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Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/25/2008 4:51:45 PM
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catlady11
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/18/2005
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I have been married for a little over 2 weeks and I am already becoming a nag. We are both 47 and both have never been married before. I am having a difficult time adjusting since I have lived alone for 30 years.
Wives - any tips on how to make this adjustment?
Husbands - any tips on how to approach my husband about picking up after himself, table manners, etc. without coming off like I am nagging?
Thanks to everyone.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/25/2008 6:36:15 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16952
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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I've been married 27 years and one thing my husband says often is he is thankful that I've never been a nag. He even said that in a Sunday school class when we were asked to say something we appreciate about out spouses.
My thought process behind never nagging is that my husband is just that...my husband. He is not my child and I don't treat him like one. He doesn't need me to tell him how to behave, what manners to use, when to pick up after himself, etc. He is an adult and it's not my place to correct him in those things. As far as needing help with something he hasn't gotten to, if I need him to do something, I ask him once, then let it go. If it's something I'm capable of doing and he doesn't get to it himself when I'd like, then I can do it myself if it's bothering me all that much(such as taking out the trash, socks on the floor, etc.) If it's something I can't do, then I give him some time after I ask and ask nicely again later. Usually it's a simple matter of him just not having time(or forgetting) and he usually jumps right on it when he gets a gentle reminder.
The other reason I never nag is I know many women whose husband's nag them about their weight, the money they spend, when they don't keep the house as perfect as he thinks they should, when meals aren't perfect, etc., and my husband never, ever does any of those things to me. I choose to give him the same courtesy by not nagging him about things that in the end really aren't all that important. In my mind, it takes all of five minutes to take the trash out myself or to pick up a few of his clothes. That's just simply not worth nagging or causing even a small upheaval over.
I think by concentrating on the kind of atmosphere you want your home to have, you'll be able to train yourself to handle things in the way that best accomplishes that. Nagging (from either spouse), just isn't conducive to a peaceful and accepting atmospheres, and it never changes things. In fact, nagging often causes the nagged at party to feel defensive and just dig their heels in even more. I personally think sweating the small stuff is just not worth it. If you bring every little thing up and nag about those small things, you are less likely to get his full attention and cooperation when the important things that do require discussion and compromise.
_____________________________
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided...great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/25/2008 6:38:02 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 403
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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I believe in choosing your battles. If there are ten things that bother you, choose the one thing that is the most important. Discuss the one thing with him and let the other nine things go. This way the most important things are dealt with but you won't constantly be nagging about something.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/25/2008 11:07:42 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1860
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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Nagging is telling a person something they already know. You guys need to sit down together and talk, or he could ignore it and go do whatever he wants by ignoring you.
So talk! Tell him, "this is how I'm used to living. How about you? What should we do (change) so we can live together in peace?" Does he care that things bother you? If not, then that's the starting point. Get counseling if he doesn't care, because you've been married only 2 weeks and it's too soon to turn a deaf ear on a problem. Deal with it now.
The first year of marriage is usually where people decide who is going to wear the pants and what is OK and what is swept under the rug; the dynamics. Deal with it now. Get someone (hopefully your pastor) to talk to you both.
God bless you guys as you adjust; it's really different to marry later in life (I was older, too). I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/25/2008 11:42:08 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2552
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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Karlie, that is an excellent post. I need to print it out and take it out and save it for my marriage manual if and when I finally get married, lol.
I don't know if mods can get stars, but if they can, you deserve a whole bunch! 
I just forwarded it to my e-mail, and I have never done that yet!
To the op, I really can't add to what Karlie has said, but did you discuss any of your expectations, ways of handling things before marriage?
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/26/2008 12:14:24 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2454
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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I would like to encourage you to try the 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge. Through it many have learned how to focus on their husbands attributes and not their faults.
I have seen many womens hearts and attitudes changed by this.
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/26/2008 7:14:39 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2504
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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What Karlie said!
Especially little things like socks on the floor and table manners.  A little grace goes a long way, and picking on your husbands little faults will lead you into a mindset of disdaining him. And remember that even if your husband doesn't verbalize it, you are not perfect and he probably has a list of things you do that set his teeth on edge. 
If there is something that *really* bothers you, tell him once, and if he doesn't change, deal with it. I'll give you a for instance: My husband is a saver of paper. I'm a frenetic de-clutterer. But he doesn't want a file-cabinet or a desk. He just likes to build piles. If I didn't do something, there would be piles and stacks of "earth shakingly important" papers randomly placed all over the house. Can't do that. Nagging just made him contrary about it. So I let him know that I understood why he wanted to save things, and that if he wanted to save them in piles, that was fine with me, but I would be putting them in *one* pile in *one* place in the house, unless he sorted and dealt with the stuff himself. He has a shoebox on the table where all his mail and loose papers and business cards go, and if he lets it overflow, he knows I am going to cull the junk mail (and *throw it away*! horrors!  ) and put the rest in his pile of stuff. That in itself is usually motivation to keep his papers under control. I don't need to say a single word about it anymore.
