my life is falling apart. (Full Version)

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mayfly -> my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 5:30:36 AM)

My life fell apart today. I lost $500 and I broke up with my fiance. I'm absolutely devastated. I thought he was The One, but apparently...not. [&:] And because that money is gone, I can't afford to move halfway across the country anymore, which I was planning to do this coming Friday. Which is probably not entirely bad, since I was just barely going to make it anyways, but now I don't have a job or a place to live or anything, anywhere. I can't afford to move anywhere, and I can't afford to stay here, and I have no idea what to do anymore.

My former fiance wants to stay friends... but I don't know if I can handle that. I still love him so much, and I wanted so badly to make this work. I still do. We had a fight about a week ago, about the same issue (the distance thing--he lives in another nearby city right now), and he said that he was ready to give up but I convinced him to give it a try, and he claimed that he fell in love with me all over again because I refused to give up on him. And it really seemed as though he had. But now, it's as if that never happened. He says he wasn't lying then, but I just can't imagine how his feelings could change so much so fast.

He says that the physical distance between us right now is too much for him to handle, and he could only handle it if he was sure that it was the right thing to do, and he isn't. He isn't sure about anything right now. A lot of things aren't going well for him right now--school, living situation, and with me--and he doesn't really know how to deal with any of it. He claims I'm the by far best girlfriend he's ever had and that he thinks I'm amazing, but he just doesn't love me anymore, even though just a few short weeks ago he was as excited as I was about planning our wedding. And this only changed a few days ago. I've never been more hurt or confused in my entire life.

I just don't know how to deal with this. And I need to change something, fast. I can't stay where I am after the 15th, and I don't have a job anymore.

(I just glanced at my ring on the table and now I'm sobbing so hard I can barely see the screen. I am so lost right now, Lord, please guide me through this...)

I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of moving to the US (I'm in Canada right now), but I don't think I can do that (I'm not qualified for any of the easy work visas). I would love to join the army, actually, but I don't know if you can do that without already being a citizen.

Some advice, support, prayers, anything would be really nice right now. I'm having such a hard time understanding this whole situation and figuring out what God wants me to do here.

Thank you all and God bless.



BJinWA -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 11:13:30 AM)

wow, mayfly.....

i'm sorry you are going through this. i really don't have any great advice, but i want you to know that i care and am praying for you.

now is a great time to lean on the Lord, read His word and take comfort in His promises.

hugs to you!!!



pbaribeault -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 11:42:29 AM)

OK -- say this: "Needs before feelings." Say it out loud, take 3 deep breaths (sobs OK), say it again: "Needs before feelings."

Needs: food, shelter.

Options: family, friends, social programs, YWCA, shelter, employment & rent, barracks.
Options: where you are, somewhere else.

Timeline: one week

You are smart & strong, and you can figure this out.

The Canadian army is an option too.

You don't want a "fiance" who can turn his back on you in the blink of an eye. Try to set that situation aside as much as possible, until your ordinary survival needs are under control.



jaimestarcross -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 12:05:44 PM)

How did you $500.00 ?

Does your fiance want the engagement ring?
If he doesn't maybe you can get extra cash by selling it.

If you are in Canadian you can join their Army.
No since in trying to go to the USA if you have no money, no place to live etc.

Where are your parents/relatives?
will they not help you out with shelter/food?
What about the local churches in Canada - you can ask them for assistance etc?
I live in Canada myself and I have went to several churches that help people out with emergency assistance.

If your boyfriend can turn his back on you now that you are in need - you don't even won't to consider a future with a man like that!
I'm sorry he did you wrong.

Use the resources available to you in your area: public assistance, outreach ministries, your local church etc... and the job employment service to help you find a job.



rgod -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 1:08:53 PM)

I am sorry to hear this mayfly. You will make it through this. It is painful now. I think you are right to give yourself space - let your former fiance know that you can't stay friends - at least not at this moment.

I'd echo pbaribeault - try to get your needs met first. Cry if you have to, give yourself ample time to grieve - but try to get some money flowing in. If you have relatives that will take you in for a couple of weeks - or might be able to give you money for your rent for the coming month - that will help you to buy a little time to plan your next move. If you can't afford to move - consider selling your stuff - to make it easier and also to give you cash that you'll need. Consider the ring too if your fiance doesn't want it back. That sounds a little cold but if that is what is standing between you and the streets ... well - you've got to do what you've got to do. Can you go back to your old job and ask them for it back? It might be hard to go back, but you can explain that things didn't work out and they might not have filled your position yet.

