Common interest

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Prairiehiker -> Common interest (6/19/2008 8:29:29 PM)
How important for you guys that you share some common interests with your spouse in terms of activities. Not just church activities, but things that you do that you both truly enjoy. I'm asking because I have some interests that no one seems to be interested in like rock climbing, hiking, or downhill skiing. I haven't met any Christian man who does this things. I'm still single, and almost 40. Common interest has been one of my criteria for finding a partner, but since I can't seem to meet a man who has the same Christian belief as I do plus someone who shares my passion for those activities I listed. I feel that if I marry someone who doesn't share those passions, that the marriage won't work and we'll just drift apart. So, is common interests really important in keep your marriage working well? I'm past the age of raising a child, so if I get married, there's no more issues about raising a family.

pbaribeault -> RE: Common interest (6/19/2008 9:04:38 PM)
I'm wondering if you might be getting a little bit blurry between something that is in the realm of interest, hobby, enjoyable activity (on the one hand) and something that is a passion, driving force, source of identity (on the other hand). Common interests are a definite asset in marriage. They give you something to do together, rather than something to do that takes you away for a little while. But something that takes you away for a little while never actually hurt a marriage, as long as you are ready to let it be a small part of your co-life, rather than a large part of your single life. It's an adjustment, and it involves putting relationship building ahead of something that you find fun to do. All healthy married couples make this decision about some of their hobbies & activities, whatever they are. It becomes a big deal if you are so 'stuck' on your hobby that it takes a lot of time and effort (and money) to engage in it, and so your relationship with your husband doesn't get the time and attention it needs to be healthy. (This mis-direction of effort no different, even if you are both interested in it, although it is not as obvious at first.) This problem often happens when you have raised your hobby to a level of passion. A passion for a hobby is nothing more than a passion for self-gratification. You like doing it, so you pursue it to an inordinate degree, and so you are simply pursuing pleasure. (Not a problem if nothing else suffers, but a good sized kink in a marriage). So, what's important to keeping a marriage working well is not necessarily sharing hobbies (though that can be a great deal of fun) but the general ability to keep hobbies in their proper place. People don't "drift apart" because they like different things, they drift apart because they consider the enjoyment given by those things to be fundamentally more important than the relationship that they are supposedly committed to, life and soul.

csl7037 -> RE: Common interest (6/19/2008 9:05:41 PM)
I think common interests are very important but it's not necessarily a good "yardstick" to use. Interests develop over time. My dad is a professional fisherman...my mother wasn't exactly a "born" fisherwoman but she learned to be a pretty good one! What choice did she have? If you just discount someone right off because they aren't avid in the activities you love you're cheating yourself out of the chance to find someone who might broaden your own perspective and also he's missing the chance to be introduced to something new. If you met the right guy and he fell head over heels for you, I'm sure he could learn to enjoy the things you do. Just because it doesn't come on his "resume" doesn't mean you should cross him off the list. You could be really missing out on something great.

car2ner -> RE: Common interest (6/19/2008 9:45:49 PM)
I really like that m'love and I share alot of common interests. Mostly it would be doing things outdoors. And I learned to play WoW with him and now alot of the gals in the family join in with their husbands and sweethearts to play. Not all of our interest are shared. My husband appreciates art but doesn't paint. I appreciate fishing but not as much as he does. He will fly fish and I will soak a worm. So like the above posters have said, it is important but not the most important part of a relationship. Leave room to explore options. Learn some of his hobbies and see if he'll take up a few of yours. At the least, he had better be active to keep up!

cheeky_monkey -> RE: Common interest (6/19/2008 10:28:43 PM)
I'm in a marriage where we have absolutely no common interests. I really wish we did. So, yeah, I think it's a good thing if you have at least one or two things of interest in common.

timf -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 8:10:56 AM)
How important for you guys that you share some common interests with your spouse in terms of activities. Not just church activities, but things that you do that you both truly enjoy. You might want to ask how much of your current life is based on the pursuit of things that interest or satisfy "self". If you have invested much of your life in self, how difficult would it be to give those things up for someone else. Even without the demands of children, marriage requires self-sacrifice. If you can not manage to surrender, give up, and forgo many of your interests, you may find greater fulfillment remaining unmarried. 2 Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

