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Family beginnings - 6/11/2008 2:44:27 AM
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Kia_Grl21
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Dh and I have been talking about when to start a family and have been praying about it also. From ones who have BTDT, what advice do you have in deciding to start or to wait? Anyother advice is much appreciated....
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/11/2008 7:10:45 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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lol. Well, I won't give advice about waiting, 'cause we didn't.  We leave kids to the Lord's timing and he hasn't messed up yet. 
We have a "honeymoon baby", and two more, all boys, all two years apart, and they are the best gift and blessing God has given us in our marriage! They are hard, hard work, and we have had hard, hard times, but I wouldn't give them up for anything. 
Personally, I think you should be prepared to have kids when you get married, simply because sometimes God gives them regardless of how many forms of birth control you're using. 
Things to consider:
Who's going to care for them? If you think a parent should be home with the children, are you willing and able to do that? Are you willing to sacrifice your lifestyle for that to happen?
OK, actually, the big question is, are you willing to sacrifice? Kids require a huge amount of time and effort and emotional investment. The financial investment can be minimal, if you choose a simple lifestyle.
Have you and your husband discussed and decided on things like who will stay at home (if anyone), who does what child-related chores, who is the primary caregiver, breast or bottle feeding and attitudes towards that issue, where baby will sleep, discipline, schooling (home, private or public?), things like that? Is your husband willing to deal with the hormonal nuttiness that can come from pregnancy and the early postpartum days? Are you both aware that motherhood is going to change you physically and emotionally, and can you accept that?
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/11/2008 5:37:13 PM
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SweetLittleErin
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Maggie's post needs stars. Excellent points. For us personally (though our baby isnt here yet) we wanted to wait until we had been married about two years. Just to get "stable" though I 100% agree with being ready when you get married because you never know when God will change your plan. Babies can come even on birth control, and babies can NOT come when you try for them (what happened in our case).
But for us some things we considered...
* Expense. Not just of the ongoing costs of a child but the actual prenatal care since we did not have (and cannot get) maternity insurance. Were we able to pay for it? Its a struggle but we planend it and thought it out and went for it.
* We also wanted some "us" time. Not that we traveled or anything like that, but we both needed to get to know each other (no matter how well you know someone its all different when you are married) and wanted some time to be with just us.
* We wanted to have our own place and "room" for a baby.
All these things seem trvial, and we would have been prepared if we just let it happen. But when we got married hubby was just starting his own business, I had just graduated college so it was best FOR US to wait.
I wanted kids right away, hubby wanted to wait, so we found a common ground. I think a big thing is to make sure you and hubby are on the same page. I know a girl who wanted a baby before her hubby did so instead of come to an agreement together, she just stopped her birth control...thats a bad start I believe. Of course thats something that really needs to be talked about before marriage...I knew going in hubby wanted to wait, so I was okay with that.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/11/2008 6:20:55 PM
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Kia_Grl21
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Thank you guys so very very much!!! This is such wonderful advice! I'm 22, dh is 23, we have been married two and a half years, and I pushed the subject a lot in the first six months or so of being married and Dh was "okay" with it, and then God intervened and I was accepted into nursing school. Our big issues were, a house, and school. I'm two months away from making it to the goal of not getting preggers in school, so we have almost made that goal and we are working on the house thing now. Hubby has actually mentioned that he would be okay with not owning a house right now and continuing to rent, as long as we got a bigger place for a baby. I have been praying about it and have left it to God and my hubby, I have a timing in mind that I would like to start trying and am believing that if that time is right then God will confirm it through hubby, or just by me getting pregnant on prevention. We are okay if it happened, which is way better then when we first got married!! We discuss it a lot, breastfeeding is a must, me working part time, with either granparents watching babe or some minimal babysitting, we have not really worked out the who does what kind of things, but have disucssed it and are in the process. I'm feeling more and more comfortable and confident about it lately and know that the best time for us to have one isnt really in our timing but it God's and I'm okay with that. Anything else you wonderful people have to say do share!! I appreciate it all so very much.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/11/2008 7:01:31 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Any thoughts gone to adopting a child that's in need of a good family?
That just came to mind as I was thinking about my uncle who married
a woman who already had children(he adopted them) and then they had a child together a few years later.
Decades later ended up adopting their granddaughter when her parents weren't capable of taking care of her.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/11/2008 8:12:22 PM
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csl7037
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All I know is if you wait till you're ready, you'll never have kids. And if you think you're ready, you're wrong. No one's ever ready. There's never a perfect time. When you're prepared for life to completely turn a corner and change 180 degrees forever - go for it
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/12/2008 2:13:59 AM
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Kia_Grl21
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csl, I love that post. That is wonderful.