Above all, pray, pray, pray. God will see you through this. I'm sorry again that all of this happened to you today.



deermousie -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 1:26:21 PM)

First of all, let me put my arms around you and pray for you.

Lord Jesus, I lift my sister up to You right now. I ask that You comfort her and console her that You still love her and are working things out for her good. Please provide for her and heal her broken heart. I ask it in Your strong Name, amen.

Secondly, you need a place to sleep. Got a friend or someone at church who can give you a spare room or even a couch for a few weeks? Can you rent a mobile home in a park for a short while? Or rent a room? Ask your church for help.

The $500 loss was big... But it would have been spent anyway. Ask God to show you how to recover it, or provide even more in its place. It's His money and His job to provide for you. Expect it in some form, and figure out what you need to do next.


You've had a sudden change of plans, and that's disorienting. Sit down with a pencil and start playing with plans. Make a double list "pro" and "con" and brainstorm. It will help you see the possibilities and discern what might be best.

Besides a place to sleep, you'll probably want to find a job. I'd flip burgers while looking for something better, just to give you some income and structure.

quote:

My former fiance wants to stay friends... but I don't know if I can handle that.


There's no reason to dock a puppy's tail an inch at a time - I'd tell the guy I can't be in contact for half a year or so until I got my head and heart in a better place. This wouldn't rule out a marriage later, just give you healing time.

quote:


I still love him so much, and I wanted so badly to make this work. I still do. We had a fight about a week ago, about the same issue (the distance thing--he lives in another nearby city right now), and he said that he was ready to give up


He fought over something as minor and temporary as this? Not over doctrinal issues or living styles but just distance?

quote:

but I convinced him to give it a try, and he claimed that he fell in love with me all over again because I refused to give up on him.


This guy seems to be living on his feelings and not on principles that aren't easily swayed. I think he could use a few more years of real life to put some steel in his backbone so he's not so easily pushed around by life.

quote:


He says he wasn't lying then, but I just can't imagine how his feelings could change so much so fast.


Feelings do change fast. Just have pizza for breakfast and see what it does to your whole day. [:)] This young man needs to base his responses on principles, not feelings. He's not good husband material yet.

quote:

He says that the physical distance between us right now is too much for him to handle, and he could only handle it if he was sure that it was the right thing to do, and he isn't. He isn't sure about anything right now.


Then breaking up is the kindest thing for both of you, hard as it is.

quote:

A lot of things aren't going well for him right now--school, living situation, and with me--and he doesn't really know how to deal with any of it.


Marriage will make his uncertainties and responsibilities far greater. It's good for him to struggle now and figure it out before he adds the load of being responsible for a wife.

quote:

He claims I'm the by far best girlfriend he's ever had and that he thinks I'm amazing, but he just doesn't love me anymore, even though just a few short weeks ago he was as excited as I was about planning our wedding. And this only changed a few days ago. I've never been more hurt or confused in my entire life.


Oh, man, this hurts. He doesn't know what he wants so he's not ready to put himself in the yoke and pull the plow. He's not a bad person, just a very young one. The kindest thing for you to do is throw the undersized fish back into the lake; it will be bigger later.

Love is not a feeling, it's an action. It's an action we do when we have commitments and don't feel like doing them.

If he thinks you're the best gf he's ever had, it begs the question, "What if he finds a girl he likes even better?" If he's looking out only for his best interests you could find yourself rejected later. Really, Mayfly, throw this one back in, cry, and get on with your life.

quote:


I just don't know how to deal with this. And I need to change something, fast. I can't stay where I am after the 15th, and I don't have a job anymore.



Can you rehire for your old job? Call your pastor today and ask for counseling as you have an emergency. Not life and death one, but an urgent problem.

quote:

I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of moving to the US (I'm in Canada right now), but I don't think I can do that (I'm not qualified for any of the easy work visas). I would love to join the army, actually, but I don't know if you can do that without already being a citizen.


Please don't make any great commitments right now, as they will last longer than your broken heart will hurt. OK, you need to stay in Canada, you need a job and place to live where you are. Go buy a newspaper and look through the job classifieds.