Auben -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 9:24:25 AM)
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to share interests with your future spouse. You do need to remember that the more 'must-have' qualities this person needs the more difficult it may be to find people to date (and therefore marry). If this is really important to you and you can't find people with similar interests you may want to consider moving to an area (say...Colorado) with more of those activities in the area. Or you may want to join a club for those activities and seek out Christians there. There will always be some activities that you enjoy that your spouse does not. This is not a bad thing. Sometimes it's good to complement someone. They can teach you things and you can teach them things. What's more important is to find someone who's open to learning and doing things with you. Someone who is curious and open. If you have that it's equal to any list.

waitingforreturn -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 10:04:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: timf How important for you guys that you share some common interests with your spouse in terms of activities. Not just church activities, but things that you do that you both truly enjoy. You might want to ask how much of your current life is based on the pursuit of things that interest or satisfy "self". If you have invested much of your life in self, how difficult would it be to give those things up for someone else. Even without the demands of children, marriage requires self-sacrifice. If you can not manage to surrender, give up, and forgo many of your interests, you may find greater fulfillment remaining unmarried. 2 Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. Very well said! Exactly true. We should be going into marriage with an attitude of giving. And possibly giving up.

csl7037 -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 11:37:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: waitingforreturn quote: ORIGINAL: timf How important for you guys that you share some common interests with your spouse in terms of activities. Not just church activities, but things that you do that you both truly enjoy. You might want to ask how much of your current life is based on the pursuit of things that interest or satisfy "self". If you have invested much of your life in self, how difficult would it be to give those things up for someone else. Even without the demands of children, marriage requires self-sacrifice. If you can not manage to surrender, give up, and forgo many of your interests, you may find greater fulfillment remaining unmarried. 2 Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. Very well said! Exactly true. We should be going into marriage with an attitude of giving. And possibly giving up. I agree. But also possibly even learning and enjoying new things!

deedeeowens -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 2:47:56 PM)
I don't think it's that important to have common interests. The reason I feel this way is because people change even after they're married. You might start out with someone that is interested in the same things that you are, but 10 or 20 years from now you might find yourselves having completely different interests. Your common relationship with Christ is what is really important.

LoyalFriend -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 3:06:55 PM)
I think both being christians and having like values is the most important. Having some shared interest and enjoy spending time together is important too!!

reach -> RE: Common interest (6/20/2008 3:10:50 PM)
My husband and I don't have common interests, and we are opposite life styles. He is a morning person, I am a night owl. He has to clean all the time, and I can let it go for a couple days. I like going out with people he would rather stay at home. So in this area, I have friends that I go places with, and sometimes I get him to go. But I pick my battles. I don't force him to do everything with me, and he does not force me to stay home. If we did we would both be misserable. So you might not find someone who does all the out door things you like to do, but you can still do these things with the people you do them with now.

3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Common interest (6/21/2008 6:10:01 AM)
quote: You might want to ask how much of your current life is based on the pursuit of things that interest or satisfy "self". If you have invested much of your life in self, how difficult would it be to give those things up for someone else. Even without the demands of children, marriage requires self-sacrifice. If you can not manage to surrender, give up, and forgo many of your interests, you may find greater fulfillment remaining unmarried. 2 Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. I agree. Our common interests and passions in life revolve around God, our family life, our children, and our service to God. We are totally in unity on that front. Other things, which were "passions" when we were single have taken a secondary role. My passion has alway been reading and writing, and dh has no interest in that whatsoever. So that is a side-hobby I do when I have an opportunity (I discovered that I can read through massive piles of books when I have a newborn, since it forces me to sit down and nurse him for several hours every day! [:D]) Dh's interest has shifted from health care to real estate/business ventures, and that is not something I am interested in whatsoever. But even though I don't share his passion for that I can still support him, encourage him, rejoice in his successes, and participate when I'd be useful.

