The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (Full Version)

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sharp1 -> The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 1:08:27 AM)

Let me first start off by saying I live in a suburban area outside of a big city. The area I live in, well, let's say, everyone is married or spoken for and it's not much of a social venue.

But I do drive 45 mins to an hour to see friends in the "Big city" anyhow, so no biggie to me.

Well , in her profile, she stated she's looking for a strong Christian man with values, etc etc. She's single, age 41 and never married.

She replied to my email with a good informative response and looked forward to hearing from me, again, ...so I responded...and I gave the specific where abouts of my town/suburb.



Well, she went on to say that was quite a ways away, and she can't afford the gas money to even see her friends (near where I live), consdering her current financial situation.

Well, I said I hope it wouldn't be a problem, because you never know that a good catch would be worth the drive. (when I said that, I meant BOTH off us...or "good catch" in general)

Then she came back with....that I was insensitive for saying "your comment to the effect that "a good guy would be worth a one hour drive." Your comment, while true, didn't seem very sensitive to my current situation."

Then she came up with a 2nd and 3rd excuse.

The second...was the age difference, I am 36, and she's only 41...and she thought our age diff. were to great....I corrected her in saying that her profile specifically stated between 35 and 60.

And third, the comment I made that "a good guy would be worth the drive" was not sensitve to her current situation. She twisted the words, I actually said "a good catch" meaning SHE and/or ME or just "good catch in general would be worth it.

Esp with us being Christians and all.


Personally, when someone starts throwing out multiple excuses, it's casting a net hoping one excuse will stick. In case 2 sound silly, one (the gasoline one) would make it stick. Like throwing three spit wads at the ceiling, hoping one will stick?

If you really want to break it down, I told her that, "Well, the cost of dating in general is pricey if yo uthink about it, price of movie tickets, other Sat. night activities, etc ,etc.

I was saying this mostly in MY defense, esp how she altered what I said to her.

However, she should have stuck with the one excuse about the gas, I think she discredited the "I can't afford the gas excuse" by throwing in those 2 additional excuses.


What do you think...just an excuse or no?



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 3:06:44 AM)

Sharp;

I think you should emulate your screenname and be sharp, here. If she's so on the defensive that your 2nd or 3rd email causes her to start slinging names like "insensitive" it doesn't matter whether it's an excuse or not...this one isn't a good catch.

As far as the other matters...I don't keep matches that are younger than me. eHarmony insists on matching clients with an age range that is totally unacceptable to me: at my particular time of life it wouldn't be fair to the guy to marry someone older...he may still want children and I can't go there.

Several of my matches have closed the match because I wasn't local. Even 45 minutes or an hour seems too far for some people...apparently they have the luxury of keeping their potential list down to just those they can meet within a 5 minute drive. When that happens it frustrates me because here where I live EVERYONE drives EVERYWHERE. It's nothing to consider a 30 minute drive to go to the grocery store or piano lessons, or even work every day. So when they close me for that reason, I have to suspect that they really had another reason, but they just didn't want to say what it was.

Gas prices are difficult, but if a person is 41 and never married, then it seems to me that gas prices are the least of their worries.

I think this person is probably a no-go for you.

besiderself



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 5:32:14 AM)

I have to be honest here. You put her in a very awkward situation. I think that was way too blunt and straightforward for someone who hardly knows you. I think her second and third "excuses" was a way of covering up her true feelings which was IMHO a way of saying no. She obviously just had a hard time saying no to you as a straight answer.

If I were this woman I too would feel very turned off by your comments about it being worth the drive. Here is a woman who hardly knows you. It's not like you are well into your relationship. Gas IS expensive and if she can't afford it, she can't afford it. It's too risky to spend all that money on gas without knowing where the relationship would go. I think if you live far away from many people then you should prepare for that and be willing to go the extra mile for a woman. Call me old fashion but you are the man. Any wise woman would not invest that kind of money for someone she doesn't know well.

Sorry to be blunt but just trying to help you out here. If you can't afford being the one to drive out then ask G-d for His favor. He is your Provider. If you develop a serious relationship then sure, a woman would be more than happy to drive out at least once. Keep trying.



sharp1 -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 8:56:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All

I have to be honest here. You put her in a very awkward situation. I think that was way too blunt and straightforward for someone who hardly knows you. I think her second and third "excuses" was a way of covering up her true feelings which was IMHO a way of saying no. She obviously just had a hard time saying no to you as a straight answer.

If I were this woman I too would feel very turned off by your comments about it being worth the drive. Here is a woman who hardly knows you. It's not like you are well into your relationship. Gas IS expensive and if she can't afford it, she can't afford it. It's too risky to spend all that money on gas without knowing where the relationship would go. I think if you live far away from many people then you should prepare for that and be willing to go the extra mile for a woman. Call me old fashion but you are the man. Any wise woman would not invest that kind of money for someone she doesn't know well.

