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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 3:36:48 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26208
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here, but subject to change . . . stay tuned!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
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ORIGINAL: PrudentWife
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ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
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Some of the clicks here will go so far as to plan an attack on the one naysayer.
Is that something you have first-hand knowledge of? I honestly have a hard time believing that one.
I'm way to busy to keep up with this (or any) thread and comment fully....
But yes, Lisa, I truly believe this happens. I once received a PM along these lines.
Seriously?  Wow. I know my friends and I often end up in the same thread (although we don't always agree so sometimes it's "dangerous" to invite your friends to threads you find interesting. Ha!  ) LOL! I like it when THAT happens . . . especially with the people to whom I think you're referring.
It's just further proof that you don't have to agree with every single thing in order to be a person's friend.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 3:39:23 PM
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phosadaud
Posts: 10531
Joined: 9/19/2005
From: Washington State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
The 1st thing you see when you come in is a boat-load of mommy and wife threads. That’s not a bad thing and it’s certainly not “wrong” at all, but when you are single, no kids, your first thought is whether there is a place for you too especially when so many churches only deal with women as moms and wives. You already feel a little like the 3rd wheel but you move along.
As a childfree by choice woman, I can sympathize with the feeling. However, any gathering of women, Christian or secular, online or irl, will have a lot of wife and mommie talk, because most women will occupy those roles at some point in their lives and because we are socially conditioned to talk more about home and family than men are.
Like I said, I'm not saying that's wrong or bad, I'm just stating how it can feel to some people.
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So, you start a new thread that is for maybe someone in your shoes because you know that this isn’t an issue just for a wife or just for a mom. The first posts you get are from people (not mods) saying there is already a thread about this and even though it’s for moms or wives, it’s “too close” to your new thread so it shouldn’t have been started. Or, maybe posters don’t tell you this, but the first responses you get are the one or 2 hostile posters.
I think the reason this happens is that crosswalk is very active, so some common topics come up repeatedly. If I had a dime for every birth control thread, I could retire right now, LOL! Crosswalk (both management and users) tends to consolidate, so that its easier to keep up with topics of interest to you.
That I get, unfortunately, the threads I'm thinking about were not ones like that.
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Is this reverberating with anyone? Or do we just not care because this is the way our folder is and everyone else is just going to have to deal with it? I haven’t personally been hurt so anyone who has just needs to get over it. We like it so go somewhere else if you feel left out. Why should we bother to reach out when our needs are being met? (click?)
I can see that you are hurting, but I'm starting to think that perhaps you are looking for too much from a posting forum. I can understand feeling left out, but I'm just not really sure what specifically you would have liked people to do that would have made you feel welcome.
I'm not personally feeling left out. Sorry, I'm giving that impression. I'm not one for hanging out with just the ladies anyway. And I have great friends online. That's not why I started this thread. And I don't expect anything to change from this thread although that would be awesome if it did even for one person. As I've stated a few times, I have super thick skin so someone can harrass me all day long and it won't get to me. However, I'm the kid who used to stand up to the bullies on the playground for picking on other kids. It's kinda why I'm going into the field I am for a career. My mom says that when I was young, she called me her "little crusader". I'm not one to just go with the status quo because that's the status quo. I want us to GROW, not just be the same old, same old.
What I am trying to do is encourage all of us to do is to grow as believers and to maybe rethink why we do what we do and how we do it so we can be more like what Christ calls us to be. 
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Resume Quotations: "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 3:40:55 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TwinCityGirl
Oh, isn't that sad? There was a Community folder regular who came to Kicka and posted. I was gone for a bit right then (for a few days, I think) and when I got back and read and caught up I noticed that NOBODY had responded to her. Ugh. I, of course, greeted her then and she sent me a PM and thanked me - then told me she had noticed nobody else had greeted her.