Prairiehiker -> RE: Common interest (6/21/2008 9:30:33 AM)
Thanks for all the replies. I guess for most of you, you have children and are building a family. For me, I'm somewhat done with that and if I were to get married, it wouldn't be about raising a family or establishing a home. I'm in my late 30s and established. Marriage would be more for companionship (with love of course). So, in choosing a life partner, I'd definitely have to choose someone who is passionate about the things I do like travelling, climbing, skiing, etc. Or else, we won't have any interests in spending time with each other. As I'm very versatile, and can be interested in a lot of things provide that it's more of a physical activity, it wouldn't be that hard to find those type of men granted that there are Christian men out there who active. If I were to marry someone who's a total homebody and likes to tinker in the garage all day as his passion, it would be very hard and very lonely to be in that partnership. We'd never do anything together. The same for someone who's a total couch potato. It's not that my life is made up of pursuing physical pleasures. It is part of my identity to love, and I mean, LOVE, being in the outdoors, and to take that away from me because of marriage, would snuff the life out of me. So, it is very important for me to share these interests. I believe that this is what GOd wired me to be, just like He wired some people to be completely happy and content reading and writing stories. This is handprint on who I am, and to change is to really go against God's design.

cheeky_monkey -> RE: Common interest (6/21/2008 1:19:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker Thanks for all the replies. If I were to marry someone who's a total homebody and likes to tinker in the garage all day as his passion, it would be very hard and very lonely to be in that partnership. We'd never do anything together. quote: [1] This is how my marriage, although my husband plays computer games instead of tinkering in the garage. It's a very lonely way to live.

BrowneyedAL -> RE: Common interest (6/21/2008 11:04:18 PM)
I certainly can't speak to how a marriage 'should' work...because I think there are as many formulas for making a marriage work as their are marriages. That being said...I believe that there is room for both individual interests and common interests...and I think that having 'some' common interests is very important. However, that isn't to say that you have to have interests in common when you meet. Let me explain...I think any relationship be it friendship or romantic relationship, requires that both people are open to finding common ground...even where it doesn't currently exsist. Limiting yourself to finding a guy who already has the same interests as you might very well cause you to overlook the person God has chosen for you. Perhaps there is a future hiker/skier/climber out there who's just waiting on you to introduce them to these passions...or perhaps there is a golfer/bowler/music buff/whatever out there just waiting to introduce you to your next passion. I think life is a never-ending learning process and the most interesting and rewarding relationships in life aren't necessarily the ones that outwardly appear like a 'perfect match'. Other than having gone to the same high school (but not at the same time), my husband and I really had almost nothing in common at all when we met one another...and definitely didn't have any common 'interests'. I loved active pursuits...working out, hiking, even roller skating...and my other big passion was music, not one particular genre...just music. His passion was sports (watching, that is) basketball, football, golf...pretty much if its on ESPN he'll watch it! His other big interest was (for lack of a better term) gadgets...he likes electronics of most any kind. If I'd have limited myself to someone who already shared the same interests as me then I'd have missed out on the single biggest blessing in my life...not to mention some new interests of my own! Do we share all of the same interests now...nope. I still go hiking or roller skating without him (but it gives me great 'mommy time' with my kids). He's still the only one who has the slightest clue how to use the mixture of devices that make up our home entertainment center...and when he wants to watch the slowness that is baseball I reach for a book and curl up on the couch next to his recliner. BUT...I'm now a HUGE Basketball and Football fan (and I'd never been to a game of either one before meeting him) and he's been known to buy us concert tickets even for acts that he couldn't name a single song they perform before going. It was willingness that made the difference...I was willing to make an effort to find out what he found so appealing about watching sports and he was willing to patiently tolerate my constant ignorant questions about what was going on...He was willing to pass on quiet nights in the house to head out to a crowded venue to listen to some artist he'd never heard of and I was willing to take the time to explain who they were and what, particularly, I found so interesting.

