adoptive and foster parents

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drmomjoyce -> adoptive and foster parents (6/10/2008 2:59:34 PM)
HI all is there a thread for parenting foster and/or adoptive children. I have been fostering on a relief basis for 2 and half years and 3 months ago adopted my 4 year old son - who i had fostered in the past. I would love to connect with others so we can share common issues which are specific to these children. If there is already a thread or a group like this, can you let me know Joyce

NotDoneYet -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/10/2008 6:13:09 PM)
Hi Drmomjoyce... we are the custodial parents of our grandchildren (it's a LONG story). We've had them for almost 2 years now, and there are times it's rough...they went through a lot before we got them. Would love to talk! NDY

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/11/2008 6:11:26 PM)
THanks NDY Although a lot of my things i would love to discuss fall under other headings, I think with these kids (i want to call them displaced but that doesnt sound right and non-biological kids may also not be right ) Either way i think with these little people, they come with a whole different set of issues. Right now my boy struggles with what goes into his mouth and what goes out of his body - a common issue with these people. He has been home for 3 months now and the last few weeks have been better in relation to constipation but he holds it in until the day dot. I have tried warm baths, sitting him on the pot or the toilet for a period of time, i have talked to him about taking time aside to go - nothing seemed to work except a laxative and ignoring it. But now we are toilet training and he has the peeing down pat and could easily go all day with out a nappy for peeing but he cant seem to get the other job done. All day today he has been trying to go but will happily distract himself so he doesnt need to go. I have sent him to his room for a time to focus - although i didnt say why i want him in his room, i have put him back in a nappy to see if that helps and right now he is in a warm bath to see if that will work. Its mostly psychological as he is now dosed up with the laxative. Any ideas?? Joyce

MyMasquerade -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/11/2008 7:01:10 PM)
I have been thinking of a foster child. I got the application and just never sent it back. I wasn't sure that I was ready for it. I think what scares me about it, would be us becoming a family with a child then that child being taken away.

NotDoneYet -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/11/2008 7:15:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drmomjoyce THanks NDY Although a lot of my things i would love to discuss fall under other headings, I think with these kids (i want to call them displaced but that doesnt sound right and non-biological kids may also not be right ) Either way i think with these little people, they come with a whole different set of issues. Right now my boy struggles with what goes into his mouth and what goes out of his body - a common issue with these people. He has been home for 3 months now and the last few weeks have been better in relation to constipation but he holds it in until the day dot. I have tried warm baths, sitting him on the pot or the toilet for a period of time, i have talked to him about taking time aside to go - nothing seemed to work except a laxative and ignoring it. But now we are toilet training and he has the peeing down pat and could easily go all day with out a nappy for peeing but he cant seem to get the other job done. All day today he has been trying to go but will happily distract himself so he doesnt need to go. I have sent him to his room for a time to focus - although i didnt say why i want him in his room, i have put him back in a nappy to see if that helps and right now he is in a warm bath to see if that will work. Its mostly psychological as he is now dosed up with the laxative. Any ideas?? Joyce I'm sorry, I don't have any idea.... Our granddaughters are currently "testing" us...it seems. They will be SO naughty and destructive, occasionally taking things and hiding them in their rooms...we just discipline them and assure them we love them...and will never give them away. The older girl was taken out of her mother's arms when her mother was arrested...the girls ended up with their father, who later told the girls their mother was dead. He asked us to take the girls for a month because he needed a "break"...what a break...here we are almost 2 years later! Hmmm....have you thought that maybe this is a control issue with your young one? He may not feel he has much control over anything else, but he CAN control that? Anyway...here's to all of us who are starting over... NDY

pbaribeault -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/11/2008 8:34:34 PM)
Are you expecting a BM every day? (Some kids are not built like that, esp if they have food sensitivities). My dr said that with my dd (as a toddler, not yet potty trained) not to worry for 5 to 7 days, then to give a children's glycerin suppository. She recommended firmly against laxatives (but in favour of plenty of daily fibre - I did puree prunes & ground flax seed in oatmeal every morning, and a teaspoon of flavoured Omega 3 fish oil.) Suppositories work fast and the BM comes easy & without pain, even if it is firm... you could pop it in when you have him positioned for a diaper change, then head to the potty in 5 minutes to wait for it to come out. I found after I used a suppository, 2 or 3 less firm / more ordinary BMs 'behind' the firm one came out over that day, then we went for a few days again. This did pass as my dd's digestion became more mature and self regulated, but every 1.5-2.5 days is still normal for her.

