When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (Full Version)

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TJS777 -> When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/11/2008 11:28:12 PM)

Hey.

I am the youth director at my church and I have a girl who seems to have many emotional troubles. She was very distraught over losing her wallet yesterday at the church (we think somoene may have taken it) and when she came to church today she mentioned how after she had told her parents about this, one said, when she left the house, not to come back, and the other said "only stupid people lose stuff" (she had lost something else a few days before). The parents don't go to the church, and are not Christians as far as I know. My dilemma is, at what point do you call the parents and say "this is an issue" and at what point do you just talk to the teen and say "that was wrong what they did...you're not stupid...etc"?

Thanks so much for your imput!

God bless!
-TJ



Hismusicgal -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/12/2008 1:15:02 AM)

I am not a youth director or a pastor but a Worship leader and a woman that had possible similar problems at home.

My suggestion would be to sit her down and ask her more about her life like any problems other than it sounds like disrespect from her folks and what might have caused it. Remind her that God loves her and sent His Only Son to die for her. Ask her about friends if she has some and how they treat her.

First hand I know being a girl in her teenage years can be very difficult. I am going on the assumption that you are male and sometimes teenage girls have a difficult time talking to adult males. Maybe she could talk to a woman in the church that she is comfortable with that you would be able to talk with also about the situation. Or the three of you together.

That is my suggestion I may not be the greatest but I know that is one of the things I wish would have happened years ago for me.

[sm=angel.gif]



Szaftoo -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/12/2008 9:28:33 AM)

TJ welcome.

I have a couple of questions. How old are you and are you married? How old is the girl and how does she relate to the other kids in the youth group? Have you ever seen or met her parents or are you basing everything you know on what she says about them?

Again, welcome.



pbaribeault -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/12/2008 10:35:50 AM)

"When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry?"

I think that every youth leader should have at least a casual relationship with the parents of every young adult they work with. This is an excellent co-operative model that works well in good times and also when there are 'issues'.

So, if you are not visiting your youth at home, and do not know their parents well enough to recognize them, then this might be a good time to start 'get to know you' calls & visits to many in your group... when you get around to this girl's parents, it will seem natural, not issue-related, and you can build a relationship where they might be interested in hearing what you have to say about the impact of their words on their girl.

Other than that, I doubt you will make much progress with a, "Your daughter has been telling me how mean you are." kind of opening conversation.



hjemerson -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/12/2008 5:03:51 PM)

Beening a youth work This is a touch area Again the question on your age etc come in to large play If you have a wife it would be a great ideal for you both to visit you youth /if not take like a co-leader you need to have a female adults to asst in some matter in your youth group, Maybe like another parent that is involed . That how we get involed and the Lord called us in to the His work. We Alway have one to two events that parents are invited to ( belive many will not come but don"t give up) Somtimes the Christian parent will not even take time to come to somthing, Like a picnice, fun day etc Let the parent be the special guest. You personal invite them!!! It is a great way to win the Whole Home to the LORD! Things like losing. misplacing. peer taking This also can be a good place to teach honset etc, God Bless!



jn1010lf -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/12/2008 10:01:13 PM)

Hello TJS777

You need to alert the senior Pastor at your church. The parents are the ones that need the help. Start there.



1love1God1way -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/12/2008 10:44:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jn1010lf

Hello TJS777

You need to alert the senior Pastor at your church. The parents are the ones that need the help. Start there.


youth pastors are as much responsible for reaching the parents, especially when the issue concerns the teen.

It's time. Have a casual chat. Invite them over for dinner or something.



Purposeful_Life -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/14/2008 5:33:05 AM)

For me the issue can be simplified. This applies generally but even more so to young people who have parents that are not church connected.

The question to ask is 'who do you serve?' - and for me the answer is that you primarily serve the girl.

So - I would talk to her again and ask her if it would be helpful for you to contact her parents - and be guided by what she says.

[This idea can become obsolete if there is a safety concern - then you should contact them even without her 'permission']



rcjames -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/14/2008 1:58:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TJS777
My dilemma is, at what point do you call the parents and say "this is an issue" and at what point do you just talk to the teen and say "that was wrong what they did...you're not stupid...etc"?



Well it goes without a doubt that you should not "Confront" then, and especiall not by telling them they are "Stupid".

After over 45 years in the ministry I can tell you that rarely and I do mean rarely when a spouse, or teen tell you something on the family; is ti the absolute truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Go see the parents, thank them for permitting their child to attend youth services, ask them if there is anything you or the Church can do for them, invite them to Church (or preferrably a dinner or something, and look, listen, and discern the circumstances. You can then dicide to talk to the Pastor, if need be, about further interviention into the family.

As a youth leader you should be in contact with all the parents of the youth you are serving; whether or not they attend Church.

Thanks
RC



pstrdebi -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/14/2008 10:33:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rcjames

I can tell you that rarely and I do mean rarely when a spouse, or teen tell you something on the family; is it the absolute truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Go see the parents, thank them for permitting their child to attend youth services, ask them if there is anything you or the Church can do for them, invite them to Church (or preferably a dinner or something, and look, listen, and discern the circumstances. You can then decide to talk to the Pastor, if need be, about further intervention into the family.

As a youth leader you should be in contact with all the parents of the youth you are serving; whether or not they attend Church.

Thanks
RC


I would have to agree with RC... Being a pastor and a prior youth pastor and worker... I have seen every angle.