Sorry to be blunt but just trying to help you out here. If you can't afford being the one to drive out then ask G-d for His favor. He is your Provider. If you develop a serious relationship then sure, a woman would be more than happy to drive out at least once. Keep trying.



Well, of COURSE I'll drive to see her, I never intended on HER being the one to drive out to see me 100% of the time. If anything, I would do the driving to see her. That's a given. But, I think she was just making excuses.

Beside Herself...how m uch is "too young" for you? Also, like I said, I fell within the age range she indicated.

And wondering , if she's 41 and never married...not sure what you mean by, "She has other issues to worry about"?



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 9:33:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharp1

Beside Herself...how m uch is "too young" for you? Also, like I said, I fell within the age range she indicated.


Yes, you did fall within that age range. But I'd ask you to consider not just the numbers but the possible problems involved in marrying a woman much older than you. I've seen marriages where the woman was a couple years older work fine. More than that and you start getting into life issues that you simply can't appreciate until it's too late.

And just because she put that age range down doesn't mean she was wise to do so. Do you want to have children? If so, she's biologically going to lose her ability to have children safely very soon...if it takes you a year or two to get to the point of marriage, then a year or two to conceive, then she'll have a very high risk pregnancy. Just some things to think about.

quote:

And wondering , if she's 41 and never married...not sure what you mean by, "She has other issues to worry about"?


The point I am making is that a person who wants to get married has to be willing to make some investment and take some risk. While I understand Above-All's concerns, and I think you should make it quite clear to the lady that you are not expecting her to do all the driving, it also seems to me that she jumped too quickly to conclusions and became defensive too soon. All that seems to me to mean that this lady is not married yet possibly because she has emotional issues that have prevented her from making deeper commitments or taking reasonable risks in relationships.

It seems to me that she should show a little bit more willingness, a little bit more excitement for the possibility of relationship, if she's really ready to begin working toward a serious one. For instance, instead of calling you "insensitive", she could have simply asked the question "I'm not sure I understand what you are saying: do you mean I would have to do a lot of driving to further this relationship?"

Simple, direct, and your answer would be very revealing to her.

Proceed with caution.

besiderself



saraimay75 -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 12:19:17 PM)

I believe she is saying; No without say; No.



sharp1 -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 12:30:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: besiderself

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharp1

Beside Herself...how m uch is "too young" for you? Also, like I said, I fell within the age range she indicated.


Yes, you did fall within that age range. But I'd ask you to consider not just the numbers but the possible problems involved in marrying a woman much older than you. I've seen marriages where the woman was a couple years older work fine. More than that and you start getting into life issues that you simply can't appreciate until it's too late.

And just because she put that age range down doesn't mean she was wise to do so. Do you want to have children? If so, she's biologically going to lose her ability to have children safely very soon...if it takes you a year or two to get to the point of marriage, then a year or two to conceive, then she'll have a very high risk pregnancy. Just some things to think about.

quote:

And wondering , if she's 41 and never married...not sure what you mean by, "She has other issues to worry about"?


The point I am making is that a person who wants to get married has to be willing to make some investment and take some risk. While I understand Above-All's concerns, and I think you should make it quite clear to the lady that you are not expecting her to do all the driving, it also seems to me that she jumped too quickly to conclusions and became defensive too soon. All that seems to me to mean that this lady is not married yet possibly because she has emotional issues that have prevented her from making deeper commitments or taking reasonable risks in relationships.

It seems to me that she should show a little bit more willingness, a little bit more excitement for the possibility of relationship, if she's really ready to begin working toward a serious one. For instance, instead of calling you "insensitive", she could have simply asked the question "I'm not sure I understand what you are saying: do you mean I would have to do a lot of driving to further this relationship?"

Simple, direct, and your answer would be very revealing to her.

Proceed with caution.

besiderself


Hi Beside herself....great feedback...though...to ME at least the age range doesn't seem all that a biggie. Plus, I'm 36.....a man can still...well...have kids even as an elderly person...while women seem to have a bit of a cut off point in age. She has "Undecided/Open" for children on her profile...I have the same for me...but I'm leaning towards not having kids....didn't have the urge as I used to while I was in my mid-20's...of course, I'm not sure men have the kind of urge to have children as much as women do (sorry, going off on a tangent here).

Heck, at 36,and approaching the 40 year mark myself....well, if I date women my age...well...that's going to be a problem now is it....having to consider that most women my age loose their ability to have kids around that age. So I would have to be a bit more open.

I guess, this just just hypothetical
if a guy my age WANTS kids...then I might have to forgoe dating women my age...and date a young 25 year old?

But maybe for me, fortunately, I'm opting not to have children...the subject maybe moot.

