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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/19/2008 10:09:43 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8789
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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Yeah!
My computer is in the dining room which is open to the living room so it's in a public place too.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/19/2008 10:27:43 AM
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buckifn
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I'm for limited access for any kid under the age of 18. I once had an exp. where one of my kids had a friend over and the friend was accessing information that was not approp. my son was sitting right there and did nothing about it, so that incident changed all the rules for pc in our house.
For the parent who posted they tell their kids to lie about personal information I would say do not ever encourage your kids to lie..instead teach them how to say no with no explanation and even more importantly to block all access from people they do not know.
As a parent you owe your kid no explanation for protecting them either.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/19/2008 10:43:26 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3791
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
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My older two kids (10 and 12) both have their own laptops. David (12) has a lot more freedom than Caleb. David has IM, but he can only talk to Russ and I on it. We use it mostly when he wants to ask Russ something while he is at work, or when we are both away. Caleb and sometimes the other kids will join him in talking to us when we are away. There is one or two friends that I would allow david to IM with, but he hasn't asked.
They both have email accounts, but only David usees his. We have complete access to both accounts and David askes before he gives or receives email.
They are not allowed to watch YouTube unless we have aprticular one to show them.
They are not allowed on Facebook and other such things.
They are allowed on this one closed forum made up of mostly kids, a few college students and a few moms. You have to know someone to get on it, and if you don't, you can't even see it. They have to be on the top of the priviledge chart to be on it, and I not only have access to his account, but I also have my own on there and use it regularly.
Caleb's computer has to be hooked up to a cable to get online so he is easy to keep an eye on. David's computer has WiFi, but he has proven trustworthy. We check on him often (when he isn't busy telling us every little thing that he does because he is so excited). I did make a seperate user on his computer named "Grounded". Grounded doesn't have any internet access at all, no games, no iTunes and no graphing calculator or art programs. It is VERY basic with only what he needs to do schoolwork. I have only had to use grounded when he kept getting distracted from his schoolwork.
My kids will tell you that there is no expectation of privacy. They don't care. I think that they even like having that safety net. Russ and I are the same way with each other. We have a certain list of passwords that we use so we can access each other's accounts.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/19/2008 1:15:07 PM
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PatricksPeaches
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Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
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My dd is only 7, 8 in August. I haven't set up any email accounts for her yet. She has im'd with my niece through my AIM account. Parental supervision is key. I believe that all computers should be in public places in the home. Parents need to know what their kids are doing. Youtube is questionable for me. I have seen some pretty bad things there. I go to Godtube some. It seems to be a little better.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/21/2008 6:35:37 AM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6929
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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My dd asked me today if she could go back online. I told her that we'd see, maybe I'd bend the rules. Then I took her phone for the night. A friend of hers decided to call her. He didn't sound like anyone I knew. I said that she'd call him back when she could. I checked out his phone number and it turns out that he's from TX. I texted him and asked why he was communicating with a 10 year old from Rhode Island. He texted back that he thought she was 15 and from CA (which she is). I said well, ya just never know about some people, do ya? I haven't heard back from him since.
The rules for the internet will not be bent and someone won't be getting her phone back for quite a while. Her phone will only be used on trips when she goes to see her dad in Indiana.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/24/2008 9:17:21 PM
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warriors
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My boys, 19, 13, and 12 all have myspace accounts and are allowed to IM and email. The oldest one uses IM most of the time and the middle one uses myspace. The youngest rarely does either but is allowed. The computer is in the living room and the boys know I can look over their shoulders and check these accounts whenever I want. I don't check the oldest's email; however, I do sometimes look at his myspace (even while he is away at college) and IM posts. He doesn't have a problem with it. He know it is basically an accountability issue.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/26/2008 9:43:46 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1635
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
I suggest you say that she can only keep the IM if you have the password; same with the email. I also suggest that the computer is kept in an "open" area, where anyone can pass by, where her internet activities are on full view, and that she earns her time on the computer, that it is regarded as a privilege, not as a right. I'd suggest you regularly check the message archive from her IM, just to make sure.
If she doesn't want to be this open, then IMO she shouldn't be allowed the privilege of IM and email.
She doesn't have to understand, she just needs to know that you're doing this for her protection.
Transparency is the key to computer privileges, cell phones, etc., in our house. If you are not willing to give parents passwords, make them friends on your facebook, myspace, or allow us to ask for your phone and read through your IMs at any time, then it is obvious to us that you are not mature enough for the privilege.
If we find you have changed your password without our consent, or you delete any/all IMs before handing over your phone, you have broken trust and forfeited your electronic privilege.
Thirty day suspension is automatic (it has had to be enforced a few times) but that does not guarantee you will get your electronic privileges back after thirty days. You have to prove over that thirty days that you are trust-worthy. So far the loss has not exceeded thirty days, but it sure would if we thought it wise!
Otherwise our rules are like rainbowtvp's: our computers are in a public place, cell phones are to be handed over at once if asked, and we also have tracking software installed which we randomly access.