However, I would also say that in a lot of instances, those small annoying things, there's no need to make a fuss about it. If he leaves a coffee mug on the side-table, snag it on your way to the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher and forget about it. That's a lot less stressful than hunting him down to berate him about it, or spending all day muttering to yourself about what a slob he is.
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/26/2008 7:40:50 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1760
Joined: 5/23/2006
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If you are new at this 1 approach that can help is sit down and make a list of things that are major to you...things you KNOW are going to irk you if not done consistently and without prompting. Ask him to do the same. Then put the lists together and decide together who can be better at seeing it gets done.
Communication is one of the number one keys to a good relationship. Make sure he understands from the beginning if trash isn't taken out every evening before bed it's going to drive you nuts...etc
The main thing is talk about it and decide together what arrangement works for you.
Like my big 3 issues would be 1. Dirty dishes- can't stand them sitting anywhere and absolutely never leave them in the sink overnight. HUGE factor for me- but not for us because we both do them whenever we need to.
2. Mowing the grass- I can't stand it if the lawn isn't properly taken care of weekly. Hiring someone else was the best solution for us.
3. Laundry- if there is more than 1 load piled up I know she isn't going to be happy. So we work on that one together. All I have to do there to keep her happy is make sure all pockets are empty :)
If the two of you make a list to get on track then when something isn't done instead of nagging you can say ok let's check the list and see what we forgot to do today, this week, or whatever.
if chores become a real problem find a way to bring some fun into it..whoever finishes first gets _________________________....(something you know he loves) choose dessert, choose which movie to see....whatever
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/26/2008 12:04:44 PM
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HisCovenant
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I agree with all that has been stated above.
I think one of the main things that causes me to nag (or want to nag, but remain quite and get really upset) is seeing my expectations as the most important in the house. I think it is super important that spouses understand that what they see as important is not always obvious to their spouse as important and that there are other methods of dealing with important matters than just one spouse's way. When I humble myself and am willing to kindly discuss his expectations, I quite often find that our end goal is the same, but we're looking at how to get there differently. Neither one of us is wrong, but we have to make sure we're on the same page. Once I've expressed my expectations and really hear (read:understand and internalize) his expectations, the desire to correct him no longer exists.
To a certain extent this only works because we are both Christians who use the Bible to set out priorities, goals, and lifestyle. If you both have different world views and can't agree on the end goal, what I've explained won't work as well, although humbling yourself and communicating kindly never make a situation worse!!
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/26/2008 10:51:40 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16952
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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quote:
I don't know if mods can get stars, but if they can, you deserve a whole bunch!
Awwww...thanks  I can't take all the credit...I had a smart Mama who taught me well!
_____________________________
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided...great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/26/2008 11:51:49 PM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 422
Joined: 11/17/2007
From: Florence, KY
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First of all, congratulations on your marriage! Don't worry-- usually after all of the wedding planning and the rush of adrenaline wears off, there is an unescapable let-down. Now is when the business of life starts and you have all those years of routine to overcome-- both of you. You have been given some great advice.
One thing I'll add that was life-changing for me was reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I realized that I was expecting my husband to help me around the house out of love, but for him, his biggest expression of love was to hug and love on me. When I understood that to him, rubbing my back at night was more of an expression of love than vacuuming and he understood that keeping up the laundry and making a home for him was my biggest expression of love... I started seeing the effort he was making on my behalf and he mine. I don't know if that makes sense-- Chapman does a much better job explaining it! It really opened my eyes and seeing each other's "love language" for what it is allows us to catch each other being loving and eliminates the urge to nag or fuss because we both feel loved.
After over 18 years of marriage, I am both excited for you as you start out and glad that part of our life is past! Hang in there-- it will be worth it if you keep open and remind yourselves why you are in this predicament to begin with!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/27/2008 2:52:23 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
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Joined: 8/19/2008
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wow (: all this is really helpful advice(:
all the best catlady11
we're all imperfect n we're trying our best.
both husband n wife should pick up gary chapman's 5 love langs.
its good (:
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/27/2008 9:23:18 AM
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catlady11
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/18/2005
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Thanks to everyone for all of your advice. I started the 30 day challenge as susggested, and changes already started to happen. Last night I made an effort not to complain or nag about anything - and WOW - what a difference. We are reading the 5 Love Languages and it has been such a blessing to us. When I am not able to explain something to dh I have him read a section of the book and then he understands what I have been trying to say.
Thanks again to everyone!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/27/2008 9:25:39 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2454
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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Catlady,
That is awesome news!
May God bless you and DH mightily!