Prairiehiker -> RE: Common interest (6/21/2008 11:30:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BrowneyedAL I certainly can't speak to how a marriage 'should' work...because I think there are as many formulas for making a marriage work as their are marriages. That being said...I believe that there is room for both individual interests and common interests...and I think that having 'some' common interests is very important. However, that isn't to say that you have to have interests in common when you meet. Let me explain...I think any relationship be it friendship or romantic relationship, requires that both people are open to finding common ground...even where it doesn't currently exsist. Limiting yourself to finding a guy who already has the same interests as you might very well cause you to overlook the person God has chosen for you. Perhaps there is a future hiker/skier/climber out there who's just waiting on you to introduce them to these passions...or perhaps there is a golfer/bowler/music buff/whatever out there just waiting to introduce you to your next passion. I think life is a never-ending learning process and the most interesting and rewarding relationships in life aren't necessarily the ones that outwardly appear like a 'perfect match'. Other than having gone to the same high school (but not at the same time), my husband and I really had almost nothing in common at all when we met one another...and definitely didn't have any common 'interests'. I loved active pursuits...working out, hiking, even roller skating...and my other big passion was music, not one particular genre...just music. His passion was sports (watching, that is) basketball, football, golf...pretty much if its on ESPN he'll watch it! His other big interest was (for lack of a better term) gadgets...he likes electronics of most any kind. If I'd have limited myself to someone who already shared the same interests as me then I'd have missed out on the single biggest blessing in my life...not to mention some new interests of my own! Do we share all of the same interests now...nope. I still go hiking or roller skating without him (but it gives me great 'mommy time' with my kids). He's still the only one who has the slightest clue how to use the mixture of devices that make up our home entertainment center...and when he wants to watch the slowness that is baseball I reach for a book and curl up on the couch next to his recliner. BUT...I'm now a HUGE Basketball and Football fan (and I'd never been to a game of either one before meeting him) and he's been known to buy us concert tickets even for acts that he couldn't name a single song they perform before going. It was willingness that made the difference...I was willing to make an effort to find out what he found so appealing about watching sports and he was willing to patiently tolerate my constant ignorant questions about what was going on...He was willing to pass on quiet nights in the house to head out to a crowded venue to listen to some artist he'd never heard of and I was willing to take the time to explain who they were and what, particularly, I found so interesting. Thanks. That's very insightful. I'm always open to new things and if I do get married, I'd love to share my husbands interests but I'd also prefer a man who would take interests in what I like to do. I think enough thing in common and enough differences would make a fun marriage granted that both are interested in sharing each other's passion.

BrowneyedAL -> RE: Common interest (6/21/2008 11:54:37 PM)
I completely agree PrairieHiker...it shouldn't be a one-sided willingness. Guess my main point is keeping an open mind. I didn't meet my DH and immediately become a Football fan and I'd wager a guess that if you asked him if he expected it even after the first few months he'd tell you that he would have never thought that...he knew that my early attempts at learning a little about it and accompanying him to games were nothing more than my being supportive of what he liked, not a personal interest...so I guess I'm saying, take heart if you meet someone and they don't immediately jump at the chance to go hiking with you...give them some time and a little interest in the things that interest them and you may find the favor returned when you least expect it. (and in the meantime you might discover a new hobby that 'sticks' even if the relationship doesn't)

h_seaton -> RE: Common interest (6/24/2008 12:06:10 AM)
My husband and I go rock climbing together all the time! We love it! It's a great way to spend time together, exercise, see God's wonderful creation, and build trust. Hiking is another one of our passions. You know what though... that's about the only two things we have in common as far as interests. He likes videos games, I don't. I like shopping, he'd rather stay home. I like writing, he likes solving mathematical problems. He loves going to the movies, I'd rather go to the park. I don't think you have to like to do a lot of the same things. I love that he is different; it's interesting. I like doing our separate things, then coming back and doing something together and talking about what happened while we were apart.