Not placing any blame or dis-belief on the girl... many teenage girl's "reality" is tweaked a little. Everything is exaggerated... and often, home life is exaggerated as well. Her parents could be as she says... or they could be really great people struggling to raise a teenage girl.

Take RC's advice... just make a casual call or visit, letting them know that you are contacting them as a "get-to-know-you type of thing. Pray... and let God do the rest. You will be able to discern what kind of folks they are through conversation, etc. Then go from there.

If it turns out that they are as she says... don't fuel the fire by "siding" with her. There is a bigger picture here. Talk to her about her duty as a daughter to 'honor her parents.' This can be difficult for her... but it is part of her growing spiritually. Learning to love her parents despite their shortcomings... is what God wants. You'll know what to do from there. And who knows, maybe it is the parents that God is working on... they need to be saved too.

I also agree with the others about a female being with you when you talk to young girls. THIS IS VITALLY IMPORTANT! I have seen far too many girls get their feelings twisted because the youth pastor is giving them the attention they lack. They misinterpret it for affection and when the youth pastor does not reciprocate, the girl is hurt and makes up a story about the youth pastor.

I also don't think it matters how old you are... just as long as you are led by God!

God bless...
Pastor Debi



brothertodd -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/16/2008 12:42:47 AM)

Very good advice from the above. But when ministering to the opposite sex especially a child I agree wholely never be alone. In a church talk to them in the sanctuary with some one else there across the room if they want to have a more personal talk with you only and not have anyone else to hear. One "two or more and God is with us" and also protection not just for them but for you, If per-chance youre face with a situation where no one can be with you meet in a public place. The world is continually growing hostile towards Christianity and these situations can give the devil all he needs to use. The only time one should seek to talk with the parents is if the childs life may be in danger i.e. thoughts of suicide or evidences of self abuse, in which treatment is to be saught after. Or if you have a youth event and the parents dont know you ..to gain trust with the parent. But going to the parent about the matter she explained it would be best if you didnt. And if you have evidence her safty is at stake, then a child protective service should be notified.
I have worked with kids like this at a treatment facility that was a girls facility so protect yourself, even if nothing happens the family can coherce her into an alligation.
Let me recomend 2 books that will help in your ministry 1] Youth Counseling by josh McDowell (and if you want to spend a few $ he has a program called Youth in Crisis)
2} Christian Counseling by John McArthur (this is a college course textbook)
Josh's crisis program can be attained on his site at www.beyondbelief.com or www.josh.org



hjemerson -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/17/2008 11:23:54 AM)

VERY GOOD ADVICE!! I hope it will be taken and that the the problems will be worked thur. "Youth what agreat area of service!:



jack2008 -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/23/2008 2:51:20 PM)

in our we have lot fake father are there.they earning money in the name of jesus.how we can find that kind of person.this will create bad name to our region.we have to stop this kind of activities at any cost.
===============
jack
Christian Drug Rehab



earthless -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/23/2008 8:32:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jack2008

in our we have lot fake father are there.they earning money in the name of jesus.how we can find that kind of person.this will create bad name to our region.we have to stop this kind of activities at any cost.
===============
jack
Christian Drug Rehab


Huh?



slushie -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/23/2008 8:46:21 PM)

She needs to be reassured that she's NOT stupid, if it is true that she has a lot of issues and stuff. But then that's something that you need to find out - because like an above poster said, she's a teenager. Just pay a visit to the parents - that's the nice thing to do and it shows that you respect them.

I don't think that you should go, "Oh, your parents are wrong, that's bad, etc etc" because she does need to know how important it is to honor her parents. Good advice up there!

And yes. Be with someone. I have seen this happen because my youth pastor is a little too ready to help and if there's a girl with a lot of issues he'll show her a lot of attention and talk to her a lot - and there's a girl who's had a lot going on and she developed a crush on him because of that. So never be alone in counseling a girl. Yeah. [;)]

(I know. huh?)



hnt -> RE: When Does One Talk To Parents in Youth Ministry (6/24/2008 10:18:54 PM)

I think you need to be sure this girl has a solid support system. It could be some ladies you know from your church that could come along side of her, and make her feel safe. Doesn't sound like she feels safe to me.

Lets say her parents ARE what you are thinking. You have to be very careful with the approach, because if you make them feel like they need to be defensive about something.....they won't allow her to come back. They could also make her life miserable, because family secrets are to stay just that.......secret!

Find some open minded ladies at your church to come along side of her. Find some safe adults in that manner so she does have someone to reach out to IF there is something going on at home.

A childhood friend of mine had a very hard life, and myself and couple of friends invited her to our churches. She ended up going to another church, and she found her safety net. That girl blossomed despite what was happening. She and I are adults now...lol as you can tell! We both have teenagers of our own. She will tell you that this church saved her life in more than one way. They didn't doubt her or mininze her experience. They didn't tell her that maybe she is viewing it wrong. They validated her enough - and without extreme - to figure out what truly was happening. They didn't go out of her way to make her folks defensive, and that was the only reason she got to continue to go there.

Look at it as an opportunity. If she doesn't have a safe adult in her life - you could very well change that. My friend moved to another state with her spouse, but to this day she still has a very filfulling relationship with those ladies that came along side of her. They were the adults she needed to grow, and I know helped her become the wonderful woman she is today.

[:)]



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