On another site, I serve as a community leader for a childfree board. It's similar to our mods, but I can only give nudges. I have to shoot an e-mail to the community moderators, who are employees of the site, for deletions to occur. One of my other big duties is to greet new posters. When you don't have someone who officially does that, greetings can kind of fall through the cracks because the site is so large, you get lost just like in a large church or a big corporation.
I come back to what I said in a previous post...I think some of us might sometimes be expecting too much from an internet posting board. This isn't your local church or a family reunion. The level and type of interaction isn't the same. The web often creates a false sense of intimacy, and perhaps we need to remember what we can and can't get from typed words from people we don't really know.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 3:46:37 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
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quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
What I am trying to do is encourage all of us to do is to grow as believers and to maybe rethink why we do what we do and how we do it so we can be more like what Christ calls us to be.
I get what you're saying. I agree that we all need to take a good look at how we phrase things and consider how it may sound to someone with a different POV. At the same time, I also see some porcelain doll fragility in this folder as well. There's some truth to the old Ann Landers saying that no one can take advantage of you without your consent. This forum can't be right for everybody, and no one should be looking to this board for the support that should be coming from their local Christian community. I can't help but wonder how many of the people that repeatedly feel hurt don't have a local church community.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 3:51:36 PM
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phosadaud
Posts: 10531
Joined: 9/19/2005
From: Washington State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
I come back to what I said in a previous post...I think some of us might sometimes be expecting too much from an internet posting board. This isn't your local church or a family reunion. The level and type of interaction isn't the same. The web often creates a false sense of intimacy, and perhaps we need to remember what we can and can't get from typed words from people we don't really know.
I understand what you are saying, but I also believe that people come here hurting, reaching out, seeking, etc. and as such we shouldn't settle for "ok" because this is "just a posting board". I'm the first to admit that the last thing I thought I would do was befriend people online, but I have. I have been deeply encouraged, deeply moved, and deeply grown through my friends around here. Online or IRL doesn't change that and as such, I don't want to think it's ok to be "less" online than I am IRL. Words have power - written or verbal. I aim to shine Jesus' light IRL and I want to shine Jesus' light online.
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Resume Quotations: "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 3:55:12 PM
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LaurainAL
Posts: 1300
Joined: 8/13/2005
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quote:
There's some truth to the old Ann Landers saying that no one can take advantage of you without your consent.
Right. I see this thread as a statement of non-consent.
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Life Trumps Choice
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:00:09 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
Joined: 2/25/2008
From: United States of America
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I can asure you I am not a fragile wilting flower. My career choice along with posting in theo make me hard as nails when need be. The problem is not so much people getting all sensitive and hurt, as it is snobbism.
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I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:00:21 PM
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solo_soprano22
Posts: 2474
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
I come back to what I said in a previous post...I think some of us might sometimes be expecting too much from an internet posting board. This isn't your local church or a family reunion. The level and type of interaction isn't the same. The web often creates a false sense of intimacy, and perhaps we need to remember what we can and can't get from typed words from people we don't really know.
I understand what you are saying, but I also believe that people come here hurting, reaching out, seeking, etc. and as such we shouldn't settle for "ok" because this is "just a posting board". I'm the first to admit that the last thing I thought I would do was befriend people online, but I have. I have been deeply encouraged, deeply moved, and deeply grown through my friends around here. Online or IRL doesn't change that and as such, I don't want to think it's ok to be "less" online than I am IRL. Words have power - written or verbal. I aim to shine Jesus' light IRL and I want to shine Jesus' light online.
I think sometimes we assume people HAVE a community IRL. I've met people on the forums who literally have no one (except for God, that is). Just because I may have IRL people doesn't mean everyone does. I met a woman who is severely disabled, can't get out of the house and has no one to visit her or anything like that. I think it's fair to try to understand that just because we have a Christian community and friends that are there for us. We all have different circumstances, and I think Christians should be sensitive to that. We may not be able to understand everything because we've been there, but we can still try to think about how we'd feel if we were in the same boat.
