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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/20/2008 1:13:14 AM
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rebelman
Posts: 104
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Georgia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: rebelman
Every time she wants to do something, the parents simply say "We are your parents, God gave you to us, obey" and its pretty much a guilt trip.
So in other words, I don't have much intention of getting along with them. I tried that already. Got cussed out over the phone for no reason. That was 4 hours of non stop back and forth. Enough to give you a heart attack.
A rebel indeed. A rebel against what Christianity has become today. :O)
Take a breath, Rebelman; they don't represent all of Christianity today. They aren't me and they aren't you. They're just two people who maybe didn't read the Bible where it says parents aren't supposed to exasperate their children. And I haven't even gone into the Greek to see if that word means minor children or not. They don't sound like what God calls a parent to be in this area, so don't ding all Christianity for them - it's their choice, not God's.
If you want to marry your girl, you will be marrying her parents. Find out what they want and give it to them if you can. Or make a tearful goodbye to the young lady and go your separate ways. To tear her from her parents would be to tear most of her life off, and God has things to teach all three of them and will use the parents in her life. Your girl is a package deal, and God gave her to those parents for a reason (you might not know until heaven).
Better still, get them to come up on this thread, and let them have their say.
Marry her parents?
I know what they want. They've practically already said it. They want me to do EVERYTHING they want and BELIEVE everything they stand on. I've already failed the "Are you a Christian test" and I am through with them. Thankfully she doesn't act quite like them. We get along very well and compatibility is well. I am brutally honest and really haven't hidden anything. No secrets to hide here. I'm sure you've seen how marriages fall apart because a spouse waits until after to reveal.
I am not "tearing her" away from her parents. If I wanted to do that, I would start forbiding talking. As I posted above, she can talk all she wants and visit all she wants, just don't include me. What I will not do is just good bye and rub this off. I am a fighter and I never give up even when I have loony parents to deal with.
And I can't bring them to this site, knowing that mother of hers she will try to find my old posts in some of the more private sections and use that as ammo 
_____________________________
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"-----2 Corinthians 12:9
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/20/2008 1:54:17 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1677
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebelman
Marry her parents?
Yep. You marry into a family, and the women has been trained by her parents (who have been shaping her by acting and talking for 22 years). They are family and they have names: mother in law. Father in law. Grandma and grandpa.
quote:
I know what they want. They've practically already said it. They want me to do EVERYTHING they want and BELIEVE everything they stand on. I've already failed the "Are you a Christian test" and I am through with them.
Sounds like you've got a no-go situation here. Either her parents are lunatics (you want a wife whose main influence in life has been lunatics?) or God is using them to show you this isn't His best for you. I would never marry a guy whose parents disapproved of me, and I'd be horrified if my daughter wanted to marry a guy her father and I didn't approve of. We've been training her and shaping her all her life, and we've been adults longer than she's been alive and can spot things she can't see yet (but will soon). We've been protecting her and guiding her around the open manholes on the street. Either your gal's parents are doing this or they are, as I said, lunatics. Do you want a fight every day of the rest of your life? You might if you marry your gf.
And if you marry her, is she going to have to choose between you and them? The people God gave her to to have life, to protect and provide in childhood and train her for adulthood? This can get really ugly (even more than it is now).
quote:
Thankfully she doesn't act quite like them. We get along very well and compatibility is well. I am brutally honest and really haven't hidden anything. No secrets to hide here. I'm sure you've seen how marriages fall apart because a spouse waits until after to reveal.
Marriages seem to fall apart because people are selfish instead of loving like the Bible says (putting the other person's interests ahead of your own, don't commit adultery, live in an understanding way with your wife, support her, etc.). Maybe potential inlaws get cut off because they hate you. Something is terribly wrong here.
quote:
I am a fighter and I never give up even when I have loony parents to deal with.
And I can't bring them to this site, knowing that mother of hers she will try to find my old posts in some of the more private sections and use that as ammo
These are severe problems. Marrying into this family may guarantee that you will be handcuffed to two people who hate you for the rest of their lives. And your wife would be caught in the middle, and it could tear her apart.
