Looking a new male friend (Full Version)

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Tawanna92009 -> Looking a new male friend (6/17/2008 11:50:50 PM)

I separated from abusing husband and looking for someone new in my life to make happy.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 2:46:37 AM)

May I suggest that the last thing in your life you need is another man in the picture? You are still married for goodness sake! And it's not anyone else's responsibility to make you happy because that's an inside job.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 4:23:01 AM)

Are you literally trying to find someone here or are you expressing your desires in general terms? Either way it's obvious that you are hurting deeply. I'm so sorry for that. Though it may not be obvious to you, I'll give some obvious answers.

1) No man can ever give you the kind of comfort and healing you need. Only G-d can. If you are desperate for a man to come save you then I highly recommend you seek female counsel.

2) It's good that you separated if your husband has been abusive. You need to understand how brave that was and that you did a wonderful thing. You are most likely stronger than you think you are.

3) You are still married. Running to another man is adultery. And besides, if your husband is abusive and if he finds out you are trying to find another man, you put yourself and everyone else involved at risk. It will make your current situation terrible.

Bottom line is that the enemy will always take advantage of an open door. You need to spend much of your time right now in serious prayer and when you are ready, seek professional counsel.



cavalry1st -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 7:09:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All

1) No man can ever give you the kind of comfort and healing you need. Only G-d can. If you are desperate for a man to come save you then I highly recommend you seek female counsel.


Right on!!!!!

When you are happy within, it is then that a man will be interested. NO man can make an already unhappy woman happy - BUT, God can.

And, like others above, recommend you NOT be involved with another man while you are still legally married. Stick with your female friends.



sylvan -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 12:23:03 PM)

quote:

Bottom line is that the enemy will always take advantage of an open door.


quote:

Stick with your female friends.


I agree with you ladies, but I hope you're not suggesting that men are the enemy in general. Men can provide comfort and validation without things being romantic or sexual. She did say "friend". I agree MANY men take advantage of women in need, but there are plenty that would not. I for one would never get involved with a married woman, but I would encourage her to go to a shelter, to get help, and break free from the vicious cycle of abuse.

quote:

I separated from abusing husband and looking for someone new in my life to make happy.


Back to the original post, this statement definately shows signs of abuse. OP, at this point you shouldn't worry about making someone else happy. You need to focus on making YOU happy!!! Abusers fill people with doubt, low self-esteem, and all sorts of negative things. That's why they stay with abusers, because they have been torn down and their self-worth has been depleted. As with most women that have been abused or neglected, your post indicates that you want or need validation from a man - YOU DON'T. Learn all you can about abuse, online and elsewhere. There are women shelters and organizations everywhere that will assist you. You need to take the necessary steps to get divorced and out of this relationship permanently. Talk to some counselors and other women, and take some time out for you. Don't rush back into another relationship. If you do, it will be for all the wrong reasons and that relationship won't be much different than the relationship you're in now.

It won't be easy, but hang in there and things will work out fine. They really will.



Kat_D -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 12:47:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

May I suggest that the last thing in your life you need is another man in the picture? You are still married for goodness sake! And it's not anyone else's responsibility to make you happy because that's an inside job.


Bingo!

Spend this time alone with God and give Him the opportunity to heal you and to give you back your joy. You are not ready to get in another relationship...trust me on that!

God will come through for you 100%...men?...not so much!



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 2:37:27 PM)

quote:

but I hope you're not suggesting that men are the enemy in general.


LOL! Oh my. No not men. The enemy is Satan.

::

For the OP, there is nothing wrong with wanting to make another person happy but my gut feeling is that you really want someone in your life to make you feel happy. Have you always taken care of people? Is this the first time you have no one to take care of? If so, maybe it's your time, with the help of G-d, to take care of yourself for a change. He is your strength! A good sign is if you are not anxious about it all. [:)]

I would also like to stress again that it must have taken much strength for you to separate from your husband. You made a good step. Don't forget that. And if he absusive then he may try to return to you prematurely. Make sure he knows you are serious about needing to change ok?



Roberta_ -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/18/2008 9:40:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tawanna92009

I separated from abusing husband and looking for someone new in my life to make happy.


Not a good idea.

I know it's hard being alone! I've been separated from my husband since last November.