Just my opinion though. (And, esp. when I've been sick and had no one, I understand how it feels.)
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For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:01:29 PM
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purejoy
Posts: 902
Joined: 4/15/2005
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I haven't posted in this thread yet...just read and ponder. It's been a good discussion.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TwinCityGirl
But the older I get (and thank goodness because I do feel very responsible for making other peoples' lives more pleasant - in real life and here when I can) the more I realize that there isn't anything else that I can do except what *I* can do. The best thing I can do when someone has acted like a bull in a china shop is to try to uplift that person that just got mowed over by the bull. I can't stop the bull, you know?
Jeanie, I am so with you on this. I'm not an aggressive person, so I'm not the type to try and stop the bull. But, I try to be a lifter-upper. Often, I think that is much more effective than bull-stopping.
quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
I come back to what I said in a previous post...I think some of us might sometimes be expecting too much from an internet posting board. This isn't your local church or a family reunion. The level and type of interaction isn't the same. The web often creates a false sense of intimacy, and perhaps we need to remember what we can and can't get from typed words from people we don't really know.
Good point, although I think it's different for everybody. For some people, I really do think this is a similar type of interaction, and so that's where their expectations are. For me personally, I enjoy coming on the boards and discussing and learning different things that I wouldn't in real life. However, I have a great family, I have great friends, and a great church. So I'm not as emotionally vested here. If someone disagrees with me, well, ok. If my posts get ignored or missed, well, ok. But I know for a lot of women, that's not true. They are here more often and are more emotionally involved than I am. For me, I just blow things off, but others for a variety of reasons can't or don't do that. Not saying that's good, bad, right, wrong, whatever. We just take things differently. I'm sure we're probably that different in real life too.
However, across the board, I hope that this thread encourages people to be more welcoming. I think it's the same in church. At our church, we have made it a focus to welcome people. If someone is new, they will likely talk to every single person in our church before they leave. As our church is growing, it's so easy to see how that can fall through the cracks. Not because you don't care, but because you're busy talking with someone about something else, planning next weeks whatever, etc. And so then the new person is left feeling isolated- completely unintentionally. I think that happens on the forums (not just WO) as well, and so hopefully this will spur and encourage us to be more intentional in welcoming others.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:02:10 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26208
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here, but subject to change . . . stay tuned!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
I come back to what I said in a previous post...I think some of us might sometimes be expecting too much from an internet posting board. This isn't your local church or a family reunion. The level and type of interaction isn't the same. The web often creates a false sense of intimacy, and perhaps we need to remember what we can and can't get from typed words from people we don't really know. I had a similar conversation with a friend of mine when I visited my hometown a couple of months ago. She just doesn't understand the "forums mentality" at all and would probably never even consider participating in one. She also mentioned the false sense of intimacy.
That can happen.
But not all the time.
In June of 2005, my husband took his life. By then, I had already been in these forums for 3 years. The support from the people in here in various folders was immediate. It wasn't just one or two people neither. Nor was it temporary . . . even 3 years later.
One of the most amazing things that I will remember forever is . . . The morning of CS's memorial service, a friend and I arrived at the church early so that I could put up some photo boards and such. There was already a florist there delivering flowers.
Up at the front of the sanctuary was a huge basket of white roses and greenery. Anyone who reads enough of my posts will soon realize how very special white roses are; fiddle, even my handle gives that away. LOL. It's a story that goes back 14 years.
That basket of white roses at the front of the sanctuary on the day of my husband's memorial service?
They were from y'all . . . posters from this very forum of Faith Community Network (although at the time, I think we were still simply Crosswalk).
Living, breathing beautiful white roses. Sent from people I had never met face-to-face. That's pretty intimate, in my opinion.
And to bring it closer to home to the Women's folder, just think about PrincessDonna and what she's been through lately . . . and the various ways support that she has received from so many people here. I'm sure there are other examples specific to the Women's folder.