waiting2be_called -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/11/2008 10:24:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MyMasquerade I have been thinking of a foster child. I got the application and just never sent it back. I wasn't sure that I was ready for it. I think what scares me about it, would be us becoming a family with a child then that child being taken away. It's a tough job, but I think that children's services would make sure you know what all it entails...hopefully. My mom has fostered a family of three for the past 5 years, and my husband and I are their relief caregivers. We also do relief parenting for other children, and two years ago ended up moving in with my mom, so we are now considered co-parents of the threee children in her care. Actually, it is currently just two children as the oldest (a 15 y/o girl) has decided to run away, again. DH and I have also put in a plan to adopt a little boy that I met through the group home that I work at, but we have to wait (understandably so) until the baby I am currently pregnant with is so many months old. As for the constipation problem, is it possible to use a fibre supplement? We use Benefibre at my work because the children can't see or taste it. Their pediatrician suggested it and it works very well! We have very few "back up" problems anymore.

NotDoneYet -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/11/2008 11:05:26 PM)
We've discussed foster parenting...but we're not in a position to do it right now...we also take care of my mom who is disabled...and more kids would be a little too much right now. BUT...it's something that weighs very heavy on our hearts...we've discussed that we'd probably only take sibling groups...so the kids could stay together. We have a big house and more than enough room. We'll see what happens...

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/12/2008 9:54:48 AM)
THanks for your email Its totally a control issue but now that he is settled here i hoped that it would go away. The problem is that in the past he couldnt control much and this he could and now it has backfired on him in that he controls it to the point of pain as when he needs to go he holds it in too long and then he cant get it out. On a side note - do you have custody of these children and does he come and see them?? Joyce

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/12/2008 10:02:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pbaribeault Are you expecting a BM every day? (Some kids are not built like that, esp if they have food sensitivities). My dr said that with my dd (as a toddler, not yet potty trained) not to worry for 5 to 7 days, then to give a children's glycerin suppository. She recommended firmly against laxatives (but in favour of plenty of daily fibre - I did puree prunes & ground flax seed in oatmeal every morning, and a teaspoon of flavoured Omega 3 fish oil.) Suppositories work fast and the BM comes easy & without pain, even if it is firm... you could pop it in when you have him positioned for a diaper change, then head to the potty in 5 minutes to wait for it to come out. I found after I used a suppository, 2 or 3 less firm / more ordinary BMs 'behind' the firm one came out over that day, then we went for a few days again. This did pass as my dd's digestion became more mature and self regulated, but every 1.5-2.5 days is still normal for her. Hi and thanks for your queries I dont expect it every day but i know when he needs to go. He will stop and go to a place alone and try to push. As he has the impulse to push, he may try for a half a minute or so until the desire has subsided and then he goes and plays again. This can continue all day but by the end of the day it is accompanied by crying, whining and some yelling. He has been on a laxative for some years and prior to coming home was needing it less. But then over the last few weeks i have been starting to use it again- not that i like too as its not good to be on that stuff on an ongoing basis. I tried giving him a dose of prune juice every day and htat seemed to do well for him for a while. I think its mostly in his head - and I dont mean that in a horrible way. As for supps, that is my final resort. He is quite upset when i give them to the point of going off colour and i find he feeds degraded when i give it (oh BTW he has cardiac issues and is also 4 years old). So i avoid it until i cant avoid it anymore. I am trying to see if anyone knows of how i can help him more from a behaviour perspective?? Any ideas?? thanks for reading and responding Joyce

pbaribeault -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/12/2008 10:24:00 AM)
I didn't realize he was 4 (In my imagination I was advising more of a 2/3 year old, like my own). I can see how he would react badly to having a supp inserted! I imagine it really is quite a violating kind of feeling.

PrincessDonna -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/12/2008 11:08:15 AM)
quote: He has been on a laxative for some years and prior to coming home was needing it less. But then over the last few weeks i have been starting to use it again- not that i like too as its not good to be on that stuff on an ongoing basis. I tried giving him a dose of prune juice every day and htat seemed to do well for him for a while. I think its mostly in his head - and I dont mean that in a horrible way. I have an 8 year old who is Miralax on a long term basis. Sometimes when they hold it for so long, it does become more than a mental thing, and their body needs help for a while to get it back on track. Chronic constipation can also do things like rearrange your intestines in such a way that they don't "flow" right, which is what happened to my son. If he does not do well with invasive things like suppositories and enemas (and I don't blame him!), I would talk to the doctor about keeping him on a low dose laxative like Miralax. Allowing constipation to be chronic is not going to help your problem AT ALL, believe me.[&o] It's better to keep him going even if you have to use medicine to do it.

