husband has single female friends

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mrsmatt323 -> husband has single female friends (6/21/2008 9:00:08 AM)
I am newly married (since the end of March). My husband became a Chrisitan last summer, he's always had God in his life, just never had the relationship with Him. My husband is still living a little in his single/wordly way. He still keeps in touch with his female friends (most of which are single and several he has once dated) and does not tell me about it. I feel he believes that he does not need to stop communicating with these female friends and that he does not feel the need to share those conversations with me. I am having a hard time trusting him because of this but he feels I have no need to not trust him. If I don't know what's being said, how can I trust him? I want him to stop communicating with these women, I feel it may be a hinderance to the growth of our marriage. Am I wrong? Should I just let this go?

ChoirDJ -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/21/2008 9:31:42 AM)
mrsmatt323...were you aware of this attitude (and any other red flags) before you married him? quote: My husband became a Chrisitan last summer, he's always had God in his life, just never had the relationship with Him. My husband is still living a little in his single/wordly way. It doesn't sound like your husband ever really became a christian. We can profess to be christians all we want but the "proof will always be in the pudding" as they say. His behavior is very unhealthy for the marriage. It sounds like you marriage is in trouble and you both need some marriage counseling to get it back on track. It's understandable you have hard time trusting him because he has given you plenty of good reasons not to.

KenBobPDX -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/21/2008 12:30:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 I am newly married (since the end of March). Congratulations! quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 My husband became a Chrisitan last summer, he's always had God in his life, just never had the relationship with Him. Congratulations X 2! quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 My husband is still living a little in his single/wordly way. Of course he is. He's a baby Christian and needs to be discipled. He needs to establish relationships with godly men that can mentor and tutor him in what it means to be a disciple of Christ. quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 He still keeps in touch with his female friends (most of which are single and several he has once dated) and does not tell me about it. His contact with his female friends might not be as threatening if he didn't do it in secret. I suspect it's the secrecy aspect that is most threatening. quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 I feel he believes that he does not need to stop communicating with these female friends and that he does not feel the need to share those conversations with me. Has he actually said that, or is that your guess? You need to let him know how much pain this is causing you. Not in a manipulative, "you have to do this for me or you don't love me" kind of way, but in a way that lets him know that your vision of him as a godly man and husband is higher than his current behavior. This message needs to be communicated with a great deal of respect and admiration. You might check out Dr. Emerson Eggerichs work called "Cracking the communications code" for help. You can find more information at http://www.loveandrespect.com. quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 I am having a hard time trusting him because of this but he feels I have no need to not trust him. If I don't know what's being said, how can I trust him? I want him to stop communicating with these women, I feel it may be a hinderance to the growth of our marriage. Am I wrong? Should I just let this go? You cannot just let this go. The two of you need to deal with this openly and frankly. Marriages are built on a foundation of trust and this issue is hammering away at that foundation. This behavior is obviously not reflective of the kind of behavior that you would expect from a loving husband who is following after Christ. Likewise you might ask yourself, "is there anything that I'm doing that is not reflective of the kind of behavior he would expect from a loving wife following after Christ?" I would highly recommend you find a happily married couple in your church that can help mentor the two of you. If you don't have a marriage mentoring program in your church, speak to your pastor and see if he can recommend a couple that can help. You can find marriage mentoring resources at http://www.realrealationships.com. If your husband is not open to marriage mentoring, then you find an older godly woman who can mentor you individually and give you good biblical advice. These forums are a good starting place to get information, but they don't take the place of face to face discipling. Finally, I'd be cautious about jumping to conclusions about your husband not having a relationship with the Lord. Remember the enemy of our souls doesn't want your marriage to succeed and he doesn't want your husband to have a strong walk with the Lord either. Remember too that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers and principalities of this world. Pray for your husband's safety, pray that the Lord would guard your heart against bitterness, pray that your marriage would truly reflect the relationship between Christ and the church as described in Ephesians. I pray the Lord would lead you and guide you and keep you safe as you seek to represent His character in your marriage.

