How would you approach the situation? (Full Version)

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BugLady -> How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 1:20:21 AM)

Someone very dear to me said some very hateful things to me. In fact, their behavior toward me was bizarre. So bizarre it frightened me. This is someone I had always trusted. Yet I also learned they had lied to me. It's been almost a year since this happened. I've spoken to them by phone a couple of times, and they act as if nothing happened between us.

I've been dealing with some significant challenges in my life, that cannot be well understood by people who have not witnessed my journey first hand. I have physical symptoms and I am being treated by two different doctors as a result of what's happened in my life. Recently my symptoms have worsened. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched all the time. Crazy, huh?

What I suspect is this person is disappointed in me and thinks I should just pick myself up by my bootstraps and get on with my life. But I also sense in my spirit that they are keeping the truth from me. The truth is what I need to get on with my life. When I know the truth then I can have resolution. When I have resolution I can move forward.

I've been reluctant to see this person, because I'm concerned they will deny what happened between us and it may just make things worse. But having this unresolved issue with them is weighing heavy on my heart. How would you approach this situation? Any sincere insight would be appreciated.

Edit: for spelling error



OneJohn410 -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 2:12:07 AM)

BugLady,
Please edit your post a little bit?
It sounds like you have recently learned someone lied to you about something that disturbed you a year ago, yet that you didn't act on it when it happened because you didn't know it was a lie. Either that, or you've had a nagging hurt for a year, and then learned you'd been lied to as well, and now it's an even bigger hurt.

There's a lot of phobias that have been documented, like heights, germs on hands, and on the list goes. I don't know of anyone who feels like they are always being watched (no one has admitted it to me anyway), so I don't know that I'd notice it, or know how to see it happening to think it was crazy.

I don't know if knowing when hurtful things were said, when you learned you'd been lied to, or how long you've been hurting would help me answer this any differently.

If I felt that they might not remember what happened a year ago, and for all I know they are a different person now than they were then, I wouldn't press them to admit to anything that would have caused you hurt. Especially if you have no reason to believe they are trying to continue to put you down. I would approach the situation in prayer and ask God to take this burden away from you, that you don't want to dwell on it anymore. I'd forgive them in my own heart for things, and look to replace that with something positive in my life. Then I'd continue distancing myself from them if they still seem like the same hurtful person, pray for them, and seek some new friends.

Keeping you in prayer that you can resolve this and keep on keeping on praising the Lord.

OneJohn410



creationtalk -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 7:05:55 AM)

If you really feel that there is something that needs to be brought into the open but you do not feel comfortable being in the presence of this person, I suggest that you contact a trusted person (pastor or counselor) who can serve as an objective witness and moderator of your discussion with this person. Suggest that the person also bring a trusted person if they do not know and trust the person that you have asked. Then meet in a neutral, private place (church meeting room or similar). Be prepared for the person to deny any actions that were out of line and to blame you for what ever happened.

Also think very hard about why you need to confront this person. What do you expect or want to come from it? Decide given what you know about the person if what you want to have happen is likely--and if not, will the confrontation and stress associated with it be worth what is likely to happen...or if the chance that the person will tell the truth is worth the chance that they won't.

I've dealt with a couple of people like that--it got to the point that I recorded every phone conversation or conversation we had in private so that I could be sure of what was said--and could prove it if things got really bad.

I'll pray for you.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 11:41:15 AM)

OneJohn410 and creationtalk,

I didn't just recently learn they lied to me. I actually learned that before I saw them a year ago. That was one of the reasons I went to them. I knew something was not quite right in our relationship and went to them to discuss it, not confront, but to apologize for anything I might have done to cause the problem between us. To resolve things. When I asked what I'd done, and offered an apology for my part for whatever it was, that's when their behavior became bizarre. I won't get into their behavior publicly, but I will say after more than 30 years of knowing this person, I'd never seen them behave that way. There had never been a cross word between over the years. I miss our relationship.

It's not so much that I feel they won't remember. I think they will. But I think their behavior toward me may have in part been a result of a misunderstanding, and they may not want to admit what they did. They may be embarassed they treated me the way they did after realizing the misunderstanding.