What do your pastors say? What do you think God is leading you to understand? Are you praying about this? Is there sin in your life to deal with? What wise counsel have you sought from mature Christians? Where there are many counselors, there is victory.
I'm sorry. I am praying for you guys tonight.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/20/2008 2:00:00 PM
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rebelman
Posts: 104
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Yep. You marry into a family, and the women has been trained by her parents (who have been shaping her by acting and talking for 22 years). They are family and they have names: mother in law. Father in law. Grandma and grandpa.
I am not "marrying" there family. I am marrying the one that God put in my life. Am I suppose to avoid because this isn't Alice in Wonderland or something?
quote:
Sounds like you've got a no-go situation here. Either her parents are lunatics (you want a wife whose main influence in life has been lunatics?) or God is using them to show you this isn't His best for you. I would never marry a guy whose parents disapproved of me, and I'd be horrified if my daughter wanted to marry a guy her father and I didn't approve of. We've been training her and shaping her all her life, and we've been adults longer than she's been alive and can spot things she can't see yet (but will soon). We've been protecting her and guiding her around the open manholes on the street. Either your gal's parents are doing this or they are, as I said, lunatics. Do you want a fight every day of the rest of your life? You might if you marry your gf.
So I have to be approved and be like someone on the Waltons to get married? Who made these rules? I am thankful that Jesus did what He did DESPITE not being approved. Do you realize that is sort of similar to what you are asking of me? When the going gets tough, run away! Is that really what you are saying? I do not seek approval because as we can very well see I tend to never live up to most people's marvalous expectations. I'll never live up to many because they created a guidebook that is nothing but pure stipulations and conditions.
Another thing you are asking me to do is leave her in horrible living conditions with oppressive conditions. How selfish of me to just run and abandon just because "her parents dont like me".
quote:
And if you marry her, is she going to have to choose between you and them? The people God gave her to to have life, to protect and provide in childhood and train her for adulthood? This can get really ugly (even more than it is now).
And who am I going to choose between? Her or my mother who is abusive or my dad who is a mental basketcase? I am getting a vibe of "courting community" here. Is this the rule in the magical rulebook that God apparently gave in revelations to people? I must have forgotten the memo. This is making me really mad. I know more about them than I stated above. They trained her to be submissive and not do a thing unless it meets there approval. Apparently they are the equivalent of God now.
quote:
Marriages seem to fall apart because people are selfish instead of loving like the Bible says (putting the other person's interests ahead of your own, don't commit adultery, live in an understanding way with your wife, support her, etc.). Maybe potential inlaws get cut off because they hate you. Something is terribly wrong here.
Actually, if I was selfish on this, I would run away and only do "what pleases me". I'm battling the burn because I CARE enough to keep on fighting. And I support and stand by, otherwise I wouldnt fight so hard to rid the oppression. It depresses me and we are called to bear the burdens of others not run away when the going gets tough.
quote:
These are severe problems. Marrying into this family may guarantee that you will be handcuffed to two people who hate you for the rest of their lives. And your wife would be caught in the middle, and it could tear her apart.
Actually this whole situation has made her realize a lot and myself. Do you really expect me to seek everybody's approval on everything? What if God called me to something yet all the families say "NO, wrong decision bad!". Do I do it or just forsake it just because I didn't meet people's recognition?
_____________________________
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"-----2 Corinthians 12:9
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/20/2008 2:56:36 PM
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PureOath
Posts: 42
Joined: 9/2/2007
From: Abiding in the Shadow of the Almighty
Status: offline
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Rebel,
I don't come from the greatest parenting situation either. But I recognize the fact that the Lord has seen fit to place certain authorities over me.
My father, who I can honor by saying that he loved me the best he knew how as a fallible human being, has done a lot of WRONG things to me. I forgive him because Christ enables me to and for no other reason.
However, two days before my courthouse wedding taking place before my husband's deployment - we called him and asked him what he thought.
His response was - "Well, there are plenty of instances of quick marriages before WWII that lasted - and plenty of people who really got to know each other before they married and end up in divorce. I trust you kiddo."