Szaftoo -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/21/2008 2:12:50 PM)
I am sorry for what you are going through. Because of another post you made regarding your husband, I would be very concerned with his female friends, married or single. You need to speak with him and tell him of your concerns and see what he intends to do. I agree you need Godly counsel even if you have to go alone.

SmyLynn1 -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/21/2008 4:30:08 PM)
[sm=popsigh.gif]I have gone through similar things with my husband. I told him I wouldn't mind if he kept his old female friends as long as he introduced me to them and if he wants to "hang out" with them to take me too. He flat refused. He said "my friends aren't folks you would enjoy hanging out with." I told him that he knew all my friends. He said "I wish I didn't." Bottom line - If he doesn't want to let them go then there is something more to it. I think your husband, like mine, is not truly saved. I think if the Holy Spirit were in them there would be a desire to draw closer to us as their wives. I have been married almost 8 years but this is still a constant battle. He even makes new female friends daily. They call his cell, not our home phone. I hear the female voice and ask who it was and he says a friend. I ask what friend? He says a friend from work. I ask what her name is. He says it doesn't matter. I say it does to me, They call all hours of the night. So it saddens me to say but trusting him in his secrecy is probably not healthy for your marriage. I'm no expert, just someone who can relate.

TorchHeart -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/22/2008 12:21:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 I am newly married (since the end of March). My husband became a Chrisitan last summer, he's always had God in his life, just never had the relationship with Him. My husband is still living a little in his single/wordly way. He still keeps in touch with his female friends (most of which are single and several he has once dated) and does not tell me about it. I feel he believes that he does not need to stop communicating with these female friends and that he does not feel the need to share those conversations with me. I am having a hard time trusting him because of this but he feels I have no need to not trust him. If I don't know what's being said, how can I trust him? I want him to stop communicating with these women, I feel it may be a hinderance to the growth of our marriage. Am I wrong? Should I just let this go? I have a couple questions: - Were these women his friends before you got married (you said he'd dated some of them; were they ALL his friends prior to marriage)? - Do you know these women, too? If so, what are your opinions of them, and what makes you nervous about them (just the fact that their women, or do some of them behave inappropriately around him, or vice versa)? - When you say that he doesn't tell you about talking to these women, do you mean that you ask him if he's talking to them and he lies about it, or tries to hide the fact that he is? Of if you ask him "Did you talk to your friend (Debbie) today?" does he tell you that he did? I don't think its wrong for men or women to have friends of the opposite sex, though, it is something to be cautious of. I do think that this is something you and your husband need to talk about. Especially if the conversations he's having with some of these women is quite extended. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if you knew some of them better and knew if you could trust them or not. Szaftoo makes a good point about your other post. It might raise a red flag, though I'm hesitant to out-right say that this should make you extremely uneasy about your husband. The biggest red flag to me would be if he's talking to these women, and lying to you by saying that he ISN'T talking to them when you ask him about it. While I normally don't approve of sneaking around and spying on someone, there is a way or two you can do this to see how honest he's being with you.

APreciousOne -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/23/2008 2:28:26 PM)
No, you shouldn't just "let it go" and you have every right not to trust him. Keeping in touch with an ex is just a sorry excuse for not letting go. If there was nothing to these friendships, then he wouldn't be so secretive about the conversations he has with these women. When two people marry they are supposed to "forsake all others", and he is clearly not holding up his end of the vows. Hold your ground and pray, pray, pray. He should not be putting these so-called friends of his before you.

twinkly -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/23/2008 5:07:59 PM)
Completely inappropriate behavior for a married man. I dated someone like this and I will tell you, it is a complete disrespect of you. You need to nip this in the bud. Tell him how it makes you feel and come to an agreement on it. A married man should not be having all kinds of single female friends calling him, etc. It is called boundaries and he is definitely crossing them. Ask him how it would make him feel if you were doing the same. So many men think this kind of behavior is no big deal, but it really is. Especially when it is secretive. I agree about finding a good happily married Christian couple who can give you guidance. And a good Christian man who can mentor him. I will tell you, this will lead to big problems down the road. If you tell him how it makes you feel and he still does it anyway, that will speak volumes to his character in my opinion. Marriage is about making decisions together and not doing anything without the agreement of both spouses. I hope he is open to suggestions and realizing the damage this will do.

