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Keabird -> RE: Help - marriage (8/1/2008 8:04:19 PM)
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An update:
I would say the state of this marriage is very bad. And yet, at the same time, I have this gut sense that God is right in the midst of it working in it. I have asked Him if He wants me to leave, but have not been told so.
I'm even a bit puzzled, so I ask each of you who see this to ask the Lord for discernment and how to pray about this.
This is clearly a spiritual battle. It is such that no matter what I say to hubby, even a nice thing, he reacts with a contradictory comment that implies that I am somehow I am trying to get at him. This is not at all true, but I when I explain that to him, he contradicts again and deliberately escalates the situation. I have felt all week to remind him that I am not his enemy, but he seems determined to treat me as though I am!
The mind games have been a big thing this week (telling me he had witnesses coming to see what I am doing (?)) but then no one turns up, then the next night he tells me a man is coming, but won't say who. On that occasion I made an educated guess and called a man from church and it turned out to be him. It might surprise people, but these things are not getting to me, because I can see them for what they are, and I feel sorry for him that he can't see that he is playing games.
The man did come, and attempted to facilitate a conversation. He was very good actually, being very fair and quick pull up either hubby or I if he felt either was being judgmental or whatever. But at the end of the evening, hubby refused to commit to any resolutions at all, and told the man he was only 80% committed to the marriage and thought it was probably the end. (I have heard all this before. I think this is part of the mind games - I don't think he wants the end of the marriage at all, and it is all empty threats to keep me guessing, vulnerable and under control. It's not getting to me either - again, I am recognizing it for what it is and just getting on with life.)
So while the evening finished in a friendly manner, I knew not one thing had been resolved and that hubby was still in exactly the same state of mind.
That has been confirmed today with the continuation of contradicting even the most pleasant thing I say, and accusing me of various things which are just rubbish. I asked the Lord what to do, how to respond to the accusations, and felt that I am to say nothing, just pray quietly. So that is what I have been doing. Hubby continued to come in and out of the room saying all sorts of false and twisted things, and told me God told him that I am supposed to respond to him in certains ways - sorry I can't remember the exact wording, but it was along the lines of admitting things. I feel this is a kind of spiritual abuse - using the Christian faith to make me do and say certain things.
Whatever is operating through hubby is trying to cause me to doubt what I know and understand about God's word and His love for me, and even my own Christian walk. I have to cling to what the Word says about me being God's child with all my might and main because what hubby is doing is very cunning! In fact, I would say "cunning" is an understatement.
One of the things that came up again was hubby operating in secrecy - I have known for a long time that this is a ploy to try and make me feel insecure and worried - I am learning to stand against those inner reactions too. The man who visited challenged hubby directly about the secrecy thing, but this morning hubby has done exactly the same thing again. Told me he was going to see a lovely person. I thought I'll see if he will be secretive - I am not bothered if he is going to see someone - and asked him who the person was. He refused to tell, so that confirms he did not take on board what the man tried to exhort him to do in avoiding secrecy.
I do believe wholeheartedly that prayer is the answer - well, that God is the answer, and that people need to pray. My daughter is not here today and again I am thankful. The Lord is protecting her. She also knows now that I have called upon our local church for help, and that in itself seems to have strengthened her - I guess, like me, she no longer feels alone.
Oh - in an attempt to encourage hubby to look at the REAL enemy, I suggested to him this morning that when he wants to say something contradictory or fighting towards me, that he not regard me as the enemy, but fight the devil, as the Word says "Resist the devil and he will flee from you", and tell the devil he is NOT going to talk nastily to me. Hubby's response was to say he doesn't have the devil in him to fight, and later he said he is fighting me. So there we have a major spiritual blockage! He then went on to turn it around into accusations of me saying I didn't have to be accountable for what I say, which I never said at all, and in fact I said that everyone has to learn to resist the devil, but he would not accept that I included myself in that! I tell you all, it is weird and frustrating. And yet I feel very calm, that God is with me and is in control of the situation, as indeed we asked Him to be Lord of it all.
I belong to another prayer chain, but have been put off writing to it because someone sent me a well-meaning email which unfortunately assumed a bunch of stuff and put me ina position of having to defend my still being with hubby. So now I don't want to ask that prayer chain to pray again! But I think I need to. Please pray about that also.
In Him
Sherri
Father God, only You know the real truth, the real answer, how this can really be resolved. You know my heart Lord - I love You and I love my husband and children, and desire all of us to be in Christ, living for You! Lord You see my puzzlement and frustration and feeling of helplessness that no matter how nice I try to be, hubby tries to fight me. You see my genuine desire to respond in a Godly way, and do the right thing, so as not to make things worse, but somehow things get worse! Lord, only You know how to stop this chain of events, this cycles. Only You know what needs to happen in hubby's heart to help him REALLY have the love of Jesus in Him. I don't understand Lord, how a person can say they love God, but then say awful things and not be able to see that what they are doing is the opposite of the love of Jesus, even after time of reflection - as know that all of us are capable of saying things, even as Christians, that we regret later and recognize as having not been helpful or loving. So I give this situation to You, asking first and foremost that Your will be done. I ask that the love and revelation of Jesus Christ come into this marriage in such a powerful way that both of us see clearly how to show and live that love to one another, and towards all children in the family. I ask for the Holy Spirit's true humility and gentleness to come into this household and prevail in all hearts and actions and reactions. Please help hubby see that humility and gentleness are not weaknesses! Please help him understand what the gentleness and humility of God really mean and how they work in the life of a Christian. I continue to ask for wisdom, for discernment, and for direction every minute of the day, in every interaction with hubby, especially when he falsely accuses me, twists what I say, and makes demands in a dominating way that are professed to be of God. I need your help Lord.
I ask these things in Jesus Name,
Amen
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