starvin.artist.gurl -> RE: Common interest (6/26/2008 11:30:25 AM)
I think it's good to have things in common. My husband and I are pretty young (23 and 24), and kids aren't going to be in the picture for us for a few more years (unless God has other plans). My husband and I have a great marriage and we spend a lot of time together and I think it works so well for two reasons - first, we have really similar personalities and second, we share a lot of common interests. Both of us play guitar (and a bunch of other instruments) and have a passion for music. I don't think using the word passion is an overstatement either. Both of us are very involved in the worship ministry at our church, and I think that pulls us together even more. Now that's not to say that there aren't some differences between us - I have trouble comprehending what football is even all about and he doesn't exactly enjoy shoe shopping. But when you're in a marriage, as others have said, you make sacrifices to be supportive of each other. I'll watch football with him sometimes and sometimes he'll go shopping with me. They always say opposites attract... I never really understood that idea. I'm sure it works for a lot of people, but I don't think I could imagine being married to my opposite. I think one thing a lot of posters are forgetting here is that God has given you the choice of whom to marry. If you want to find a man who likes to ski and mountain climb, you can do that, and it's probably a good idea if those things are important to you. What would be bad though, would be to marry someone who hadn't the slightest interest in those things and force them to enjoy them with you all the time. Maybe you could organize a group of people to go skiing at your church and see who comes out? [;)] Or see if a church in your area is arranging a trip? We do things like that at my church sometimes - organize white water rafting trips, ect. It's a lot of fun and you get to know people who are interested in the same activity.

