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TooLoudx4 -> Angry Children (7/5/2008 7:22:17 AM)

I could really use some advice in dealing with an angry child. My soon to be 9 yr old daughter is so upset with the tinyest things that I do, which most of them I really had nothing to do with. I'm just tired of her short temper and all the name calling. One that hurts the most is "I hate you" and "Idiot". It's bringing me to tears just writing this. She hasn't done it in a while but last night she woke up screeming and crying saying "Go away, leave me alone, I hate you" to nobody in the room but her sleeping sister. When I go in to find out what is wrong she won't tell me. During the day I get glared at, hit at, and her telling me how stupid I am.

BUT, when she wants to she is kind and respectful and so loving as any other child should behave. I have tried so many ways of discipline I'm just not getting it right. I have thought so many times that maybe we needed to see a phycologist but don't know how I would be able to afford it. So, the next best thing I did was to see if someone at her school could help ( she's the only girl in her class). Things at school are ok, it's at home I NEED some help with. I'm tired of feeling like such a bad parent. I love my children so much that it just breaks my heart that one of them could hate me so much.



manda59 -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 7:39:58 AM)

Is this a recent thing, or has it been going on for a while?

My first piece of advice is to stop taking it so personally. That gives her way too much power over you. Give those outbursts of hers as little attention as possible.

My second piece of advice is to reassure you that this sounds quite normal for a strong-willed child approaching puberty. Those hormones can start springing up far earlier than we often realise.

You might find it helpful to read the following thread - I know it was about a slightly younger child, but much of the advice still applies.

"How would you respond?"



csl7037 -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 8:37:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TooLoudx4
last night she woke up screeming and crying saying "Go away, leave me alone, I hate you" to nobody in the room but her sleeping sister. When I go in to find out what is wrong she won't tell me.


I disagree. Moodiness and outbursts are maybe normal but still not acceptable (my dd is almost 9). But this nightmare and her reaction is weird and really would worry me.



29redballoons -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 9:02:37 AM)

If this is sudden, I would be very concerned that someone has hurt your child...either physically or mentally and she is lashing out at you...because you are safe and she knows you love her.
If this is indeed sudden, please seek counseling with your church asap.



manda59 -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 9:18:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TooLoudx4
So, the next best thing I did was to see if someone at her school could help ( she's the only girl in her class).



The only girl? Is it a very small school? I am not sure I'd have wanted my dd to be the only girl in her class. When you say that things at school are ok, do you mean academically, or personally?



Boats -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 9:52:02 AM)

quote:

Is this a recent thing, or has it been going on for a while?

That's my first question as well.

quote:

She hasn't done it in a while but last night she woke up screaming and crying

This sounds like a big red flag to me.

I don't wish to add fear and paranoia on top of your frustration.

<< Signs of Sexual Abuse >>

Please don't panic.

One red flag, and nightmares can simply be scary TV.

quote:

I have thought so many times that maybe we needed to see a psychologist but don't know how I would be able to afford it.

Maybe it's time to think that you cannot afford Not to do it. That and a (complete) medical check up.

At least you can put some fears to rest.



Boats



manda59 -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 9:58:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
But this nightmare and her reaction is weird and really would worry me.



Could just be a highly sensitive imagination. My dd often shouts things out in her sleep - she just has very vivid dreams.



lightshineon -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 10:40:40 AM)

She, is very angry it seems, so much that it would come out in her sleep state. Do you have any clue what she could be angry at? Marriage problems, bullying ect.... any clue at all? It does not make you a bad mother, you sound like a very good mother in fact. I do not know where you live, but here in the United States we have mental health centers, that work on sliding scale fees, that take into account income, bills, and other things. Has she ever hurt herself, scratching cutting, things like this. I deal with an anrgy child, she has been hurt by others, She is a stuffer of that anger, but upon occasion, she will say very unhealthy things. I am homeschooling her next year. We do not qualify for sliding scale, so I pay with my insurance 60 dollars a week. She spends alot of time with grandparents, who live a block away. They seem to smooth her anger, in ways I cannot. I let her spend the weekend with them if she wishes. Now my daughter is a drama queen, so we ley her do comunity plays, drama camp. Those thing are outlets for her. I will pray for your daughter, and of course you. I do not know if this has helped you? I know wvery child is different, and mine is a young teen, a bit older, but, this has been going on since she was five. Blessings.



lightshineon -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 10:45:14 AM)

LOL that does sound like my DD, who I believe is the same age as yours. Mine has done it for a long-time though. She would laugh when she was younger in her sleep and say " I did not do it!" she was very destructive when little marking on walls and such, she even destroyed a book called " Lets Talk About Being Destructive." I think she was three or four.[8|] She overcame that thank goodness.
quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
But this nightmare and her reaction is weird and really would worry me.



