikejonesoftn quote: About the church and the ear infection, was your son up front with her or in the nursery? Do they have a nursery for when they have choir practice? Most churches do nowadays, I don't see anything wrong with your son being in the nursery...but if he was up front with the band and choir, probably not the best place for a child with sensitive ears. Yea, the he would have been in the actual practice. She goes to small church where, the is no nursery and the actual practice room is the entire church. That is why I suggested he do not go, since he would be so up in front with the sound. Go take a parenting course TOGETHER. You two obviously aren't mature enough to get married or have a child. Oops, too late on that second one.

Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/14/2008 10:44:12 PM)
As a believer (first) and a mother/grandmother (second), this thread really disturbs me in several ways. Honey, you are growing up in an era that wants to make people think that it is all right to have sex without marriage, but this is clearly wrong. I am glad you have started going to church, but you have likely heard the saying (or one something like it), "Going to church will not make you a believer any more than sitting in a garage will turn you into a Mercedes Benz." A believer is someone who makes the choice to be a follower of the L-rd; a follower of the L-rd is someone who repents of their sin; repentance is specifically admitting your sin and turning from it with a heart that will not return to it. The Bible says that we are not to commit fornication. It says to flee fornication. The first thing you need to do, then, is stop fornicating and give your life over to live in His righteousness. What good does it do you, your friend, or you child for you to continue in sin? None! It may satisfy the flesh, but that is short-term; live for long-term -- what will benefit all in the long run. Did I write that it would be easy? NO, I did not. As far as marrying your friend, I seriously do not believe you are ready for marriage, although you seem more mature than she is. (Please forgive me for writing that, but remember: you asked!) However, what if what appears to me to be immaturity is the result of her own difficulty with her sin and her not facing it honestly before G-d? She apparently knows about G-d; she has been churched. But another concern is that the church allows her to be part of ministry -- singing in the choir -- while the two of you are living together? Do they know? If so, that is amazing to me -- well, sort of, in a way, I guess, maybe a little. As far as your child playing with plastic, what plastic? You said it isn't bags. Okay, good. But what plastic? In what way is it dangerous? I know that there are lead-laden plastics and other toys; is this what you intend? Regarding taking your child out in the weather, just make sure his ears are covered. Unless he has a severe inner-ear problem, drums are very unlikely to hurt him. However, right now, the three most important things are your soul's condition, her soul's condition, and how this child will be reared -- to know the L-rd because his parents are living in the L-rd's righteousness before him. 1. Get yourself right with G-d and get your own place to live. 2. Stand up and be a man with her. If you want to marry her, ask her what she wants regarding marriage to you by asking her and telling her you don't want to hear the answer for a week, then you want an answer. 3. Don't have sex with her until and unless you are married. Stop it. Now! 4. If you are going to marry her, get marriage prep counseling from a reputable believer. 5. Put the wedding off long enough so that you can be sure you both really want this. You have known her for 3 years; you can wait a little longer, if you love her. 6. And writing of "if you love her," IF YOU LOVE HER, you will stop activities that hurt her. Fornication hurts her, whether or not either you or she admits it, whether or not she wants it. If you love her, you will STOP! Period. 7. And finally, don't think that either love or marriage mean you will always agree. That is just wrong. Marriage is partly learning how to live and love together whether or not you agree, learning how to grow through adversity. You are to love her as the L-rd loves His people, as he laid down His life for His people, you are to lay down your life for her. She is to respect you. Love does not mean that you give in to everything, nor does respect mean that she will always agree with you.

Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Decision making for our child. (6/14/2008 10:46:23 PM)
And by the way, you never really answered whether or not she is a believer, but you did write: quote: I am a big believer in the Lord and I WILL do as he says. She believes in the Lord, so hopefully we can both learn to Love him and honor him together. If He is L-rd to you, you will do as he says. And you wrote that you would. Time to get scootin' and do what He says, then.

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