As we tell our teens, we your parents live transparent lives. We have no secret sins, no secret friends, no secret activities; we are open and honest about everything (even finances if asked). We expect no less from every member of the family.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Homegrownkids
I feel like my daughter (13) has too much control over things. I know she has IM's from friends of friends. I'd like her to get these off, but I know she is already so mad. I told her some rules and she was upset that I read her mail once in a while. She has way too much control here, I tried to explain to her that it is no different than if I let her go hang out with friends... I would want to check in, or have her check in and I would need to know them. I don't know if she fully understands...
I don't want this to turn into a battle....
Some things are worth fighting for, and integrity and transparency are among those things. Your daughter's walk with God depends on her respecting and honoring you. Her future is totally worth fighting for. I have no doubt but that you already know this to be true.
 But it is no fun to be considered "the bad guy" all the time. I totally sympathize with you there, but it's just something moms have to put up with in life.
Does it help to know that someday she'll thank you? 
< Message edited by shadowspring -- 6/26/2008 9:50:06 AM >
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"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/26/2008 10:06:34 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8789
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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That was good of you Diva, OTOH you know she is presenting herself accurately and not saying she is 18 or somethign.
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L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 6/27/2008 12:23:18 AM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6929
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: zoebob
That was good of you Diva, OTOH you know she is presenting herself accurately and not saying she is 18 or somethign.
This is true, but she forgot to tell me some details.
Like this is a guy that she met online.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 11:00:40 AM
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mommyplus3
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my kids (9, 11, and 13) have all had email and IM since the oldest was probably about 8. we have family all over, and it was a way to keep in touch. we just added myspace for all 3 this summer (now they can share pics with family and friends since we just moved across the state).
the standing rule is that i must have passwords to everything, myspace must be private and only people they know may be added as friends. i am also a friend on their myspace ;o). i recommend that every parent open their own myspace account to test it out...and check out what goes on there.
our computer(s) are in the family room so there is not a whole lot of privacy, and...every morning - right after i check my emails - i log onto each child's account and check out the to/from column. i don't necessarily read the emails unless i have suspect reason. but i reserve the right to.
for us, it has worked well with no problems. only a parent knows their own child's maturity level. if you think they can handle it with your rules in place, i think it can be a good tool.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 7:10:04 PM
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LivePrayDream
Posts: 36
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My household is also a tech savvy household. Both my husband and I are IT nerds, and he is an IT director.
I won't be actively monitoring my child's IMs and emails unless she gives me a reason to be suspicious. I plan to teach her an open-door policy as far as communication goes so I hope to have a close relationship with her feeling comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. She can have a MySpace, she can have a Facebook... I have these things myself, I'd be a hypocrite to tell her she can't. Children are growing up much faster these days and I am not ignorant to that fact. I would rather she grow up to be knowledgeable of the world and society and be responsible for herself than to have her grow up sheltered, rebellious, and afraid that she cannot talk to her parents. So, if she gives us a reason to not trust her, that is when we will actively discipline. Otherwise, it is her tool and it is there for her and everyone else in the world. I can't live my life in fear of the unknown. I hope to instill in her enough common sense to navigate the ins and outs of the Internet and be responsible while doing it.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 7:13:33 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8789
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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You seem to automatically equate sheltering with not being able to have honest open conversations between parent and child. You can shelter your child from being exposed to inappropriate things while having discussions with them about those things and answering their questions and curiosity honestly. I can answer my teen's questions about sex and relationships without letting them watch it in a movie or magazine or hear about it in a raunchy way in song lyrics.
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L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 7:13:35 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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Will you be allowing her to violate the TOS of the MySpace and Facebook sites in order to have pages earlier than is allowed?
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 7:33:36 PM
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LivePrayDream
Posts: 36
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No, I won't be letting her do things that are technically illegal. 
I will teach and protect my child, but I'm also in tune with reality. These are things she's going to encounter in real life, so I plan to be open and honest with her about things such as the Internet (and all of it's wonderful ads) and other things Christians may see as "dangerous". I don't like the idea of flat-out forbidding my child to do something, unless it is illegal or against the rules of a website. Forbidding without reason leads to rebellion from my experience. My mother was always open and honest with me and allowed for my curiosity to lead to learning, thus I never had anything to "rebel" against. I'd like my child to be raised in the same type of household. My husband absolutely agrees with me based on his own experience with an overbearing and overprotective mother and how he rebelled when he went away to college. He wants to avoid that with her. I think this is the best route to go to ensure this. I want the open-door relationship that I have with my mother to be the same as between myself and my daughter.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 7:42:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6015
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LivePrayDream
She can have a MySpace, she can have a Facebook...
Hopefully not before she is 14 and 13 respectively.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 7:47:50 PM
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LivePrayDream
Posts: 36
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: LivePrayDream
She can have a MySpace, she can have a Facebook...
