DH read email-lost trust (Full Version)

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miscindy -> DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 3:38:30 PM)

I have a Christian friend I e-mail with and we share prayer requests for each other's marriages. I sent her an e-mail telling her that a long-standing difficulty in my marriage seems to be getting worse and I asked that she pray for dh to see the sinfulness of his behavior and confess to Christ.

I did not give her any more details about the problem than I just gave you. I kept it private. However . . . dh was using my laptop when her response e-mail came in and he read it. I am not interested in whether or not he should have been reading my email, the point is he read it and was deeply hurt.

DH is not a Christian and therefore doesn't understand (even though I tried to explain) that all humans have sin that needs to be confessed. He said he was very disappointed that I felt he was such a terrible person and he's glad to know how I really feel about him. We talked about it and he said he's not mad at me, he can't change how I feel. I tried to explain to him that when I have a problem, I pray about it and that's what I was trying to do in this situation. He understands that I didn't share the details of the problem, but mistakenly thinks I see him as a horrible "sinful" man.

It's been a week now. He's still acting very hurt. He'll appear fine and then a few times a day give me little comments like "I will just pretend to be the perfect person and not show you who I really am" or "Are you going to be offended? I think there's some nudity in this movie!" When I say something nice to him, he blows it off. He's also doing extra chores around the house that I usually do--dishes etc . . . I've been saying "thanks-I appreciate that," "The lawn looks nice ," etc . . . His response over and over again has been "I have many talents" or "See I can be useful."

He knows I didn't try to hurt him. Obviously I wasn't expecting him to read the email. It didn't help that in my friend's response, she listed specific behaviors of her dh that she was having trouble with. It looks like we were "husband-bashing," when what I really wanted was prayer from a friend. But now, he no longer trusts me and we are both hurting so much about this.

How can I help him understand that I love him unconditionally--when he took the email to mean I think he's a bad person?



KatMack -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 4:01:05 PM)

I wish I had an answer. DH and I struggle with a similar problem. He's not a believer and their are certain behaviors that he saw no problem with but I took major issue with. We've since worked out a bit of a compromise, but it was difficult.

Jeepers, I wish I had an answer for you! [:@] I'll be praying for you both, just wanted to give you that.

--Kat



pbaribeault -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 4:24:16 PM)

My advice is to stop any apologetic behaviour that you might be engaging in, and rather reaffirm each time that he broaches the subject that, yes, you do think he is a sinner, but that you mean it in the technical sense, not in the horrible sense.

So, with a smile...

"Yes, you are a very useful sinner. Me too! Maybe that's why we get along reasonably well."

"Hey, I only know one perfect guy... You know, that one who died on the cross to make me pure... Wait a minute! Do you want to be pure too? Cause I know how that works!"

"Psst... did you know I'm nude under these clothes? I think it was a mistake... God is such a stuck up prude, so I'm sure He wouldn't do that on purpose. Hey, He didn't accidentally make you nude too did he? That could be handy..."



KatMack -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 4:45:12 PM)

pbaribeault makes a great point. Humor can be a wonderful way to start the healing process. After DH's and mine's "issues" we gradually started making jokes about it. I lovingly call him my "Heathen Husband" now. Being able to be light about it has actually opened up some great opportunities to share the gospel with him in a non-confrontational way. Just tread carefully. It takes time to get to that point... and even amidst the jokes, my heart DOES still break that he is lost. [:(]

--Kat



evryknee -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 6:54:01 PM)

He's struggling with not meeting your standards. He does not measure up. He's not successful as a husband. To men, success means a lot. He feels like a failure, so you may need to show him your support for him and love for him in other ways. That is good that you are giving him compliments. "You are not a failure as a husband." "I love you for who you are and accept you for who you are."

Have you talked about the areas where you struggle with him? Have you talked about the areas where he struggles with you? It is good to know that neither of you are perfect. He may desire that you are a sex goddess, bvut you may not be. He may desire that you cook his favorite meal weekly and give him backrubs, etc... Conceptualizing in the terms of desiring more from the other person, but not demanding it (becomes an idol), and accepting the person for who they are and where they are in life, are, I think, positive steps.

Finally, He's trying to earn your love by doing extra things. He's trying to earn your love. This, actually, can be an intro to the gospel. You can't earn love. It is freely given. All you have to do is accept it. Yet he feels like he must earn it - Don't we all feel that way to some extent. Yet, this is grace - God's love freely given - we don't deserve it, but we get it because of His love.



CherishedbyGod -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 10:43:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: miscindy

It's been a week now. He's still acting very hurt.