We also called my Mom. Same deal. And his parents. All expressed regret at not being there, but we had a US Army Chaplain and some Chaplain Assistants - people to celebrate the event with.
The authorities that are placed over us are not always perfect, but we are to submit to them because God has placed them over us. I certainly DID not come from the Waltons. Neither did my husband, even though I was the first woman he had kissed in 8 years, - and we were engaged 3 weeks later, and married 2 weeks after that - and am the only woman he ever knew in the biblical sense.
quote:
ORIGINAL: rebelman
I am not "marrying" there family. I am marrying the one that God put in my life. Am I suppose to avoid because this isn't Alice in Wonderland or something?
So I have to be approved and be like someone on the Waltons to get married? Who made these rules? I am thankful that Jesus did what He did DESPITE not being approved. Do you realize that is sort of similar to what you are asking of me? When the going gets tough, run away! Is that really what you are saying? I do not seek approval because as we can very well see I tend to never live up to most people's marvalous expectations. I'll never live up to many because they created a guidebook that is nothing but pure stipulations and conditions.
Another thing you are asking me to do is leave her in horrible living conditions with oppressive conditions. How selfish of me to just run and abandon just because "her parents dont like me".
And who am I going to choose between? Her or my mother who is abusive or my dad who is a mental basketcase? I am getting a vibe of "courting community" here. Is this the rule in the magical rulebook that God apparently gave in revelations to people? I must have forgotten the memo. This is making me really mad. I know more about them than I stated above. They trained her to be submissive and not do a thing unless it meets there approval. Apparently they are the equivalent of God now.
quote:
Marriages seem to fall apart because people are selfish instead of loving like the Bible says (putting the other person's interests ahead of your own, don't commit adultery, live in an understanding way with your wife, support her, etc.). Maybe potential inlaws get cut off because they hate you. Something is terribly wrong here.
Actually, if I was selfish on this, I would run away and only do "what pleases me". I'm battling the burn because I CARE enough to keep on fighting. And I support and stand by, otherwise I wouldnt fight so hard to rid the oppression. It depresses me and we are called to bear the burdens of others not run away when the going gets tough.
Actually this whole situation has made her realize a lot and myself. Do you really expect me to seek everybody's approval on everything? What if God called me to something yet all the families say "NO, wrong decision bad!". Do I do it or just forsake it just because I didn't meet people's recognition?
< Message edited by PureOath -- 7/20/2008 3:03:12 PM >
_____________________________
quote:
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
- Sir Winston Churchill
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/20/2008 3:51:48 PM
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rebelman
Posts: 104
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PureOath
Rebel,
I don't come from the greatest parenting situation either. But I recognize the fact that the Lord has seen fit to place certain authorities over me.
My father, who I can honor by saying that he loved me the best he knew how as a fallible human being, has done a lot of WRONG things to me. I forgive him because Christ enables me to and for no other reason.
However, two days before my courthouse wedding taking place before my husband's deployment - we called him and asked him what he thought.
His response was - "Well, there are plenty of instances of quick marriages before WWII that lasted - and plenty of people who really got to know each other before they married and end up in divorce. I trust you kiddo."
We also called my Mom. Same deal. And his parents. All expressed regret at not being there, but we had a US Army Chaplain and some Chaplain Assistants - people to celebrate the event with.
The authorities that are placed over us are not always perfect, but we are to submit to them because God has placed them over us. I certainly DID not come from the Waltons. Neither did my husband, even though I was the first woman he had kissed in 8 years, - and we were engaged 3 weeks later, and married 2 weeks after that - and am the only woman he ever knew in the biblical sense.
I do understand what you are saying. My problem is I am getting a strong vibe that I am suppose to run away just because two people do not like me and what they do not like me for is rather ridiculous. Believe it or not it's politics, not Theology
I do know what they think and I am sure they'll have no problem airing it out. They will hate it because they want to be the ones to control and dictate everything. The girl's miserable and from posts above I am getting the vibe that I should just flee and leave her miserable, abandon my love just because of her parents, I cannot do that.