Could just be a highly sensitive imagination. My dd often shouts things out in her sleep - she just has very vivid dreams.



Sadey -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 11:16:08 AM)

If this is a new behavior you need to look into professional help, something has happened to your daughter. Whether there has been abuse or not you definitely need to get a handle on this before she reachs teenagehood..

I would first look into her being the only girl in the class. How well is her class supervised. Just because the teacher says all is well doesn't mean that all is well with your daughter.

God bless you for wanting to get at the bottom of this and for wanting some answers for your girl. Don't let guilt overcome you, no matter what is going to happen in the future, you are taking the right steps by reaching out for help. God loves your little girl and wants whats best for her so ask for his guidance and he will sent you where you need to go.



garsyt -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 12:17:52 PM)

quote:

She hasn't done it in a while but last night she woke up screeming and crying saying "Go away, leave me alone, I hate you" to nobody in the room but her sleeping sister. When I go in to find out what is wrong she won't tell me. During the day I get glared at, hit at, and her telling me how stupid I am.
This shot up red flags for me! Quite honestly it sounds like something that one would hear on a playground when a child is being bullied. The teacher may say things are going fine - but bullying is often hidden and done when no one is looking. She's lashing out at you simply because she KNOWS you are her safe haven. I think she's scared. I think she's to the point where she's thinking that NO one cares and NO one notices what's happening to her, but at the same time she's scared to tell anyone as well for fear of backlash from someone.

quote:

So, the next best thing I did was to see if someone at her school could help ( she's the only girl in her class).
Why is she the only girl in her class? Is the school that small? Are there other girls in the school her age maybe in different classes? Being in a class with all boys during a time when it is very possible that ones hormones and body is starting to change could also be contributing to the problem. It can't be easy dealing with a classroom of boys all day either and 9 year old boys are pretty ruthless sometimes. Trust me I KNOW!

quote:

Things at school are ok, it's at home I NEED some help with. I'm tired of feeling like such a bad parent. I love my children so much that it just breaks my heart that one of them could hate me so much.


You are not a bad parent. I repeat, You are NOT a bad parent. Sometimes we all need help. I would suggest looking to your church family and seeing if they would be willing to help you find a counselor or psychologist and help you with the paying for it.

My heart breaks for your daughter as well. Praying you find answers and find the help your daughter needs. Keep us posted.

Blessings,

Garsy



zoebob -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 12:32:23 PM)

From the way she woke up, I agree with some others who say it sounds like maybe someone has or is hurting her physically or sexually.



manda59 -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 12:44:16 PM)

How old is the sister that she shares a room with?

Also, is she like this with her dad too, or just you?

How is she with her interactions with her siblings?



buckifn -> RE: Angry Children (7/5/2008 4:17:27 PM)

A definite possibility of sexual abuse .....before consulting a prof. I would try talking to your daughter and schedule an appt for an exam asap.


Here is some information and a link to find out more
http://www.americanhumane.org/site/PageServer?pagename=nr_fact_sheets_childsexabuse

Children who are sexually abused may exhibit behavioral changes, based on their age.

Children up to age 3 may exhibit:

Fear or excessive crying
Vomiting
Feeding problems
Bowel problems
Sleep disturbances
Failure to thrive
Children ages 2 to 9 may exhibit:

Fear of particular people, places or activities
Regression to earlier behaviors such as bed wetting or stranger anxiety
Victimization of others
Excessive masturbation
Feelings of shame or guilt
Nightmares or sleep disturbances
Withdrawal from family or friends
Fear of attack recurring
Eating disturbances
Symptoms of sexual abuse in older children and adolescents include:

Depression
Nightmares or sleep disturbances
Poor school performance
Promiscuity
Substance abuse
Aggression
Running away from home
Fear of attack recurring
Eating disturbances
Early pregnancy or marriage
Suicidal gestures
Anger about being forced into situation beyond one’s control
Pseudo-mature behaviors



stateofgrace -> RE: Angry Children (7/6/2008 8:57:10 PM)

There are many things that could be going on. I think, considering the symptoms, that professional help might be a good idea.

If you have health insurance, check to see what they cover. Many health insurance plans cover at least some percentage of mental health appointments.

A book that might help you with dealing with the angry outbursts is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I know it's heart to be strong and not take it personally (BTDT, I have a child diagnosed with early-onset Bipolar, who thankfully now as a late teen is very stable, but her pre-adolescent years were very difficult).



