The Nitty Gritty (Full Version)

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GrowinBaptist -> The Nitty Gritty (7/30/2008 9:52:29 AM)

Hey, all! Have a question or two. Although I have gone out with someone recently here I still consider myself single. In other words, I have not been so foolish (and neither has he for that matter) to discuss having a relationship with this man at this point. We are at the "getting to know you better" friendship phase, obviously. He did, however, leave a very obvious hint as to what he's looking for, namely, a long term relationship with marriage as his goal...without coming right out and saying it. This would be my aim as well in getting involved with someone.

What I want to know, assuming we may go out again, is when would be a good time to lay some cards on the table so we don't have any misunderstandings later. For example, my current job situation is a little uncertain at the moment...I'm not sure if the Lord will call me somewhere else. I made it a point to gently warn him about this before he asked me out, yet he did anyway. This being said, I am concerned about getting involved physically (ie. hand holding, the good night kiss....NOT SEX). I am not concerned about myself...the Lord is holding my emotions and hopes right now, so my heart can't be broken about this should I have to leave. I'd be horrible disappointed, of course, but not crushed. I am about 99.9% sure I will NOT be moving, but with that little 0.1% hanging around I don't think I want him getting too emotionally involved too quickly. He has never made a move to kiss me or anything, but I can tell by his body language and some other hinting that it is definitely on his mind. I highly doubt he is entertaining anything beyond kissing me good night...I certainly hope so, anyway. He has not even remotely given me reason to think he wants more than that.

I myself have a track record of getting too involved too fast...and all previous relationships on my end have been worldly. I've never gone out with a believer before, and I am determined to do this the Lord's way. Is it better to get something like this out in the open as soon as possible? I am at peace about discussing it with him, along with some other topics. I am stumped about the timing, though. After all, we've only gone out a couple times. And there is always the possibility that we won't go out again so this will be moot! I don't want to approach this and make him think I am rejecting him because I am not. I just want him to understand where I'm coming from...for his sake more than anything else. I just want the best for him, and I have come to terms with the idea that I may not be who is best for him. But if he's willing to take a risk with me, then he is more than worth taking a risk on as well.



John_O -> RE: The Nitty Gritty (7/30/2008 10:23:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GrowinBaptist

I am about 99.9% sure I will NOT be moving, but with that little 0.1% hanging around I don't think I want him getting too emotionally involved too quickly.


I just want the best for him, and I have come to terms with the idea that I may not be who is best for him. But if he's willing to take a risk with me, then he is more than worth taking a risk on as well.


Life is uncertain. Don't let a measly .1% get you all upset. Every single breath we have is a gift from God and we are not guaranteed the next one. So if you are waiting until everything is 100% sure you will never do anything because life is never 100% sure.

(I knew M had seizures from our first date (she had one). I knew that any seizure can kill you. If I had let worry about the small percentage chance that she wouldn't be there tomorrow stop me I would have missed 18 years with her and not have my daughter.)


It is wise to not get too involved too quickly. But what is too involved and what is too quickly? I know of couples that dated for years before marriage (Some are doing wonderfully, some are divorced). I know of couples that dated mere months before marrying (Some are doing ownderfully, some are divorced). Find what you are comfortable with and proceed at that pace.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: The Nitty Gritty (7/30/2008 1:33:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: John_O
Life is uncertain. Don't let a measly .1% get you all upset. Every single breath we have is a gift from God and we are not guaranteed the next one. So if you are waiting until everything is 100% sure you will never do anything because life is never 100% sure.


agreed - there are few things in life that are certain and they all revolve around God (at least the ones i can think of). it's great you want to be open and honest but you said you don't know where this relationship is even going yet. why don't you wait and see a little more as you're not even sure if you'll be asked out again. also from a guy's perspective (and guys please add your opition), if i was starting to like a woman and had an enjoyable time on the dates so far, telling me there's a small chance they'd move, wouldn't detract me at all. it seems there's a small chance that many people might move regardless due to family emergencies, etc without having any advance notice. just my opinion, good luck and i think it's awesome you are trying to do things God's way!



Mrs.Above_All -> RE: The Nitty Gritty (7/30/2008 2:59:18 PM)

Good posts so far.

It's great that you are looking back at your past experiences and are trying to learn from them. This guy sounds like an honest guy so far. Don't be afraid of that. Anytime you are serious about finding someone and getting married, honesty is the best thing. So as things progress, do the same with him...be honest. Talk about each of your personal goals and get to know each other. Don't jump into conclusions. Just because he would like to be more physical than you do doesn't mean he's looking to have sex nor does it means that it's a struggle for him.

Be honest yet set good boundaries. Find that balance. [:)]



GrowinBaptist -> RE: The Nitty Gritty (7/31/2008 10:08:15 AM)

Thanks for the feedback. [:D] I have to agree that perhaps I have been overly concerned about the moving issue. (Again, that's been due to a past experience.) Something else occurred to me and that's the fact that I've thought I've had to take control of the situation. It hit me this morning that it might help just to take my cue from him (should this continue...and he certainly expressed an interest in doing so) on some things and just take it a day at a time.

Above_All...I didn't mean to imply that I thought this guy is looking for sex. In fact, if I did think that there would be no need for this thread because I would have shut the door on this one! [;)] He hasn't even hinted or joked about it. Thank you for the part about talking about personal goals...I know this is a must. He's pretty much made it clear that he's looking for a commitment at some point, so that's not an issue. Although he may be wondering that about me since I didn't say anything about what I am personally looking for...which is also commitment. I'll just take things as they come and let the Lord guide me in a particular moment. He'll let me know quickly how He wants us to do this. I'm finding that out of my fears I'm splitting hairs, and I need to stop doing that. So far he appears to have some important issues straight...ie. a believer, is not married to his job, etc. So, we'll just move along and see what happens!



ebony101 -> RE: The Nitty Gritty (8/1/2008 4:42:01 AM)

quote:


ORIGINAL: GrowinBaptist
What I want to know, assuming we may go out again, is when would be a good time to lay some cards on the table so we don't have any misunderstandings later.


I think that some of the info that you want you will find out in small doses as you out on the first 3 - 4 dates. This is dependent though on where you go (movies don't provide much time for getting to know each other - in terms of conversation) and what questions to ask. Asking questions are a bit tricky because you have to ask them in such a way that you don't appear to be prying. But other than that once you all are having a good time together you learn a lot about each other.

And the stuff that you don't know that's a bit difficult and unreasonable to ask on the first date. You can just ask outright after you've gone out with him for a while.



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