KPOP -> RE: Common interest (7/4/2008 6:10:57 AM)
HI THERE. WELL -- I THINK COMMON INTEREST IS GOOD IT SURE KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING BUT I THOUGHT MORE LIKE TO BLEND THE INTEREST YOU KNOW -- THERE ARE SOME SHARED -- AND SOME LIKE LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR BOTH MY COMMON INTEREST BEFORE I MET MY HUSBAND WAS GETTING READY TO BE ON MY FEET AND ALSO TO SHARE AS MUCH GOSPEL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE WHEN I FOUND OUT WHO I WAS BACK IB 1992 AND ALSO IN 1993 I CRIED AND I WORKED REALLY HARD -- TO THE BEST I KNEW HOW I DID IT THROUGH PC AND INTERNET AND EMAIL I HAVE BEEN USING THE INTERNET SINCE AUGUST 26 1996 I GOT MY FIRST COMPUTER IN AUGUST 26 1996 AND I NEVER STOP USING IT SINCE THEN SO IF YOUR ONLY CONCERN IS COMMON INTEREST YOU CAN BLEND THAT LATER WITH A GUY THAT YOU REALLY LIKE COMMON INTEREST IS NOT THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP IT IS THOUGH IMPORTANT BUT WHEN I FIRST MEET MY HUSBAND THE ONLY THING WE SHARED IN COMMON WAS THAT WE WERE BOTH CHRISTIAN THE ONLY TRADE HE NEW WAS GARDENING HE WAS PREVIOUSLY MARRIED HE HAS A DAUGHTER I WAS FRIENDS ONCE WITH HIS EX WIFE BUT WE DO NOT CONTACT EACH OTHER NOW NOW MY HUSBAND USES PC AND IS A PC DOCTOR ONCE A WHILE AND IS A GARDENER STILL AND IS A GOOD MAN AND ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE STILL TOGETHER HE REALLY FEELS LUCKY THAT HIM AND I ARE REALLY TIGHT TOGETHER HE REALLY GIVES THE GLORY TO GOD AND THAT MAKES ME HAPPY PERHAPS SOMEDAY FOR YOU YOU WILL NOT MAKE COMMON INTEREST NUMBER ONE PRIORITY BUT IT IS THOUGH IMPORTANT YOU BOTH CAN HAVE INTEREST TOGETHER LATER LIKE ME AND MY HUSBAND HE USED TO TAKE ME TO DO MY NAILS -- WHILE SOMEONE DO HIS FEET BUT NOW THAT WE CANNOT AFFORD IT ANYMORE -- WE DO NOT HAVE LUXURY ANYMORE AND THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME TO DO PROFESSIONAL MANICURE AND MY HUSBAND WE USED TO GO CAMPING TOGETHER AND I NEVER WENT CAMPING ALONG BEFORE UNTIL I WENT CAMPING WITH MY HUSBAND AND I COOKED FOR THE BOTH OF US BUT THEN THAT IS THE COMMON INTEREST WE HAD TOGETHER CAMPING AND FISHING WE ARE NOT BOTH SNOW LOVERS WE WILL THOUGH SOMEDAY WHEN WE CAN AFFORD PERHAPS GO SNOW TUBING HE SAID HE HAS NOT DONE IT YET I HAVE SO THAT IS SOMETHING WE WILL DO TOGETHER MY HUSBAND WAS THE FIRST ONE TO TAKE ME TO CARL'S JR I THINK SO AND HE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO TAKE ME TO TACO SHOP BUT WE HAD IN COMMON OF EATING MEXICAN FOOD OH YAH HE DOES NOT LIKE MENUDO BUT WHEN HE HAS EXTRA MONEY -- HE BUYS ME MENUDO I KINDA NOT GO DOWN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BUT KINDA DO THINGS HE DOES THAT I DID NOT NORMALLY DO LIKE HE USED TO DRINK BEER AND HE GOT ME INTO DRINKING BEER BUT NOW WE BOTH DO NOT DRINK BEER THE COMMON INTEREST WILL GET THERE THE FIRST THING IS RIGHT -- ARE YOU ATTRACTIVE TO HIM AND HE TO YOU AND DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN LIVE WITH HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND WITH THAT CHILDREN I MYSELF DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN BUT I HEARD THAT GENETIC DRUGS IS LIKE THE KEY TO A LOT OF HEALTH AND AGES PROBLEMS I FIRST HEARD OF GENETIC DRUGS IN 1997 FOR MENTALLY ILL I ASK QUESTIONS TO THE PROFESSIONALS THAT DEAL WITH THE GENERAL DRUGS I WAS NOT SO DETAIL BUT THEY SAID THAT NEW MEDICATIONS HAS TO BE STUDIED FOR 7 YEARS AND THEN I THINK IT SAYS ANOTHER 7 YEARS PLUS THEN IT HAS TO BE COVERED BY HEALTH OR PRESCRIPTION INSURANCE THEY SAID THE RESEARCH MIGHT TAKE UP TO 15 YEARS AFTER THE STUDY AND THAT WAS BACK IN 1997 AND NOW IT IS 2008 SO THAT IS LIKE 11 YEARS BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF RESEARCH ON DNA AND THAT DEALS WITH GENETIC DRUGS SO IT IS LIKE MOTRIN YOU GOT PAIN -- OR HEADACHE -- YOU TAKE MOTRIN AND THE HEAD ACHE GOES AWAY BUT THEN YOU GET IT LIKE 3 MONTHS LATER AND YOU TAKE MOTRIN AGAIN SO I THINK THAT GENETIC DRUGS IS THAT WAY YOU WILL GET HEALED THEN YOU MIGHT NEED IT AGAIN LIKE IN 7 OR 10 YEARS -- PROBABLY FOR MENTAL ILLNESS OR PERHAPS GET HEALED COMPLETELY BUT THAT WILL MAKE THE PHARMACEUTICAL LOOSE MONEY SO PERHAPS THERE WILL BE A BETTER MENTAL ILLNESS RX LATER I HAVE BEEN TAKING RESPIRDAL IN A LONG TIME SO -- IF YOU CANNOT FIND ANYBODY THAT SHARES YOUR INTEREST JUST FIND ONE WHOM YOU THINK WILL SHARE YOUR INTEREST WITH YOU MY BROTHER AND SISTER DID NOT KNOW HOW TO SKI THEN THEY MEET FRIENDS WHO KNEW HOW TO SKI AND THEY WENT SKIING WENT THEM ME TOO BUT I WAS A FAILURE AT IT I WAS TERRIBLE BUT I WAS GOOD WITH SNOW TUBING AND CHEAPPER TOO JUST HARD TO CLIMB THE HILL BACK TO THE TOP TAKE CARE KATHY

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