NotDoneYet -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/12/2008 7:58:02 PM)
We do have full custody of the girls. Finally. He comes around their birthdays for a few days...and calls when he thinks about it. I'm just thankful that we were awarded custody...full and permanent.

Roberta_ -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/15/2008 4:31:48 PM)
I'm just an adoptee and a birthmom, but I'll be praying for y'all!

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/17/2008 9:38:19 PM)
Just a wee update - i was recommended to up his lactulose which i am reluctant to do but still did it once. Now he has no control at all as it jsut is liquid coming out. So i am backing off on that and going to try flax and probiotic and see if he will just ride it out and let his system work it out. Sometimes i am in such despair as there is no answer and no where you turn can people give answers. Our other issue has been eating, he pouches food, refuses to eat and meal times become a battle. Lately that is going better until his bowels get full again. I think this will resolve in time. My last query of the night :) is about openness in adoption. When we did the course we were encouraged to think about openness and there is this huge shift that way. When i spoke to my SW about it, her only responce was crown ward with no access. I was thinking that one day he might like to meet them and me giving an update once a year might be easier for transistion. Have i got rocks in my head or is there something in keeping up limited updates for the mum esp. Maybe DenimDIva your input would be really welcome here - among others too :) Many thanks Joyce

Roberta_ -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/17/2008 11:19:24 PM)
I think that communication between adoptive and birth families needs to be done on a case by case basis. If he was in foster care, there is a good chance there was abuse and you might want to consider having communication through some type of agency only.

baabaasheep2006 -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/18/2008 7:28:54 AM)
Don't know if mine is the only family where all my 1st cousins are adopted. One of my Aunts and Uncles fostered and then adopted 3 children, (my other aunt and uncle did the same), and are at the moment looking after one of their grandchildren full time because of certain issues (long story but he was taken off his mum and his dad is not allowed to have him by law). I know for them although it was hard at times they never gave up on those children, some of the foster children still think of them as mum and dad. Growing up with my aunts and uncles fostering was great for me, i had a lot of children to play with, although i never fully understood what was going off i still thought of them as family. When my aunts and uncle eventually adopted the last foster children it felt like they were my cousins already (and still are). Just be prepared it's not easy but the rewards are worth it

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/18/2008 10:23:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DenimDiva I think that communication between adoptive and birth families needs to be done on a case by case basis. If he was in foster care, there is a good chance there was abuse and you might want to consider having communication through some type of agency only. I know the info i gave was really sketchy - but there is no history of abuse - neglect but only because of lack of skills or maturity. In your opioion if you wanted to find your parents when you were 18 would you have preferred them to have been updated on a yearly basis (and i was only thinking of sending a pic at Christmas and an update thru the agency) or would it not make any difference to you. Or do you think its too hard for the family to deal with ... I dont know - maybe i am beating a dead horse THanks Joyce

Roberta_ -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/18/2008 11:29:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drmomjoyce quote: ORIGINAL: DenimDiva I think that communication between adoptive and birth families needs to be done on a case by case basis. If he was in foster care, there is a good chance there was abuse and you might want to consider having communication through some type of agency only. I know the info i gave was really sketchy - but there is no history of abuse - neglect but only because of lack of skills or maturity. In your opinion if you wanted to find your parents when you were 18 would you have preferred them to have been updated on a yearly basis (and i was only thinking of sending a pic at Christmas and an update thru the agency) or would it not make any difference to you. Or do you think its too hard for the family to deal with ... I don't know - maybe i am beating a dead horse Thanks Joyce My case was a case of abuse. That is why sis and I were taken away. My sister is 4 years younger than I am. When I turned 18 my birth mom started looking for me. I could not have handled it if she had found me. Shortly before I turned 34, my birth mom stopped looking for us because she had to have a cancerous brain tumor removed. Shortly after I turned 34, I started looking for her. In fact, the day I started my search was the day she had the surgery to have the tumor removed. I found her very quickly because of the "trail" she left behind in her search. There's no way I could've handled it at 18. Too many birth parents want a reunion as soon as the child turns 18. I can understand why! They are then disappointed if the reunion doesn't go well. Think about what is going on in an 18 year old's life. Between the ages of 18 and 20, I finished my last year and a half of high school, met my first husband, got pg, got married and had a baby. Think about what goes on in the lives of other 18 year olds. It's a very hectic time in their lives. Not a good time for a reunion. Not a good time to start communication or establish contact. I was blessed to have about 18 months with my birth mom. She told me a lot of what happened and I was able to forgive her. When she passed away, November 20, 2001, she and I had made peace and became friends. I can't say that would've happened if we had been reunited when I was 18. I was with her on and off until I was 8 years old. I always had wanted to find her and have her as part of my life. I don't think that it would have been bad for her to get updates on us. But, I think it would have been bad for us to get updates on her. I think it would have been bad for her to have been in our lives. Does that make sense? Is that what you were looking for?

