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rocketman0621 -> how do i know (7/28/2008 2:53:30 PM)

So I've been dating my girlfriend for a while now and everything has been going great. Recently we were in discussion about some things from our pasts and she revealed some stuff that hurt me pretty bad. I've been able to get past those things but still have some lingering effects. I am so grateful for what this has done for me in so many areas. I've grown just as a man, but more importantly a man of God. Recently though I've been struggling with doubts about how I feel about things. I asked for God's will to be revealed but have only experienced pain and anxiety. I know that God does not teach or punish us by causing fear, doubt and anxiety in our lives. But at the same time I'm struggling with the fact that my feelings are not as strong as they once were. Its tough because we live 250 miles away and don't get to spend much time together, but over the phone. I know I'm probably weak since I haven't seen her in a while and I don't believe that I've lost interest. I just don't have the same burning in my stomach anymore.

I guess I have two questions:

1. Are these feelings the work of God showing me his will, or is it something more, something that has come up because of things I've not yet dealt with or matured in?

2. Is it inconceivable to believe that these doubts are just temporary and that they will go away with time and the comfort of Christ?



Jenny-Fair -> RE: how do i know (7/28/2008 3:03:55 PM)

quote:

I'm struggling with the fact that my feelings are not as strong as they once were. Its tough because we live 250 miles away and don't get to spend much time together, but over the phone. I know I'm probably weak since I haven't seen her in a while and I don't believe that I've lost interest. I just don't have the same burning in my stomach anymore.

Feelings come and go. You don't base a life on emotions, that is foolishness. You will have to deal with them, though. So, the things she told you...did they happen while you were 'together' or before?



rocketman0621 -> RE: how do i know (7/28/2008 3:46:53 PM)

No and I completely understand that. The more I think about it the more I realize that God is really just showing me how much I need him. Through times of weakness and of strength. I guess I just feel guilty that I'm not this madly in love guy. But at the same time I guess there is no reason to be, seeing as God will show me his will. And after reading some others posts, I've realized that Love is not just some thing that happens and is there and if it goes away its gone. Its something that takes time, and commitment, and devotion. I guess I'm answering my own question haha, but its always good to get input. They happened before we met. Again, they don't bother me as much, but I guess in a way it still has an effect on me whether I realize it or not. I've really just learned that I have to give it to God because he will use it all for his glory.



deermousie -> RE: how do i know (7/28/2008 4:11:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rocketman0621

No and I completely understand that. The more I think about it the more I realize that God is really just showing me how much I need him. Through times of weakness and of strength. I guess I just feel guilty that I'm not this madly in love guy. But at the same time I guess there is no reason to be, seeing as God will show me his will. And after reading some others posts, I've realized that Love is not just some thing that happens and is there and if it goes away its gone. Its something that takes time, and commitment, and devotion. I guess I'm answering my own question haha, but its always good to get input. They happened before we met. Again, they don't bother me as much, but I guess in a way it still has an effect on me whether I realize it or not. I've really just learned that I have to give it to God because he will use it all for his glory.


I think you have an excellent grip on the situation, Rocketman. God calls us to love unconditionally, and look at the "deal" He got, exchanging His throne for a human body, and then letting that body get tortured to death in exchange for us hairy barbarians who didn't even want Him.

The madly-in-love guy is just a guy in life in a stage of life. A committed guy to God's will who'll go whereever God sends him and with whomever God sends him, that's a man I'll stand up for (and so will most anyone who is honest). It's the guy who works a job he hates so he can feed his family. It's the guy who takes care of his invalid wife who had a car accident on their honeymoon. I know a guy who, as a widower with small children, married a widow with small children. They raised their kids and now find themselves alone... and not in love. But I've never heard him say a word against her, but she isn't quite as noble (so that's the only reason I know, and I worked side by side with this Christian man for years).

God says He won't withhold any good thing, so we have to trust Him for that and go whereever He leads. It may be that this girl isn't God's will for you... or that she is. None of us is a good deal; it's good you found out before you married so you could think it over and decide if you can live with it.

I'm praying for you today. May God give you wisdom and a quiet heart. I think you're working this through with the right principles.



preserved -> RE: how do i know (7/28/2008 5:20:23 PM)

ok...you and your girlfriend has been dating for a while...all has been going great....until she revealed some things in her past...You are now dealing with insecurities with her.. You have not gotten past what she has told you from her past....

