Going on the market (lol)... (Full Version)

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ChoirDJ -> Going on the market (lol)... (6/11/2008 4:34:51 PM)

You've all been promoted to "Dating Specialists" for the purposes of this thread and I'd like your input.

I've been separated since 2007 and my divorce (14 years married) will be finalized in late July and I've made a committment to not go out on any dates until then. As that time approaches, I find myself looking very forward to building friendships with spiritual christian women and eventually settling down and getting married again to be quite honest. At the same time, I'm certainly not one that will rush to the altar as I think it's very important to get to know someone over time before you can determine if she's a potential mate.

Any advice on how to proceed would be very much appreciated.

p.s. Assuming you have not read any of my previous thread and are wondering why I filed for a divorce, it was infidelity on my spouse's part and it was after much thought, prayer, and counsel from wise brethern that I came to that decision.



Carleejoan -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/11/2008 4:45:38 PM)

I've been recently widowed and can relate to the vulnerability a person can feel. As a Christian I believe God wants you to heal before moving into another relationship. I know with the lonliness of not having my best friend to talk to and companion it's tempting right now to "start looking." In myself I see still the stress left over from his extended illness with cancer and subsequent passing. It has been very stressful and add a new relationship on to that it could get tougher on me than nicer.

So my advice to you as someone who stayed married for 28 years is to let yourself heal. Let God search you and find out where you could have possibly went wrong that she had to get her needs met somewhere else. I know it was wrong for her to do it but there's always a reason behind everything. His Needs/Her Needs is good book to read in discovering what the other person's needs may really be and not just assuming you know. Just a few suggestions ChoirDJ.



John_O -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/11/2008 4:55:22 PM)

I can not agree iwth CJ enough.

Divorce, like being widowed, is a cause for grieving. If you start dating before you finish grieving you're only going to hurt yourself and others.

Give yourself time to heal and then start looking.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/11/2008 5:10:22 PM)

I've thought a lot about the grieving issue and I think the worse part is behind me for the most part. I am thinking about checking out a DivorceCare Support Group in my area for any additional insights. I also plan on reading some books to help me to grow in my knowledge of women's needs. I've already learned so much over the years.

Unfortunately, my ex has bipolar disorder that went undiagnosed and untreated for years leading up to many reckless behaviors on her part. I don't necessarily want to get into the details of what those issues were because I don't want to come across as blaming her for everything. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and I feel I have. Suffice it to say that it became apparent several years ago she wasn't healthy enough to be in a marriage but I was determined to keep my marital vows to her and God until the very end, which I did. I hold myself responsible for ignoring many red flags (and the advice of others who had a deeper understanding of the big picture) early on in our relationship and rushing into marriage because I was desparate, lonely and immature at that time.



rcudawg -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/11/2008 10:16:19 PM)

ChoirDJ,

I can really sympathize with you. I used to be married to a Christian woman who ended up really breaking my heart. The issue that she had was borderline personality disorder. And, since here parents did not want to accept the fact that she had serious issues, it became a "me against them" sitation. And, had I spent more time prayerfully learning about her and her family before we had gotten married, I would have better recoingize the red flags that, now, are blantantly there.

I strongly agree that you need to take time to heal emotionally and spiritually. Although everyone is diffent, 3 to 5 years is a realistic goal before trying to start dating again. Build reliationships, but focus on friendships and your emotional and spiritual healing.

Myself, I did start tyring to date soon after I was divorced. However, between being deployed to Iraq, being very picky about whom I was going to date, and God just not opening any doors, it wasn't until late summer/early fall of 2006 that I met Sharon. Well, we had already met, but started to seriously talk about dating. That was about four years after my divorce. (My ex- was remarried within 6 months of the divorce.)

Take your time, DJ. And, especially if you have any kids, let them go through their own grieving process.

RC



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/11/2008 10:35:41 PM)

I whole heartedly agree with all of the advise that has been given here.
I would have to add, that the timing is a very personal issue and will be different for everyone, depending on circumstances and personality. Some people are naturally introspective and can go through the process of grieving quicker than someone who can only deal with the grief one bite at a time. The main issue in my opinion is Gods timing. When God gives you the go-ahead, you know you are ready. Just be focused on Him.

~Blessings~



ChoirDJ -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/12/2008 1:18:25 AM)

Thanks to all...I certainly plan on taking things very slowly and not playing any games with myself or someone else. I'm very content where I am at although I have some financial goals I would like to accomplish before dating.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/12/2008 8:40:49 PM)

choirdj, since you mentioned divorcecare, at the minimum i recomment signing up for their free daily email devotions, they are very quick to read and no spam ... if something in them hits home, might be a warning flag



teaspoon61 -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/13/2008 5:42:44 PM)

If you don't mind another person jumping on the band wagon here? . . . . . Wait before pursuing another relationship. During my divorce, one of my daily prayers was for wisdom. Well a wise person learns from the mistakes of others, so to speak. In talking to folks who have been through divorce and remarried too soon, that second marriage ended in divorce also. Sometimes within 6 months. I had some friends who didn’t understand my reluctance to date. They thought I should go right out and start looking. I’m so glad I didn’t try to date anyone.

In DivorceCare it is recommend you don’t try to persue another relationship until you are stable in your own life. DivorceCare recommends you wait 1 year for every 4 you were married. I was married for 11 years so that would be 4 years. (Ok so I rounded up from 3.5.) This is my 4th year being officially single. I can tell you it was stellar advice.

I whole heartedly encourage you to find a DivorceCare support group. Signing up for the daily e-mails is a good help.

I’m more emotionally stable than I would have thought possible. I’m closer to the Lord .

I still hurt over certain issues from my divorce and if it wasn’t for DivorceCare I don’t think I would be able to understand this.

At one time there was a thread on DivorceCare - - - I think it’s been archived.



ebony101 -> RE: Going on the market (lol)... (6/13/2008 6:51:03 PM)

I agree with everyone else (although I must be the only one here who has not been, nor is presently married) - but my advice is don't hustle into a new relationship too quickly - take some time to evaluate, recuperate and regroup.



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