Am I making sense? Is love suppose to be easy? Nope. Did Salvation come easy? Nope, it came at a price. I'll get married at a price as well.
Are there any specific questions you'd like to know aoout them in general? I am more than willing to answer.
_____________________________
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"-----2 Corinthians 12:9
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 8:03:44 AM
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LaurainAL
Posts: 1437
Joined: 8/13/2005
Status: offline
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Genesis 2
2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
_____________________________
Life Trumps Choice
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 9:33:47 AM
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edlove50
Posts: 33
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
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Matt 19:5 says a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. They are starting a family separate from mom and dad and mother in law and father in law. Out of respect for their being parents and their age the newlyweds should listen to their advice, but when the it comes to making the final decision that involves the newlyweds, it's the newlyweds that have that final sayso. I understand what rebelman was saying in his post. It's too bad his prospective wife's parents are such control freaks. This is why I prefer dating over courting. If all family members (to include daughter) are in agreement on courting, then so be it. It's really a good thing. But don't push courting on someone who doesn't want it. If you do there will be rebellion and that is not good.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 12:25:34 PM
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edlove50
Posts: 33
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
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One reason I prefer courting to dating is that courting will cull out many of the families that reject God's ways and may be self-destructing. It may also cull out families that live God's ways but aren't into the courting model, but I think the group that do court will have a higher percentage of godly families.
______________________________________________________________________________
Yes - I also thank God there are no arranged marriages anymore. I disagree that groups who do court have a higher percentage of godly families. Any family where the father and mother are totally submitted to God will be a godly family. Godly families start with the parents who lead by example. A praying mom and dad can move mountains. My wife and I have seen that in our own family. The key to a close and godly family is prayer first and then communication. Then trust that God will take care of and watch over your kids when they go out either with a group or on a date. This is been an extremely enlightening and uplifting thread. I have enjoyed reading all the posts but I still don't think courting is the way and I will never encourage it. For rebelman, I hope you and your prospective wife will go ahead and marry. Get marriage counseling first and pray a lot. If you two still believe it is God's will to marry, then do it. Include her parents, but if they start trouble then put your foot down. What matters is the both of you being happy and in God's will. I am sure her parents are christians, but they can't seem to let go of their daughter and are trying to maintain control over her life and yours. You two are simply too old for that. Remember, prayer is the key.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 12:29:16 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6650
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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I think courtship is a good theory, for someone younger and still very much under the influence of mum and dad.
I'm almost 30 years old, live with my children, already been married....I love my parents and respect them, but they aren't granting 'permission' for me to meet someone else.
Mind you I will take their advice into consideration, but there will be no father sitting him down giving him a third degree with his intentions towards his daughter.
On the other hand, whomever he is will have to prove to my children that he's worth my (and their) affections.
So I guess you could say I expect him to 'court' the three of us, but I'm also not going to stress myself out if he comes over for dinner and it's just the four of us either. *shrug*
_____________________________
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 1:31:11 PM
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PureOath
Posts: 42
Joined: 9/2/2007
From: Abiding in the Shadow of the Almighty
Status: offline
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No particular questions Rebelman. Just saying, I placed my faith in God to let my parents know I was with the right guy so they could confirm it. It was HOW we knew it was God.
My dad has never liked the idea of me being married to any guy, let alone someone I hadn't lived with for at least a year before. (And when I tried to tell him just how Pagan that concept is, he never heard me.)
quote:
ORIGINAL: rebelman
quote:
ORIGINAL: PureOath
Rebel,
I don't come from the greatest parenting situation eith er. But I recognize the fact that the Lord has seen fit to place certain authorities over me.
My father, who I can honor by saying that he loved me the best he knew how as a fallible human being, has done a lot of WRONG things to me. I forgive him because Christ enables me to and for no other reason.
However, two days before my courthouse wedding taking place before my husband's deployment - we called him and asked him what he thought.
His response was - "Well, there are plenty of instances of quick marriages before WWII that lasted - and plenty of people who really got to know each other before they married and end up in divorce. I trust you kiddo."
