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bkj -> Watching Porn and Masturbating Isn't The Same As Cheating...Is it? (7/5/2008 7:16:10 AM)
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I just had the craziest dream that my wife was unfaithful. It was the worst feeling in the world. She had slept with another man in an office of some kind where we all worked. I had the sickest feeling in my stomach. I was disgusted and enraged. So much so, that I woke up from my dream.
As I sat in my bed attempting to ponder how upset I would be if that event ever really took place, I felt like the Spirit of God brought to my mind a revelation. The Holy Ghost revealed to me that every time I masturbate or watch pornography, and confess it to my wife, she feels that same disgust and outrage due to my infidelity.
Infidelity? For the longest time I couldn’t understand it. What was the big deal? It wasn’t as if I was really cheating on her. My rationale was, I’d rather satisfy myself when I feel that urge instead of really going out and finding someone else. I could see how she could be a little upset, but she should be “happy” that I chose this route instead of the latter.
It was my sin. This was something that was exclusively between God and I. My own problem with lust that I had to get over myself, but to her it was all the same. Getting that enjoyment and fulfillment from another source and not honoring her and the sacredness of our marriage was the same as cheating on her directly.
In my dream, when I found out what she had done I was ready to pack my things and leave. My whole world was crushed. I had suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts and wondered how I would get back at her. It was truly an unfathomable thought that she would ever do that to me. But then I thought to myself, you can’t leave. You have been doing the same thing to her for years.
I have apologized for my actions to her in the past, and while I was truly sorry, I lacked the understanding of what my actions were truly doing to her and putting her through. After that dream, I felt like someone had literally kicked me in the stomach. My whole world was rocked. If I truly love my wife, there is no way that I can keep putting her through something that hurtful. On the flip side, though my wife truly loves me, there is no way anyone can be expected to keep enduring that extreme feeling of pain over and over and remain in a marriage.
There was an incident a few years back at my church when I had to aid a couple going through an affair. The husband was clearly caught in the act of sleeping with another woman, and I remember judging him. I thought to myself, how could you be so stupid? How could you do that to your wife? Now I find myself asking those same questions with my finger pointed in my own direction.
Maybe your wife isn’t like mine. Maybe I’m crazy and you can’t relate to anything I just said. That’s fine. Maybe you are going to exploit the fact that I have exposed my weakness on paper and make some funny comment about my situation. Maybe you will judge me as I judged my brother in Christ a few years back.
Or
Maybe you are someone who has imperfections. Maybe you’re glad that there is someone out there going through the same things as you. The worst feeling in the world is to go through something and feel as if there is no one to relate to what you’re going through.
Who do you talk to about an addiction to pornography when you are a respected leader in your church? Who do you tell that you and your wife have sex less and less frequent, to the point where you feel unfulfilled and frustrated? I have watched various programs, read books, prayed for my wife’s desire to increase or mine to decrease. I have tried to give of myself and be considerate of her needs. I have searched for “real” answers. Oddly enough, the truest form of reality came from a movie, “I Think I Love My Wife”, by Chris Rock.
Warning: There is offensive language and blunt truth, and due to that fact I wouldn't recommend it to you. The fact of the matter is, that movie dealt with real issues and questions that people have. That is what people are looking for: real answers to real issues.
God instituted marriage and blessed the marital bond. If Chris Rock can talk about marriage and staying faithful to his wife despite the temptations and pitfalls this world presents, how much more should we as Christians be able to do likewise.
The church is built to reach “real” people and “real” people have “real” issues. If you can’t talk about your issues in the church and to God, then where will we turn? Just because I’m born again doesn’t mean that there is no sin evident in my life. If anything being born again illuminates the fact that I have sin in my life and allows me to see my need for God to forgive that sin and to help me overcome through the blood of Christ. Sin is never acceptable and always inexcusable, but ever present and needs to be dealt with.
How hypocritical we have become. A people who judge from the outside and point the finger at those whose sin is no greater than our own. Then we wonder why people don’t come through the church doors. They are intimidated. They feel as if the church is for people who have it together. Imagine that. An organization filled with perfect people who do no wrong. Who wouldn’t want to join a place like that? It is only when we expose our problems, shortcomings, flaws, and become transparent that we can become healed.
“Confess your sins one to another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
James 5:16
I am not an authority on the subject, I simply have confessed my sin and ask that you would pray for me that I may be healed and made whole.
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