He is acting very hurt because he is very hurt and you betrayed his trust.



Liveloved -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 11:00:03 PM)

quote:

How can I help him understand that I love him unconditionally--when he took the email to mean I think he's a bad person?


Give it time. He'll get over it and so will you. If your dh is not a believer, these things don't make sense to him---and they shouldn't. You did no wrong. Praying for him with your friend is a wonderful thing. If he understood that, he would be pleased. But he can't. So give him the grace that he needs. And just be your normal, natural self with him. Bless you.[:)]



CherishedbyGod -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/9/2008 11:09:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Liveloved

quote:

How can I help him understand that I love him unconditionally--when he took the email to mean I think he's a bad person?


You did no wrong. Praying for him with your friend is a wonderful thing. If he understood that, he would be pleased.



I disagree. As one who has had their trust betrayed, I tell you it is a horrible thing and a marriage destroyer.



Stronger2day -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/10/2008 1:28:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CherishedbyGod

quote:

ORIGINAL: Liveloved

quote:

How can I help him understand that I love him unconditionally--when he took the email to mean I think he's a bad person?


You did no wrong. Praying for him with your friend is a wonderful thing. If he understood that, he would be pleased.



I disagree. As one who has had their trust betrayed, I tell you it is a horrible thing and a marriage destroyer.


Please help me to understand how confiding in another Christian with general details and requesting prayer is so wrong? Bouncing ideas off from another married woman? Asking for prayer? Rcvng general advice? I am just trying to understand where you are coming from CherishedbyGod- no disrespect intended.



car2ner -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/10/2008 6:10:24 AM)

It may not be the going for support, advice and prayer...it is the feeling of having someone go behind his back with it, probably.



timf -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/10/2008 8:09:28 AM)

How can I help him understand that I love him unconditionally--when he took the email to mean I think he's a bad person?

It hurts to find out that someone sees you as "bad". When this is a surprise and from someone who you had given complete trust, it can be exceptionally painful.

Most unsaved people and quite a few Christians see Christianity as "being good". What they often do not understand is that Christianity is about no one being good and all needing the "goodness" of Jesus.

I tell my wife that when we get to heaven and she sees how black my heart really was, she will be able to say, "You were right all along, I was the good one". To this she laughs and says just wait till you see my heart.

You may want to tell your husband of the love you have for him. That your love is not limited to his temporary comfort but that he would know truth and joy that can come to a heart surrendered to Jesus.

It looks like we were "husband-bashing

You may want to tell him how you can see that it looks like your were trashing his character and you apologize for the pain this caused. You might explain that your request for general prayer for him resulted in a list of complaints from your friend such that you suspect that your request may have been lost in the issues your friend is dealing with.

If your husband sees Christianity as "being good" or conforming to church activities, he may never develop an interest in learning about Jesus. It may help to cultivate friendship with an older wiser woman who clearly shows the light and love of Jesus in her life. If your husband were to read an email from someone showing this love, he might be more drawn to Jesus than turned away in pain.



miscindy -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/10/2008 4:15:01 PM)

Update: Last night after the kids were in bed, we were watching tv when suddenly dh said, "So why is it suddenly after 20 years that I'm no longer good enough for you?" And so the conversation began . . . We were slowly able to talk it out. He told me how much it hurt him to read the message. He also said because I was trying to be so vague in the email (and not tell my friend the details), it was easy to read more into it then was there. He was wondering if I had lawyers lined up for divorce or something! Anyway, I wanted to give an update. Finallly, a few hours later we had talked though this issue as well as the one I was asking for prayer about in the first place and fell into bed way too late, but at least peacefully.



pbaribeault -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/10/2008 4:54:33 PM)

Beautiful...



CherishedbyGod -> RE: DH read email-lost trust (6/10/2008 11:20:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: miscindy

Update: Last night after the kids were in bed, we were watching tv when suddenly dh said, "So why is it suddenly after 20 years that I'm no longer good enough for you?" And so the conversation began . . . We were slowly able to talk it out. He told me how much it hurt him to read the message. He also said because I was trying to be so vague in the email (and not tell my friend the details), it was easy to read more into it then was there. He was wondering if I had lawyers lined up for divorce or something! Anyway, I wanted to give an update. Finallly, a few hours later we had talked though this issue as well as the one I was asking for prayer about in the first place and fell into bed way too late, but at least peacefully.


That is sooo very special. Thank you for sharing that! God must have His loving eye upon your DH and wonderful plans for you as a couple[:)]



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