LivePrayDream -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/23/2008 8:23:58 PM)
In my marriage, we have friends who are of the opposite sex. We chat with them and email them, but we never hang out with them unless we do it together. Your husband spending time with them in secret is a HUGE red flag. If your husband wants to continue having a friendship with them, he needs to include you in it and you need to be with him when he is with them. quote: ORIGINAL: APreciousOne Keeping in touch with an ex is just a sorry excuse for not letting go. This is so not true. One of my closest friends is my ex, whom i was with for 6 years. We didn't work out, but there's no reason to throw out 6 years of the friendship we had. My husband and I are both good friends with him and his fiance now. There's nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, including ex's, but there is something wrong with the secrets, deception, and him spending time alone with these women, not including you, and not putting you first.

Harvie -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/23/2008 9:40:51 PM)
Neither my wonderful DH nor I have single friends of the opposite sex... and I'm glad.

mrsmatt323 -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/23/2008 9:57:12 PM)
I was not aware of this before we were married. He had two female friends getting in touch with him a couple times when we were engaged, both are married. He hasn't denied keeping in touch with these women, he just doesn't tell me. I know because of his cell phone records. The conversations are usually through text message and they are when he's at work. Some of the conversations span over a period of hours, others are shorter. I asked him once why he needed to keep in touch with them and he said because they might need work done to their cars (he does after market installs). However, I seriously doubt there is hours of needed conversation to get something done to your car but I could be wrong. I haven't brought up the phone records, he would assume I was checking up on him and not trusting him. He has an issue with people not trusting him. He doesn't think I have reason not to trust him. I have mentioned before that I know he texts these women and that he doesn't tell me about it, he says nothing. He comes home to me every night after work and we spend the weekends together, we are hardly ever apart except at work. There wouldn't be time for him to cheat unless he left work...which is hard for him to do anyway. I just don't like not knowing and I don't understand why he feels the need to talk to them when he has me. I'm his wife, he chose me over all the women he's known and dated. He gets very defensive if I bring up something I don't like he does so I haven't brought this up or even voiced how much it bothers me because I know he will get angry and his anger will not get us anywhere. I have spoken with my parents, who are marriage counselors and they have given me advice and have offered for the four us to talk. My husband deeply respects my father, I'm praying that my father will be able to get through to him. This kind of behavior is not good for our marriage. Thank you all for your advice and opinion. You have all confirmed my fear - that it is wrong - that it is not the character of a Christian husband - that we need counseling. I'm glad I wasn't just freaking out and making a mountain out of mole hill.