We also called my Mom. Same deal. And his parents. All expressed regret at not being there, but we had a US Army Chaplain and some Chaplain Assistants - people to celebrate the event with.
The authorities that are placed over us are not always perfect, but we are to submit to them because God has placed them over us. I certainly DID not come from the Waltons. Neither did my husband, even though I was the first woman he had kissed in 8 years, - and we were engaged 3 weeks later, and married 2 weeks after that - and am the only woman he ever knew in the biblical sense.
I do understand what you are saying. My problem is I am getting a strong vibe that I am suppose to run away just because two people do not like me and what they do not like me for is rather ridiculous. Believe it or not it's politics, not Theology
I do know what they think and I am sure they'll have no problem airing it out. They will hate it because they want to be the ones to control and dictate everything. The girl's miserable and from posts above I am getting the vibe that I should just flee and leave her miserable, abandon my love just because of her parents, I cannot do that.
Am I making sense? Is love suppose to be easy? Nope. Did Salvation come easy? Nope, it came at a price. I'll get married at a price as well.
Are there any specific questions you'd like to know aoout them in general? I am more than willing to answer.
_____________________________
quote:
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
- Sir Winston Churchill
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 6:30:20 PM
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AlwaysPray
Posts: 1
Joined: 7/21/2008
Status: offline
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Rebelman,
I'm new here (1st post), and I certainly am no expert, but when I read your posts saying that you felt you could be married to your gf without having to deal with her parents yourself, my first thought was: that might work until
1. the kids come along and they want/deserve a good relationship with Grandma/Grandpa (Can you speak well of them to the kids, and take them to spend time with them?) and
2. her parents grow old and need her assistance, whether financially or a place to live (ie with you). She is biblically expected to care for her parents in their need (whether old age or medical problem, as in accident, cancer, etc)
Just my 'mite'
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/21/2008 6:30:55 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1677
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebelman
Am I making sense? Is love suppose to be easy? Nope. Did Salvation come easy? Nope, it came at a price. I'll get married at a price as well.
You're right; love is not easy. Look at the items in traditional wedding vows:
-better or worse
-richer or poorer
-in sickness and health
So you could expect the hard parts to be about a worse life (lose job, kid dies, house falls over in storm), poverty (no money for food for kids or place to live), and sickness (cancer or heart disease). Things that come from the hand of God and we don't cause them to happen or walk into them on purpose.
Most problems in a marriage were visible before the couple even married.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/22/2008 9:59:11 AM
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sudden
Posts: 137
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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Courting is spending time with another individual of the opposite sex that you enjoy spending time with - the object of which is usually to seek a possible mate.
Dating is spending time with another individual of the opposite sex that you enjoy spending time with the object of which is usually to seek a possible mate.
"Courting" is merely an old-fashioned term for the word "dating."
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/22/2008 10:15:49 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3225
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AlwaysPray
1. the kids come along and they want/deserve a good relationship with Grandma/Grandpa (Can you speak well of them to the kids, and take them to spend time with them?) and
2. her parents grow old and need her assistance, whether financially or a place to live (ie with you). She is biblically expected to care for her parents in their need (whether old age or medical problem, as in accident, cancer, etc)
Just my 'mite'
You do raise some interesting points, but let me respond. There are many people here who have cut off contact with at least one set of parents because those parents are a poisonous influence on their family. It's extreme, but sometimes necessary if and only if, those parents do not respect the boundaries of the younger family.
1.) Children do not need or deserve grandparents. Good grandparents are a wonderful thing to have, but they are no means a requirement if those grandparents are an unhealthy influence on the children.
2.) Adult children should help their parents in their old age, but not at the expense of their spouse, children and themselves. The immediate family comes first, and once you get married, your parents and siblings are extended family, not immediate. So, the adult child should only help the parent if the parent respects the boundaries of the younger family and giving that help is not detrimental to the immediate family that adult child is responsible for.
Just because the parents are old does not mean they get to dictate and destroy the lives of the adult children and grandchildren.