I gave an arguement, had said what you suggested, about the driving bit, and other things as well. She just deleted my email without responding.

Personally, I think she already had her mind made up before that. In her profile she states she has alot of men emailing her....so she's got a pretty full dance card as it is...so she can afford to be selective.

Of course, I would imagine 90% of them are perverts (from what I hear about from other female friends of mine) OR married men or both. lol.



sharp1 -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 12:31:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: saraimay75

I believe she is saying; No without say; No.



Yeah, I think I heard someone tell that "Any answer other than "Yes".....constitutes a "no" answer.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 1:39:33 PM)

Don't you think there is possibly something with the email that you sent to her initially and since then?

Gas prices are an incredibly huge issue for people. I know that it has impacted me from doing a LOT of things I want to be able to do - including meeting up with people I want to spend time with - it is a legitimate reason.

Also, did you notice how you said that, to YOU, the age wasn't an issue. That's not taking into consideration her concerns.

Seems there is a communication problem.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 1:57:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

Don't you think there is possibly something with the email that you sent to her initially and since then?

Gas prices are an incredibly huge issue for people. I know that it has impacted me from doing a LOT of things I want to be able to do - including meeting up with people I want to spend time with - it is a legitimate reason.

Also, did you notice how you said that, to YOU, the age wasn't an issue. That's not taking into consideration her concerns.

Seems there is a communication problem.


I think there maybe more than just a communication problem. From the lack of organization of thought in your post #7, it seems that you may need to pray and seek the Lord about His call on your life more. You don't seem to know whether God has even called you to begin seeking marriage, and certainly don't know if He's called you to have children...or at least you really haven't given it any prayerful thought. It wouldn't hurt to do some research on statistics of childbearing ages in women, either.

I could easily be wrong: internet is not the best way to determine these things. But knowing whether God is calling you to seek a relationship now at this time in your life is very important.

besiderself



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 3:39:22 PM)

Sharp I still feel that her other excuses was a direct result of feeling rather awkward and uncomfortable towards your comments about driving. You may have said that as a generalization but to her she probably took it personally. Women are more ept to take things personally sometimes and she gave a personal reaction. And if you were willing to drive out to meet with her then the best way it could have been handled was to tell her, "I know that gas is expensive but I really would like to give this a try and meet you. I can drive out. If things do progress we will figure out the transportation situation. It's all in G-d's hands". That would make her feel confident that hey, here is a guy who is walking by faith here. Good sign.

Ok but in terms of the general subject at hand...the price of gas is a good reason (not excuse) when it comes to meeting people for the first time or two. If it's a serious relationship then that's another story.



ChoirDJ -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 7:19:46 PM)

I think there are some lessons to be learned here on both sides. I'll start with your side since you posted.

Online prospects don't have the benefit of asking for clarification, hearing your voice tone, or seeing your body language when making a judgement about how to take something your wrote. For that reason, it's very important to be careful about how you say things because it's so easy to be misunderstood online.

On the other hand, this is a prime example of what I mean when I say some people "price themselves out of the market" for a relationship. They have expectations so unrealistically high that every prospect they meet will eventually do something to take themselves off that person's list of potentials. For the sake of argument, let's assume your comment was insensitive. Who has not made an insensitive comment from time to time? This would have been an opportunity for you guys to communicate about the misunderstanding and it could have been over and done with. Many of us seem to no longer believe in giving the benefit of the doubt and we run at the first sign of trouble. This is why I believe so many of us will be single for longer than God intended because we get really weird about our expectations about how the other person is supposed to act. Believe it or not, it's the adversity that creates the bond between two people, not everything going hunky-doory all the time.

Every relationship will eventually hit a speed bump, though some may hit it sooner than others (as in your situation). This is especially true when we are communicating online since it's so much easier to be misunderstood. Speed bumps provide opportunities for you to see how work through things together and learn about how to resolve conflict.

Another thing you'll have to consider was whether or not your "insensitive (remember...for the sake of argument)" comment was an isolated incident or could she be perceiving a pattern of you being an "insensitive" person. Humble out and apologize for the misunderstanding and it will come together if it's meant to be.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 10:07:00 PM)

I totally agree choir. When it comes to online, it's best to spend more time online before actually meeting. E-mail, talk on the phone, get a web cam, IM. Communicate, communicate, communicate well before meeting. In this way you are more open to be open.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/27/2008 11:06:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
I totally agree choir. When it comes to online, it's best to spend more time online before actually meeting. E-mail, talk on the phone, get a web cam, IM. Communicate, communicate, communicate well before meeting. In this way you are more open to be open.


i think if someone wants to go slow that is there prerogative and should be respected but if people are local i see no problem with a quick low pressure meet & greet rather than spending hours and hours when one could potentially rule out this match quickly or even risk building up subconscious thoughts filling in the gaps of what one doesn't know about the other person. i do think it's possible she was being polite but it's not like you were asking her to do all this driving. just reading you explain different interpretations of BOTH or he/she is spinning my head. if you ever get this response again, maybe suggest you don't mind driving for an initial meeting. whatever though, she's clearly not that into you especially now. maybe someone her exact same age will move in next door to her?



simplybeautiful -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 12:07:19 AM)

This woman is not worth your thoughts or getting your feelings hurt. She did not know how to turn you down in a polite manner. The price of gas. she needs to grow up and just tell you she is not interested. Traveling that distance is not unusual.