God bless you, dear one. Gird up your loins and go find a way while you are trusting God to guide each step. Then take the step. There is a good future for you and today you'll take a step in that direction. I am praying for you today.



preserved -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/7/2008 6:56:50 PM)

Sorry to hear of your situation...You probably do not want to hear about praying to God...but God can truly help you in your situation...I too was thinking about the ring..If he does not want it back...sell it to get you some cash...Not clear on how you lost $500.00? What happened to your old job...perhaps you can return? There are churches that can help you and there are shelters...

Regarding your ex-fiance...I would chaulk it up and ask God to give you the strength to move on...He says he still wants to be friends...Have you asked him for assistance?



TruelyBroken4u -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/10/2008 2:04:42 AM)

Join the club my friend!!! I have a small job that has cut my hours and no longer able to provide the income that they said they would. I am back up on my bills and be on the verge of being sent to collections and more recently my aunt came up from another city accusing me of being a free loader and threatening to kick me out on the streets. She won't listen to the my half story and I live in small town where it is so hard to get a job.

Michael



whisper -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/10/2008 3:45:40 AM)

I agree with the kind folks who have encouraged you to (despite your broken heart) focus on your immediate needs right now. Which is hard when you are hurting, I know that full well. This is a fantastic time to lean on friends to help you focus and plan. If you have friends you can trust and depend on, let them rally with you and help you do the simple things that your mind is spinning too fast for you to focus on - job applications, groceries, house-hunting.

The relationship stuff is hard and will take time. You need someone who can commit to forever and can understand that feelings are fickle. If that's not him, I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you right now and let you cry with me. I'm in Canada too, but Canada's a big place, so I doubt you live in my neighbourhood in an Albertan city.

Please God catch the pieces of Mayfly's life and hold her in your hands. Please show your goodness and provision to her.



KuKu -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/10/2008 4:04:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mayfly
and he said that he was ready to give up but I convinced him to give it a try, and he claimed that he fell in love with me all over again because I refused to give up on him.
He says he wasn't lying then, but I just can't imagine how his feelings could change so much so fast.

He says that the physical distance between us right now is too much for him to handle, and he could only handle it if he was sure that it was the right thing to do, and he isn't. He isn't sure about anything right now. A lot of things aren't going well for him right now--school, living situation, and with me--and he doesn't really know how to deal with any of it. And this only changed a few days ago.


My first thought on reading your whole post- the guy is majorly depressed... as I went back and edited the points that make me think so, I am more convinced-

Life is going poorly, fiancee is too far away to help me, she wants to try- so I will- then I realize I am not worthy of her, especially since my life is so bad, and I want to give her a GOOD life; and the circle continues... Staying friends means if he breaks the cycle, he can have you back...

You personally- I strongly agree with those who suggest going to your local church for help- not only will they often help physically; the spiritual support is even more important right now, as well as someone who might be able to give you Biblical counsel.

I also second deermousie's suggest of a set time apart- give him a chance to get it back together, but protecting yourself in the meantime. I lets you know that if you can't stay with him, you will have an exit, but it also gives you time to get your emotions and reactions under control.

Again, deermousie's also very very right about not relocating right away- your emotional state is too fragile to see the LONG TERM results of your decisions- right now, a day at a time, with your church's help, is your safest option IMO.



deermousie -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/12/2008 7:49:45 PM)

Hey, Mayfly, how's it going? I am praying for you, dear.



mayfly -> RE: my life is falling apart. (7/13/2008 1:15:48 AM)

Sorry I haven't been back on this thread for a while... every time I tried to go back and read I just started crying too much to respond. I am doing much, much better now, thank you all so much your your great advice and prayers. ((((hugs for everyone))))

I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying about this whole messy situation, and I think I'm in much better place now. What I want or think I need here is totally irrelevant to what God wants from me, and I've been trying to listen more carefully to Him. It's so hard to give up your own ego sometimes though!

I told my ex that although I would love to be his friend, I can't right now. I promised him that someday when I'm able to we will be friends, but for now not thinking about him or talking to him is the most helpful thing I can do, probably for both of us. And really, I'm not sure if I ever want him back, now. I don't know if it's a maturity thing or a personality thing, but someone who flakes out on me like that is just not husband material, painful though it is for me to admit that. What if one day, 15 years down the road we had kids, a home, etc and then he lost his job? Would he suddenly say, "I can't do this anymore, I don't know what I want"?