LivePrayDream -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/26/2008 12:47:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323 I was not aware of this before we were married. He had two female friends getting in touch with him a couple times when we were engaged, both are married. He hasn't denied keeping in touch with these women, he just doesn't tell me. I know because of his cell phone records. The conversations are usually through text message and they are when he's at work. Some of the conversations span over a period of hours, others are shorter. I asked him once why he needed to keep in touch with them and he said because they might need work done to their cars (he does after market installs). However, I seriously doubt there is hours of needed conversation to get something done to your car but I could be wrong. I haven't brought up the phone records, he would assume I was checking up on him and not trusting him. He has an issue with people not trusting him. He doesn't think I have reason not to trust him. I have mentioned before that I know he texts these women and that he doesn't tell me about it, he says nothing. He comes home to me every night after work and we spend the weekends together, we are hardly ever apart except at work. There wouldn't be time for him to cheat unless he left work...which is hard for him to do anyway. I just don't like not knowing and I don't understand why he feels the need to talk to them when he has me. I'm his wife, he chose me over all the women he's known and dated. He gets very defensive if I bring up something I don't like he does so I haven't brought this up or even voiced how much it bothers me because I know he will get angry and his anger will not get us anywhere. I have spoken with my parents, who are marriage counselors and they have given me advice and have offered for the four us to talk. My husband deeply respects my father, I'm praying that my father will be able to get through to him. This kind of behavior is not good for our marriage. Thank you all for your advice and opinion. You have all confirmed my fear - that it is wrong - that it is not the character of a Christian husband - that we need counseling. I'm glad I wasn't just freaking out and making a mountain out of mole hill. I have already posted my opinion in this thread, but your latest reply makes it clear that you may have some security issues with yourself and in your relationship. Why would you be so insecure just because they are female and they are single? This doesn't mean he's looking to cheat on you or that he loves you any less. You're right, YOU are his wife. This is why you should be secure, because HE married YOU, not these other women. He may be not telling you about them out of fear that you will get angry with him, or he may be hiding them, or, most likely, he isn't telling you because he's simply forgotten to because to him it's not a huge deal to have such friends. I don't think it's a big deal either. My husband has plenty of single female friends. He even works for a clinic where he and his boss are the only males! I can't spend my life worrying every second that my husband is going to cheat on me when I know in my heart that he loves me and I have no reason not to trust him. My husband makes me feel secure in our relationship so I've no need to worry about this. The only thing I ask of him is that he doesn't spend any one on one time with his female friends, and this is fine. He chats with them, sends emails, texts, whatever, and none of this bothers me because I know he married ME. I am the woman he comes to bed with every day. I am the woman he says "I love you" to all of the time. I am the one wearing the wedding ring. There's no reason for your husband to give up his friends, even his ex's. You've even stated yourself, he spends ALL of his out-of-work time with YOU. In this case, I don't think there's anything to be worried about at all, and I think he's not telling you about the convos because he just doesn't see it as a huge deal, so he forgets to. If it's this concerning to you, I would simply ask him about it and ask him that he tell you when he talks to whom, and that should be enough. Don't snoop around his phone records and such. This will put a huge strain on your marriage should he find out you're doing this, and why would you destroy a good marriage over something that is most likely completely innocent? I also think you could benefit from talking to someone about your own insecurity... if being jealous and constantly worrying is how you react to your husband talking to another woman, then you are going to push him away and possibly destroy your marriage. Good luck and I will pray for you and your husband. I will pray you find it in your heart to trust the man who said his vows to you, and I will pray you find the confidence in yourself to not let these women disrupt your marriage. I think you ARE making a HUGE mountain out of a molehill and I will pray that you take this back down to a hill!

Hislittleone -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/26/2008 3:24:44 AM)
I know that in my marriage we don't have friends of the opposite sex and we both like it that way. It's just a boundary we have in place for the protection of our relationship. And keeping in touch with someone that you've previously been emotionally and/or physically intimate with is very unwise decision IMO. Neither my husband nor I would even dream of doing such a thing. I think it's very disrespectful of a spouse unless their husband/wife has no problem with it. But you obviously aren't comfortable with this situation. You really do need to discuss this with him and let him know how it makes you feel. If you don't talk about it then how will you ever resolve anything? Counseling is definitely a good idea. Especially since it seems you may find it hard to discuss these things with your hubby. Although I'm not sure that it's good to involve your parents. That may end up complicating things further. Could you ask them for a referral to another good counselor?