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/19/2008 11:20:20 AM)
HI DenimDiva thanks for that. My reason for persuing it was that i read somewhere about a birth mum whose child was adopted (not sure on the reason) wanted to stop having visits becasue it was too hard on her. The responces were varied but one stood out where the writer encouraged her to continue for the sake of the child. That the child didnt feel abandoned until later when the mum wanted to make contact again. It made me think for my boys perspective - would it be better to keep them up to date if he ever wants to find them again. I dont know and maybe i should just let it be. Joyce

Roberta_ -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/19/2008 12:01:32 PM)
Joyce, You know your son better than anyone. What maybe right for someone else may not be right for him. I think that adoptive parents often have an insecurity that birth parents don't in the fact that they feel they have to "try harder" or something like that. It doesn't matter if your child was conceived under your heart or in it, the child is your special gift from God. When a parent adopts a child, they do have different battles than other parents do. They are mostly biological. DNA matters very little in the scale of things. Your son <-- wrap your head around that concept. He's your son. Don't let anyone influence you to think, act or feel that he is in any way not your son. Follow his lead. See what kind of questions he is asking and answer them to the best of your ability and his understanding. Keep in mind a few things when answering his questions: What type of relationship did he have with his birth mom? How much time did he spend with her? What type of person is/was she? What would be TMI? (I probably could've gone most of my life without being told that I was a result of prostitution and been OK. That's not a fact that I needed to know.) What type of mood is he in when he's talking about her? A child who has just been disciplined for misbehaving probably really doesn't want to talk about their birth family. It's either a ploy to change the subject (so they don't have to face discplinary actions) or it's a way they can make you question your actions. (my real mom wouldn't make me clean up my room) Remember that the real mom is the one who has to handle the day to day things, which includes discipline.

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/19/2008 10:26:00 PM)
Thanks so much for that. Its funny how you bolded the 'your son' as i have a hard time calling him that. I need to practise it and so it becomes more natural. So from now on he is MY SON :) Right now he doesnt talk about his birth mum - he probably has no idee waht she looks like - its just another person in his wide range of people he has met and he has met a lot of people : he is Mr popularity for sure. So right now we dont talk about adoption seriously - he has no idea on birth family as he has been in care since birth. He is more attached to his original foster parents i think. Another question for you - what is TMI??? Joyce

Roberta_ -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/20/2008 1:00:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drmomjoyce Thanks so much for that. Its funny how you bolded the 'your son' as i have a hard time calling him that. I need to practise it and so it becomes more natural. So from now on he is MY SON :) He's yours sweetie!! [sm=dance.gif] quote: Another question for you - what is TMI??? Joyce TMI = Too much information.

drmomjoyce -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/25/2008 9:06:58 PM)
HI all who have been following this thread - i hope that it can help others as well. We have had success. He is off the laxative completely and on Flaxseed milled and probiotic. And we have had 3 movements with out a supp. And he is so excited about that. The first time - oh man was he joyful and not jsut casue he got a sucker and a freezy. We are really excited. I hope if we continue getting the fibre in that this part of his life is over and we can go up from here. This is the hardest thing i have ever dealt with and so discouraging and to have success is so good. I know it seems so little but it affects his whole mood from the time he gets up until he is finished which could be 7 oclock at night. Makes for a long and frustrating and tiring and lots of crying (from both of us) day. So if you are in this boat - i would recommend the same as it worked for us. He gets a tablespoon of Flaxseed in the morning and probiotic throughout the day. Best 37 bucks i have ever spent. THanks all Joyce (till the next query) PS if anyone has issues to bring up related to foster/adoption please use this thread - it doesnt belong to me[:D]

lexie -> RE: adoptive and foster parents (6/26/2008 8:32:18 AM)
We're planning on fostering and maybe adopting in a few years. Right now, we're in a transition phase and once we're out of it, we'll get things set in motion. Is there anyone here who has fostered/adopted families? There was a case here recently where four children were taken from their parents, and the CAS mentioned it is pretty near impossible to place all the kids in the same home. This is actually something that we are willing to do, and I'm wondering if anyone else has done it and if they've found any unique challenges.

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