I have thought about adoption later on in life. I have two wonderful and amazing adopted little brothers.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/13/2008 9:32:55 AM
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isaacsmom
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quote:
Things to consider:
Who's going to care for them? If you think a parent should be home with the children, are you willing and able to do that? Are you willing to sacrifice your lifestyle for that to happen?
OK, actually, the big question is, are you willing to sacrifice? Kids require a huge amount of time and effort and emotional investment. The financial investment can be minimal, if you choose a simple lifestyle.
Have you and your husband discussed and decided on things like who will stay at home (if anyone), who does what child-related chores, who is the primary caregiver, breast or bottle feeding and attitudes towards that issue, where baby will sleep, discipline, schooling (home, private or public?), things like that? Is your husband willing to deal with the hormonal nuttiness that can come from pregnancy and the early postpartum days? Are you both aware that motherhood is going to change you physically and emotionally, and can you accept that?
Excellent things to consider. I definitely agree.
I would've loved to have kids right off the bat, but the Lord had other plans for hubby and I. I longed for YEARS (many times quite impatiently) to have children. But looking back now, I realize that I had some major maturing to do, in a lot of ways. There were tasks the Lord wanted hubby and I to accomplish and foundations in our marriage to be laid. We prayed and finally had peace about having children and the Lord opened my womb 5 years into our marriage (I was never on birth control). And then again 14 months later. Our children bring us so much JOY!
All that to say, just pray together about this, for the Lords peace and timing. As you've said, he's already intervened. If you are seeking him, he will give you that peace in his timing!
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/16/2008 1:30:30 PM
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buckifn
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Another good choice is become a foster parent for awhile and see how it is before having your own children.
I personally think it's a tremendous idea to help meet the needs of another child while preparing for your own.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/16/2008 4:40:52 PM
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Kia_Grl21
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You guys are so very wonderful. Dh and I have been discussing it more and more, and are praying about it together as well as apart. I have two months untill I have reached my "goal" of not HAVING and baby during school, I would still have some school left, but the timing would be better for "us". I feel in my heart that it is getting closer, but am also okay if God decides more time is needed. As for now, I LOVE research, and am working on becoming a labor and delivery nurse, so am using that as an excuse to slurp up any and every kind of birth and pregnancy books I can find. Dh doesnt have a ton of experience with kiddo's but has always been great with the little ones he has had contact with and tells me that he doesnt want to "ruin" all of his firsts with other people's children. He wants it to be super special with his first baby. I tell him, sarcastically, sure go ahead and experiment on our children!! I have always been around kids, all ages. Worked in day care, babysat for years, while its not the same, I know, I have also kept my little brothers, 3 and 5, for times and several of my friends babies for times too, so comfot wise, I'm okay. I know at that point i'll be terrified anyway, but thats part of the package.
I know i'm rambling, but I do so appreciate all of the advice and it has given me a lot to chew on and think about.... One more question. I know that pregnancy is sometimes hard for a new father, and while a husband might say that he is ready for kids, they may kind of freak out during pregnancy. How do you keep your husband involved and excited about the baby that he cant really place as "real" yet?
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/16/2008 6:57:14 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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I like my grandmother's advice--if you wait until the time is right, it never will be.
Like Maggie, I am quiverfull, so there would be no waiting that wasn't waiting on God.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/17/2008 7:41:21 PM
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MamaPyratekk
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
All I know is if you wait till you're ready, you'll never have kids. And if you think you're ready, you're wrong. No one's ever ready. There's never a perfect time. When you're prepared for life to completely turn a corner and change 180 degrees forever - go for it
Basically exactly what I was going to say!
quote:
I know that pregnancy is sometimes hard for a new father, and while a husband might say that he is ready for kids, they may kind of freak out during pregnancy. How do you keep your husband involved and excited about the baby that he cant really place as "real" yet?
The first thing is to make sure that he really IS involved. Let him go with you to appointments and hear the heart beat. Make sure he's there for the ultrasound. Also, for what it's worth, my husband had that "it isn't real" issue going on but it stopped after the ultrasound. After that we knew the sex (our choice) and we could see him moving around and it became so much more real to him. He even says that now to others, that the ultrasound made it "real" to him. You can even do things like ask him to read to the baby. It doesn't matter if it's in utero, it's still a child and doing activities with 'it' will make the baby more real to him.
I'm trying to think of what else lol.