Think about it...Her past should have nothing to do with you...unless it has surface in the present...Accept her for who she is to you now...the fear you are experiencing is not from God...it is from within your self.

I suspect you think she is going to repeat her past with you



shadowspring -> RE: how do i know (7/28/2008 5:56:08 PM)

Threads like this make me very glad I told my dh all about my past on our first real heart-to-heart conversation.

My thinking was that if it bothers him, he can just graciously go his own way and I'll never see him again. [:)][;)] Don't need such a man in my life anyway.

In fact it was what I was expecting from this PK/MK who was saved at the tender age of four. He surprised me by praising God for the wonderful things He had done in my life! [sm=heart.gif][:D][sm=heart.gif]

We've been married twenty years and counting...

So how do you feel about your gf's past? Grateful that Jesus saw her through? Or does it make you feel she's damaged or tainted somehow?

Please be honest with yourself and with her. No one deserve to live with someone who looks down on them and is only "willing to make allowances" for who they are. If you marry her and you feel this way, it will poison your marriage. You will not be able to successfully hide your feelings forever. [&o]



MWD -> RE: how do i know (7/28/2008 6:24:48 PM)

On the subject of what happened before, whatever it was, I guess I would want to see some regret for it, some lessons learned, some moving on, and some willingness never to return to whatever it was. I'm not saying I'd want her to carry on like a giant sack o' misery, just that I would like to see something like, "Been there, done that, ain't gonna do it again, got past it, I'm brand new, I'm worth your time, hope you like me the way I am now, and now let's decide where we're going for dinner 'cause I'm starving." Not the words, but rather the attitude about it all.

If it helps any, I've had long term relationships with an unwed mother, a former junkie, and a former stripper. All top-shelf women, every one, 'cause in my view they came out the other side to places better than they would have had they never made those mistakes in the first place. I've got to admire someone who's been through some really bad self-inflicted nastiness, and now knows better.

But that and now knows better is the crux of it. Maybe that's the point you need to focus on.



rocketman0621 -> RE: how do i know (7/29/2008 10:41:30 AM)

I really appreciate all of the input. Everyone here has really shared some great and insightful information. When it comes down to it, I know that God will work his glory on everything. She has most definitely changed and I'm so glad for that. I'm not afraid that she will go back to that because she knows she never has to. Marriage is not in the immediate future, however I realize that I do need to really reflect on all of this before that comes up. Right now I'm just looking to get to know her better and allow her to know me better. Preserved, you are completely correct in saying the fear was from me. I know that and I finally found the root of the fear and have taken it to God and prayed on it. I've already seen his work in me through it. I do not fear that she will do it again because I know why it happened and I know that those things are in the past and done. I've learned a great deal about forgiveness and the way that God wants us to go about that. She has been made clean by the power of the blood of Christ and I thank him for that, and for his work in myself. I in no way meant to imply I've not made my own mistakes. I do accept her for who she is because she accepts me for who I am, the way God made me. Its definitely been a growing experience. And thank you deermousie [:D] for the prayer. It was about that time you posted that I started feeling peace and God really moved in me. Little did I know I had the prayer of people who may not know me but through God's love were lifting me up. Shadowspring, I'm a former PK myself (former because my father is no longer in ministry) and we did set things out there in the open from the beginning so I'm very thankful for that. There has always been a complete honesty and trust and openness that I'm thankful for. I know that she was damaged in the process but I do know that God has completely changed her into the wonderful woman of God that she is now. I think this all was more about my past and insecurities in myself than it was with her. I was just doing the sinful thing and looking for someone to blame rather than realize that I was the problem. I am completely grateful that God brought her through all of this and has worked in her the way he has. To be honest if he hadn't I'm not sure, without knowing her past, if I would have been interested. But because of the changes he made in her before we met I saw her as the new person in Christ that I still see today. To MWD, you bring up a valid point. and that is definitely there which gives me the confidence to know that I don't need to worry about it. But I'm a worrier. However, I know through the grace of God that he can help me with that and that it won't be a problem. Again thanks to everyone who has responded, its been a great help. I really feel like God has worked through all of you to give me the right perspective and thinking to know that he has me where he wants me and there is nothing to worry about. Thanks![:D]



Wonder_Woman -> RE: how do i know (7/29/2008 11:16:36 AM)

I think it's normal for feelings and emotions to fluctuate throughout the various stages of a relationship. As we learn more about the person we are dating, we learn more about their faith. What lessons have they learned? What have they done with those lessons? How do they apply those lessons to their lives? Have they come out a stronger person as a result? Have those lessons strengthened their character?

