I need some advice (Full Version)

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needtochange -> I need some advice (6/7/2008 8:31:13 AM)

2 months ago I moved to Puerto RIco with my husband, this is his home. Well I am so miserable here that we have decided to go back. The reason I am miserable is because he completely changed when we got here. I mean this place is way different than my home, but he could have made it better.

For one it took him a month to even begin looknig for work. We only came here with about $1000. His father told us that he would help us, but then never did. So we have been so broke since we got here that we had to get on foodstamps and WIC. We also have to ask his sisters on a regular basis to buy diapers for the kids. It is miserable. We have no AC, no TV and I only get to leave the house once a week and that is to go grocery shopping. Meanwhile, my husband leaves me here every day to go goof off with his father and family. I have been so miserable that I am physically sick to my stomach every day. I do not speak Spanish, so I don't have any friends here. The only reason we have internet is because they didn't ask for the money upfront, and it will be cut off on the 19th. In the states he helped me all the time. Since we got here, he only helps me when I am crying about it. It is 100% hearder here to get anything accomplished and he never helps. He spent out stimulus check on a car that doesn't work, I have never even seen the stupid thing.

So, I made the decision to go back home. I told my husband that he is welcome to go with me if he wants to and he said he would. A friend paid for our tickets and we leave next Friday.

However today I found a note to me that he never gave me and it has really upset me. I HATE Puerto Rico. I never want to move back here, but that is what his note says his plan is. He said that he is willing to move back to the states as long as we both work and we both go to school. He also said that one way or another he will move back to PR. WHich means to me that he will either leave me in a few years, or one of us is doomed to be unhappy for the rest of our lives. I CAN NOT LIVE IN PR. I have thought of suicide often since being here.

Before we ever had children, I told him that I wanted to be a SAHM. I do not want strangers raising my children. That is my job. Well he bought an expensive car before we were married and the payments were killing us. SO I had to get a job in the states. HE refused to trade it in for something cheaper, even though it was hurting us.

Now when I talk about getting a job at a daycare, so that I can at least be near the kids each day, he says "no you need to get a better paying job, daycares don't pay". Now I must tell you that every daycare job I have ever had, pays me better than his job he FINALLY got here in PR.

Since we have been here, I have had to rely soley on him to get anything accomplished since I don't speak SPanish and he has disappointed me in every decision he has made. It is like he just doesn't care about our family.

I am thinking about telling him just to not come back with us. I just don't think that if we are on two different pages our marriage will ever work. I love him and I want this to work, but I also don't want to be so miserable every day for the rest of my life.

He plans on saving every dime we make in the states to come back here and I am not willing to work to move back to a country I hate living in. I am not willing to give up my children's education or time with my kids to move back to this country.

What should we do? Does the bible really say I must obey him, even if I am physically sick from his terrible decisions? Even if he never puts me and the kids above his own desires?

Sorry this is so long and rambling. I have no one I can talk to, because he got mad at me for telling my best friend about him wasting our stimulus check on a useless car.



manda59 -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 8:41:38 AM)

Do you have any family back in the States? Or at least church family where you used to live?



needtochange -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 8:43:38 AM)

I have a ton of friends back in the states, who are all Christians.

I wanted to add before anybody thinks maybe I am spoiled and that is why I hate it here, that we also have no hot water in our home. THe house is also infested with ants, some that bite my children.



ta_mosquito -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 8:57:04 AM)

I lived in PR for a couple months. It's definitely a different world. (And yes, the ants are crazy. Buy stock in plastic food containers! I was amazed that they even got into my CEREAL!)

Did you two discuss goals and dreams for future family when you were dating? Did you BOTH agree that you would be a SAHM, or was that only what YOU wanted? (I'm not saying it's wrong; I'm just wondering how much you two were in agreement before you united.)

My advice: move back to the States with your husband. While there, get marital counseling. Between this and your past affairs, you two really need to take a serious look at your marriage and how to build it back up.

Don't hold that letter against your husband. He did not give it to you; for all you know, he was venting in it and didn't mean half the things he said. Maybe he did, but since he did not give it to you, you cannot count it as credible.



Hislittleone -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 1:44:30 PM)

Moving to a different country is EXTREMELY difficult. I'm sure you're experiencing a bit of culture shock. And it doesn't sound like your husband is helping you with the adjustment at all. If you ever plan on living in another country you need to learn the language first and gain as much knowledge as possible about the culture. If a couple doesn't have a strong marriage this kind of life changing move can be almost impossible. The lack of hot water and ants and language barrier are issues that can be worked through but not with a husband who isn't providing financial and emotional support for his family.

I think with your husband behaving this way it's time to move back to the States.....at least for now. If you two can work out your differences and you see that he's being a wonderful, supportive husband then maybe you could reconsider moving. But don't do it until you KNOW he's going to be different. Give him a long period of time to prove himself to you while living in your country of origin.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 2:50:20 PM)

If your husband is willing to come back to the States, come back. Get some counseling, get help for your marriage, stabilize yourselves some.

But I do while you're here it would be a good idea to learn Spanish and get your family involved in the Puerto Rican expat community in your area, if there is one. I do not believe it would be Biblical to divorce over him wanting to live in Puerto Rico, so in a few years, you may indeed need to go back. But if this time your marriage is stable, your finances are better, and you know the language and are more familiar with the culture, it won't be nearly as hard. That way you won't be so dependent on him, you will be able to get out and about, and you can make friends. You can't be the only English speaking person in the country, so while you're still in PR, you might find it helpful to look for other expats and get some commisseration.

On a sort of a side note--we are privelaged in the States to have excellent educational opportunities, hot water in most homes, and comparitively cheap luxuries like internet and TV. However, these are not divorcible issues. They are not even life necessities. I have lived without all of these things in my husband's home country, and it was a hard adjustment, but it was possible to adjust. You are very fortunate to be able to come back to the States in order to have these things, but millions live without them and still grow up to be fine, high-quality people. [;)]



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 2:56:55 PM)

BTW, I am coming at this from the perspective of someone who is in a cross-cultural marriage and we have lived in both countries.

A missionary once told me that she and all of the missionaries she has ever known all went through a time of depression and even *hatred* of the country they had chosen to live in, several months into their stay. Even having chosen to go there, and living a lifestyle that was well above what most natives would attain (having hot water and western food and hired help, for instance) they still went through this. But they stuck with it, found ways to cope, and eventually adjusted to and then began to love the life.

My husband went through a similar thing when he came to the States. He is still homesick for his country and family, but he doesn't hate living here anymore, which is a relief for me. While you are going through this, please remember that your hatred for living in your husband's country and any comments you make about his culture are going to be deeply hurtful to him, so be careful about the way you express your frustrations.



needtochange -> RE: I need some advice (6/7/2008 11:09:12 PM)

Thank you all for your replies, I truly appreciate them :).

I did end up talking to him about the note today. He made me feel better. I know we will still need a lot of counseling when we get back to the states. We both have some anger issues to deal with.



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