_____________________________
Don't ascribe to malice what could simply be incompetence.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/22/2008 1:01:50 PM
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sudden
Posts: 137
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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Dear SIdeways:
[/quote]
2.) Adult children should help their parents in their old age, but not at the expense of their spouse, children and themselves. The immediate family comes first, and once you get married, your parents and siblings are extended family, not immediate. So, the adult child should only help the parent if the parent respects the boundaries of the younger family and giving that help is not detrimental to the immediate family that adult child is responsible for.
Just because the parents are old does not mean they get to dictate and destroy the lives of the adult children and grandchildren.
[/quote]
What has gotten into you? Whatever are you thinking? Of course there is always a price to pay when serving others and that is the loss of ourselves to a degree...which as you know the bible states entails the actual "finding" of ourselves.
Whether this "helping" of parents or anyone else is "expensive" it is at the perception of the one whose presumed expense the help is at. If they do not perceive it...it is insignificant. If they do perceive it, are we to abandon the aged, ailing parent?
I think not.
Generally by the time we are caring for aging parents our "children" are adults and well able to care for themselves.
Far from being able to dictate the lives of their adult children, it has been my observation that most older folks seldom even see them little let alone dictate anything. And thanks to dementia, many do not even recognize their adult children.
The parents you are describing are robust not frail and failing.
Yours as a primary care giver for more than 10 years of aging parent,
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/22/2008 1:14:50 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3225
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I wasn't talking about money in my post. I was talking the well being of the children and spouse taking first priority. I clearly stated that adult children should care for their parents if they can. I can see how you are super-sensitive to this issue, but I think you misread the intent of my post.
If an elderly parent was trying to control or interfere with the parenting of minor children, then that is crossing a boundary. If the elderly parent was being repeatedly abusive towards members of the immediate family, then the adult children should simply make other care arrangements.
My maternal grandmother is in fragile health, and if my grandfather weren't around, she would have to be placed in a facility. She has 5 children, but it would be madness for anything of them to take her in. She can be extremely verbally abusive, manipulative, selfish and even cruel. She's not a bad person, but her mental state is failing.
Her children still love and support her, but it would destroy their marriages to take her in. She would make their lives a living heck. They could still love her by placing her in a good facility and visiting regularly. But the immediate family still comes first.
My MIL took in her mother when my husband was still young. She verbally abused my husband regularly, and she screamed all night, keeping the household awake. I would not tolerate my son being treated in such a manner by anyone, even my own mother.
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Don't ascribe to malice what could simply be incompetence.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/22/2008 3:27:12 PM
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sudden
Posts: 137
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline
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Sideways:
I am sorry I made the mistake about your family.
If a parent were verbally abusing the child I would explain to the child that the parent was sick in their mind. I would try to explain briefly the various types of mental illness - that it is a brain disease and no one's fault. I would further explain that the parent was currently not in the state which had been usual for them for most of their lives nor would they be likely to return to that state. I would also explain that because they are "sick" and do not have the capacity to understand the impact that their words may have; they may say things that seem cruel and nasty - but we have to remember that they are ill. I would also say that the parent still loves them and would act as if they loved them if they were in their right mind.
I would ask them to bear all of this in mind when the parent was abusive to them - it is difficult to do but not so hard that we are not capable of doing it.
With reference to your query about keeping the parent in my home? I at no time said I would do this. Sometimes one cares for an elderly parent in the parent's own home and helps out by cleaning, shopping, etc.
My home is not a mental health facility and I am not a mental health practitioner. One cannot turn ones home into a psychiatric facility without adding a great deal of grief for everyone - the parent included. Placing someone in a facility where they will be well cared for is not abandonment, it is responsible. Not tolerating someone's poor behaviour simply because they are old and not in their right mind is, I am sure you will agree, not a good thing and I am equally sure you will agree that it is not something to teach children.
Yours for survivin' em
Sudden
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I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: Do You Know What Courting Is...Versus Dating? - 7/22/2008 5:14:04 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3225
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Ok, now it's my turn to apologize. I completely agree with you about caring for a parent by helping them out at their home, or placing them in a good facility. I thought you were saying that a good child had to keep their parent at their home. My mistake.
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Don't ascribe to malice what could simply be incompetence.
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