mrsmatt323 -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/26/2008 10:29:40 AM)
My husband has not made me feel secure in our marriage. He hasn't been supportive or understanding on any level. I moved an hour and a half away from my family - they were my support group always there for me always lifting me up. In the beginning I had a very hard time with being away from them, my husband got mad at me all the time for this yet he wasn't willing to take over and give me the support and understanding I needed. Since the first day of our marriage it's always been about him, he wants me to be there for him yet he's not there for me. Since I moved out of state I had to get another job, it took me almost 3 months to find one. Instead of saying congratulations and I'm proud of you, my husband said "I could've gotten a job in a week". Yes, my husband comes home to me every night and he's home all day on his days off. But I'm not comfortable with him having female friends, that's not what I want in a marriage. He and I discussed this before we were married and both agreed that unless we were friends with another couple we shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex. Now he's changed his mind. The only reason I can think of for this is because my husband told me he was looking for the fairytale life. His parents divorced when he was 3 and his mother never remarried, instead she played two to three men at a time. My husband has no view of what a marriage should be like. In his dating years whenever something went wrong he got out of the relationship and went into another. Every time things didn't go his way he left. He thought that if things went wrong the relationship wasn't meant to be, because in his mind if the relationship was meant to be there wouldn't be a single problem ever. When we were engaged I asked him why he wanted to married and what he thought being married was. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that being married was a commitment and it would be hard work but it would be worth it. We've been married for 3 months now and it has been very rocky. Every time we have a disagreement, and its always something small, he shuts down and put a wall up between us. During those times that he did that, I went out of my way and gave all I had to let him know I loved him and how much I appreciated him. It did nothing. And I found out later that he never even noticed all the hard work I was doing because he just didn't want to bothered wtih me. Because in his fairytale mind there shouldn't ever be a disagreement...everything should be perfect. I explained to him that even the best marriages have disagreements, its a part of life. If there aren't disagreements there is something wrong. He told me marriage is more work than he thought it was and he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore but that it didn't matter because he had made a commitment. My heart broke the minute he told me that. He was going to stay married because he made a commitment, which is great he should keep that commitment but I would also want him to want to stay married and keep his commitment because he loved me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He gets so discouraged because things aren't perfect and going the way he wants. I'm losing my husband and his love and devotion because we don't have the fairytale he fabricated in his mind.

ChoirDJ -> RE: husband has single female friends (6/26/2008 2:43:00 PM)
Sounds like you both came into the marriage with a lot of expectations that haven't been met by the other person and both of you are learning the hard way that marriage is tough at best. You're seeing each other's true colors for the first time and it aint pretty. It sounds like you guys need a more mature couple to mentor your marriage. Is there anyone in the church you can go to about this?

KPOP -> RE: husband has single female friends (7/4/2008 2:45:57 AM)
HI THERE. THAT IS GOOD AND BAD SO YOUR HUSBAND HAS SINGLE FEMALE FRIENDS? WELL -- IT IS HARD FOR A MAN TO CHANGE HIS WAYS AFTER MARRYING BUT I DID NOT HAVE TROUBLE WITH THAT WITH MY HUSBAND HE GOES TO THE JACUZZI THOUGH WITH GUY FRIENDS THAT LIVES IN THE PARK SO WHAT CAN YOU DO? I GUESS -- YOU CAN LIKE DO A MATCHING GAME ASK YOUR HUSBAND IF HE HAS MALE FRIENDS OR ASK THOSE GIRLS IF THEY HAVE MALE FRIENDS INVITE THEM OVER FOR A BARBECUE AND ASK THEM TO BRING A FRIEND AND MAKE IT INTO A POTLUCK YOU CAN ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO BRING FRIENDS FROM WORK -- AND INVITE THOSE FEMALE FRIENDS OVER FOR A BARBECUE MY HUSBAND USED TO BE THAT WAY NOT FEMALE FRIENDS -- BUT FRIENDS -- NOT CLOSE FRIENDS -- BUT WAS HIS FRIENDS HE TELLS ME OF HIS PAST GIRLFRIENDS AND THAT IS GOOD I TELL HIM OF MY PAST BOYFRIENDS TOO SO WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR HUSBAND WHY HE HAS FEMALE FRIENDS? IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE -- WHY DON'T YOU AS FOR ME -- GOD BLESS ME THAT HE HAS NOT FEMALE FRIENDS ALTHOUGH THERE IS A PARTICULAR GIRL WHOM HE SAYS IS WITH HIM IN THE JACUZZI SO I TELL HIM -- NOT TO DO THAT -- HE IS MARRIED TO ME AND IT WOULD LOOK BAD IN THE PARK AND I DID NOT FOUND THIS OUT FROM SOMEBODY -- HE TOLD ME I GUESS HE WANTED MY OPINION I HAVE TO ASK HIM AGAIN -- IF THE GIRL SHOWED UP PRAY FOR ME ALSO GOOD LUCK KATHY

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