As for my immediate needs, things are actually shaping up really well. I told my dad and he's happy to let me stay as long as I want--either until I find a new apartment or even until I finish school, if I decide to do a degree after all. He's also happy to lend me any money I need, although I doubt I will accept his offer unless I really need it, since he is far from wealthy. I went in to my job that I had just quit and told my boss the whole story (broke down crying and everything) and to my surprise he told me that although he had technically found someone to replace me, I was doing a great job and he was willing to keep me on and turn down the new hire. Yay! And the best part is that he's planning on opening another restaurant later this year, and he wants to groom me to be the general manager there (which is over 4x the salary I make now) if I'm interested. If I'm interested, ha!

So it looks like God wants me to stay here, at least for a little while longer. I can't imagine why, but I'm doing it!



beachcooky -> RE: my life is falling apart. (8/1/2008 11:12:24 PM)

Oh wow. When you said you were crying, I started tearing up. Not even lying.
This must be soooo hard on you. Especially when he said he didn't love you anymore.
This is the point where you go to God. He's there and he's CRYING. He's crying, because you're hurting. He just wants yout o know that he LOVES YOU SOO MUCH. You were put on this earth for a purpose, honey. And I know that the pain you feel is unbearable. I've never been in that situation, but I have been hurt...just like we all have. But remember, God does love you. And yes, I know a lot of Christians say "Jesus loves you" over and over..and not really mean it...but He does. In Psalm 139, it says that you were fearfully and WONDERFULLY made.

I can't even understand the pain you're going through, because I know it's heartbreaking and the pain runs real deep. But God can heal this. God can mend your broken heart...He wants to heal you. He really does! I am going to put you on a piece of paper and keep you in my prayers.

WHen I say I'll pray for someone, I definitely do. And I know a lot of Christians on here do too! We all care for you, even though we don't know you in real life...you are a part of God's family. Therefore, we care for you! But God loves and cares for you much deeper than anyone.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: my life is falling apart. (8/2/2008 6:43:32 AM)

quote:

And really, I'm not sure if I ever want him back, now. I don't know if it's a maturity thing or a personality thing, but someone who flakes out on me like that is just not husband material, painful though it is for me to admit that. What if one day, 15 years down the road we had kids, a home, etc and then he lost his job? Would he suddenly say, "I can't do this anymore, I don't know what I want"?


I think you are very, very wise to be thinking along these lines. Better to end an engagement than realize after three kids that the guy is still a flake. [&:]

I'm glad things are working out for you financially.



shadowspring -> RE: my life is falling apart. (8/2/2008 7:37:01 PM)

quote:

quote:



And really, I'm not sure if I ever want him back, now. I don't know if it's a maturity thing or a personality thing, but someone who flakes out on me like that is just not husband material, painful though it is for me to admit that. What if one day, 15 years down the road we had kids, a home, etc and then he lost his job? Would he suddenly say, "I can't do this anymore, I don't know what I want"?



I think you are very, very wise to be thinking along these lines. Better to end an engagement than realize after three kids that the guy is still a flake.



What 3capps said. [:(]



Chantelle913 -> RE: my life is falling apart. (8/2/2008 8:31:38 PM)

I agree with most of the advice from above. An husband figure will be ther for you in a time of need. "He claims I'm the by far best girlfriend he's ever had and that he thinks I'm amazing, but he just doesn't love me anymore..." Regardless of how you look at this situation you are this mans "bestfriend". Friends don't treat each other like this. Even though you all couldnt come to a common ground about what to do as far as an relationship he should still be there to help you in a time of need. If you love someone love just doesnt vanish that fast. His feelings for you shall remain the same in the time period no matter of your his wife/girlfriend/ x-girlfriend/bestfriend/ friend.....Already you played alot of roles to this man and he is leaving out there in the cold. Like you never exsisted in his life. Give God the glory and your blessings will come sooner or later. All this does is make you stronger . God bless! I will keep you on my prayers.

FYI-You should def look into churchs and see what type of programs they have to help people. I know where I live (DMV) we have Social Sercurity building that gives you a place to live, job, food stamps etc. Clear your mind and really put some thoughts together.....



deermousie -> RE: my life is falling apart. (8/3/2008 10:06:09 PM)

I'm delighted to hear that things are going so much better for you, Mayfly! Yay, God!

Keep hangin' in there, Honey, and trust God. He has wonderful things for you (read your Bible every day and find out what they are!). (((Hugs)))



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