My point being is that, yes the forums can be non-personal . . . but often times, they're not.
Any thread, any folder, any forums for that matter, is made up of real, living, breathing people. It's up to each individual to decide how intimate they want to be with others. Some want to keep it strictly on a very non-personal level; and that's fine. Others, however, don't . . . nor won't . . . and that is so very awesome.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:02:39 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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Oh, I reach out to people when I can, but I maintain that while this isn't just a posting board, it is a posting board. If you look at some of the community guidelines, crosswalk makes it quite clear that there are certain kinds of support that this community is not suited to provide. I know I'm not addressing every case, but a lot of the people that I see who start "I'm hurt by this folder" threads are people going through an extremely difficult time in their life. Many have been between churches or just moved to a new community (which also happens a lot when women first get married or have a baby, which makes them twice as isolated and vulnerable). While people might have been gentler or more welcoming, the hurt is usually that the folder hasn't provided enough support. In other words, they are still hurting or lonely or isolated. That IMO is the point where people need to seek warmth and support from live 3D human beings. It is beyond what this board, by itself can provide.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:12:30 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
Joined: 2/25/2008
From: United States of America
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maybe the proper term for some is "I am angered, insulted, and belittled by this folder"
since hurt seems to sound whiney to some.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:14:53 PM
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MindySue69
Posts: 321
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
I can't help but wonder how many of the people that repeatedly feel hurt don't have a local church community.
Maybe they come here because they've already been hurt by their local church(s). Maybe the people in their church can't be bothered with them (though they'll say how much they love you and of course they "miss" you if you don't show up on Sunday but they don't miss you when they invite everyone else from the church over for burgers...and you're not there because you weren't invited or told about it....)
Maybe the people coming here are not "porcelain doll fragile" but already broken.
Maybe.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:15:52 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26208
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here, but subject to change . . . stay tuned!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MindySue69
quote:
ORIGINAL: moon_mouse
I can't help but wonder how many of the people that repeatedly feel hurt don't have a local church community.
Maybe they come here because they've already been hurt by their local church(s). Maybe the people in their church can't be bothered with them (though they'll say how much they love you and of course they "miss" you if you don't show up on Sunday but they don't miss you when they invite everyone else from the church over for burgers...and you're not there because you weren't invited or told about it....)
Maybe the people coming here are not "porcelain doll fragile" but already broken.
Maybe.
Wow, MindySue, Wow!
Excellent.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:17:22 PM
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firefightermama
Posts: 1378
Joined: 10/24/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TwinCityGirl
PART 2. Again, sorry this is long. Probably not important either. 
But 2.5 years ago I quit my corporate-world job that I LOVED due to the unconquerable amount of work I had to do, all the extra hours I was putting in (for free) and because my boss (who I love as a person) didn't get it. And the Community chat I had loved for years was going too slowly (I neeeeeded some interaction because I had gone from 90 mph to 5 mph and I was going nuts!) so I mozied on over to the Women's folder which I hadn't really been in much, and I found a thread that one of my old Community friends had started here. I joined in and wasn't really known here but I persevered because they seemed nice and I just needed that interaction. I missed my job, I missed my life there, I missed the responsibilities, the pace. I needed somewhere welcoming. I had been a businesswoman with a career, a woman struggling with infertility, I made my own good paycheck, I took business trips hopping planes with a laptop and briefcase while wearing a business suit. My DH and I had taken trips to Hawaii and London and Paris because we could and because I joined him on his business trips. I had gone from working 8-8 and weekends in the corporate world to sitting alone in my living room with a laptop and sadness that my boss didn't make my job doable, with no heart to want to dive into the next new job yet, longing for a baby that wasn't ever going to come apparently due to my broken reproductive system and nothing to do but laundry for 2 and some dirty dishes. Talk about identity crisis! (And let me add, I have a ton of friends in real life but many of them are corporate people or stay-at-home moms and right then I just didn't want to tap into them. I didn't have depression or anything like that, I just kind of wanted to sit and digest what all had just happened and start something new.)