Hopefully not before she is 14 and 13 respectively.
Did you conveniently miss my last post?
quote:
No, I won't be letting her do things that are technically illegal.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 9:05:23 PM
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Bagel
Posts: 320
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Oregon
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My husband is an IT analyst/programmer and even so, we still closely monitor our children's computer activity. It is not hypocritical to have a MySpace or Facebook account and still not let your child have one. My kids are 12 and 10 and even if they are old enough, we are still the parents and will determine if it's appropriate for them to have one. Right now, as far as e-mail, they receive it through my account.
I have a friend, who has a 16 or 17 year old daughter, and only this past year let her have a MySpace account because that is how the clubs at school (a public one) and church communicate their events. The mother has an account of her own as well. However, the rules that she has set for her daughter must be obeyed or the mother will close the account completely and that has happened already. The daughter is not allowed to put any phone numbers or her address on her site. The mother has the daughter's password and retains the right to check the e-mails and comments and delete anything that is inappropriate and remove any "friends" who are leaving those inappropriate messages and any friends who will not allow the mother on their friends list.
Those of us who are "sheltering" our kids are doing so not necessarily because we don't trust our kids. We don't trust those who are out there trying to get to our kids who shouldn't. That is our job as parents. My kids are homeschooled, and they share with me all of the time. They are happy and secure because they know there are boundaries and they know why.
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check out my blog at http://bagelslifehomeschool.blogspot.com/
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 10:20:31 PM
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BeckeyZ
Posts: 6397
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: the sunny side of the street
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DenimDiva
quote:
ORIGINAL: zoebob
That was good of you Diva, OTOH you know she is presenting herself accurately and not saying she is 18 or somethign.
This is true, but she forgot to tell me some details.
Like this is a guy that she met online.
Happened to me with my oldest also. When she was 13 we were getting calls from a strange area code. Ended up being a 32 yr old man in PA. Priveledges were taken away for almost a year.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 11:22:03 PM
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Bagel
Posts: 320
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Oregon
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yikes!
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 11:29:24 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6929
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeckeyZ
quote:
ORIGINAL: DenimDiva
quote:
ORIGINAL: zoebob
That was good of you Diva, OTOH you know she is presenting herself accurately and not saying she is 18 or something.
This is true, but she forgot to tell me some details.
Like this is a guy that she met online.
Happened to me with my oldest also. When she was 13 we were getting calls from a strange area code. Ended up being a 32 yr old man in PA. Privileges were taken away for almost a year.
It's scary to think of what's out there. I don't think it's "sheltering" a child at all to not allow them to have free roam of the internet. Children, including teens, can be quite naive about the world.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/8/2008 11:50:18 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6385
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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And it is our job to keep them safe while they are in our care, and teach them to be safe while out of it.
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Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/9/2008 1:07:43 AM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
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I am not a parent, but I’d like to share an experience with you. My parents were very strict with me, but after a divorce my mother became much less strict in her parenting. She became more of a ‘friend’ with my younger sister and often didn’t shelter her from some things I felt she shouldn’t be exposed to (my lil sis is 16 years my junior). I cautioned her and explained the risks involved with predators and IM, she said, “Oh, she’s a good kid”. I cautioned her and explained the risks involved with MySpace and she replied, “Oh, she’s a good kid”. I went and scanned the home PC and showed her the questionable sites visited by my then 13 year-old sister. She talked to her briefly and let it go. Over time we found out that she had conversations with her married bus driver and a 30-something year old man from Florida (while 13) and at the age of 16 had physical relations with a man in his 20s. No, MySpace didn’t do it- my sister’s choices and naive parenting did it (IMO)—but MySpace and some of the pervs on it didn’t help. I’ve seen the personal pages of my sis, some of her friends and even some of the youth from church- and I just can’t believe that some parents either allow it- or are clueless as to what their children are doing online. I read or saw something once (cannot recall) that revealed something to the effect that for pedophiles, the ultimate dream would be to enter the home without the parents’ knowledge and get to the children- viola, the internet. It is just such a sad and scary thing to see. OK, I’ll stop rambling.
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RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? - 7/9/2008 8:54:05 AM
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mommyplus3
Posts: 56
Joined: 7/8/2008
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it is a scary world out there. i don't think there's any argument there...as for the sheltering aspect and completely banning myspace, or IM, or whatever...if the parent can not be involved and keep a checkon things, then it does need to be banned. i think, at least for me, that the difference is in being involved enough to know and see what's going on. sending a kid to their room for hours with a computer is not real safe (imo).
i'm not sure about everyone else's situations, but our computers are out in the open, i have 3 kids, and i am a SAHM who thinks that i have the right to see all that happens on the computers. there is no privacy in our home LOL. i will admit that if my kids had unsupervised time and opportunity to be on the computers, i would feel differently and feel the need to block myspace, etc. at the moment, it does not apply to us, so they are allowed.
it is an interesting topic, and i appreciate all of the different viewpoints
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