guilt over changing churches? (Full Version)

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BlessedMamaofmany -> guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 2:25:33 PM)

*MODS* I placed this here because I only want the opinions of other women. Thanks, oh awesome Mods! [sm=heart.gif]

My man and I seem to have come to the decision that we need to change churches. It's a tough choice to make, we've been at our current church for a year. They've been so very good to us. BUT we both feel led to change churches.
This is hard, for the obvious reasons of leaving people who have been good and loving to us. I have a very dear friend in the asst pastor's wife and I love her so, I don't want to damage that friendship. Other than her, I don't have any friends there, so that's not an issue.
I don't want to seem ungrateful for all they've done for us.
This is also hard because my husband is gone. He's in Iraq, so I have to face people and make the change alone. That's a tough one!
Anyone BTDT?
I need counsel on how to deal with my guilt, and still obey the Lord's leading. How do I talk to the pastor and my friend without hurting feelings?
Sandy



manda59 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 3:05:31 PM)

A good pastor (and his wife) should not be possessive over believers. If you feel God is calling you elsewhere, then they should respect that. They may be disappointed, and miss you, but they should honour your decision and not try to make you feel bad.

They are there to serve God by serving you. They don't own you.

You may want to prepare a brief explanation as to why. You don't owe them an explanation but you may want to give one - even if it is just that you feel the Lord is calling you elsewhere.

You're not responsible for their feelings; they're adults and responsible for their own.



HisCovenant -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 3:05:50 PM)

Just be upfront kindly. Your friend will understand that God choses to place us in different congregations for seasons of our life.

We moved our membership about 5 years ago and we had to be upfront in a hard situation. Our church was very unhealthy and we were being misled (not in salvation, but in maturity.) Church Members who were my friends then are still my friends... the immature Christians who were never a real part of the body (those not serving under God's leadership within the church, not those lacking in salvation) had hard feelings. I found that I couldn't please everyone and some people misunderstood why we left. It was a very sad time where I greived that we couldn't stay and that some church members didn't understand, but in the end we had to follow God. In my situation, I had to hurt my pastors feelings because he was a problem at the church and God kept giving me a message for him and those worshipping him... because he chose to continue on the same path, he had hard feelings. The people who were for following commands in the Bible and growth (maturity, not numbers) understood.

I'm not sure why you are leaving and it may be that it is easy to very kindly explain why you are leaving. If it's because of problems in the church that they aren't willing to resolve, just pray and be as calm and kind as possible without being untruthful when you say it. It may be that God has already given them an intuition that you will be leaving.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 4:31:47 PM)

thankfully, it's not any problems. It's rather simple...sort of...
My husband is hoping to get into the chaplain program in a few years. While this is a few years off, he's grown close to one of the chaplains. He and the chaplain are making plans for when they get back from Iraq. I'm already involved with pwoc (protestant women of the chapel) so I know a lot of the women who go to the chapel.
Between the two of us, we feel that we need to be at the chapel on post. We don't feel the connection to our church that we *need*
Anyhoo. I feel guilty because our current church has done a lot for us. They helped me move, made me meals, have always been kind and welcoming. But it's not *home* kwim?
Sandy



HisCovenant -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 5:21:58 PM)

Sounds like you could just be very open and appreciative... and they will understand.



manda59 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 5:59:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlessedMamaofmany
Anyhoo. I feel guilty because our current church has done a lot for us. They helped me move, made me meals, have always been kind and welcoming.



Sandy

They didn't do it to buy you, they did it to serve you, which is their calling! They gave freely, you don't "owe" them. If they're the people you think they are, they will understand and be glad for you.



nicole6598 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 7:00:34 PM)

Sandy that must be hard. But I am sure they will understand. They sound like they care about you and your family and would be mature and Christ like enough to let you go where you are called. I will pray for it to all go smoothly.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 7:52:33 PM)

Logically I *know* it should be just fine.
Of course, the people-pleasing-peacemaking-don't-rock-the-boat person in me can't help but feel that I'm just terrible.
Thanks for the encouragement my Friends
Sandy



fluffmonkey -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 8:14:17 PM)

If your lead to change, they will understand. They sound like good people you could always keep in touch with them...but don't feel guilty your doing Gods will :)



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 8:53:05 PM)