Oh, this isn't necessarily the advice you were asking for but I always tell this to everyone. Remember that you are you, and they are they. By this I mean, just because this person had such-and-such an experience with pregnancy (or childbirth, or two year olds, or teenagers) doesn't mean that you'll have the experience or that you should handle it the same way. Every pregnancy is different, every delivery is different, and every child is different.
Good luck with whatever you choose!
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/20/2008 12:23:21 AM
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Mrs.Wifey
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
All I know is if you wait till you're ready, you'll never have kids. And if you think you're ready, you're wrong. No one's ever ready. There's never a perfect time. When you're prepared for life to completely turn a corner and change 180 degrees forever - go for it
How true. We knew we weren't entirely ready but didn't want to risk further fertility issues as I got older so we just jumped on in, lol. We had been married almost a year when I got pregnant and I had been off bcp for 6 months.
Now our dilemma is when to have a second baby 
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Ryanne
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/20/2008 10:43:53 AM
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lexie
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From: Toronto
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I love the post that says if you wait until you're ready, you'll never have kids.
We had our daughter within the first year of our marriage. In fact, we were both finishing up our grad programs when we found out we were pregnant, so neither of us was working! We certainly were not expecting a baby so early on, and thought the best timing for us would be after one year of marriage.
I always tell people, that financially, you can raise a child on little. It takes sacrifices of your own along the way, but they are well worth it. Clothes, cribs, toys can all be bought second hand from good stores or through friends. We have always lived on one income, and at times a very small or non-existent income and have gotten through.
Our experience with birth control has been "we're not trying, but we're not not trying." Our daughter came along right away with that method, but the next baby seems to be taking it's time with the same method. God has His timing for everyone.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/20/2008 7:45:15 PM
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TrustingGod
Posts: 105
Joined: 6/19/2008
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Consider having more than one. I had one and thought we'd adopt a second one. Unfortunately my husband didn't get his heart wrapped around it. My son is now 18 and he still wishes he had a brother or two - I'm sure he thinks it most when the chores need done!
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/20/2008 8:04:43 PM
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rnrobins
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I have prayed for a family for a long time. My husband and I were married 2 1/2 years ago. He is currently 37 and I am 29. We had discussed having children before we were married and both agreed that we wanted children. I have recently talked to him about starting a family and he says he is unsure if he wants children now. He also has said that he is unsure if God wants us to have children. I cannot understand how I feel so strongly that it is God's will for us to have children and him to feel this way. I continue praying daily for God's will, but I am getting frustruated. Please give me any advice how to talk to my hubby. He is becoming distant to the situation and says that he doesn't want to continue discussing having children.
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/21/2008 5:23:18 AM
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Kia_Grl21
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at first my husband didnt want to talk about it, he would say, sometime later, or one day we will....I left it alone and just prayed and prayed. He is coming around now and wants to start trying within a year. However, I also feel that God will place a decision on BOTH of our hearts. I wish that I had the most perfect advice for you, but I would say, just pray and remember, not my will but your's. I believe that God will give you a peace about whichever decision He has for you. I'm so sorry if i'm not much help!!!
Ryanne, that is why we have waited as long as we have, we had thought about trying for a few months two may's ago, since I hadnt gotten into nursing school, and a month before my preconception appt, I got accepted. So now, as long as God will hold off untill August, we will have made it through my school without a little one, which is a big factor for us in waiting. I'm excited for you to be a nurse, that is a great thing to do!!
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/21/2008 5:24:27 AM
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Kia_Grl21
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Have you asked dear husband what makes him feel like he is unsure now if he wants children?
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RE: Family beginnings - 6/21/2008 6:11:20 PM
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rnrobins
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Yes, I have asked and received various answers....Sometimes the answer is that he just doesn't have an over whelming desire to have children, sometimes he just is not sure that is what God wants, and there are times that he sames that he must look at his retirement plan because he doesn't want to work all of his life. However, we both have really good jobs and have been saving money all of our working life...That is just an excuse.
I believe it has more to do with his childhood. He was raised by his Grandmother. His mother was a pretty wild woman and he went to live with his Grandmother when he was 10. However, he won't tell me about his mom...I have never met his mom, but he says that he does not have a problem with her, he just doesn't have time to go see her.
My biggest concern is that my hubby is a strong Christian. Please note, this is about the only problem we have...He is very dedicated to the Lord. He can be a little selfish at times, but he is a really good person. I think the main problem here is a communication issue. I just want him to tell me the real reason that he doesn't think he wants kids. I guess, I am blaming it on commuincation because he won't talk about his childhood....I really don't know.
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