I love what MWD said: I've got to admire someone who's been through some really bad self-inflicted nastiness, and now knows better.

There are things in my past that I am not proud of, choices I made, lessons I have learned. And through those choices and consequences, I learned some very valuable lessons, and am a much stronger person not only in my faith but also in my character.

Give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. If what she has done in her past hurt you, think about how much more it has hurt her.



deermousie -> RE: how do i know (7/29/2008 11:42:04 AM)

I've been thinking about this, Rocketman, and maybe this will help:

I grew up in an abusive household. I was no one's candidate for "most likely to succeed" but quite the opposite. God saved me but I carry a lot of baggage that God has been healing over the years.

My husband knew some of the junk I carried, but neither of us really understood until after several years of marriage the magnitude of my brokenness. It also became clear that DH was pretty broken, too. But God is using both of us to help heal the other, and the body of Christ is being built up.

Fairy tale marriage? Not hardly. More like two broken people in a three-legged race. We are sure it was God's will that we married, and God is healing both of us. Has it been hard? Yeah. Did we want to quit? Sometimes, but we took vows, so quitting wasn't a choice. Woud I want to do this on purpose? No. But look at the results so far: I'm being healed and God is glorified; DH is being healed and God is glorified, and we have a kid who has grown into a godly adult (and she's not broken!!! PTL!), and God is glorified. It's obvious God has been at work because people aren't capable of doing any of this.

So God gets glory (kind of our reason to be here) and DH and I are healing and life gets better for us. I love that man like crazy. He's stuck with me through thick and thin, and I am grateful. He's my best friend.

OK, I'm rambling. I hope you can pick the diamonds (if there are any) out of the refuse, and be blessed. I'm glad you're feeling the love. I am still praying for you today.



sudden -> RE: how do i know (7/29/2008 2:04:22 PM)

Trust your gut. It sounds as if you are having these feelings of doubt for good reasons. I am assuming you have had some good times with this girl although you only speak of her hurting your badly. [:'(]

There are girls/women out there who will not behave in a hurtful manner- why not find a girl who thinks more of you than that? [:D]

Sudden



slushie -> RE: how do i know (7/30/2008 4:55:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sudden

Trust your gut. It sounds as if you are having these feelings of doubt for good reasons. I am assuming you have had some good times with this girl although you only speak of her hurting your badly. [:'(]

There are girls/women out there who will not behave in a hurtful manner- why not find a girl who thinks more of you than that? [:D]

Sudden


I didn't read that.



rocketman0621 -> RE: how do i know (7/30/2008 5:09:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sudden

Trust your gut. It sounds as if you are having these feelings of doubt for good reasons. I am assuming you have had some good times with this girl although you only speak of her hurting your badly. [:'(]

There are girls/women out there who will not behave in a hurtful manner- why not find a girl who thinks more of you than that? [:D]

Sudden



Yea I'm not sure that sounds like what God would want. Things are no longer as bad, and through prayer and meditation on the word, God has revealed to me what I was looking for. I know why the feelings of doubt occurred and it had nothing to do with the hurt I'd felt, but more of just what I hadn't dealt with personally. She did not hurt me on purpose. I guess you missed the part when I said it happened well before we ever met. And she is not hurting me now either. She thinks the world of me and treats me better than I could ask for. That's why I "fell" for her in the first place. Plus, is it not our duty as called by God to forgive? Thanks for the effort, but I think that it may have been some misinformed advice. I hope this clears it up.

As an update, everything has become much better. I appreciate the prayer and have seen it work even now. God has definitely blessed this situation. Life is tough, but God uses those things to build us in him. I realize that and am glad that God is doing work in my life. I know that I still have a lot of growing to do, but that just excites me because it means God must have big plans for me. To God be the glory!!!!



sudden -> RE: how do i know (7/30/2008 6:58:49 PM)

Glad things are going better.

I read nothing but your first post...seldom read more.

Sorry I misunderstood it. Perhaps she is the "one" after all.

Sudden



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