Yup, if you feel led to go then don't sweat it! We took a "sabbatical" from our home church for about 6 months while some drama went on... Us and another couple just attended a different church in the area until everything blew over. There were no hard feels between us and the pastor, and he understood when we chose to come back.



isaacsmom -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 10:06:27 PM)

I agree with everyone else. Just tell them the truth. You have a TOTALLY clear-cut reason from the Lord, so I'm sure you'll leave with their love and support. [:)] We've BTDT, we visited a church we loved, but did not have peace, and there was another issue (not any kind of drama, just a small doctrinal thing) so we felt the Lord wanted us elsewhere where we could serve. We had been attending that church for a while and had gotten to know the people and the pastor, but when we knew we had to leave, we didn't feel like we should just stop attending with no explanation. So we talked one on one with the pastor, explained everything, and he totally understood, although he was sad to see us go. But his friendship and support was still there. We're glad we talked with him. That way there was never any speculation on anyone's part, either. The plain and simple truth was out there.

I'll be praying for you, because it's not easy, and I'm like you -- I have trouble with even peaceful confrontation like that!



myka -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/25/2008 11:31:29 PM)

Sandy,

Since you are going to be ministering to soldiers and their spouses, it is a type of call that will take you away from your original church. (it is just one of those things that you will have to work through) Do you have a 'mentor'? As you pursue this ministry, it might be a good thing to have another person who you can talk to about things related to ministry--this would be one of those things. Since you have a good relationship with some of the people at your church, you might consider asking them about mentoring. Then you would still have the relationship, and encouragement during this time.

Shalom...



29redballoons -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/26/2008 7:37:36 AM)

Been there, done that, bought the tshirt.[;)]
I agree with everyone above, it shouldn't cause hard feelings, no one should be hurt, no one should be angry...
but in our case, that is exactly what happened. Things did eventually get better, but it took lots of prayer and time.
We are now seeing our friends on a regular basis again, and all is well. I just wanted to tell you this, not to discourage
you but simply to let you know...people are human, our feelings get hurt, try not to take it personally. They love you
and they will miss you. Their feelings will probably be hurt, but you and your family MUST follow the Lord.


Best of luck with your new path!



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/26/2008 7:45:18 AM)

thanks y'all. I just love ya.
I haven't said anything yet. I'm going to chapel on post tomorrow. After I go, I'll talk to Justin and if we both feel this is the right decision, then he'll call our pastor and talk to him. Of course I'll talk to him too, but since Justin's our leader [:)] he should call first, we both think.
I am going to talk to my friend as well. She's as close to a best friend as I have here, and I treasure her friendship deeply. I'm not worried about everyone else as much as I am her. But she's a good, Godly woman and I think she'll understand. I hope!
Sandy



artemis -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/26/2008 7:51:26 AM)

Changing churches is always hard as is looking for a new one. I hope everything goes well for you and your family. My husband and I recently left our church where he'd been the pastor for a year and a half and we definitely felt guilty over leaving. I know it was the right decision for us, and I hope it was the right decision for the church, but people made us feel like we were abandoning them. It doesn't help that the church is just barely floating along now and people blame us for killing the church [:o]

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlessedMamaofmany

thanks y'all. I just love ya.
I haven't said anything yet. I'm going to chapel on post tomorrow. After I go, I'll talk to Justin and if we both feel this is the right decision, then he'll call our pastor and talk to him. Of course I'll talk to him too, but since Justin's our leader [:)] he should call first, we both think.
I am going to talk to my friend as well. She's as close to a best friend as I have here, and I treasure her friendship deeply. I'm not worried about everyone else as much as I am her. But she's a good, Godly woman and I think she'll understand. I hope!
Sandy


I think that's very considerate of you to explain to the pastor and your friend why you are leaving and trying to continue good relationships with them. When we left our church, we were purposely vague about our reasons, but I think if we had been able to explain to people why we were leaving, it would have saved a lot of our friendships. That wasn't an option for us, but I'm glad it is for y'all. Hope everything goes well!



lexie -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/26/2008 11:59:41 AM)

I don't see you having any problems Sandy. I know that you'll be given the right words to say when the time comes and it sounds like you have an awesome church family who will be truly supportive.