I'm not so much carrying the hurt from the incident as feeling the hurt from the broken relationship. I have forgiven this person. I want to restore the relationship, but I don't know if I can without restoring trust. And I don't know if I can trust this person if they don't acknowledge what happened between us.

Oh, and my "phobia" of feeling I am always being watched is a result of being stalked, and not knowing to this day who was doing it.

To be clear, I don't feel I need to confront this person. I just believe they may have answers to unanswered questions that will help me achieve resolution in my life.



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 4:11:33 PM)

You don't need this person... and you don't need any supposed "answers" especially from a source this shaky.

Answers are overrated.

You can live life and close that 'chapter' (achieve resoluion) without diving back into your trauma searching for details from someone that has hurt you.

Are either of your 2 doctors the kind of professional that can help with emotions and meantal health issues? If so, is that person a Chrsitian, working from a Chrisitan perspective? If not, may I suggest you get a third doctor? Those professionals can help you get trought this kind of thing much faster and less painfully than muddling through it alone.



deermousie -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 4:13:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady
I want to restore the relationship, but I don't know if I can without restoring trust. And I don't know if I can trust this person if they don't acknowledge what happened between us.


How does one make a relationship right with a person who lies? If you were the liar, you could confess and repent to them and God, and hopefully the person would graciously accept it.

But the other person is the one who drove the wedge in your relationship. Lying screams at me "weak character!" It's sin. Since you talked to them and they got weird instead of handling it in a biblical fashion, God can change their mind. You've taken a step and they refused it. OK, the Bible says you can go to them with a 2-3 witnesses and see if you can win your brother back, and if they refuse then you can stand up in church and confront them publically. I doubt you'll want to go this far, but the alternative is to accept a watered-down "friendship" that's really a shadow of what you used to have.

quote:

Oh, and my "phobia" of feeling I am always being watched is a result of being stalked, and not knowing to this day who was doing it.

To be clear, I don't feel I need to confront this person. I just believe they may have answers to unanswered questions that will help me achieve resolution in my life.


I'd talk to a counselor about this, as it's pretty common and they'll have an answer. Check it against the Bible before you swallow it, though.

I'm sorry you lost a good friend of long standing. It's a real loss, and needs to be grieved. (((Hugs))) to you, dear one.



jaimestarcross -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 4:14:16 PM)

Are you saying the person whose bizarre behavior maybe the person you suspect of stalking you? Or you suspect they have the info you need about the person who did the stalking?
If that is true maybe it's a good thing to keep them at arm's length.... I'd be very cautious of having a long time friend who'd keep such information to themselves.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 7:06:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

You don't need this person... and you don't need any supposed "answers" especially from a source this shaky.

Answers are overrated.

You can live life and close that 'chapter' (achieve resoluion) without diving back into your trauma searching for details from someone that has hurt you.

Are either of your 2 doctors the kind of professional that can help with emotions and meantal health issues? If so, is that person a Chrsitian, working from a Chrisitan perspective? If not, may I suggest you get a third doctor? Those professionals can help you get trought this kind of thing much faster and less painfully than muddling through it alone.


In my situtation I do need answers. The source isn't necessarily shaky. Their behavior was so out of character for them, I wonder if they might have cognitive issues that brought it about. I'm concerned about their health. Plus I still think there may be some sort of misunderstanding between us.

I just spent about 4 years in counseling that didn't do much to help other than give me someone to talk to about it. We couldn't deal with the root problem because of the complexity of it all, and a lack of answers. With answers comes the truth. With the truth will come resolution.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 7:08:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

I'm sorry you lost a good friend of long standing. It's a real loss, and needs to be grieved. (((Hugs))) to you, dear one.


Thanks for the hug and compassion, deermousie. I still hope the relationship can be restored, though.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 7:10:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

Are you saying the person whose bizarre behavior maybe the person you suspect of stalking you? Or you suspect they have the info you need about the person who did the stalking?
If that is true maybe it's a good thing to keep them at arm's length.... I'd be very cautious of having a long time friend who'd keep such information to themselves.


No, I'm not saying that at all. I suspect they think, like others apparently, I did something I did not do.