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/27/2008 11:13:19 AM
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karlie
Posts: 16952
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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Catlady, I think the fact that after only 2 weeks you recognize that a change is in order and are actually willing to work on it is wonderful! It takes some people a lifetime if ever to admit to that! Blessings to you and your new hubby
_____________________________
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided...great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 8/27/2008 11:58:24 AM
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princesslady
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/21/2008
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Also know that the first few YEARS of marriage are not just a perpetual honeymoon, but are actually a time of great adjustment. You will go through many things together that seem quite difficult. Please know that if you stick with it and work things out together and don't give up, your marriage will be soooo much better than you ever dreamed! My biggest piece of advice kind of goes along with a lot of other people have said, and that is to pick your battles. Only make a fuss over the really, really important stuff. Everybody feels differently about things, but for me, things like picking up after him and such don't really bother me. If something like that is an issue, just do it and don't worry about it. Plus, a little love goes a long way!!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/3/2008 9:47:32 AM
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alaskajamaica
Posts: 9
Joined: 12/5/2007
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this is a great post. I love the 30 day challenge.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/3/2008 2:41:50 PM
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catlady11
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/18/2005
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UPDATE - Thanks to everyone's advice, lots of prayer and the "30 Day Challenge" things in our marriage have improved dramatically. It wasn't until we got married that I realized just how selfish I am and how hard it is to die to self.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/3/2008 3:45:58 PM
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SuccessinTruth
Posts: 76
Joined: 9/3/2008
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Good for you, catlady, you can admit that you're becoming a nag AND you don't want to! And in just 2 weeks! Your husband is a blessed man. You've received some excellent advice, but I would like to add a couple of things. Never, ever bring up something while you're irritated or upset about it. When you need to mention it, do it when you're in a good mood. And sometimes, people just aren't aware of what they're doing (or not doing). If you ask him 'Is there a reason you don't use the hamper?', you may find that he's just not aware of what he's doing. Most important, unconditional love. God bless you both!
_____________________________
May we Glorify the Lord in all that we say and do
SuccessinTruth
www.mybenefitsplus.com/40623337
affordable dental and health care plans
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/3/2008 3:58:28 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4334
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SuccessinTruth
Never, ever bring up something while you're irritated or upset about it. When you need to mention it, do it when you're in a good mood.
I wanted to add a little to this because I agree with it and think there is something SuccessinTruth meant that he didn't voice... also mention these irritations when your husband in a frame of mind in which he can discuss it. When he is in the middle of some entertainment (like a football game or with friends) or when he's stressed (like in the middle of an argument or when he's just in from work) is not the time to discuss it. Gauge his mood as well as yours when discussing some irritation.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/3/2008 7:51:24 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 539
Joined: 7/25/2007
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I love a happy ending.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/4/2008 11:56:33 AM
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LifeisGalatians220
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Charleston, SC
Status: offline
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Hi Catlady~ 
Blessings on your marriage.
It's wonderful that you want to nip something in the bud before it can cause any roots of bitterness. I had been married for 15 years before I found out I was a nag and also extremely disrespectful to my husband. I got to the point where I was trying to decide whether or not to divorce him.
My solution was pretty extreme. I left home in the middle of the night, drove about 100 miles, locked myself in a motel room with a bible, some paper, and a pen, and copied down everything I could find on what God said about marriage. Of course, that led to knowing what kind of a wife God wanted for Bret. 
By the end of the first day I was a basket case. 
By the end of the second night I was toast. 
By checkout time I had agreed with God. 
I would:
1. Hate divorce
2. Shut my mouth and let Him change my heart, mind, and tongue
3. Quit telling Him how to change Bret
I've trusted Him to keep me in line through His Spirit, and as long as I abide in His word...
Like I said, extreme, but worth every minute of the last 13+ years.
His word empowered by His Spirit is the only thing that has the power to transform your heart. I guess my only advice would be, let Him, and watch the world be amazed at what your marriage can become.
Blessings again on your marriage!!!
In His love,
Melanie
BTW~ The 30 Day Challenge is a great resource. God uses Nancy Leigh DeMoss as a great source of conviction and encouragement for wives.
_____________________________
Victory is not me overcoming sin
Victory is Jesus overcoming me!!!
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/4/2008 1:54:21 PM
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catlady11
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
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Hi Life. I certainly know what you mean about extremes. At midnight on our wedding night I left the hotel room and contemplated divorce but knew that was not an option. A week after we were married I brought up separating to him and it was as that point he realized were he was lacking. I'm so blessed that he is very comitted to me and our marriage. We have been spending alot of time reading about marriage and lots of prayer. During the difficult two weeks I learned how much growing up I need to do and how NOT to make decisions based on my emotions. I need to work on not running away from difficult situations - that has been my MO for so long. They say the 1st year is the hardest but we joke around that we are getting the "worse" over with quickly so now it can only get better.
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RE: Help Me Not To Become a Nag - 9/4/2008 3:33:22 PM
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LifeisGalatians220
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Charleston, SC
Status: offline
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Wow. Talk about baptizm by fire. You're hitting challenges head on. You're awesome Cat. Hang in there!!!.
I'm praying for you... but better still, the Lord already did!!! 
Blessings,
Melanie
_____________________________
Victory is not me overcoming sin
Victory is Jesus overcoming me!!!
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