My mom's church is going through a transition period. A lot of people were upset with the pastor and a lot of people in leadership left. They weren't clear about why they were leaving and that left a lot of hurt amongst the congregation. While some understood that sometimes, like in Amy's situation, you need to be vague, others didn't. But in my opinion those who didn't understand that they felt they needed to be vague, weren't really that close to them to begin with.

Sandy, you said that the women is as close to a best friend as you have there. Obviously, she feels the same way about you (who wouldn't?). Which means she will be thrilled about it. Think about it, you and your husband are stepping into very important positions, I can't see how she would be anything but thrilled for the two of you.



MrsTracy72 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/26/2008 12:59:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlessedMamaofmany

thankfully, it's not any problems. It's rather simple...sort of...
My husband is hoping to get into the chaplain program in a few years. While this is a few years off, he's grown close to one of the chaplains. He and the chaplain are making plans for when they get back from Iraq. I'm already involved with pwoc (protestant women of the chapel) so I know a lot of the women who go to the chapel.
Between the two of us, we feel that we need to be at the chapel on post. We don't feel the connection to our church that we *need*
Anyhoo. I feel guilty because our current church has done a lot for us. They helped me move, made me meals, have always been kind and welcoming. But it's not *home* kwim?
Sandy


You can say almost exactly that. Thank them for all of the help they have given. But don't feel guilty. That is our job. To help eachother. And I am sure there are people in that church you have touched and helped in one way or another, so should that keep them in your church? No. Not if they need to leave.

When I left my old church a bit over a year ago, it was hard because I LOVED my pastor. He was just a wonderful person. Our reasons for leaving were many, but mostly church politics. We were just not wanting to be involved in them, and we had a "grapevine" like you would not believe. I have been gone a year now and I still hear things from people about my life that I didn't even know. My pastor was well aware of the problems and how they were affecting our personal lives and while he took it well, he was upset because we were not the only people with these same problems.

You are leaving to continue on in a ministry. Your pastor and church family should understand that and also be supportive of that. AND they should be happy that you are going to be doing that. I know that in my new church, my pastor tells us EVERY week that it is not our job to take down other churches to build our own, and we need to go where we need to go. Plain and simple.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/28/2008 7:08:06 AM)

Went to the chapel yesterday. It was nice. Different than my church now of course...but very much like our first church. That was nice too.
I had an advantage in visiting since I already know most of the women who attend (from pwoc)
Justin and I were talking on yahoo yesterday. He's made it quite clear that he's led for us to attend chapel.
I'll gladly obey. I just can't *see* the plan kwim?
He's going to call the pastor of our other church this week. He wants us to tithe to our local church and attend special functions and bible studies there, but attend chapel on sundays and awana and pwoc.
So it's decided. But I still feel guilty [8D]



HisCovenant -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/28/2008 2:17:42 PM)

That sounds like the best of both worlds!!

I'll be praying for him to have the most loving words and to prepare your pastor's heart for a loving response to him.



nicole6598 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/28/2008 11:59:30 PM)

I agree with Zippy, sounds like a good plan!
Let us know how it goes :)



MrsTracy72 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/29/2008 12:05:56 PM)

That sounds great. You will be able to have both and shouldn't feel guilty at all about that. And did you say your husband is going to call the pastor? Is he able to from where he is at? That is good because you are the one feeling guilty over this and he is the one who is so convicted about it, he should be the one to make that call. That way if the pastor tries to talk you guys out of it, he will be stronger and better able to be firm in the decision.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/29/2008 12:48:55 PM)

yeah, he'll be able to call...it's just a matter of him finding a few minutes to be able to chat.
I need to call my friend, I don't want her to hear through the grapevine...
Now that we've made the decision, I'm excited...
Sandy



MrsTracy72 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/29/2008 10:33:31 PM)

I am glad you are excited. It will be good for you.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/31/2008 7:27:30 PM)

oh man. Justin talked to our pastor today over im. That was tough for him. I talked to his wife today (my closest friend here) that was tough too.
I still feel REALLY bad. I hope hope hope they don't hold a grudge and still love us.
Sandy



MrsTracy72 -> RE: guilt over changing churches? (7/31/2008 7:36:44 PM)

What was the response? If they hold a grudge over this, then they weren't true friends to begin with. Still hard to deal with though.



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