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 11:18:40 PM)

Anybody who has "cognitive issues" is shaky, as far as being a source of truth... and some things you just can not and will not ever know. Seeking these things is going to keep you stuck. You don't need answers. Need means a nessesity of life, and no one has ever died of curiosity. You can and will derive just as much freedom by letting go of wanting answers than you would by recieving the answers.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/9/2008 11:38:33 PM)

It's not a matter of curiosity. It's about getting the facts right... and since my life was threatened it sure feels like a matter of life and death. There are people in my community who have the answers. I can't imagine they'd all purposely keep the truth from me to hurt me. They know who they are. They must not realize I need their help. If they read this, perhaps they'll understand I've been waiting for them to come to me with the answers.



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 12:14:47 PM)

Why is it that you feel your life can not continue unless you get the facts right?

The incident is over. Understanding it better is not going to make it not have happened.

I know that peace of mind comes more easily when the facts are plain, but that does not mean an endless quest for facts that are proving difficult to obtain is going to bring you peace. You might, instead, choose to be wise enought to make that peace your goal, instead of the facts. You can have peace without facts... but only if you want peace now MORE than you want to understand what happened back then.

(Although, if it's really as easy as asking the people to tell you what you want to know, it's fine to just ask them --once-- point-blank, and then accept whatever answer they give.)

If those facts are going to tell you whether or not it's safe to stay where you are --- it's not smart to wait until you are sure of a danger. If you are not sure if you are safe, you need to leave, even on a 'maybe'.



jaimestarcross -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 2:10:16 PM)

Why don't you call the police and have them question the people in your neighborhood that you suspect that have information about the person who stalked you?

It seems there's something else going on here because when a person I knew was being stalked(by her ex) the police were called in and all her neighbors were questioned about the situation as to what they've seen or heard around her home etc...



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 3:20:25 PM)

quote:

Why is it that you feel your life can not continue unless you get the facts right?


I did not say my life cannot continue unless I get the facts right. That's a bit dramatic. I merely need accurate facts in order to close this chapter of my life. I'm only asking for those people with the information I need to contact me and explain what happened. They know who they are. If they knew how much I was hurt by this whole incident, maybe then they'd offer some support. Most people who've been through what I have, are offered some sort of support. I don't think I'm asking for much. I've not even been acknowledged. I don't think asking for support is asking too much.

As far as being safe. I'm pretty much a sitting target. They know who and where I am. I don't know who and where they are. I am at a disadvantage. So moving or hiding isn't gonna make me feel any safer.

I started this thread merely hoping for suggestions of how to approach someone to restore a broken relationship.



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 4:52:17 PM)

That's fair enough, to be asking... but you don't always get what you ask for. It's not that you are asking "too much". It's a perfectly reasonable thing to want -- it's just that reality might not live up to your hopes, and you need a plan for if that happens... because it sounds like it's been a while.

At some point you might want to consider continuing your life (closing this chapter) with or without the answers you wish you had. It is possible to do that if you want to.

It sounds like you feel very unafe, that somone is actively and currently victimizing you... somone who is determined enough to go with you if you move to another city or town. If this is true, you need to secure a restraining order and use law enforcement to keep yourself safe. If that is ineffective, I don't know what to tell you... is there a shelter for abused women anywhere nearby? They tend to have good security.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 5:16:59 PM)

I have absolutely no credible evidence that someone is currently victimizing me. I don't think anyone is. But someone was in the past. However, they are still unknown to me. So- they are, in my mind, still a threat to me. They can strike anytime anywhere, because I don't know who to look for. You cannot obtain a restraining order against someone you cannot identify.

If I didn't *know* there are people who do know the answers I'm looking for, I could let it go. But I happen to know there are people who do know those answers. They've made it clear they know. I've been waiting a long time for them to come to me.



pbaribeault -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 10:06:37 PM)

If waiting for them to come to you is not working, and you don't want to let go of your desire to know... you might consider a different tactic, like contacting them and asking them.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 10:15:05 PM)

I know this isn't going to make much sense. If it were that easy to do, believe me, I would have done it already.

