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pbaribeault -> RE: Am I a "Right" fighter (7/25/2008 2:59:21 PM)
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It sounds maybe like you often feel defensive.
I get this because:
(1) Your husband thought you were covering your gesture with a lie about your intent. People who never do that kind of thing don't tend to get accused of it... so maybe sometimes you do try to backtrack out of a mistake by claiming a different intent? If so, definitely stop that, so that your husband might get used to you being honest about your mistakes and wouldn't be prone to think you might be covering your behind. (If this is not the case, please don't take the advice personally just consider it not applicable to your situation.)
(2) You felt the need to clear your name and secure an apology immediately regardless of the kids being present and the mood being hot. It was an inappropriate time and place to demand an apology. (Not that he should have been fighting with you about it or turning the original issue around as if it didn't matter... sounds like he's defensive too, he's in the wrong there, but he's not here to hear it.) You should have waited or stepped away. Probably waited... (see paragraph at the end about the kids)
(3) You tried to hang on to the position that your past interference with his parenting (which you know you should stop - good) was not relevant. It was relevant because it was the reason he jumped to his conclusion about the gesture. You might have been able to de-escalate if you had admitted that he had cause-and-history to accuse you of something that you reasonably might have been doing. If you had said that, he might have been willing to let the issue of him misunderstanding this time be OK with him. Then you could have proceeded to what he really wanted to talk about -- your pattern of interference. It's entirely possible to just say, "I'm sick of me interfering with your parenting too. I know I need to stop. I'm trying to do a better job these days." That's a fight stopper.
(4) You don't want to apologize if he won't. Maybe it seems to you that this puts you at a disadvantage -- makes you more wrong than him simply because you admitted your portion. It doesn't. You both still have your portions... but you have made yours right if you apologize. What he does is irrelevant. Peace is irrelevant. What he was doing wrong while you were doing your wrongs is irrelevant. When you do wrong, you apologize.
(What did you do wrong... (1) You have a tendency to undermine him as a parent, you know it, and you should be apologizing for it regularly even if this event was not a particular example of you actually doing it that time. (2) You were rude, confrontational and disrespectful to him as your husband. (3) You were rude, confrontational and disrespectful to him in front of his children. (4) Presumably you shouted at him etc. during the fight... maybe even attempted to humiliate him or threaten him. Think back & be sure. (5) You went to bed without resolution.)
So...
My main point is that you are defensive. Defensiveness prolongs & escalates fights. If you can get past it, you will be much, much better off. Even if your husband never changes. (The opposite of defensive is vulnerable.)
And about the kids. They have got to be really shook up by this. The poor son who was being gestured at! I'm absolutely sure he thinks that if he hadn't been goofing none of this would have happened... that's a lot of guilt and shame to bear. They are worried about the stability of their home and worried that they will make it worse. This has got to be driving them crazy. Next time you feel the need to clear your name, please try to think about what good it will do your kids if you can only make-nice for a while so that they don't think their actions caused the fight.
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