Thanks for sharing this Jeanie. I honestly never knew any of this before. Not because I didn't care, but I must not have come across the right thread at the right time. And I love to learn more about people, it gives a little perspective.
Your words resonate with me. I did read all of your 2 posts. Every word. Just wanted to say thanks.
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~yolanda~
"I wish I was a glow worm, cuz glow worms are never glum.
How can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:18:13 PM
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landabee
Posts: 2868
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bluestone
maybe the proper term for some is "I am angered, insulted, and belittled by this folder"
since hurt seems to sound whiney to some.
I agree. They'd be less likely to be told to pull their panties up, or blamed for being too sensitive.
And I TOTALLY agree wtih MindySue as well.
We just don't know what is going on offline in the real lives of posters, newbies or regulars.
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"Sound theology discourages ignorance instead of promoting it." ~ CourdeLeon
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:18:32 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26208
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here, but subject to change . . . stay tuned!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MindySue69
Let's say I have some personal experience with that one. 
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:18:45 PM
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spitzu
Posts: 1064
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
It's just further proof that you don't have to agree with every single thing in order to be a person's friend.
True, dat. Some of the people I love the most I also disagree with on a regular basis. We're still great friends, and in fact learn from each other through the disagreements and *gasp* I've even changed my mind on a few things, in part due to their ability to converse about it in a civil fashion.
I'm quite bull-headed and normally thick-skinned. Very passionate. Can debate with the best of them. I'm a redhead and have the temper that can go along with it and if I don't keep it in check, could easily cut someone deeply with a look or a word (a fact that I am not proud of). I get angry much more easily than I get hurt. It takes a lot to truly hurt or offend me. However, I have been hurt by people around here (and I say this not to gain sympathy - I'm over it, though I do avoid certain people now). Not because I needed to pull up my big girl panties, and not because I misunderstood what they were saying, but because people can just be cruel and insensitive. So it's not just fragile people or new people. It's really not. (<--- that is the only reason I brought it up at all. To point that out.)
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<- Ahh, the sound of a real shutter. It's like music!
Macro Monday #3
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:19:57 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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Like everything, it's a balance. Posters need to consider their words, be genuinely tolerant of other viewpoints, and humble in their own views. Posters also need to remember that this is an internet board, not an in-person community. It is a context poor medium, and we don't always understand things in the manner in which they were intended. And, we are a diverse community. At some point, everyone is going to be disagreed with. We can't always be wrapped in the warm-fuzzies.
I think that summarizes everything I feel about this subject. I think I'll bow out because I think this is starting to turn into a merry-go-round.
Thanks everyone, and peace!
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/22/2008 4:20:04 PM
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TwinCityGirl
Posts: 1112
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Sharon-Marie,
We received many very thoughtful baby gifts for Adam from Crosswalk people. One guy here that used to always pray for me when I was desperately wanting out of my old job still sends me a birthday card every year. On my birthday. (He's like a father-figure to me, nothing goofy.)
I can't tell you how touching it was to have people here go out of their way to buy gifts for our baby. I mean, happy wishes are more than good enough, you know? Two sisters from the Community folder made Adam a QUILT! We have Adam on that quilt every single day -- so it is a constant reminder to me of how great so many people are here, let alone how great those two ladies are!
I don't want to start listing baby gifts but honestly, there were so many, each gift so incredibly thoughtful and beautiful. Those gifts and cards mean a lot to me.
And like I've said before, I have a lot of friends from church and from former jobs. I have more friends than I have free time, unfortunately (in a "I wish I had more time for ALL of my friends more often" way, not in a bragging "I have a lot of friends" way).
One consultant I met on a job about 12 years said to me "Jeanie, you're the kind of person who creates a 'family' everywhere you go." And that is so totally true for me. It really is. The forums friends I have here is one of my families, and they know who they are.
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