TooLoudx4 -> RE: Angry Children (7/7/2008 5:08:28 PM)

First of all I would like to thank you for all the comments and suggestions. Now that I've thought about everything more clearly, and the fact that my post was written on NO sleep, I can answer some of the questions.

All of this behavior is not new. It has been going on for at least 1 1/2 yrs. I'm just at the point that I don't know what to do any more. Yes, she is strong-willed quite often. I have had a family member tell me before that she could be heading into all that pre-teen stuff that I never did. I will admit that my temper may have gotten a little much for her and she had gotten scared from that. She shares her room with her 5 yr old sister. When she gets woken up from all the yelling that goes on, she'll give her that look like, "YOU HAVE JUST WOKEN ME UP!" kind of look. Ones that only siblings can give each other.

We do attend a small school, which my family all like, and she has made some friends in other classes. That hasn't been an issue for me because she is at the top of her class. The only bullying that goes on is the relentless, annoying, fighting between siblings. The kind that get on your nerves so much you wonder if your children are actually aliens. I laugh at this as I'm writing this because the 2 younger ones are taking naps, and the other 2 are quitely doing their own things. Sometimes I just don't get it.

As for the yelling at night, I think that she has just had some bad dreams and just can't get back to sleep after that. Quite a few times she has woken up because she was hungry and she is playing 20 questions with me expecting me to know exactly what she wants. She also has displayed all this joyfull behavior with the rest of the family including some extended family members. So it's not just with me.

I hope this will clarify some things. Even writing this has been helpful also. So any other comments or suggestions are welcomed.



manda59 -> RE: Angry Children (7/7/2008 5:45:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TooLoudx4
I will admit that my temper may have gotten a little much for her and she had gotten scared from that.


Could you say a bit more about this - perhaps give some examples?



TooLoudx4 -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 3:35:27 AM)

I know that our noise level in our house is maybe a little loud for some people. Sometimes just in general conversation our voices are loud. But when I get angry with the kids I start yelling and they're yelling, and we all just have a hard time setteling down to some type of "normal" sounds.



manda59 -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 3:49:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TooLoudx4
But when I get angry with the kids I start yelling and they're yelling, and we all just have a hard time setteling down to some type of "normal" sounds.



When you yell, is it just normal conversation but louder, or do you say any things that you regret afterwards?

Working on controlling your own volume (and possibly what you say) might help your dd regulate her own behaviour. Have you talked to her at all about how she feels when you yell at her?



LivePrayDream -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 10:38:25 AM)

I am going to give you my personal anecdote. You can take it how you please, but this is just my experience. Don't panic, either.

I did this to my mom. I would yell and cry and even throw things at her, call her stupid and call her names, tell her I hate her. We shared a bed together, so she would wake up in the middle of the night because I would be yelling in my sleep, throwing the covers around, and sometimes I'd even kick her, -hard-, in her shins or hips. Sometimes I'd even curse in my sleep.

I was sexually abused when I was 7, and this is why I acted out. I was terrified to admit this to my mom. I thought she would blame me for it. In reality, I was terrified in general, and she was the closest person to me to take it out on. I ended up in Charter Children's Hospital when I was 11 years old, and there is where I learned that I could confess this and my mother would still love me. I confessed to her and the counselors. I/We never pressed charges because I was not able to tell my side of the story to a judge, but he was eventually put away by another family. My mom continued to love me, and eventually our relationship mended. Now my mother is my best friend, I am 23 years old and married, am in college and have a bright future ahead of me. This wouldn't be possible if she didn't get me the help I needed.

Take this as you will. Good luck and I will be praying for you!



TooLoudx4 -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 11:12:35 AM)

I know for a fact that my DD has not been sexually abused. I know of everything that she does and goes to. So I'm sure that she just takes alot of her cues (sp) from DH & me. What child doesn't mirror their parents.[:'(]



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 12:38:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TooLoudx4

I know for a fact that my DD has now been sexually abused. I know of everything that she does and goes to. So I'm sure that she just takes alot of her cues (sp) from DH & me. What child doesn't mirror their parents.[:'(]


Did I just read that correctly? Please tell me it is a typo.



Karaboo2 -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 12:57:24 PM)

I'm thinking she meant "not" instead of "now" .... at least, I really hope that's what she meant!



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 1:06:04 PM)

Yes that is what I am hoping.



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: Angry Children (7/8/2008 1:22:14 PM)

BTW [sm=hug.gif] (wish I could do it in person, but I hope this will help a little)

When you yell at them, do you go back afterwards when you have cooled down and apologized/spoken to them? I have to do this a lot (go back and talk to them after the blow up period).



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