Work on you! Then and only then will you find the right man.

This is life. It's not one of those disgusting romance novels where you leave a man who treats you badly and find another man right away who treats you like a princess. If you jump into another relationship right now, the odds are extremely high that he'll be another abuser.

Work on you and you alone!



jaimestarcross -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/19/2008 7:31:52 PM)

You are separated but still married.
Your relationship caused you a lot of problems and I advise
you to seek help for being an abused wife/battered wife.

*Your happiness shouldn't be dependent upon a man or being in a relationship.
While it is good to have someone to love - they shouldn't be the only way you can experience happiness.

Wanting to move on is good but do it in the proper manner... deal with
your own personal issues FIRST before jumping into a new relationship. You still have a marriage and even though it's not been a good one... effort should be made to save the marriage and the best efforts made to Encourage your husband to get help (even if a third party has to deliver the messages or send him the literature by mail about programs to help abusive men.) Establish a reasonable time frame for him to get help/show improvements before ending the marriage and moving on to another relationship after you've dealt with your own personal issues etc.
*People can change but it requires hard work and sacrifices.

*Don't put yourself in harm's way - use resources available to you to reach out to him.



preserved -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/25/2008 6:05:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DenimDiva

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tawanna92009

I separated from abusing husband and looking for someone new in my life to make happy.


Not a good idea.

I know it's hard being alone! I've been separated from my husband since last November.

Work on you! Then and only then will you find the right man.

This is life. It's not one of those disgusting romance novels where you leave a man who treats you badly and find another man right away who treats you like a princess. If you jump into another relationship right now, the odds are extremely high that he'll be another abuser.

Work on you and you alone!


Good advice from DenimDiva....Work on what makes you happy and not rely on a man making you happy. You also need time to heal because you are in the clinging state at this time...running from an abuser to the arms of someone else you think will make you happy will not be very wise..You need to seek and gain strength from God before you move on



allisonbrett -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/26/2008 11:31:31 AM)

quote:

Men can provide comfort and validation without things being romantic or sexual. She did say "friend". I agree MANY men take advantage of women in need, but there are plenty that would not. I for one would never get involved with a married woman,


Yes, men can provide comfort and validation but to a woman who is recently separated, its like playing with fire. BAD IDEA!!! Men taking advantage of her isn't the biggest issue here. She is emotionally vulerable and subject to rebound. Rebound often leads to another broken relationship and takes the emphasis off healing and on to the replacement relationship. Even if she is legally divorced she is still dealing with all the emotions of the separtion and divorce and will most likely allow her feelings to dominate her decision if she isn't careful. What may start off as strictly platonic may turn romantic when loneliness really kicks in.

Before you venture into a new relationship make sure you are 100% mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually whole first. Surround yourself with girl friends and get involved in a Bible study focused on healing. Divorce Care is a wonderful program that can help you understand the various emotions associated with divorce. You can google it to find a location near you. Protect your heart and look to the Lord for healing. Avoid any "friendships" with other men as you may tend to focus on them as your redeemer rather than focusing on God.

Blessings!



Roberta_ -> RE: Looking a new male friend (6/26/2008 11:37:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: allisonbrett

quote:

Men can provide comfort and validation without things being romantic or sexual. She did say "friend". I agree MANY men take advantage of women in need, but there are plenty that would not. I for one would never get involved with a married woman,


Yes, men can provide comfort and validation but to a woman who is recently separated, its like playing with fire. BAD IDEA!!! Men taking advantage of her isn't the biggest issue here. She is emotionally vulnerable and subject to rebound. Rebound often leads to another broken relationship and takes the emphasis off healing and on to the replacement relationship. Even if she is legally divorced she is still dealing with all the emotions of the separtion and divorce and will most likely allow her feelings to dominate her decision if she isn't careful. What may start off as strictly platonic may turn romantic when loneliness really kicks in.

Before you venture into a new relationship make sure you are 100% mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually whole first. Surround yourself with girl friends and get involved in a Bible study focused on healing. Divorce Care is a wonderful program that can help you understand the various emotions associated with divorce. You can googly it to find a location near you. Protect your heart and look to the Lord for healing. Avoid any "friendships" with other men as you may tend to focus on them as your redeemer rather than focusing on God.

Blessings!


Great advice!



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