Anyway, I've decided not to contact the person I've been speaking of until I get clear direction from the Lord and have a peace about it.



evry1needsgod -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 10:56:11 PM)

BugLady:

I have been reading your posts, and come to the conclusion that it is very hard to give you advice, specifically Godly and Scriptural advice, when the issue at hand remains obscure. I have a few ideas of what you could be going through, and have been through, but I don't know for sure, and therefore don't know which route to take. If it was a simple lie to your face that broke your relationship, then a simple meeting with that person to rebuke him/her for their wrong doing is the best way to go. However, if it was more along the lines of a sexual violation, what needs to be said, the people you need to bring with you, and the conclusion of the relationship after you speak to the person will be different. You see, advice for your situation depends on the aspects of your situation, and it is hard to give you concrete Scriptural advice because you have chosen to obscure your troubles, and rightfully so. Whatever it is, it sounds quite serious, possibly life threatening and dangerous, and I don't blame you for not wanting to get into details. I've been in a situation like that, and found it VERY hard to talk to people about it. I guess that's life. Just continue to read God's Word, and you will find peace in Him, regardless to how grievous your situation may be.

In Christ,
ZG



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 11:14:45 PM)

evry1needsgod,

You're absolutely right. I probably shouldn't have started this thread in the first place. I just thought that people might have suggestions for approaching the situation. But I see with as obscure as I've been, and as you said, rightfully so, it simply can't be done.

As to their lie to me, I can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the lie was a result of misinformation they received, which would mean it wasn't a lie on their part. There is also the possibility they "misinformed" me thinking they were keeping me from making a wrong move. I dunno. It just puzzles me as I have always known them to be a person of integrity.

And to be clear, this particular person did not physically harm me.



evry1needsgod -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 11:35:33 PM)

quote:

You're absolutely right. I probably shouldn't have started this thread in the first place.


No, no, no, you're fine! I'm sure this thread has helped you...and if not, it's definitely encouraged me!

quote:

And to be clear, this particular person did not physically harm me.


Thank God!

Well, I will definitely pray for you tonight! Ive been in a relationship full of lies once, but it did not lead me to counseling and the such.

I have a feeling there were actions that occurred before the lie or lies in your situation, and actions and/or consequences after the lie or lies, which makes your situation very difficult. It also seems as though you aren't very sure who all is involved, correct? If all of this is true, it sounds much like my previous situation years ago, and to be quite honest with you, the hated phrase "just get over it" usually applies. I dealt with this for over a year, and it definitely wasn't a pleasant experience. I let it get the best of me, and I tried dealing with it myself, in anger, revenge, and spite. I finally gave it up to the Lord, and let HIM deal with it. BOY, let me tell you, the feeling I had after I finally gave it to the Lord was almost the same feeling I had when I became a child of God. The burden that was lifted in ineffable. I just needed to "get over it", and give it to the Lord for Him to deal with. He doesn't mind! That's what He's there for. But I do not know exactly the situation you are in, and in your case, it may be necessary to pursue this a bit further. Whatever your choice may be, I will pray that the Lord will give you guidance, and most importantly, WISDOM. Just make sure you do what GOD wants you to do, not what YOU want you to do. Make sure that what you FEEL is right is not your flesh telling you it's right. Talk to someone you can trust, such as a pastor or parent, to give you Scriptural guidance for your next step. God bless you!



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/10/2008 11:45:43 PM)

quote:

I have a feeling there were actions that occurred before the lie or lies in your situation, and actions and/or consequences after the lie or lies, which makes your situation very difficult.


Very difficult. Most people haven't a clue just how difficult. Including most of my family.

quote:

It also seems as though you aren't very sure who all is involved, correct?


Correct. This is what is the most disturbing. I know who may have information about the situation, but not who actually was involved.

Thank you for the prayers. I SO appreciate them.



jaimestarcross -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/11/2008 12:36:48 AM)

I think your situation calls for someone more qualified like a counselor or maybe even hiring a private detective to investigate what happened to you in the past... and check out the people you "know" that have information you need. It may well be worth the money.

Cryptic posts are difficult to answer because we can't be told too much.



BugLady -> RE: How would you approach the situation? (6/11/2008 12:59:14 AM)

Sorry. I wasn't my intent to be cryptic.



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