Don't worry about it. There is someone else out there for you.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 3:53:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
I totally agree choir. When it comes to online, it's best to spend more time online before actually meeting. E-mail, talk on the phone, get a web cam, IM. Communicate, communicate, communicate well before meeting. In this way you are more open to be open.


I think if someone wants to go slow that is there prerogative and should be respected but if people are local i see no problem with a quick low pressure meet & greet rather than spending hours and hours when one could potentially rule out this match quickly or even risk building up subconscious thoughts filling in the gaps of what one doesn't know about the other person. i do think it's possible she was being polite but it's not like you were asking her to do all this driving. just reading you explain different interpretations of BOTH or he/she is spinning my head. if you ever get this response again, maybe suggest you don't mind driving for an initial meeting. whatever though, she's clearly not that into you especially now. maybe someone her exact same age will move in next door to her?


Oh yeah totally. If you are close to each other that's totally different. My impression of the OP though is that it is far enough to be considered far. So in respects the OP this would be considered long distance. And long distance means that aspects and dynamics of a relationship will be a little more complicated. There is no such thing as a quick meet and greet when it comes to long distance relationships.

I see what you are saying cheesecake man. [;)] But this is clearly long distance.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 9:43:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
I see what you are saying cheesecake man. [;)] But this is clearly long distance.


oops my bad ... somewhere i thought i read she was an hour away which boggled my mind!



mutinywxgirl -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 9:46:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
I see what you are saying cheesecake man. [;)] But this is clearly long distance.


oops my bad ... somewhere i thought i read she was an hour away which boggled my mind!


It did say an hour away, but in some cases, people might consider that "long distance".



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 9:56:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
It did say an hour away, but in some cases, people might consider that "long distance".


so i re-re-read it again lol and this time i do see it. i read it twice again before replying in post #17 to above_all and thought i assumed it from "But I do drive 45 mins to an hour to see friends in the "Big city" anyhow, so no biggie to me." so above_all, i wasn't really trying to be a smart alec, i figure it was late at night when i read it and assumed something last night.

yes i agree some people think of an hour as long distance. in the singles gas thread, there was quite the conversation about cost of gas and impact on our lives. so either she's definately not feeling pressure to get married or she was using that as an excuse. from what my friends tell me, it doesn't seem to be that uncommon for people to have dating profiles up and not actively be pursuing leads. it was nice she emailed you back, i don't know what a good reply percentage is but it seems 'not interested' emails are in the minority.



sharp1 -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 9:59:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: Above_All
I see what you are saying cheesecake man. [;)] But this is clearly long distance.


oops my bad ... somewhere i thought i read she was an hour away which boggled my mind!


It did say an hour away, but in some cases, people might consider that "long distance".


I had a situation one time, I actually did meet a Christian woman online for a nice lunch, we had a great time getting to know each other over lunch...and I did want to see her again...got a hug goodbye.

Then later on she tells me I live to far....and I said, "Well, you knew where I lived before we met."

I think she was a little late in using that excuse, rather than the real reason. I mean if you know the person lives about an hour away, and you agree to meet, then decide AFTER the fact you think it's too far a distance....well, that's not the reason.

I don't know, I just see gas as a necessity, maybe I'm used to filling up my tank all the time. lol Plus I drive a car with pretty decent gas milage, 32 city/ 38 HWY.

Plus, where I Live...alot of people choose to live here and COMMUTE to the hour for work...they like the quietness of the suburbs.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 10:05:37 AM)

You get great mileage - most people do not. Right now - I cannot afford to go visit friends who live in Tampa - and that's only 25-30 miles for me. This is a very legitimate expense for people.

It may have been an excuse for her, but it really IS a concern for people.



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: The Price of Gas, the NEW excuse? (7/28/2008 3:02:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

so i re-re-read it again lol and this time i do see it. i read it twice again before replying in post #17 to above_all and thought i assumed it from "But I do drive 45 mins to an hour to see friends in the "Big city" anyhow, so no biggie to me." so above_all, i wasn't really trying to be a smart alec, i figure it was late at night when i read it and assumed something last night.


It's the lack of cheesecake. [:D]



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